ArdenWinnie

I really appreciate this comment. Thank you!

She fully understands the situation she put herself in and says she is ashamed and embarrassed by it and that is why she wants to stop. Not to ‘keep’ me. I don’t understand the comment about me treating her like a child and being controlling in me having my values and wanting to stick with them. I said to her if it was something that she wanted to do regularly then she can go do that, but hard drugs as I said is a massive no for me and I don’t want that in my life. I don’t understand the point of me having my values and wanting to stick to that in what I want for and in my life makes me controlling. Nor do I understand the point of me having those values makes it my fault? The point of it being a no was made at the beginning of the relationship, it’s not like it’s something I’ve just thrown on her. She has said she doesn’t want to do drugs again because she doesn’t want it anymore. She is embarrassed by it and says ‘I’m 29, I should f*cking grow up’

The whole only going out if I come was her way of saying she wanted to prove she’s not going to do it again. It wasn’t something that I suggested down to a lack of trust nor is it something I want to do or said yes to. She said she understands that my trust in her had been broken and understands that even if she promises she wouldn’t do it again I would still have doubts due to the lying initially so she said that. I don’t believe for 1 second that she has a drug problem, she had admitted when we got together it was something she had done before in the past and it’s not something that she needs to take. Regarding only going out twice in 2 years, I meant on a night out. Of course we have both been out separately with friends, she’s been out plenty of times while we have been together, but as a night out this is only the second time. She understands that my trust has been broken and does seem very sincere in her apologies. She understands what she done has caused a massive issue but we both really want to work on it and get passed it.

Thanks for all your replies. We’ve done a lot of talking over the last few days and she is very remorseful, whether that’s because she got caught or is genuine I guess is to see. She has apologised over and over and explained she lied because she knew my stance on it and didn’t want to hurt me and knows she shouldn’t have taken it or lied to me. She did tell me at the beginning of the relationship it’s something she has done before in the past but wasn’t a regular thing. And given the fact that we have been together almost 2 years and this is only the 2nd time she has gone out with friends (and the first time I was also there) I do believe her that this is the only time she had taken it since we’ve been together, and she explained she kinda of felt pressured as all her other friends were doing it. the counselling thing we have both brought up separately. But as mentioned we have done a lot of talking about it. She has as I mentioned apologised over and over and understands what she done and the consequences it has caused. Due to the way she was when I got there I was so shocked and knew she probably wouldn’t believe she was in a bad state (as most drunk people would do) I recorded some clips of her to show her to make her see and understand and when I shown her them she was totally shocked at how bad she was, and again apologised over and over. She has said since that she doesn’t want to go out again with that friend group and because of my stance on alcohol and drugs doesn’t even want to go on a night out anymore. Unless I am with her so she can prove and show me it’s not what she wants to do again as she understands the worry and issues I would have if she was going out again. Said our relationship is more important to her than alcohol or drugs and doesn’t and won’t do any ever again to jeopardise what we have. I mentioned in my original post… and I know it might be impossible for some people to believe but our relationship was perfect. There was no faults on either side. And I want to believe her with what she said since this has happened as she has shown me messaged to people in that friend group that she doesn’t want to be involved in that lifestyle that they might still want to be a part of and won’t be going on anymore nights out with them. She does seem genuine with her apologies and makes no excuses for what she’s done. She knows she was wrong, she knows what she could of ruined and has told me she wouldn’t blame for wanting to end it. I feel a lot people are very quick nowadays to say ‘it’s over’ and as I have said before, the past 2 years have been perfect and I’ve never been happier in my life than I have been with her. After A LOT of talking she understands it’s going to take me some time and a LOT of work but we want to try and work past this and get back to how we were. But she also knows under no circumstances where this to happen again would we continue, and she accepts that fully and like I’ve said has said she never wants to be around that friend group anymore as our relationship and what we have is more important, she realises she messed up massively and doesn’t want it to happen again.

She’s 29 and yeah we live together. She isn’t a party animal. She very rarely goes out, this is the 2nd time she’s been out in the last year and it was a catch up with friends she hasn’t seen in over a year so I don’t have any negativity to her going out. I didn’t go out because of the whole nightlife club scene, as I mentioned I am totally against drugs but alcohol also, I don’t see the enjoyment in it so don’t like to go out into town centre in to clubs with everyone off their heads drunk or on stuff. Again, a lot of stuff in my past has made me dislike alcohol and drugs with a passion so this is why I didn’t go out.

I’ve been in this relationship now about 18 months and I’ve never been happier, everything was perfect. At the beginning of the relationship I said about my hatred for drugs, any of them. Due to past issues that have happened in my life I am completely against being with someone who takes them, and at the time my partner had said she had done stuff in the past but only every now and then when on nights out and never regularly and doesn’t do it anymore. about 2-3 months in there was a situation where she was having a laughing fit while we were in bed and I thought nothing of it until about 2-3 months ago when she brought it up and said she had some weed and that’s why she was laughing so much. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had some weed that upset me it was the lie behind it. Anytime drugs had been brought up she would always say ‘I’ve never had anything while I’ve been with you, it was all before’ then last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am and called me. I knew instantly when she called me she wasn’t ok, she couldn’t speak and her friend was screaming at her to hold on to her to not fall. I said I would come meet them and o whatever they wanna do and when the nights over take them all home as I was worried she was going to hurt herself by how she sounded i got to where they were and straight away knew she had taken cocaine, she was licking her lips like mad, didn’t have any idea who I was and then started asking her friends for more cocaine. driving home I asked her did you have any cocaine tonight and her answer was always ‘no, why would I? I would never, I know you hate it’ no no no no, everytime I asked. we got home and it continued ‘no I never took cocaine’ until I saw her messaging her friend about the situation and her friend told her she was asking for it infront of me she broke down knowing I already knew and confessed. the lie to me is what made it worse then her actually taking it. Constantly to my face promising she never took it while I knew she had. Eventually admitting it she said she took it not long after I dropped her off because she was thinking I wouldn’t find out, which if anything made it even worse (I didn’t think it could get worse) and said she didn’t want to admit it to me because she knows how against it I am and didn’t want to upset me. Now I don’t know what to do, this girl is everything to me and these last 18 months have been perfect. But I just feel that my trust in her has gone. I told her if she had just said yeah she had some it would be a different issue we would work on and get passed but the lying to me has now made me feel it’s impossible to trust her. Tried explaining next time she goes out and then says she didnt take anything how can I trust her ? And she understands. I don’t know what to do. Continue talking it out? But how do I build back that trust? Counselling? I don’t know. I feel stuck. any advice please?