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Thread: Facebook Messages

  1. #21
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    I'm the first person to say NO ex's!

    I won't even get involved w a man who still keeps contact w an ex, unless they have kids.

    But is she really an ex? She is a childhood friend, they never dated, only had some pseudo "relationship" on line years ago.

    Honestly, if me, I would never go snooping in the first place, to me that's the issue to be concerned about, but if I found out my bf sent a simple happy birthday greeting to a close female childhood friend, I'd seriously let it go.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-30-2019 at 04:01 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    But is she really an ex? She is a childhood friend, they never dated, only had some pseudo "relationship" on line years ago.
    This, among other things, is kind of my hang up here.

    In no place is she referred to as an ex, but as a high school friend who lives states away. Husband's "relationship" with her, prior to getting married, consisted of what? An uptick in FB messages that maybe got a little wistful while they were both single? Have these two even seen each other in 3D since they were teenagers? That last question being one I wouldn't mind OP shedding some light on.

    Meanwhile, since becoming involved with and eventually married to OP, his messages have been appropriate, if unreported? They also sound pretty sporadic, not some extended emotional confessional that's been playing out behind digital closed doors. The biggest "transgression" here is wishing an old friend happy birthday via a PM instead of a wall post?

    I'm sorry, but that seems like very little to be getting worked up about.

    And I'm not saying all that to defend the husband, to tell OP that she's over-reacting, or to say the only problem in this marriage is OP's insecurity. It's just very hard for me to believe this is really even the issue here, but an "easier" issue to confront than the real one, which is that there is no trust inside a relationship in which communication has been replaced by snooping. Makes me wonder how much these two have played with the tension of jealousy, paranoia, and distrust instead of finding ways to access the deeper waters of open, honest communication where real trust is built, sustained, and, when needed, repaired. I mean, if OP was curious about whether he was still in touch why not just ask?

    None of us, I don't think, have enough information to know how and when that dynamic formed, but I don't think it's as simple as the husband having porous boundaries with a female friend.

  3. #23
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    ^Man, that was well said blue.

    Covered all points to which I wholeheartedly agree!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This, among other things, is kind of my hang up here.

    In no place is she referred to as an ex, but as a high school friend who lives states away. Husband's "relationship" with her, prior to getting married, consisted of what? An uptick in FB messages that maybe got a little wistful while they were both single? Have these two even seen each other in 3D since they were teenagers? That last question being one I wouldn't mind OP shedding some light on.
    Disagree. The reason being she made a reference to him being the one that got away. That's incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate especially if we are considering that there is someone else in the picture who is uncomfortable about her presence in the first place.

    I don't think it's as simple as the husband having porous boundaries with a female friend.
    I think it is (extraordinarily simple). It's fairly simple too without deflecting the main point: they are married. This isn't a new relationship or a casual relationship the OP has just kindled with this man. It's her husband and this may be my own understanding of marriage influencing my opinion but that bond should come before any other relationships, least of all one with a high school friend of the opposite sex. It's (speaking about the "friendship" here) superficial, mindboggling, insulting and quite unnecessary in the big picture, again, considering that this OP and her husband have a life together and made a solid commitment to each other.

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  6. #25
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    I agree Rose, committed relationship/marriage bonds should come before all other relationships, excluding your children; however I didn’t read where OP posted that her husband was/is placing his friendship w this old high school friend before his marriage.

    He sent her a birthday greeting on FB. Over the years, they’ve kept in touch sporadically, nothing inappropriate, they’re friends.

    She is not his "ex" they never dated, their "relationship" consisted of some on line chats years ago while both single.

    I dunno, perhaps it’s my more progressive liberal view on committed relationships and marriage, but I fail to see how maintaining a friendship with an old high school friend would be considered superficial, mind boggling and insulting.

    Would you feel the same way if his old friend were male instead of female? Not judging if that's the case, just asking.

    Anyway, we all have different views on things, you have yours, I have mine, everyone else has theirs.
    Which is OKAY in my world.

    Bottom line, OP does not trust her husband, their communication is extremely poor, there is a lack of emotional honesty that warrants addressing more than him sending an old HS friend an innocent bday greeting on FB.

