My Girlfriend lied about taking Cocaine

[ArdenWinnie]

I’ve been in this relationship now about 18 months and I’ve never been happier, everything was perfect.

At the beginning of the relationship I said about my hatred for drugs, any of them. Due to past issues that have happened in my life I am completely against being with someone who takes them, and at the time my partner had said she had done stuff in the past but only every now and then when on nights out and never regularly and doesn’t do it anymore.

about 2-3 months in there was a situation where she was having a laughing fit while we were in bed and I thought nothing of it until about 2-3 months ago when she brought it up and said she had some weed and that’s why she was laughing so much. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had some weed that upset me it was the lie behind it. Anytime drugs had been brought up she would always say ‘I’ve never had anything while I’ve been with you, it was all before’ 

then last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am and called me. I knew instantly when she called me she wasn’t ok, she couldn’t speak and her friend was screaming at her to hold on to her to not fall. I said I would come meet them and o whatever they wanna do and when the nights over take them all home as I was worried she was going to hurt herself by how she sounded

i got to where they were and straight away knew she had taken cocaine, she was licking her lips like mad, didn’t have any idea who I was and then started asking her friends for more cocaine.

driving home I asked her did you have any cocaine tonight and her answer was always ‘no, why would I? I would never, I know you hate it’ no no no no, everytime I asked.

we got home and it continued ‘no I never took cocaine’ until I saw her messaging her friend about the situation and her friend told her she was asking for it infront of me she broke down knowing I already knew and confessed.

the lie to me is what made it worse then her actually taking it. Constantly to my face promising she never took it while I knew she had. Eventually admitting it she said she took it not long after I dropped her off because she was thinking I wouldn’t find out, which if anything made it even worse (I didn’t think it could get worse) and said she didn’t want to admit it to me because she knows how against it I am and didn’t want to upset me.

Now I don’t know what to do, this girl is everything to me and these last 18 months have been perfect. But I just feel that my trust in her has gone. I told her if she had just said yeah she had some it would be a different issue we would work on and get passed but the lying to me has now made me feel it’s impossible to trust her. Tried explaining next time she goes out and then says she didnt take anything how can I trust her ? And she understands.

 

I don’t know what to do. Continue talking it out? But how do I build back that trust? Counselling? I don’t know. I feel stuck. 

any advice please? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ArdenWinnie said:

Then en last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am.  I told her if she had just said yeah she had some it would be a different issue we would work on and get passed but the lying to me has now made me feel it’s impossible to trust her. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Do you live together? Why was she out partying with friends and you needing to chauffeur her home?  Please stop enabling her. 

Unfortunately you can't separate drugs from lying or doing drugs from the person. Please step back and reconsider if you are compatible.

  Unfortunately you're beginning to develop a parent child relationship. Reconsider if you want to police someone who acts like a naughty little lying party girl.

You may only know the tip of the iceberg. Lies and drugs go hand in hand and apparently she thinks recreational drug use is fine as long as you don't find out.

[ArdenWinnie]

She’s 29 and yeah we live together. She isn’t a party animal. She very rarely goes out, this is the 2nd time she’s been out in the last year and it was a catch up with friends she hasn’t seen in over a year so I don’t have any negativity to her going out.

I didn’t go out because of the whole nightlife club scene, as I mentioned I am totally against drugs but alcohol also, I don’t see the enjoyment in it so don’t like to go out into town centre in to clubs with everyone off their heads drunk or on stuff. Again, a lot of stuff in my past has made me dislike alcohol and drugs with a passion so this is why I didn’t go out. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, ArdenWinnie said:

I am completely against being with someone who takes them

And now you've discovered you're with someone who takes them. 

Maybe it's occasional, or maybe not. Maybe she's done this before (since you've been together), and you just didn't know about it. The point is that you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker.

Restoring trust is one thing, but does that mean she will never use again? Not necessarily. You've got a difference in values and lifestyle here. In the end, that is going to be a big problem. You might need to re-evaluate if she is really the right person for you. 

[bungalo]

So sorry you are going through this mess.  I agree 100% with the previous replies.  I would add that if you really care about her and its not just physical, you should seek counseling.  Be forewarned, there is a HUGE shortage of qualified counselors post-pandemic, unless you want to do Zoom sessions, which I think are really lacking.  Also, keep in mind that she may be resistant to getting help.  At the very least, you could get counseling for yourself to navigate this situation.

