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Attracted to another man....


QueenofParts

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I love my husband dearly, and he really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's made me a better person.

 

I recently changed jobs, and had a male instructor teaching me the ropes. All was fine, until he and I witnessed a suicide attempt.. (a guy jumped off a bridge in front of us, fell 80 ft). My instructor was in a really bad place, totally crushed, so I just sat with him on the pavement where he had crumpled, and I put my arm around him. In that moment, we seemed to be linked.

 

I'm married, and this man has a partner and a child.

 

But he has been texting me late at night, and I must admit to having feelings for him. His texts make my day, and I can't get him out of my brain.

 

I had a row with my husband over something silly, and I told the other man that I liked him in a stupid moment. He's never said that he has feelings for me, but why would he be texting me at 23:00 at night?! He's invited me to an event today (Sunday) and I don't know if anything will happen.

 

I just hate the fact that I have feelings for someone else, when I have a fabulous husband.... I'm a terrible person...

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Well, you know you're cheating, it's just a matter of what you decide to do about that. Keep in mind "He's never said that he has feelings for me". Fix your marriage problems and get counseling for witnessing a traumatic event. Make an appt with a therapist to sort through all this.

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Crushes can happen while married. Acting on them is a choice though. Fanning the flames is a choice. If you really value your marriage you need to draw boundaries. You need to ask this man to stop texting you if it's not something work-related. Texting you at inappropriate hours should also be a no go and you need to ask him to stop. Infidelity doesn't just "happen" as cheaters like to say. It's a series of choices. You are choosing to cheat on your husband and also hurt another family. That child is innocent.

 

You can stop all the malarkey by asking him not to text you at inappropriate hours and by declining non work-related invitations. Turning things professional is simple and straightforward. It's a choice. Focusing on your husband and on resolving/fixing whatever is wrong/lacking within your marriage is also a choice.

 

You are making informed choices all the way. You can choose to stop all this contact outside work and end this inappropriate "friendship" that is destroying your marriage.

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He is texting you late at night because you are the only one that also witnessed the suicide attempt and therefore the only person he thinks understands.

 

If it’s that traumatic to him he should seek counselling.

 

Does your husband know who you are going to this event with?

And what do you mean by you don’t know if anything will happen.

If you appreciate your husband and marriage as you say you do , then of course nothing will happen.

 

And if you really feel bad for having feelings towards another man , you would nip it in the bud and not go to this event.

It’s up to you to whether you decide to cheat on your husband or not. You already are cheating emotionally.

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People who have let the emotional connection slide with a spouse are prone to emotional affairs. Let the instructor know you've crossed boundaries with him and it's a wake up call that you won't let happen again. If there is no reason to interact by phone at work, tell him to delete your number, and you can block his. If he has to have your number for work, tell him to stick to business calls only, as you and your husband have rules about not forming new friendships with people of the opposite sex.

 

And then you need to pour all of that emotional energy into your husband. There are many things you can do to spice up the marriage. Take tango lessons together. Go to a couples stores and pick out new stuff for bedroom activities. Write him a note about everything you appreciate about him. Text him and tell him you can't wait until he gets home from work because you have a surprise for him, and then plan for something different and fun for the evening for a sexy date night.

 

P.S. Open your eyes that the instructor is no prize, texting another woman outside of work and inviting her to a social event when he's already taken. If you two left your partners, when he feels the newness wear off with you, he'll be texting another new prospect in the wee hours.

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If you have a fabulous husband leave the other guy alone. I think that's pretty simple.

 

You're in the early stages of cheating. You can still turn the situation around and save your marriage before you completely destroy it.

 

You cant help who you're attracted to. Thats just life. But you CAN keep yourself accountable for your actions and not disrespect your marriage.

 

Are you unhappy? If that's the case, maybe there are bigger issues here.

 

Also imagine this: Imagine if the tables were turned and your husband was in the early stages of entertaining another woman, KNOWING its wrong...what would you want him to do?

 

Honestly If you're lucky enough to find a good man and your happy, I don't see why you'd jeopardize all of that for some stupid affair. That's honestly stupid... why mess over a good man?

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You aren’t a bad person but you’re in a very dangerous situation. Have you considered telling your husband? When I was going through a really rough time in my marriage I spoke with my pastor and I saw Christian counselor. Both offered good, sound advice and both believe in the sanctity of marriage like I do. Do you have anyone like that in your life that you can talk to? Your family is so worth it! I’m glad you reached out! Big hug!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Let me start by saying that I hate myself for feeling this way, or even needing to ask about this... I've never been in this situation before.

