Facebook Messages

[greendots]

A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.

They lived in different states so the relationship was just talk.

So, let me get this straight - they were in a relationship but they lived in different states. Was it an LDR? Did they personally see each other at some point?

 

So here is where I have a problem. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. But I feel that if he only thinks of her as a friend then he should have posted it on her Facebook and not in private. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried?

Sending a private happy birthday message to someone (whom you have known for a very long time) on Facebook Messenger is nothing to write home about.

 

What concerns me is that you don't trust your husband. That is, you don't trust his ability to not cheat on you. I'm not saying this to blame you at all. My point is that either you trust that he will not cheat on you or you don't.

 

Have there been other instances that suggest to you that he is capable of cheating? Has someone cheated on you before?

[Rose Mosse]

My distinction (from experience and from observing how people behave over time) is that this is not a usual friendship and therefore cannot be likened to a male friend. That's where there's a complete difference in the way we approach this issue, Katrina. I'm strongly liberal in many of my views especially when it comes to rights and liberties in a relationship and an individual's self-expression. I totally believe in full autonomy even as a married individual. Where I draw the line is when others are affected by the indiscretions and bad choices by the people closest to them and trust becomes an issue because that trust is betrayed. I definitely would not be messaging a married man that he was the one that got away in private. And neither would a straight male friend be messaging the OP's husband that he was the one that got away.

 

Judging from his inconsistent behaviour and the way he has inconsistently treated this particular "friend" (comparing his relationship with her in his first marriage and his second marriage), he's already suspect and I mentioned twice that this is a red flag. Andrina also mentioned it. This would be the third time I'm repeating myself but I see that some don't see the same red flags that I do. You're welcome to your opinions of course but I'm more of the mind that this way of thinking is far too naive. I don't think it's about liberal versus conservative. It's about seeing the writing blazing on the wall. Even so, I definitely respect your thoughts because it gives food for thought and I'm happy to explore the issue.

 

I'm also aware that our own perceptions of what's acceptable within or without a marriage depends on the way a person conducts his or her own life. When I think about my husband I would never betray his trust maintaining a friendship with a male highschool friend, messaging private messages regardless of whose birthday it is knowing that this same friendship caused issues in my previous marriage, and most appalling of all, telling that friend he was the one that got away. This would be absurd and completely inappropriate.

 

In general I don't think friends of the opposite sex are immoral or wrong. It's the context in this case that makes it so unbelievably wrong.

[katrina1980]

You may very well be right Rose, but for me I would need more definitive evidence to come to the same conclusion as you, that's all.

 

All we've got is Op's perception, which is largely based on distrust, and insecurity.

 

And even w that, there still isn't enough for me.

 

Even when I consider his friend's comment "you're the one that got away."

 

I don't know the context in which it was said, if they had been joking, talking about old times, it is possible it was harmess banter between two long time friends.

 

It's also possible it wasn't, but again just not enough for me to draw any sort definitive conclusion about it.

 

And when I am unsure or lack the proper evidence, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I highly respect your opinion(s) too, and carefully considered, but still feel the same way.

 

So guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

[ThatwasThen]

But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.

Does he ever visit her one-on-one? Does he spend copious amounts of time on his computer or cell phone being in contact with her? Is there anything other than a birthday wish you've found that should make your gut sing out that he's emotionally cheating on you with her?

 

Yes they may have dated for a while and yes, I'd not like my hubby getting messages from another woman stroking his ego by telling him that he's the one that got away but if they aren't doing any of the things that promote or indicate an emotional or physical affair then I'd not be freaked out much by it. It would make me ask him why he didn't shut down her inappropriate statements to him though.

 

I don't think any woman who knows her opposite sex "friend" is married or in a relationship should be telling her "friend" that he's the one that got away. Geezus does no one have any decorum anymore when it comes to the sanctity of someone's marriage? Its as if you (the general you) feel something just vomit it out without care or respect to that "friend's" spouse? No one has a filter anymore it seems.

[Rose Mosse]

Don't worry, Katrina. I totally understand and you bring up a good point about the need for more evidence. I'm looking forward to anything else that might clear this up too (I could have completely misunderstood the situation). Hope things are sorted and she is able to talk to her husband at least.