[Batya33]

I personally would be done because of my personal values and standards about illegal drugs.  Also because of the lying.  Assume also she is not going to stop.  Also know she has fun partying where there are drugs and alcohol (as did I but I never took drug/never got drunk) and she chooses to partake -not all the time but she's fine with occasionally.  And you are not.

I just shared my personal view -you have to do the work of what is your personal view and what are your dealbreakers.  I wouldn't bother with counseling unless she wants to go to counseling to figure out how she wants to approach drugs in the future -I wouldn't think she'd need counseling for that -she's not addicted as far as how you described it.  It's a choice.  You two see using illegal drugs differently. Doesn't make her a bad person.  Just not your match.

[Starlight925]

I once got up and took my overnight bag out of the car and went home when a guy I was dating, who had planned this romantic bed & breakfast weekend, had gotten high right before he picked me up.  Last time I ever saw him.

You say that it's the lie, rather than the fact that she actually did the drugs, but is that true?  So what if she started being honest:  "Hey, I'm going to go snort some coke, what do you want for dinner?"

The lies go hand-in-hand with the drugs, and you are so unfortunately caught in the middle of all of this.

My worst fear?  Driving with her, getting stopped for a minor tail light, and....ooopsie, her drugs are in your car, and you get to go to jail.  Little stuff like that.

End this peacefully, let her go with the love that you do have for her, and find a truthful person who truly shares your views.

[smackie9]

On 11/5/2023 at 2:00 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

 

I didn’t go out because of the whole nightlife club scene, as I mentioned I am totally against drugs but alcohol also, I don’t see the enjoyment in it so don’t like to go out into town centre in to clubs with everyone off their heads drunk or on stuff. Again, a lot of stuff in my past has made me dislike alcohol and drugs with a passion so this is why I didn’t go out. 

Then why are you dating her? You are incompatible. She may not go out that much, but when she does she's out of control. 

My ex promised me he wouldn't sell coke....I found out he was so I burned/set fire to a 5 year relationship. I totally walked away. 

She's 29 years old....she obviously hasn't grownup yet. And that night is what you found out about, I'm sure there is more you don't know about. 

[Seraphim]

That would be too much of a lie for me . I would end the relationship. 

[catfeeder]

The topic of someone's lie would typically be irrelevant to me, because even casual dishonesty about small stuff would tank my confidence in any future potential with them. But DRUGS? To hell with that. Even just the risk of danger or legal consequences to myself or others from merely being around a user would eclipse the lie.

I'd have no hesitation walking away.

[JoyfulCompany]

On 11/5/2023 at 10:30 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

Eventually admitting it she said she took it not long after I dropped her off because she was thinking I wouldn’t find out

Wow, so either it was planned or she eagerly, without hesitation, hopped on the opportunity with the active intention to avoid any consequences. Not good.

I agree with what all the other guys have already said. I understand that you love her, you're attached to her, you live together which makes your lives intertwined and I'm sorry that you found out you may not really know your girlfriend. But:
 - lying to "not make you upset" is lying to you about who she is - even if it wasn't exactly about drugs that shows a shady character;
 - counselling? Is she even motivated to go to counselling? It seems to me you are the one looking for solutions, not her and if she understood the magnitude of the problem with lying, she should be.
Is she remorseful or defensive?

"My girlfriend did something that from the very beginning is a well-known deal-breaker for me, tried to hide it and actively lied about it when I asked repeatedly. I'm looking for solutions to go through the situation with my trust intact so we can continue being together." - this is how it looks to me.
She should be the one with the strategies to gain your trust back if it was a one-time (in this case at least two) thing and your values actually align. However I don't think she finds it problematic and due to personal experience, I'm not optimistic. In my case they got better at hiding.

Anyway, personal prognosis aside, I think you need to take some time to gain some perspective before deciding wether or not it's even worth fixing.

[Deejmonster]

On 11/5/2023 at 3:30 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

I’ve been in this relationship now about 18 months and I’ve never been happier, everything was perfect.