 

I've been very happily married for two years, together for seven years. My husband is a wonderful man, not without his faults, but has made my life brilliant with his love, support and kindness.

 

I've recently dramatically changed careers, and needed to do some intensive training as part of the new job, get some new qualifications, which the company pay for. As a group, you get an instructor, and s/he takes you through the training. So far so good.

 

My instructor had my mobile number, as he needed to contact us all about start times etc. but as we (as a group) got on so well, we would often exchange stupid photos or jokes within the group message. Still all fine.

 

One day towards the end of my training, my instructor and I witnessed someone try to commit suicide, by jumping off a bridge. We were both gutted, and I just sat with my arm around him for some time, not speaking. The experience bonded us, in my mind.

 

We started texting privately, as no one else really knew what it felt like. Now, several weeks later, we are still texting daily. On the few occasions I've seen him since I fully qualified, he's made an innocent comment about how "smart" I look in my work clothes, and given me silly, insignificant gifts with the work branding on (I love branded nonsense!) He also very gently engineered an occasion to work together; I think knowing that I would offer to help on a non-work day.

 

None of the texts are anything other than friendly in nature, and he has a partner and a child. When we work together, it is completely professional. If I'm having a bad day learning my new job, he will listen to me be worried or complaining, and offer advice. And yes, because of this, I developed a crush on him, and there was a point where I thought about him a lot. On one evening, after a row with my husband, my instructor texted me when I was feeling totally fed up, and I told him that I had caught feelings for him, but that I hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship, which it hasn't.

 

At the moment, things are a bit weird between my husband and I, whilst he adjusts from finishing a long self employed job, and to me going out at random hours in the morning, or finishing late at night. We can't sleep in the same room, as it doesn't seem fair to be waking him up at 4am when I have to get up some days. And it's like walking on eggshells; I never know how or when I will piss him off and make him annoyed with me. It's only a passing phase, and I know I have to support him through the rough days of not having any work booked.

 

The one lovely constant is knowing that at some point in the evening, every evening, I will get a friendly text, and it will be supportive and kind.... It won't be romantic, or particularly personal... but someone is thinking of me kindly, and with warmth; that is a nice feeling to have...

 

So, my questions -

 

Is the guy interested in me as more than friends?

 

If not, is it normal for a guy with a partner to text a married woman, multiple times, every evening?

 

Finally, the biggie.... what should I do???

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No, my marriage is important to me, and so is my coworker's partnership with his missus and kid (I don't have children).

 

I'm just more intrigued as to whether this guy actually does like me, or if I'm reading it wrong.

 

I like him a lot, and he's an absolutely top bloke. I'm so far out of the game, that I have no idea when someone is flirting with me, and when someone is just being nice. I think that's why I caught some feelings for him, as him being a nice bloke made me feel better at a time when life wasn't easy.

 

He's never indicated any romantic intention towards me. He's just very confusing.

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Let me start by saying that I hate myself for feeling this way, or even needing to ask about this... I've never been in this situation before.

 

I've been very happily married for two years, together for seven years. My husband is a wonderful man, not without his faults, but has made my life brilliant with his love, support and kindness.

 

I've recently dramatically changed careers, and needed to do some intensive training as part of the new job, get some new qualifications, which the company pay for. As a group, you get an instructor, and s/he takes you through the training. So far so good.

 

My instructor had my mobile number, as he needed to contact us all about start times etc. but as we (as a group) got on so well, we would often exchange stupid photos or jokes within the group message. Still all fine.

 

One day towards the end of my training, my instructor and I witnessed someone try to commit suicide, by jumping off a bridge. We were both gutted, and I just sat with my arm around him for some time, not speaking. The experience bonded us, in my mind.

 

We started texting privately, as no one else really knew what it felt like. Now, several weeks later, we are still texting daily. On the few occasions I've seen him since I fully qualified, he's made an innocent comment about how "smart" I look in my work clothes, and given me silly, insignificant gifts with the work branding on (I love branded nonsense!) He also very gently engineered an occasion to work together; I think knowing that I would offer to help on a non-work day.

 

None of the texts are anything other than friendly in nature, and he has a partner and a child. When we work together, it is completely professional. If I'm having a bad day learning my new job, he will listen to me be worried or complaining, and offer advice. And yes, because of this, I developed a crush on him, and there was a point where I thought about him a lot. On one evening, after a row with my husband, my instructor texted me when I was feeling totally fed up, and I told him that I had caught feelings for him, but that I hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship, which it hasn't.