[Jibralta]

Should I be worried that my husband is sending private messages on Facebook to another woman? Sorry but I will admit that I checked my husband's Facebook messages a few months ago. I know I shouldn't have. But I found messages from where he was is a relationship with a woman before I meet him. But he never told me that they was in a relationship. They have been friends since high school. They lived in different states so the relationship was just talk. From what I can tell she just stopped talking to him. But after we got together and was engaged to be married she started messaging him again. Now from what I read he never said anything inappropriate to her since we been together. But she did tell him that he was the one that got away. Now we got married last year but what I didn't know was that our wedding was on her birthday. She message him on our wedding day to tell him that. So here is where I have a problem. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. But I feel that if he only thinks of her as a friend then he should have posted it on her Facebook and not in private. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried?

 

I don't think you're crazy. If I were in his shoes, I would stop talking to this woman the minute she told me that I was the one who got away. That's a lot of meaningless flattery. Why say something like that unless you're trying to ingratiate yourself to another person? And why say something like that when you know the recipient is in a committed relationship with someone else?

 

Also, I'm not interested to hear that your birthday is on my anniversary because my anniversary is not about you. It's about me, my partner, and our relationship.

 

It seems pretty obvious to me where she was going with all of that, and I wouldn't entertain it. just can't stand manipulative people. But that's just me.

[Heatwave]

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm not worried about my husband. I truly believe that he loves me and only me. I'm more worried about this woman trying to come in between us. Should I ask him to remove/block her or just trust my husband? Now remember she only started messaging him again on our wedding day with the comment that he was the one that got away.

[bluecastle]

Help me understand some things.

 

Has your husband seen her since high school? Have they been regularly messaging throughout the year or so that you've been married? And what was the context where she said he was the one that got away? What was his response?

 

And has this woman come up as a talking point between you guys with some frequency?

 

I think you should trust your husband. But I also think you should be able to talk to your husband about your feelings and anything that concerns you. The tricky thing here, of course, is that in asking him for clearer boundaries you have to own up to reading his messages.

[Heatwave]

My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today. You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday. His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.

[bluecastle]

So that was a year ago? And then this year he reached out and wished her a happy birthday?

[Wiseman2]

She can't come between you if you're 'not worried about your husband'.

I'm not worried about my husband.

I'm more worried about this woman trying to come in between us.

[bluecastle]

She can't come between you if you're 'not worried about your husband'.

 

This is actually a really great point.

 

If you're not worried about your husband then a supermodel could stop him on his way to work, ask if he wants to take a helicopter to a yacht for the weekend, and you know he wouldn't flinch because he's with you, committed to you.

 

So maybe it's worth changing this conversation a bit, to accept that you are a bit worried—and that's okay. You know that this woman had some kind of influence over his last marriage, and her messages do indicate that she's wistful in a way that doesn't respect your marriage.

 

Being bummed that the "one that got away" is getting married—well, that's totally allowed, totally human. Sharing it with that person—well, that's totally uncool, selfish and immature. It's an attempt to stir the pot.

 

While your husband doesn't seem to be giving into that, he doesn't quite seem to be shutting it down in a way that works for you. Per some or Rose's posts, I do think it's important that those of us in relationships—and especially marriages—keep pot-stirrers out. There's just no place for them, nothing they offer save for the potential of drama.

 

Have you had a calm and open talk with him about your feelings about this woman?

[Heatwave]

No I haven't really talked to him about her. I'm trying to keep an open mind and don't want to act the crazy wife that don't allow her husband to have female friends. This is really the only one that I dislike. And it's all because her messages to him. There was a few messages from her during the past year asking him to call her. But I didn't see where he responded to any of them.

[katrina1980]

 

But I didn't see where he responded to any of them.

 

To me, this is shutting her down.

 

Short of him blatantly telling her to bugger off, which being she has been a long time friend since HS, he may feel is rude and unnecessary, I think not responding is fine. Good.

 

I also understand why you hesitate bringing it up, making it an issue when there actually isn't one. Again jmo.

 

There will always be women trying to come between you; for me, I've learned to live w it.

 

As long as my bf does not engage and encourage it, it's not an issue for me.

 

I admit, w prior bf's it was at times, human nature, but when there is mutual trust and your connection is strong and solid, I focus on that and don't allow it to get to me.

 

With respect to him sending her a bday greeting, again just me, I would let it go but continue observing.

 

If things appear to be off, his behaviour shady in any way, or if you feel he is not himself and hiding something, then talk to him about that.