At the beginning of the relationship I said about my hatred for drugs, any of them. Due to past issues that have happened in my life I am completely against being with someone who takes them, and at the time my partner had said she had done stuff in the past but only every now and then when on nights out and never regularly and doesn’t do it anymore.

about 2-3 months in there was a situation where she was having a laughing fit while we were in bed and I thought nothing of it until about 2-3 months ago when she brought it up and said she had some weed and that’s why she was laughing so much. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had some weed that upset me it was the lie behind it. Anytime drugs had been brought up she would always say ‘I’ve never had anything while I’ve been with you, it was all before’ 

then last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am and called me. I knew instantly when she called me she wasn’t ok, she couldn’t speak and her friend was screaming at her to hold on to her to not fall. I said I would come meet them and o whatever they wanna do and when the nights over take them all home as I was worried she was going to hurt herself by how she sounded

i got to where they were and straight away knew she had taken cocaine, she was licking her lips like mad, didn’t have any idea who I was and then started asking her friends for more cocaine.

driving home I asked her did you have any cocaine tonight and her answer was always ‘no, why would I? I would never, I know you hate it’ no no no no, everytime I asked.

we got home and it continued ‘no I never took cocaine’ until I saw her messaging her friend about the situation and her friend told her she was asking for it infront of me she broke down knowing I already knew and confessed.

the lie to me is what made it worse then her actually taking it. Constantly to my face promising she never took it while I knew she had. Eventually admitting it she said she took it not long after I dropped her off because she was thinking I wouldn’t find out, which if anything made it even worse (I didn’t think it could get worse) and said she didn’t want to admit it to me because she knows how against it I am and didn’t want to upset me.

Now I don’t know what to do, this girl is everything to me and these last 18 months have been perfect. But I just feel that my trust in her has gone. I told her if she had just said yeah she had some it would be a different issue we would work on and get passed but the lying to me has now made me feel it’s impossible to trust her. Tried explaining next time she goes out and then says she didnt take anything how can I trust her ? And she understands.

 

I don’t know what to do. Continue talking it out? But how do I build back that trust? Counselling? I don’t know. I feel stuck. 

any advice please? 

I think that the fact that you live together does complicate some things but you need to be honest with yourself and her about whether you are willing to put up with this type of behavior. I understand your stance on drugs. That is a line that you are not willing to cross and that is ok. Her behavior suggests to me that this isn't the first time that she may have done it behind your back, but rather it's the first time that she got caught. One does not simply start doing cocaine at a party unless they are familiar with it and have done it in the past. You just need to figure out if you really think you two can come back from this and whether you can trust her again, or whether you are going to stick to your values and cut ties with her. From my perspective, drugs are a no-no in relationships. She already admitted to using weed in the past while you were together and now you caught her with cocaine. She will likely continue to slip up in the future if you stick around. 

[ArdenWinnie]

Thanks for all your replies. 
 We’ve done a lot of talking over the last few days and she is very remorseful, whether that’s because she got caught or is genuine I guess is to see. 
 

She has apologised over and over and explained she lied because she knew my stance on it and didn’t want to hurt me and knows she shouldn’t have taken it or lied to me. She did tell me at the beginning of the relationship it’s something she has done before in the past but wasn’t a regular thing. And given the fact that we have been together almost 2 years and this is only the 2nd time she has gone out with friends (and the first time I was also there) I do believe her that this is the only time she had taken it since we’ve been together, and she explained she kinda of felt pressured as all her other friends were doing it. 
 

the counselling thing we have both brought up separately. But as mentioned we have done a lot of talking about it. She has as I mentioned apologised over and over and understands what she done and the consequences it has caused. 
 

Due to the way she was when I got there I was so shocked and knew she probably wouldn’t believe she was in a bad state (as most drunk people would do) I recorded some clips of her to show her to make her see and understand and when I shown her them she was totally shocked at how bad she was, and again apologised over and over. She has said since that she doesn’t want to go out again with that friend group and because of my stance on alcohol and drugs doesn’t even want to go on a night out anymore. Unless I am with her so she can prove and show me it’s not what she wants to do again as she understands the worry and issues I would have if she was going out again.

Said our relationship is more important to her than alcohol or drugs and doesn’t and won’t do any ever again to jeopardise what we have.

I mentioned in my original post… and I know it might be impossible for some people to believe but our relationship was perfect. There was no faults on either side. And I want to believe her with what she said since this has happened as she has shown me messaged to people in that friend group that she doesn’t want to be involved in that lifestyle that they might still want to be a part of and won’t be going on anymore nights out with them. 
 