 

At the moment, things are a bit weird between my husband and I, whilst he adjusts from finishing a long self employed job, and to me going out at random hours in the morning, or finishing late at night. We can't sleep in the same room, as it doesn't seem fair to be waking him up at 4am when I have to get up some days. And it's like walking on eggshells; I never know how or when I will piss him off and make him annoyed with me. It's only a passing phase, and I know I have to support him through the rough days of not having any work booked.

 

The one lovely constant is knowing that at some point in the evening, every evening, I will get a friendly text, and it will be supportive and kind.... It won't be romantic, or particularly personal... but someone is thinking of me kindly, and with warmth; that is a nice feeling to have...

 

So, my questions -

 

Is the guy interested in me as more than friends?

 

If not, is it normal for a guy with a partner to text a married woman, multiple times, every evening?

 

Finally, the biggie.... what should I do???

Pretty sure you took an oath of til death do us part during your wedding ceremony? Or we're u just kidding?

 

Ive been doing some thinking lately about how marriage has become a failed institution. As far as I can tell back in the day there was no getting out without some sort of extreme circumstances which definitely forced some people to get Thier together or face a lifetime of hell. Today it's a business, pay to get in, pay to get out. seems like integrity and the significance if those words are a thing of the past.

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I told him that I had caught feelings for him, but that I hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship, which it hasn't.

 

 

What did he respond to this?

 

In my opinion by revealing this, you have already crossed the line, yes he is a crush, but you told him about your feelings, that means that you acted on those feelings, thus cheating on your husband emotionally. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, it destroys that person's self esteem.

 

You need to make a decision soon as this could get ugly for a lot of people and there are also children involved.

 

Work crushes happen all the time, it makes all the difference in the world how you act on them.

 

STOP TEXTING NOW

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You have already asked the same question. Apparently, you didn't like the advice you got...You are married and he has a family including a young child. What part of feeding this crush is a BAD idea don't you get? Yet, you are set on going down a path that could ruin a bunch of people's lives instead of addressing the problems in your marriage.

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So, you posted about this once before but, it seems, didn't take any advice.

 

I'm not saying that to scold you, but just understand: If you want to come here to find a way of rationalizing what you know is not healthy, confessing here, continuing to indulge out in the real word—well, that's your choice. But you may find people on here become less generous.

 

Everything you're dealing with here, as it currently stands, is hardly the worst of transgressions in a marriage. But you're kind of standing at a crossroads right now where you can either make some above board choices that put you, your husband, and your marriage first, or some choices that don't.

 

To answer your questions: This guy's intentions no longer matter, because you know what yours are and they're not friendly. You've even admitted as much to him, which, to be blunt, was you making a choice to fan the flames of a developing emotional affair rather than let them die out. Yes, that is me scolding you a bit.

 

So, own that, because that's what you're doing. This is not all "just happening" because he's texting you. It's happening because you're allowing it, and escalating it yourself.

 

The suicide moment was real, understandably traumatic, and I can understand how a bond can form there. But if you're not also talking to your husband about that, and perhaps a therapist, than you're now using that bond as an excuse to dip your toes into inexcusable behavior.

 

So, to your final question of what should you do: well, dial this all way, way back. Engage with yourself and your husband, not this guy.

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He's never indicated any romantic intention towards me. He's just very confusing.

 

 

Is he? No offense intended, but you seem to be the confused and confusing one in this situation. It's totally normal to get occasional crushes on other people when you are married. You aren't DEAD, after all. Even the best marriages this can happen, because we are human. It's whether or not you ACT on it that matters. Whether or not he likes you, you even say he's never indicated romantic intention and yet you have by telling him specifically that you have a crush on him. So who is confusing whom here?

 

You say you love your husband, but you also seem very concerned/interested in whether or not this co-worker has secret romantic feelings for you.

 

I don't think anything has been done to ruin anything yet. But you already know what you need to do- Go back to limiting your contact with this co-worker. That's the thing about marriage, it has its up and downs. There are times where you won't "like" your spouse or feel " in love"- sometimes spouses can do things that are downright frustrating. It is in those times where our faithfulness can be tested. " For better or for worse". It's important to remember that your co-worker is being kind now, but you better believe that he too has a negative side, a cranky side, a frustrating side. You just don't know it, because you don't live with it.

 

You are teetering on the brink of an emotional affair. Stop now before it spirals out of control. If you need something to pump up your self -worth while your husband is being cranky, you need to think of something that doesn't involve another man.

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