    JMO as always.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.
    They lived in different states so the relationship was just talk.
    So, let me get this straight - they were in a relationship but they lived in different states. Was it an LDR? Did they personally see each other at some point?

    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    So here is where I have a problem. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. But I feel that if he only thinks of her as a friend then he should have posted it on her Facebook and not in private. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried?
    Sending a private happy birthday message to someone (whom you have known for a very long time) on Facebook Messenger is nothing to write home about.

    What concerns me is that you don't trust your husband. That is, you don't trust his ability to not cheat on you. I'm not saying this to blame you at all. My point is that either you trust that he will not cheat on you or you don't.

    Have there been other instances that suggest to you that he is capable of cheating? Has someone cheated on you before?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My distinction (from experience and from observing how people behave over time) is that this is not a usual friendship and therefore cannot be likened to a male friend. That's where there's a complete difference in the way we approach this issue, Katrina. I'm strongly liberal in many of my views especially when it comes to rights and liberties in a relationship and an individual's self-expression. I totally believe in full autonomy even as a married individual. Where I draw the line is when others are affected by the indiscretions and bad choices by the people closest to them and trust becomes an issue because that trust is betrayed. I definitely would not be messaging a married man that he was the one that got away in private. And neither would a straight male friend be messaging the OP's husband that he was the one that got away.

    Judging from his inconsistent behaviour and the way he has inconsistently treated this particular "friend" (comparing his relationship with her in his first marriage and his second marriage), he's already suspect and I mentioned twice that this is a red flag. Andrina also mentioned it. This would be the third time I'm repeating myself but I see that some don't see the same red flags that I do. You're welcome to your opinions of course but I'm more of the mind that this way of thinking is far too naive. I don't think it's about liberal versus conservative. It's about seeing the writing blazing on the wall. Even so, I definitely respect your thoughts because it gives food for thought and I'm happy to explore the issue.

    I'm also aware that our own perceptions of what's acceptable within or without a marriage depends on the way a person conducts his or her own life. When I think about my husband I would never betray his trust maintaining a friendship with a male highschool friend, messaging private messages regardless of whose birthday it is knowing that this same friendship caused issues in my previous marriage, and most appalling of all, telling that friend he was the one that got away. This would be absurd and completely inappropriate.

    In general I don't think friends of the opposite sex are immoral or wrong. It's the context in this case that makes it so unbelievably wrong.

  9. #28
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    You may very well be right Rose, but for me I would need more definitive evidence to come to the same conclusion as you, that's all.

    All we've got is Op's perception, which is largely based on distrust, and insecurity.

    And even w that, there still isn't enough for me.

    Even when I consider his friend's comment "you're the one that got away."

    I don't know the context in which it was said, if they had been joking, talking about old times, it is possible it was harmess banter between two long time friends.

    It's also possible it wasn't, but again just not enough for me to draw any sort definitive conclusion about it.

    And when I am unsure or lack the proper evidence, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

    I highly respect your opinion(s) too, and carefully considered, but still feel the same way.

    So guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

  10. #29
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.
    Does he ever visit her one-on-one? Does he spend copious amounts of time on his computer or cell phone being in contact with her? Is there anything other than a birthday wish you've found that should make your gut sing out that he's emotionally cheating on you with her?

    Yes they may have dated for a while and yes, I'd not like my hubby getting messages from another woman stroking his ego by telling him that he's the one that got away but if they aren't doing any of the things that promote or indicate an emotional or physical affair then I'd not be freaked out much by it. It would make me ask him why he didn't shut down her inappropriate statements to him though.

    I don't think any woman who knows her opposite sex "friend" is married or in a relationship should be telling her "friend" that he's the one that got away. Geezus does no one have any decorum anymore when it comes to the sanctity of someone's marriage? Its as if you (the general you) feel something just vomit it out without care or respect to that "friend's" spouse? No one has a filter anymore it seems.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't worry, Katrina. I totally understand and you bring up a good point about the need for more evidence. I'm looking forward to anything else that might clear this up too (I could have completely misunderstood the situation). Hope things are sorted and she is able to talk to her husband at least.

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