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Thread: Girlfriend never includes me in decisions

  1. #11
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    Honestly, the next time you take a trip get a babysitter/make it for when the kid is at the dad's and do couples trip just the two of you that is in a romantic spot - no kids allowed

  2. #12
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    She certainly should have consulted you about bringing extra people on the camping trip. It's very disrespectful of her to assume you're going to be paying for food for three extra people, not to mention having the responsibility for looking after the safety of extra kids.

    You don't seem to have very good communication with each other. Her disregard for your opinions about whom to take on the camping trip shows that there are some deep problems with your relationship.

    As far as her kids are concerned, I agree with the others that you should not be involved in any parenting issues, since you are not the parent. If you don't like the way she handles her children, you are free to leave.

  3. #13
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This isn't about "parenting" this is about inviting others to an already planned trip. You have to grow a spine, man up, and speak your mind. If you don't firmly put you foot down, you are in a losing battle. Communication is key.

    Just me but I get a feeling you are being used...you are her gravy train.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ^^^ Yes, I agree that's why I asked the questions I did, I want to see if he called her out on her chit or just milquetoasted when she was inconsiderate and entitled by not asking him about inviting others.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hurkumer
    I have been with my gf for two years and we have lived together for most of our relationship.

    She has kids, and I am never included in any parenting decisions and really any sort of decisions.

    An example is that we have been planning a camping trip for a long time, and right at the last minute, she just announced that she told her son her could bring his two friends along and our neighbor is also coming along.

    I was the one who actually booked the cabin, paid for it, so it’s not like I am just tagging along. Besides, we are supposedly a couple that functions like we are married. Isn’t inviting three more people to a family camping trip something that should have been run by me first? Shouldn’t I be included?

    She makes me feel like she doesn’t respect me, like I don’t matter. Any thoughts?
    Your account of events is pretty basic.... It tells us what's going on right now that's in your disfavour but it doesn't offer the reader any insight into why your relationship is skewed like this at all. Ie. what other issues do you have in your relationship? You mentioned booking the cabin and paying for it which indicates you're aware of the finances. Are you both also imbalanced or have disagreements regarding your finances in other areas? Do you have disagreements regularly about how money is spent or how money is allotted to various events or social gatherings?

    Do you regularly make decisions unanimously regarding your friends and family(ie your own friends and family)? What is your relationship like with the kids and have you taken the time to develop any relationship with them or the family friends/neighbours? Are you away from home a lot of the time or working? Why do you feel so much of an outsider?

    What are your thoughts about your relationship appearing so divided? Why do you think she makes you feel disrespected?

  7. #16

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    This was my first post, and I am kind of shocked at all the replies! Thank you all for replying. I have to say, though, that some of you made some huge assumptions and formed your interpretation on them.

    1. My girlfriend isnt using me financially. She literally makes three and a half times what I make. Shes successful. I only mentioned paying for the cabin to make it clear that I have been involved in planning for the trip, and it wasnt a situation where I was just asked if I wanted to come along on one that was already planned or being planned independently of me.

    2. My girlfriends kids are all teenagers and their father is dead. Also, we do things without the kids, but this was meant to be a family camping trip.

    3. I have communicated about this issue and everything else in our relationship. I have never had trouble growing a spine in this or any other relationship. I may, however, tend to select mates that dont have a lot of communication skills. My gf is no exception. It is very difficult to ever get her to participate in a conversationshes extremely defensive, quick to anger, and uses sarcasm, mocking laughter, and poisons the well of discourse by saying things like, Yep, I suck. Everything I do is wrong no matter what. You are always right. Nothing is ever fair to you, etc. In this way, shes like my ex wife. And my mom.

    4. This one is more of a response than a clarification. Some of you are saying that I should have no role in parenting whatsoever. Really? Why? Because Im not the biological father? Hes dead and they have no memory of him, so that means these kids just have to miss out on having a male in a parenting role? Some of you think that a step parent should not be informed about issues with his wifes kids and not take a role in making decisions pertaining to the kids?

    The idea for us, at least in theory, is that she is the face, with her kids, the executive, but we discuss things and come to decisions together behind the scenes. That way it is mom being the disciplinarian, etc., but I still have a voice in parenting decisions that affect all of us, including myself and my daughter.

