Should I apologize?

[boltnrun]

So what if he thinks he's "right"?

 

How does that even matter?

[itsallgrand]

Considering you assaulted him, it's in your own best interests not to have any form of contact with him.

 

His alcoholism does not excuse assault . And he very well could charge you.

 

It's the rage making you want to re engage. That's why you need help. Better on your terms than court ordered, no?

[Hollyj]

You need to focus on why YOU had anything to do with this loser in the first place. You can't help him, but you can help yourself.

 

The condition of the home should have been enough for you to turn away the first time. That is really disgusting.

[superfan]

You're abusive and he is an addict.

 

You need to get help for yourself so you don't bring this toxic dynamic into every relationship you get into.

 

And you need to stay as far away from him as possible. Even if you hadn't abused him....why the hell would you even want to go back to an alcoholic who lives in an episode of hoarders???

 

Get help and walk away.

[Honeycomb8]

Why are you clinging onto such a damaged individual? He's not your son and it's not like you've dated him 6 years and he's currently going through a bad phase-it‘s been only three months. Do u not think you deserve better...? I am just baffled.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think he really can hear well because of drinking. Otherwise he would have cleaned his kitchen when I said I'm bringing food to make dinner, clean the kitchen. He would have found me a pan when I asked. Instead of taking my phone and hiding it, he would have handed it over and let me go home.

 

You're obviously making excuses for him, as well as holding yourself hostage, and at the same time selling yourself short. Why not set your standards at a higher level?

[AubreyN]

I haven't talked to him since Monday night and haven't texted him since Tuesday afternoon. I haven't apologized.

My last actual relationship was about 2.5 years ago and lasted 12 years. In about a year and a half of trying to date other people, including this guy, they have all been flakes. Saying they want relationships then they change their minds or friend zone me. This guy wants a relationship so bad but he is clearly unfit to be in one at all. He just kept making promises of he'd get help but then he wouldn't or give him til this day but then he couldn't stop. With all these other things going on in my life I was trying to distance myself because it was too much. But then once again I got caught up in his calls for help. I tried to help him and in his games I got pushed too far; all my crap that had been building up came flying out. Had he not taken my phone and left it on the couch when I said I was leaving so I could take it and go home nothing would have happened. I would've got my phone and left. Instead he sat there with it in his pocket for an hour while I got madder and madder trying to find it, begging for him to call it. Obviously he couldn't... It would start ringing in his hoodie!

I don't know what to say about why my standards are so low. Does anyone know where any decent men are these days? They are very few and so far between. This one is just another to put in the discard pile.

[Hollyj]

I think you need to address who you have been attracted to. If this is a pattern, then you are the common denominator.

 

There are many decent men, you simply need to be more discerning This guy is really bottom of the barrel. Your desperation for a relationship, low boundaries and self esteem .

 

No more projects.

 

Have you done a Meet up or volunteered?

[MissCanuck]

I don't know what to say about why my standards are so low. Does anyone know where any decent men are these days? They are very few and so far between. This one is just another to put in the discard pile.

 

There are decent men everywhere. They aren't as few and far between as you think; it seems your picker is broken.

 

In my 37 years on this planet, I have yet to date a guy who is even remotely similar to this one, OP. I am not saying that every guy has been perfect or without problems, of course, but you need to recognize your role in either pursuing or sticking around too long with men who come with a boatload of red flags.

[Wiseman2]

The best approach to dating is "what you see is what you get". Hoping they change or you can fix them is the road to disappointment. For example this guy was an alcoholic hoarder when you met. That means run, not fix. Reset your mindset and that will reset your luck with dating.

He just kept making promises of he'd get help but then he wouldn't.

[Hollyj]

The best approach to dating is "what you see is what you get". Hoping they change or you can fix them is the road to disappointment. For example this guy was an alcoholic hoarder when you met. That means run, not fix. Reset your mindset and that will reset your luck with dating.

 

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!

