Should I apologize?

[AubreyN]

I do or I wouldn't have gone to 3 anger management meetings in a week. The whole reason I started this thread was to get advice on the situation even further after hearing "If you see yourself at fault and are truly sorry for your actions, you should apologize" at the second meeting. I was unsure if I was in a situation where I could apologize or not because I am sorry but at the same time I didn't want him thinking me trying to apologize equals start talking to me again. Do you really think I don't understand if I'm not only reaching out to professionals but also online people for help and advice?

[AubreyN]

I don't think she does. She also thinks all men are damaged.

 

I do not think all men are damaged. I know a lot of good men. They are all really old, married or friend zoned me.

[MissCanuck]

He could still have you charged, OP. I doubt he'll actually do it, but he could.

 

The only way he could think apologizing means it's okay to start talking again is if you allow that to happen. I think it's better to just cut this off completely, because you don't currently have the boundaries and emotional fortitude to not fall right back in to this cycle.

 

Stay away from him forever. Work on you. Don't even think about dating right now, until you pull yourself together. You'll keep seeking out the same toxic dysfunction otherwise.

[catfeeder]

I was unsure if I was in a situation where I could apologize or not because I am sorry but at the same time I didn't want him thinking me trying to apologize equals start talking to me again. Do you really think I don't understand if I'm not only reaching out to professionals but also online people for help and advice?

 

Do you understand that the answer is 'NO' and that involving yourself with him in the first place was the larger mistake that would have prevented any others after that?

[itsallgrand]

You have to use a little common sense.

 

If someone told you they should kill you and had their hands around your neck, would an apology matter?! Or would you not just want to be left alone?! Does your need to apologize override what's best for the other person?!

 

I think you are still blaming him for your abuse.Not acceptable. Very classic abuser thinking " if you just didn't do this, I wouldn't need to choke you".

 

He's sick, he's vulnerable, and you took out your anger on him. Easy target. Healthy men wouldn't put up with your poop.

[Wiseman2]

I disagree with this. In this particular case it's better to stay no contact and let sleeping dogs lie. Just block and delete him. He won't press charges because it shines the light on his actions as well and he's a drunken hoarder facing eviction. People make threats in heated confrontations. Drop the whole ordeal and focus on what you need to focus on.

hearing "If you see yourself at fault and are truly sorry for your actions, you should apologize" at the second meeting.

[Annia]

Just out of curiosity, have you hit him or someone else in the past? And did you really want to kill your cousin?

[AubreyN]

Just out of curiosity, have you hit him or someone else in the past? And did you really want to kill your cousin?

 

I never hit him before this.

 

Back when I was a teenager my directly younger brother would hit me all the time. We would get in knock down drag out fights. He once broke a metal broom stick over my head because I was watching a baseball game 'too loud' because he was listening to rap music outside and how dare the TV be heard over his music. He once threw me into a glass door and chipped my front tooth.

 

Many other things over years of time. But I would always fight back because my mom, instead of calling the cops would go and hide and ignore the whole thing and I wasn't going to let him just kill me.

 

Over the past 12 days prior to this incident at this guys house things had been piling up. I would try and vent to this guy and tell him sorry, I can't help you unless you're serious about getting sober because so much crap is going on. I can't be around you. But he started saying he would get evicted if someone didn't help him clean and if that happened he wouldn't want to move in with his mom so he would just move in with me or he'd be homeless. That got to me because I didn't want him living here. But obviously that was just a ploy to get what he wanted because once I got over there he didn't and had no intention of helping me help him clean his house. He wanted me to do everything.

 

Anyway, he knew that I had just had my surgery because he actually drove me to my follow up appointment to be medically released. He knew that I heard about a mentor of mine from college having another type of routine surgery the day after I did and during her recovery at home she ended up having a heart attack and was put on a ventilator. He also knew that I was following her families updates and she ended up dying. He knew how sad I was about losing someone who helped me so much but also she was only 7 years older than me, had a husband and very young kids and was just such an awesome person... Yet here I am recovering from my surgery just fine, I have nobody and pretty much nothing so I am still feeling bad because she didn't deserve to die and I could've been in her place so why am I still here? Those children should have their mom.

 

Two days after my college mentor died I'm talking to my sister, the one that I'm in contact with and somehow it randomly came out that when she was a kid (we have the same dad and are almost exactly ten years apart in age.) She was over at my moms house during the summer and hanging out with me (a pretty normal occurrence) at the same time my cousins from my moms side of my family had just moved back from out of state so they were over a lot. They are two and three years older than my sister.

Anyway, at the time this happened my sister would be going into third grade. My cousin would be going into 6th grade. She told me that when they would be over there that when I would let them have computer time to play some game on my computer, in my room my cousin would lock the door and molest her and at one point it escalated to full on rape.

She was giving me details about specific days and remember when this happened? It was because this and that... So I know she is telling the truth.

I am furious over this for multiple reasons.

1. This was happening in my house when I was there and had no clue. I asked her why didn't you yell for me or tell me this was happening when it actually happened? She said because she really didn't know what was happening and he was telling her they'd both be in trouble.

2. I'm upset that it took this long for her to tell me when years ago when she was still a teenage minor she told her mom and her mom did nothing about it. She never got her help or confronted my mom or aunt when she is in contact with these people almost all the time.

3. I'm thinking back to all this acting out and odd behavior she had as a kid and our moms would just ignore it and write it off as craziness for our dad not being around and she would be fine. But no, this stuff could easily be because of this other trauma happening so why didn't our mom's help her?

4. My cousin is now a heroin addict, everyone knows it. This year when I was watching his sister's kids he was over at her house while she was at work to take a shower and 'sober up'. I'm watching the kids and he's in the shower... All of a sudden he is yelling for me to unlock the bathroom door and help him. I practically have to bust the doorknob off to get in the bathroom. He's sitting in the tub with the shower on puking all over the place and he is zoning out telling me to help him up and mop up all this puke on the floor. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep curious toddlers from coming in the bathroom so they are crying. I practically saved his life because who knows what would have happened if he was there by himself or what. But I didn't know then what I know now. Had I did I wouldn't have helped him at all. I actually feel guilty now for helping him. Saving him.

 

I told the guy I was seeing multiple times while he was asking for my help cleaning "I can't help you, I'm so upset right now. I can't believe what my sister told me, my cousin better hope I don't see him." I didn't give him full on details like here but he knew I was upset.

 

Even when I was trying to find my phone... That he ended up having in his pocket the whole time I was saying things like this is the last thing I need I'm already stressed out. You know I have all these other things going on can you just help me find my phone so I can go home? At one point I was in the corner crying and praying to G-d and my dead father and everyone I could think of just help me find my phone, have it thrown across the room so I can just find it and leave.

 

Still he never gave me my phone. I saw it in his hoodie pouch and grabbed it. Then he took it again and refused to give it to me so I was bound to snap, and I did!

[Honeycomb8]

Your standards are miles underground. What the heck.

 

 

He sounds like pathetic slob, and a total mess. Leave him in his problems and get some therapy asap!