She does seem genuine with her apologies and makes no excuses for what she’s done. She knows she was wrong, she knows what she could of ruined and has told me she wouldn’t blame for wanting to end it.

I feel a lot people are very quick nowadays to say ‘it’s over’ and as I have said before, the past 2 years have been perfect and I’ve never been happier in my life than I have been with her. After A LOT of talking she understands it’s going to take me some time and a LOT of work but we want to try and work past this and get back to how we were. But she also knows under no circumstances where this to happen again would we continue, and she accepts that fully and like I’ve said has said she never wants to be around that friend group anymore as our relationship and what we have is more important, she realises she messed up massively and doesn’t want it to happen again.

[Batya33]

It's not a nowadays thing at all  -people stayed with people who lied and took illegal drugs when they had few options - like women.  If you trust her not to use drugs again then I suggest not monitoring her -either you trust her or you don't.

So her work is not hanging out with those friends anymore.  Ok that's a step. What other work is she planning to do -since she says she is so sorry and wants this relationship more than she wants to take drugs/lie.  Does she think she truly will stop going out at all?

Does she believe she can't be around alcohol or drugs at all? What's her plan? In real life -in the next days/weeks/months she's understandably going to want to go out at night and have a social life -so what work is she going to do to find social activities that she believes will help her meet people who do stuff other than get drunk and take drugs? 

"Nowadays" people throw around fancy psycho speak terms like "work" "and work through" - put the real effort in and figure out the simple basic nitty gritty -what is the work? You've used talk and gotten it out -cool - so what work is she going to do today?

[smackie9]

She lied not to not hurt you but to save her own skin. She was only thinking about herself...and to be surprised how wasted she was?? I don't believe that for a second. How many more times does it take? She lacks self control. When is she going to say "oh S$%^, I do have a problem" and stop blaming her friends group. 

[MissCanuck]

28 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When is she going to say "oh S$%^, I do have a problem" and stop blaming her friends group.

This. She's got some growing up to do. 

23 hours ago, ArdenWinnie said:

doesn’t even want to go on a night out anymore. Unless I am with her

This is extreme, and plain unrealistic. She plans to never go out again unless you are there? Come on. That isn't a viable or healthy solution long-term. It shouldn't be necessary for her to forgo all nights out (without you tagging along) just so that she doesn't risk taking drugs. She's either got a serious lack of self-control around substances, or she's very insecure in your relationship. 

23 hours ago, ArdenWinnie said:

given the fact that we have been together almost 2 years and this is only the 2nd time she has gone out with friends

Do neither of you have much of a social life outside the relationship? It's rather strange that in two years she's almost never been out with her friends. I am not suggesting she needs to be out clubbing all the time or something but I am curious if you two do in fact spend time with your respective friends. 

23 hours ago, ArdenWinnie said:

I feel a lot people are very quick nowadays to say ‘it’s over’

Eh, not really. A glance around these forums will reveal that people just as often hang on to bad relationships past their expiration dates too. I am not saying that is your case, but your assertion that people nowadays are quick to bail isn't really accurate. 

 

[Seraphim]

I am not quick to bail. I have been married 30 years. I am just not prepared to put up with drugs and booze. 

[boltnrun]

I did drugs when I was younger. Not constantly but still plenty of times. I stopped when I was in my very early 20s. I just didn't want to do it anymore. It wasn't enjoyable. And it wasn't anyone pressuring me, I just didn't like pot (made me stupid) and I liked cocaine too much and knew it could become a real problem if I did it again. So I never did. 

I am not an addict (I do not believe everyone who has ever used drugs is an addict).

Just wanted to give you a different perspective.

However, the lying? And claiming she did cocaine because her friends pressured her? I would have more of a problem with that.

I can't say if she's an addict or is what is called a "recreational user" (as I was). If she's hiding more drug use from you or from anyone else then yes, she probably has a problem. If not, and she voluntarily and easily stops, I would say she is probably not an addict and could possibly live the rest of her life without ever using drugs again (as I have). But it's still a good idea to avoid people who have and use drugs for various reasons. One arrest for drug possession can destroy someone's life. 

[ArdenWinnie]

The whole only going out if I come was her way of saying she wanted to prove she’s not going to do it again. It wasn’t something that I suggested down to a lack of trust nor is it something I want to do or said yes to. She said she understands that my trust in her had been broken and understands that even if she promises she wouldn’t do it again I would still have doubts due to the lying initially so she said that.
 