    In practice, however, she doesnt tell me anything. She makes decisions without any communication with me, and I often only find out about things when I observe them or the kids tell me. If we come up with parenting-related plans together ( like behavior contracts or plans for chores), she invariably fails to follow through with them. I have to give up on them as well because I cant be the sole enforcer when I am a Johnny-come-lately in their lives. When I try to discuss these problems with her, I (90% of the time) get all of the negative stuff that I described above.

    My girlfriend has gone through considerable hardships and even horrors in her life. Without a doubt that is one of the central roots of all of the problems I am describing. Despite it all, I am madly in love with her and I want things to work out.

    Obviously my original question is the tip of the iceberg, a pimple on an elephants ass.

    Some say run the hell away. If I do, I am running from a person who is wonderful, cares deeply about others, hasnt had a break in life, and is effed up beyond belief. I was aware of all of this from the very beginning and asked myself what kind of person I would be if I deemed her undeserving of a chance at a good relationship and genuine love. And shes hot. So here I am.

  8. #17
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    Then why haven't you gotten couples counseling? Without it, this will not work.

    You sound like a complete doormat in this relationship. We can't use the past as an excuse to treat others poorly. Stop excusing her. She can choose to get help to treat you properly and treat you with respect. Your relationship sounds co dependent and very unhealthy.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    What prompted the decision for you all to live together so early on in the relationship?
    It seems like a rush to be a family unit rather than taking time to build a partnership first. And I wonder how the kids have felt about that, particularly as teenagers?

    When I was a teen, my mother got serious with who would later become a step father to me. It took my brother and I years to accept him as someone we trusted. And that was without him living with us, and him being someone who highly respected our boundaries as far as not wanting or able to give instant closeness with him. We had our family, us and our mom. No, he did not have a say in parenting us. He earned our respect by treating our mom and us well, and by not inserting himself inbetween us.

    You describe your gf as effed up beyond belief, a poor toxic communicator, and that she has been through hell and back. Situations like that make the bonds between her and her kids even more complicated. With all that, they've struggled for recognition more than usual. This is the person they've had to rely upon for everything.

    I think you are shooting yourself in the foot here trying to enforce some sort of insta family. And she's not coo coo for not falling into that dynamic with you. Have you thought about dialing way back, maybe moving out, and see if there is a solid relationship between the two of you without all this forced togetherness?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like a power struggle where she calls the shots and tells you after the fact how it's gonna be. How consistent is that throughout your relationship dynamics? Not informing/consulting you means she makes the decisions letting you know on an 'as needed' basis. Similar to the way a boss might treat subordinates at work.
    Originally Posted by Hurkumer
    She literally makes three and a half times what I make.
    She makes decisions without any communication with me, and I often only find out about things when I observe them or the kids tell me.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Then why haven't you gotten couples counseling? Without it, this will not work.

    You sound like a complete doormat in this relationship. We can't use the past as an excuse to treat others poorly. Stop excusing her. She can choose to get help to treat you properly and treat you with respect. Your relationship sounds co dependent and very unhealthy.
    We have been in couples counseling fairly regularly.
    In order for me to be a doormat, I would have to take the boots lying down. As I explained, I have never had a problem growing a spine in any relationship. When I think something is unhealthy or wrong or admits of general bullchittiness, I speak my mind.
    If I get to the point where I think she is never going to change some of her behaviors toward me, I will leave. And she knows that.
    Nothing I have said is an excuse for anything. One can appreciate the influence and even causal role that past traumas have on current behaviors without putting emotional blinders on. Her past isnt an excuse. She is an intelligent, successful woman that was emancipated as a minor and fought like hell to put herself through school and build her self a great career despite an almost complete lack of nurture and support growing up. This was all before most of the really bad stuff happened to her. Despite that, she has done some great things in her life and continues to do so. If I were making excuses from her past, I would have no way to explain how she is the lioness that she is.
    No matter how monumentally horrible her past was, I respect her far too much to turn any of it into an excuse that would undermine the grit and strength that has gotten her through ten times what Ive been through.

    Maybe this is one of the reasons that I am fighting like hell for a relationship that hasnt been easy. And shes hot.

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