Facebook Messages

[bluecastle]

Anyway, to blue you would not have even known about the message since you don't snoop, right?

 

Totally.

 

I've beat the anti-snooping drum loud and hard in this thread, as I do in every thread where it comes up. I am about the calmest person you'll ever meet, and a very understanding one, open to resolving all sorts of conflict. But in a relationship snooping would be an automatic breakup; in a marriage—well, I hope if I get married it's because I've built a level of trust with someone where snooping would never occur. And if it did? I'd be demanding marriage counseling, stat, because it's a sign that the single most important bonding point—trust—is dangerously weakened.

 

Trust for another comes from two places: trust and confidence in yourself, and trust and confidence that you build with, and alongside, someone else. Both will take hits along the way, and it's up to us to treat those licks productively. Snooping is the opposite of that, always, because it's a workaround from the real work. It's treating an issue in trust through a violation of trust, soothing insecurity through a gesture of insecurity. Doesn't do anyone any favors.

 

None of that is an attack on you, OP. What's happened has happened, you're human, we're all works in progress. It's just to echo what Katrina said, that, yes, this is a moment for both of you to take some steps toward building trust, and shoring up the special sanctum of your marriage so it's a place where the building of trust can be fostered.

 

My gut tells me you are on the same page: two people who love each other, and want a healthy marriage to each other. Excellent. So just think of this as a moment to lean into that love and adventure from a new angle, one where your own spirit doesn't have to feel suppressed to the point where it gets bent into an inauthentic shape that leads to inauthentic impulses.

[katrina1980]

To echo what blue just posted w/r/t snooping, the following was posted earlier by another very well respected poster on a different thread, which sums it up well, imo.

 

>>I don't care if my own wife asked for my phone to go through my messages. She'd be told no and that it's either time for marital counseling or a divorce.

 

If we weren't married, she'd be dumped on the spot. I don't put up with distrust or invasions of privacy.

[Camber 2019]

To echo what blue just posted w/r/t snooping, the following was posted by another very well-respected poster on a different thread, which sums it up well, imo.

 

>>I don't care if my own wife asked for my phone to go through my messages. She'd be told no and that it's either time for marital counseling or a divorce.

 

If we weren't married, she'd be dumped on the spot. I don't put up with distrust or invasions of privacy.

 

Ah yes, saw that... liked that!

[katrina1980]

OP, just wanted to add that if, during your snooping, you discovered concrete evidence of impropriety (flirting, emotional cheating) my responses would be much much different.

 

If that were the case, since you're married, I would wholeheartedly agree w Rose, a discussion re lack of boundaries and trust is warranted. Marital counseling, absolutely!

 

What I am struggling w here is that it was a bday greeting sent to a long time friend from high school.

 

Ok, she sent an inapprpriate message a year ago expressing feelings, he was the one who got away, etc but the point is he did not engage her or encourage it.

 

His response back reflected indifference to it, which was the correct response imo.

 

Now a year later, he sends a short bday greeting, nothing inappropriate at all, that you discovered while snoopimg.

 

To which your issue is that he sent it privately versus on the FB wall.

 

Now I suppose you can read into that whatever you want, confront him, hit him w a discussion re proper boundaries, etc etc when at the end of the day, to me, this speaks more to your own lack of trust and insecurities than anything he has done.

 

It was one short bday greeting to an old friend.

 

Ok nuff said from me, Good luck.

[ThatwasThen]

My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today. You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday. His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.

How utterly pathetic!

 

He should have stopped corresponding with her after that simply because it would help her to move on and the shock of being blocked would hopefully help her to understand and honor boundaries.

[tattoobunnie]

One does go from pouring your heart out one year till sending a private birthday message a year later. I hope everyone knows you can delete individual message in Messenger, right?????? My husband left plenty of innocuous messages in his, and deleted the months of naughty ones.

 

The same harlotte broke up his 1st marriage, and still didn't block her.

 

I remember this one girl my husband had been pen pal friends for years, and at times, had sexual conversations with eachother. She also regularly cheats on her husband. She and her husband were supposed to come to our wedding. Didn't even bother to say she was bailing till I texted her the day of to see if she was okay because I knew she was traveling to come. And didn't send a gift either - but whatever. The next day of our wedding, I come to find out later, she sent my husband a naked photo of her. He deleted it along with all their old emails. I only noticed it much later on looking through my crazy MIL's emails. I blocked her myself, and never said I did to him.

