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Thread: Should I apologize?

  1. #1
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    Should I apologize?

    I have been seeing this guy. He is an alcoholic, he doesn't deny it. I am 100% sober. I swear 80% of our almost 3 month relationship has been us arguing because he thinks he doesn't need professional help.
    Longest story short... I have been going through other stuff the past week or so so I kept saying I can't deal with you, all this other crap is going on. Still, he asked for my help cleaning his dump of a house because he tells me his landlord is coming over in a few days. About a month ago I cleaned his livingroom... Took out 30 bags of pure garbage. I made the deal with him if he cleaned the bathroom and kitchen I'd help him with his bedroom. But I get there to help him and in a month he has done nothing and the living room was piling back up with garbage. I was furious. I start trying to make a path to the kitchen because I had brought some groceries. I thought him knowing I said I would bring groceries for dinner start cleaning the kitchen might mean to clean something. It obviously didn't. I started cleaning the stove and got to the point where I could actually cook. So I started asking, where is a pan, can you tell me where a pan is... No answers. I finally say screw it and start packing the food away and say I'm going home. He starts telling me not to leave and blah blah excuses. I go out to the couch where I thought I left my phone. It wasn't there... I'm looking and looking. Can't find it. I go back to packing up my other things and I'm yelling at him the whole time to help me find it because I want to leave. He does nothing. I'm outside trying to breathe. I go back in and keep looking... It's been almost an hour by then. I'm beside him and he bends over to the floor for a beer can and I see my phone in his hoodie pouch. I grab it. I stop on the porch to call the fire department about the house. Because theres no way he could clean it in two days and something needs to happen. Condemn the place! He comes out and grabs my phone from my hand and refuses to give it back. I warn him, you know for the past two days I've wanted to kill my cousin, I will just kill you instead if you don't give me my phone. He says no. So I put my hands around his neck for less than five seconds because he jumped from the chair and I fell off him. Anyway, he still has my phone at that point. Eventually after his mom, whom I never met comes over and talks to me I get my phone back and leave. He comes after me as I'm walking down the street and tries to get me to come back because he says his mom wants to give me a ride. I refuse and keep walking to the bus. The next day he is texting me saying he can't breathe and his neck hurts and hes going to have me arrested. I decide that since I haven't been in a couple years, I should go to anger management. I go and he is still texting me about why would you do this to me and he's dying... I tell him unlike him I know when I need professional help and where to find it. I went to anger management so please leave me alone. I went again today. He is still texting me why did I do this and that and I guess "because you pushed me too far" isn't a good enough reply. But now that its been a couple days I still don't want anything to do with him, but, should I apologize? He hasn't apologized for hiding and taking my phone.
    Any advice is appreciated.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Wow. All of this madness in only 3 MONTHS? There are no words for this other than you two are toxic and dysfunctional together. An extremely bad match and the sooner you two part ways, the better. You both need help for your individual issues. Right now apologies doesn't matter anymore. Apologise if you feel you want to, but it is best you end this toxic relationship and head for the hills never to look back.

  3. #3
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Why are you seeing someone that is as messed up as he is? I get that you want to be nice and help him but you can't help him if he doesn't want help. And clearly he doesn't. Not only does he drink, he sounds like he has a hoarding problem as well.

    It's good that you are seeing a therapist and going to anger management... yes you do need to apologize for being abusive, physically and emotionally, and then you need to step back and focus on fixing yourself. You mention being sober, are you a recovering person? If so, you know there are tools available to you through those channels to deal with your behaviors and feelings around this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Do nothing. Change your phone number and never talk to this guy again. Stay in anger management, and get yourself into counseling before you end up in jail.

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  6. #5
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    No. I'm sober as in I've always been sober. I don't drink or do drugs.
    I've always been in and out of counseling though for having messed up childhood trauma. That's why when he was bugging me before I went over there I was trying not to go over there, because I knew it would be too much with some other stuff I have been going through recently. But I went anyways. And then after I got home and calmed down I knew I could and did go to the anger management groups. One of the things that was said was if you are truly sorry and know you were acting irrational you should apologize. But I don't know because yes, that is a good thing to do but I don't want him thinking I am available.

  7. #6
    Member JavBa's Avatar
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    Put yourself first
    Admitting anything would send a conciliatory signal.
    Love yourself first
    Move on

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    This guy needs professional help, which is something you're not equipped to provide. You can't change him, nor can you fix him. You're only concern should be (imo) is to address your own issues, and choose your own path in life.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter katrina1980's Avatar
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    First off, good for you for seeking anger management! Not an easy thing to admit (to yourself let alone anyone else) and seek help for.

    Secondly, if you want to apologize (which, given what you posted about his behavior, I don't think is necessary), do it in a text. Short and to the point, then block and delete.

    You're not (or should not be) apologizing hoping for a response, or for him to 'forgive' you, you're apologizing for yourself, to free up your conscience so you can focus on managing your anger and generally becoming a better and wiser human being who, going forward, will hopefully make better choices for herself.

    Wish you the best on this new path and journey!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 09-12-2018 at 07:52 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Alcoholics make the absolute worst partners. He has major issues and so do you. You should delete and block him from your phone, keep on with your anger management help, and move on with your life. He sounds like a major drama queen on top of it all. You two are toxic to yourselves and each other. At least you see you have a problem, now do what it takes to get past it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I would advise you not to have any contact with him. Completely leave him alone.

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