I don’t believe for 1 second that she has a drug problem, she had admitted when we got together it was something she had done before in the past and it’s not something that she needs to take. 

Regarding only going out twice in 2 years, I meant on a night out. Of course we have both been out separately with friends, she’s been out plenty of times while we have been together, but as a night out this is only the second time. 
 

She understands that my trust has been broken and does seem very sincere in her apologies. She understands what she done has caused a massive issue but we both really want to work on it and get passed it.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, ArdenWinnie said:

but we both really want to work on it and get passed it.

What work are you going to do -today, this week? You keep writing about some "work" and I asked you what work she was going to do -specifically? Is it just some throwaway term so you can tell yourself stories about being ok with a lie like this? Is it work for you to change your values about lying and drug use? Work to learn new skills where you can somehow block out what she did? How does not going out at night prove anything? What if she gets drunk during the day hanging with a friend at her house and the friend has a stash of drugs -will she choose to resist the temptation?

[Deejmonster]

On 11/7/2023 at 4:06 PM, ArdenWinnie said:

I mentioned in my original post… and I know it might be impossible for some people to believe but our relationship was perfect. There was no faults on either side.

I seriously think that you are looking at this through rose colored glasses. If everything in your relationship was perfect and she had no faults, you wouldn't be in this situation. She has admitted to lying and doing drugs behind your back. I think you need to at least admit that the relationship does have its faults and that maybe you are subconsciously overlooking it. From what I can gather, it looks as though she is comfortable with experimenting with recreational narcotics but knows that this is something that you are against, so she chooses to either hide this from you or opts to not partake as to not upset you (which is also a red flag). How old are the both of you?

Just in the way you are informing us on the situation, I think you are overlooking some things that might show that the two of you are not compatible. I am going to go out on a limb and say that it appears as though you may be more emotionally invested that she is and I wouldn't be surprised if her attitude quickly changes after this. She is likely going to tell you that she feels pressured by you to act a certain way and that she feels like you are going to judge her decisions moving forward. I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship starts to spiral. (This may be out of bonds and my unsolicited opinion talking) but I have seen this and been in situations like this before. 

[boltnrun]

There's a difference between choosing not to partake in illegal drugs or excess alcohol consumption and only stopping because someone else doesn't like it.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/5/2023 at 1:50 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're beginning to develop a parent child relationship.

I'd say it's already developed into a parent-child dynamic, lord.  As a grown woman, I would never tolerate such heavy-handedness from my boyfriend.

From my reading, this was a one off.  She doesn't have an ongoing drug problem, she doesn't need to be monitored nor should she need to report back to you.  You're her boyfriend after all, NOT her prison warden. 

If you want your relationship to work OP, understand that sh*t sometimes happens, and learn to let things go, life's too short.

Again it was a one off, sort of like me going out with friends and getting very very drunk, which is out of character for me and my boyfriend "lecturing" me on the dangers of drinking and considering breaking up because of it. Which sorry is ridiculous.

Graciously accept her apology, trust that she knows she shouldn't have lied and feels remorseful.  And that.she understands that should she lie to you in the future, it will have consequences.

The one off re her cocaine usage while out with friends, again it was a ONE OFF, she's NOT an addict which would be totally different.

Lighten the heck up, reign in your need to control and let it go.

Go enjoy your relationship, and have fun.  You sound incredibly intense.  I've experienced that same type of intensity from boyfriends, it was utterly exhausting and I felt completely drained from it.

 

[Batya33]

I think the lying plus drug use plus her knowing from the beginning his stance on drug use is far from a one off.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the lying plus drug use plus her knowing from the beginning his stance on drug use is far from a one off.

Perhaps but my point is when you treat your partner (gf, bf) like a child, that's what you can expect, them rebelling like a child. 

Their whole dynamic is off, he acts like her father and a very strict one at that so naturally she rebels.

She lied to you OP because to be truthful was to hear your wrath which she ended up hearing anyway.

Instead create an open dynamic wherein she is free to express herself and be truthful without fear of being reprimanded or judged..   You created this dynamic with your heavy-handedness imo

I dunno, maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship anymore but I find so many of them so oppressive and controlling.

Squelching the energy right out of ya,

Yes I'm probably projecting at.least in part, but that's what I'm seeing here.