 

I just find that if someone is rude enough to say "you're the one that got away" on their wedding day to someone else. Eek. She's not a good element in your relationship regardless if they've never really dated. She tempts. He enables.

 

Don't ever ever ever think not showing your crazy to your husband is good thing. Sometimes you need to lay down the law. Stop swallowing the poison on things he's doing that make you uncomfortable.

[Nickel Speed]

Don't ever ever ever think not showing your crazy to your husband is good thing. Sometimes you need to lay down the law. Stop swallowing the poison on things he's doing that make you uncomfortable.

 

That's not how a healthy relationship works. It works with open discussion of issues. Acting crazy only fuels the fire. Either discuss it honestly, or leave the situation. No games, no BS, no crazy.

[tattoobunnie]

Marriage isn't like it is on TV, where just having honest chats wins the day everyday. The OP is husband's behavior Is indicative of a repeat offender. While he said that he never responded while he was married to his 1st wife, I don't buy it for 1 second. That woman perpetually reached out him as he says, but why would a woman do so if she is not getting anything back.

 

Marriage is also a lot more complex than just dating. There are kids, assets, Legal matters. A lot more to fight for, and she should never put herself in the position where she gets to become the doormat.

 

If they aren't really friends, and she makes top on comferable, I don't see why the husband when just offer to block her.

[Nickel Speed]

If an open honest discussion does not change the way you are treated it is time to leave. No amount of you acting CRAZY and laying down the law is going to change a person, only make them better at hiding it. They will see you as crazy. They will keep secrets because they are afraid of evoking the crazy. They will harbor resentment. Etc. Etc.

 

They need to understand what they are doing, how you feel, and how their actions affect the relationship. They also get to give feedback on their problems.

This is only achieved through open honest discussion with both parties. You think having a "real talk" is just the thing of a TV sitcom?

 

Want to know what you get with crazy? A temporary band-aid where you think everything is OK, but the issues were not solved...only covered up. If this is how you treat relationships, I assure you they are a ticking time bomb or at the very least a toxic never-ending dynamic.

[LC8328]

If an open honest discussion does not change the way you are treated it is time to leave. No amount of you acting CRAZY and laying down the law is going to change a person, only make them better at hiding it. They will see you as crazy. They will keep secrets because they are afraid of evoking the crazy. They will harbor resentment. Etc. Etc.

 

They need to understand what they are doing, how you feel, and how their actions affect the relationship. They also get to give feedback on their problems.

This is only achieved through open honest discussion with both parties. You think having a "real talk" is just the thing of a TV sitcom?

 

Want to know what you get with crazy? A temporary band-aid where you think everything is OK, but the issues were not solved...only covered up. If this is how you treat relationships, I assure you they are a ticking time bomb or at the very least a toxic never-ending dynamic.

 

I totally agree with this because I was once that crazy wife. I "laid down the law" nearly every day. Did it save our marriage? Well, he's my ex-husband now. You do the math.

 

Me "acting crazy" just made Young Me think it was ok to keep pulling these stunts. I did it over and over again until he decided he'd had enough BS and left me.

 

It is never a bad idea to be open and honest with your life partner. If that doesn't work, then there are be other factors that need to be addressed.

[redswim30]

If an open honest discussion does not change the way you are treated it is time to leave. No amount of you acting CRAZY and laying down the law is going to change a person, only make them better at hiding it. They will see you as crazy. They will keep secrets because they are afraid of evoking the crazy. They will harbor resentment. Etc. Etc.

 

They need to understand what they are doing, how you feel, and how their actions affect the relationship. They also get to give feedback on their problems.

This is only achieved through open honest discussion with both parties. You think having a "real talk" is just the thing of a TV sitcom?

 

Want to know what you get with crazy? A temporary band-aid where you think everything is OK, but the issues were not solved...only covered up. If this is how you treat relationships, I assure you they are a ticking time bomb or at the very least a toxic never-ending dynamic.

 

^^^100% agree!!!!

[figureitout23]

I'm not sure what the problem is recognizing that this situation is wrong on many levels. When two people are married it suggests a commitment of some sort that should go beyond the bond of other relationships. I feel the need to explicitly describe that bond and the meaning of marriage and commitment here because I'm not sure if we're giving it the time of day.

 

Second, as Andrina pointed out, this same female friend has been a recurring theme throughout his previous marriage as well but yet her advances or solicitations were unwanted and ignored. If he expressed distaste or reluctance in communicating with her prior, why is he communicating with her now? This is a major inconsistency in his behaviour and a red flag. (see OP's post #6, page 1).