 

I realize my response differs fm others, best to weigh all responses, and do what's best for you.

[Rose Mosse]

No I haven't really talked to him about her. I'm trying to keep an open mind and don't want to act the crazy wife that don't allow her husband to have female friends. This is really the only one that I dislike. And it's all because her messages to him. There was a few messages from her during the past year asking him to call her. But I didn't see where he responded to any of them.

 

You're his wife. Start acting like it. I think you're too afraid and debilitated by your fears of how you appear to other people and instead of getting things done and being assertive or speaking your mind as you ought to do, you're making excuses for your own poor behaviour. You SHOULD be speaking with him directly about what bothers you.

[bluecastle]

So, I agree with what Katrina is saying. To me all that is kind of the goal state, and it's the state I personally try to operate in. But at the moment I think it's a state very far from the reality of your situation, and not something you can manifest on your own.

 

You say you don't want to be the "crazy wife," which is totally understandable. None of us want to be the "crazy" one, all of us want to be the "cool" one. Well, scratch that. What we really want is to genuinely be cool, not act cool. Because acting cool? Well, it's a form of crazy.

 

Right now I get the feeling that you're acting "cool," with him, while being a little "crazy" on the edges. When that dynamic started only you can say. But you're looking through his messages, posting on here, spinning around in your head and heart—those are just facts. You are also for some reason scared to talk to your husband about your feelings—another fact.

 

These, right now, are the facts that need to be addressed. They need to be replaced with new facts—facts you build on your own and, most importantly, together.

 

I admit I'm still struggling to understand your dynamic a bit. You're saying your husband knows you've seen these messages, knows you looked through his phone, but somehow none of this was actually talked about? What does that mean? The he grunted twice and you swallowed down your discomfort, and then came here to post? No judgment, just curious.

 

Basically what I think you need right now—to eventually access that genuinely cool and confident place, in yourself and in your marriage—is to address what's up here.

 

Something like: "Hey, hubby? So I'm not proud that I looked through those messages, but I can't shake what I saw. I am all for both of us having friendships outside the marriage, but her intentions do not strike me as solely friendly. It feels like energy that doesn't serve our marriage, since it makes trust harder to build..."

 

Or some such. Guess my point is that while (to my mind) I think he's shutting it down, if you're still in the spins it's 100 percent okay to ask for harder boundaries. This isn't about policing your husband or asking him to never talk to women. It's about finding comfort in knowing that he is seeing and hearting you first, and that together you're building a sanctum in which you can both be happy, safe, secure.

[LC8328]

My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today. You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday. His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.

 

Ok, THIS changes things. She wants him to think of her on YOUR anniversary, every year? That's the straw that broke the camel's back. And saying "i'm sorry you're getting married today" instead of being a good sport and saying congratulations? Ugh I'm so mad for you, OP.

 

I'm glad that your husband didn't address the wacko stuff she said, so in that respect he is not encouraging it BUT imo, he could just not talk to her anymore. Because it seems to me that she is trying to take advantage of the minimal contact she does have with him.

 

To me this kind of thing (people/exes hitting on your partner) and what you do about it depends on the situation. If it was my ex-boyfriend some woman was saying this to, I'd be completely uncomfortable with it. If it was my current husband however, I'd wish her luck because I know she wouldn't get anywhere with him. Now with that said, in any situation if any woman was relentless and flat-out disrespectful to my marriage that way, I would want to shut it down for good.

 

Some formerly-intimate partners can become platonic friends. She isn't one of them. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable. You don't want to be one of "those" crazy jealous women but you also don't want to be miserable like this and uncomfortable because of something someone ELSE is doing. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If people want to slap a label on you, let them. There are more important things. Simply put, you cannot internalize this forever. You are allowed to have feelings. Communicate. Have a heart-to-heart. Hope it goes well.

[katrina1980]

Agree w blue, you're not 'there' yet, which is ok.

 

My bf and I have worked thru some tough times, some of which have been posted on this forum.

 

We almost broke up a couple of times!

 

But we talked the issues out and ultimately resolved, which has brought us closer and deepened our connection, intimacy and trust.

 

Where we stand now?

 

We trust that each of us will behave with honesty and integrity and in a manner respectful to our relationship and each other.

 

Which is why I personally would be able to let the bday message go.

 

I trust him, which is also why I don't go snooping.

 

Your husband has ignored her messages, which may be the most powerful message you can send someone -- it means go away.