 

I really couldn't care less whether a couple is married or living together or long distance when it comes down to the bare bones. When there is any third party relationship of the opposite sex there should be questions and answers enough to satisfy both sides. The OP is NOT satisfied by any of the answers her husband gives her and she's had to find out about the messages on her own while dealing with her own shock that it's going on right under her nose. More specifically in the OP's first post, the woman even told him he was the "one that got away"! This is reminiscent of an old crush that is completely inappropriate considering he's not only been married once and she's been a problem in the FIRST marriage, but she's now a problem a second time in the SECOND marriage.

 

I think it's up to her husband to draw better boundaries and it's up to the OP to call a spade a spade and not be afraid of addressing issues of trust in the marriage. It may be that he's feeling unfulfilled in the marriage entirely and the OP and her husband might benefit from marriage or couples' counselling. None of the above is healthy and to me, there are a lot of red flags and signs that the marriage is on rocky ground.

 

My distinction (from experience and from observing how people behave over time) is that this is not a usual friendship and therefore cannot be likened to a male friend. That's where there's a complete difference in the way we approach this issue, Katrina. I'm strongly liberal in many of my views especially when it comes to rights and liberties in a relationship and an individual's self-expression. I totally believe in full autonomy even as a married individual. Where I draw the line is when others are affected by the indiscretions and bad choices by the people closest to them and trust becomes an issue because that trust is betrayed. I definitely would not be messaging a married man that he was the one that got away in private. And neither would a straight male friend be messaging the OP's husband that he was the one that got away.

 

Judging from his inconsistent behaviour and the way he has inconsistently treated this particular "friend" (comparing his relationship with her in his first marriage and his second marriage), he's already suspect and I mentioned twice that this is a red flag. Andrina also mentioned it. This would be the third time I'm repeating myself but I see that some don't see the same red flags that I do. You're welcome to your opinions of course but I'm more of the mind that this way of thinking is far too naive. I don't think it's about liberal versus conservative. It's about seeing the writing blazing on the wall. Even so, I definitely respect your thoughts because it gives food for thought and I'm happy to explore the issue.

 

I'm also aware that our own perceptions of what's acceptable within or without a marriage depends on the way a person conducts his or her own life. When I think about my husband I would never betray his trust maintaining a friendship with a male highschool friend, messaging private messages regardless of whose birthday it is knowing that this same friendship caused issues in my previous marriage, and most appalling of all, telling that friend he was the one that got away. This would be absurd and completely inappropriate.

 

In general I don't think friends of the opposite sex are immoral or wrong. It's the context in this case that makes it so unbelievably wrong.

 

I don't think you're crazy. If I were in his shoes, I would stop talking to this woman the minute she told me that I was the one who got away. That's a lot of meaningless flattery. Why say something like that unless you're trying to ingratiate yourself to another person? And why say something like that when you know the recipient is in a committed relationship with someone else?

 

Also, I'm not interested to hear that your birthday is on my anniversary because my anniversary is not about you. It's about me, my partner, and our relationship.

 

It seems pretty obvious to me where she was going with all of that, and I wouldn't entertain it. just can't stand manipulative people. But that's just me.

 

You're his wife. Start acting like it. I think you're too afraid and debilitated by your fears of how you appear to other people and instead of getting things done and being assertive or speaking your mind as you ought to do, you're making excuses for your own poor behaviour. You SHOULD be speaking with him directly about what bothers you.

 

Man. I can’t believe I missed this nugget, I agree with the quotes but especially the last part. Snooping is wrong we all know that, but let’s call a spade a spade you are so busy trying to play the cool calm I have no anxiety in relationships because I’m hyper secure game and the only person who gets hurt by all that is you.

 

She isn’t the problem.

 

He is.

 

He values keeping her as an option and ego boost over having a strong marriage with you.

 

The fact that he even told you? RED FLAG CITY!!!Who talks about an ex that’s is a non issue to this level? Him telling you that was SO not about honesty it was to put you on notice, he wanted you to know, he’s getting something out of this, no question.

 

Who tells their spouse a woman interfered with their marriage? Talk about drama!!! I mean yeah we all talk about exes but to this level? Noooooo red flags!!!

 

I’m sorry OPer, all of this is not good in my opinion at all. But I only got to page 4 I’ll edit if I need after reading the rest

[figureitout23]

Ok read the rest.

 

She told your husband to think of her on your anniversary since it’s her birthday and he did, not only did he but he messaged her. not on her page but privately. Like.... come on...