 

More so than even telling her imo. Responding back only keeps the drama going, and lets her know it's an issue.

 

Which is precisely what she wants! So best to ignore altogether, again jmo. Sends a bigger message, indifference to it.

 

If you want you can bring up why he sent her a bday message in a non-accusatory, respectful way.

 

I would not, but my bf and I are at a different emotional place than you and your husband.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide!

 

And keep us updated!

[Batya33]

I would not be ok with him responding other than "please do not contact me again." Or ignoring. By wishing her happy birthday he implicitly validated what she wrote which was obnoxious.

[katrina1980]

My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today.

 

You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday.

 

His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.

 

Agree Bat, he could have ignored it^ as he had the others, but his response was quite cold and indifferent nonetheless; if I had poured my heart out like that to a man and received that response back, I would be like "ouch ok, message received, thanks for the bday greeting bye."

 

I would not have sent that message back but that's how I would have interpreted it.

 

I think his message was quite clear, indifference to her confession of feelings, go away, without resorting to asking her to stop contacting, which he has no control over anyway; he can only control himself and how he chooses to respond, or not respond, as he had been doing.

 

But sure agree he could have ignored and given his wife's reaction, in retrospect probably wished he had, as he had done with her other messages.

 

In any event, all these different perspectives and interpretations are so interesting!

 

I suppose in the end we all do what's best for us and what we believe is best for our relationships.

[Batya33]

Agree Bat, he could have ignored it^ as he had the others, but his response was quite cold and indifferent nonetheless; if I had poured my heart out like that to a man and received that response back, I would be like "ouch ok, message received, thanks for the bday greeting bye."

 

I would not have sent that message back but that's how I would have interpreted it.

 

I think his message was quite clear, go away, without resorting to asking her to stop contacting, which he has no control over anyway; he can only control himself and how he chooses to respond, or not respond, as he had been doing.

 

But sure agree he could have ignored and given his wife's reaction, in retrospect probably wished he had, as he had done with her other messages.

 

In any event, all these different perspectives and interpretations are so interesting!

 

I suppose in the end we all do what's best for us and what we believe is best for our relationships.

 

I totally see your point and in this situation since she is so over the top she'd probably see it in a positive light. What a vacuous piece of lint.

[katrina1980]

 

What a vacuous piece of lint.

 

Lol, agree!

 

My bf is a professional photographer, you would not believe the crap some of his female models have pullled when they see us together which has happened on occasion.

 

He handles it like the pro he is without offending, which is actually funny to watch.

 

I've become immune to it all now. :)

[bluecastle]

As far as I understand things, the "it's by bday/sorry you're getting married/you're the one that got away" message occurred a year or so ago, when they got married.

 

This year, on their anniversary, I'm under the impression that he sent her the message wishing her a happy birthday. That he took some initiative, in short.

 

If that's the case—well, I'd be bothered in OP's shoes. Not freaking out, but bothered, since he threw a little bone toward someone who he's aware has a tendency to bite back in ways that aren't genuinely friendly or respectful to his current situation. He kind of kept the door ajar for energy that really doesn't serve much good inside his marriage.

 

I'm not sounding major alarm bells here—hardly, as I think he's probably just being a little clumsy in balancing his new marriage with an old connection—but this is where I do agree with the sort of boundaries someone like Rose is writing about. It's also the stuff that should be pretty easy to talk about inside a marriage, rather than let fester.

[katrina1980]

Blue's post, I'm confused about the timing and sequence of events now, OP can you return and clarify please?

 

Anyway, to blue you would not have even known about the message since you don't snoop, right?

 

The snooping issue seems to have fallen by the wayside, which to me is the main issue -- she does not trust him.

 

And I think that needs to be addressed in a healthy way and resolved otherwise, your distrust and insecurities will poison your marriage, possibly destroying it.

 

This bday msg is but a symptom of the much larger disease -- lack of faith and trust in your husband.

 

Jmo

[greendots]

She can't come between you if you're 'not worried about your husband'.

 

This!

 

You are placing far too much energy in someone (her) who isn't worth it. By focusing on her shenanigans, you are making her more important than she actually is. In the big scheme of things - you and your husband matter, your marriage matters. She doesn't. At best, she's one of those many acquaintances that you are connected with on social media. As long as your husband isn't pursuing her, she shouldn't even be conversation material.