[AubreyN]

I think you need to address who you have been attracted to. If this is a pattern, then you are the common denominator.

 

There are many decent men, you simply need to be more discerning This guy is really bottom of the barrel. Your desperation for a relationship, low boundaries and self esteem .

 

No more projects.

 

Have you done a Meet up or volunteered?

 

I do volunteer but it's mostly with groups of people who are way younger than me, or people and couples who are already married. Being in your mid 30s sucks because everyone is already married or reeling from divorces and don't want any kind of commitment any more. In this guys case he has never been married or in a serious relationship. Its like he went to a party school for college (he actually did) and never got over the lifes a party stage.

[Capricorn3]

The best approach to dating is "what you see is what you get". Hoping they change or you can fix them is the road to disappointment. For example this guy was an alcoholic hoarder when you met. That means run, not fix. Reset your mindset and that will reset your luck with dating.

This is worth repeating.

[Hollyj]

I do volunteer but it's mostly with groups of people who are way younger than me, or people and couples who are already married. Being in your mid 30s sucks because everyone is already married or reeling from divorces and don't want any kind of commitment any more. In this guys case he has never been married or in a serious relationship. Its like he went to a party school for college (he actually did) and never got over the lifes a party stage.

 

Find more projects to volunteer with.

 

I am in my mid fifties and my attitude is not negative like yours. People meet all the time, especially in their 30's. This is about you and your terrible choices in men.

 

Who in the heck would get involved with this guy on a serious basis, He is a complete mess.

 

I strongly suggest you seek some therapy for self esteem issues, as you cannot afford to continue to choose men like this. This guy is a complete loser.

[itsallgrand]

Healthy men will run the other way when they encounter anger issues like yours. And there are signs that show up early, it's not something well hidden. It oozes out even on forum posts. It all goes back to dealing with that.

 

You threatened to kill this man. I don't think dating is your priority right now.

[katrina1980]

Aubrey just curious, did (do) you have a parent or close sibling that was an alcoholic?

 

And because you were unable to help or 'save' them, you have "transferred" your feelings of powerlessness and helplessness toward your parent on to your boyfriend.

 

I actually learned that in therapy. When we grow up with a dysfunctional parent, we tend to subconsciously seek out a partner with similar dysfunction and attempt to "fix" our partner, something we wish we could have done with our parent but never did or could rendering us helpless and powerless.

 

By fixing our partner, we regain that power.

[AubreyN]

Aubrey just curious, did (do) you have a parent or close sibling that was an alcoholic?

 

And because you were unable to help or 'save' them, you have "transferred" your feelings of powerlessness and helplessness toward your parent on to your boyfriend.

 

I actually learned that in therapy. When we grow up with a dysfunctional parent, we tend to subconsciously seek out a partner with similar dysfunction and attempt to "fix" our partner, something we wish we could have done with our parent but never did or could rendering us helpless and powerless.

 

By fixing our partner, we regain that power.

 

All of my parents are drug addicts and alcoholics. My mom lives off of vodka and coffee and cocaine. My dad was a heroin addict and trafficker. My stepmom pops pills and also drinks nonstop. My sister is a meth addict my brother is a heroin addict. The only ones who turned out even remotely normal are me and my other sister.

My dad ended up being on the lam for about 20 years, nobody knew where he was. Found out a few years ago he committed suicide in the mountains in 2013. Neither of my moms or siblings have ever been to rehab. They all refuse, the only time any of them are sober is when they are in jail. I don't even talk to these people and can't be around them. I figured out through my own therapies that from growing up in that environment I have PTSD and since they have never gotten help, if I go around them it sets off way too many triggers and eventually one of them sets me off. Clearly, this happened in this situation. I even told this guy as I was looking for my phone... Please help me find my phone, I just need to get out of here. You're triggering me. That's why I kept going outside to breathe. But I wasn't going to leave without my phone when I was taking the bus at night time. He should have given me my phone in the first place or never touched it and nothing would have happened.

I guess the reason why I had kept coming around this guy is, instead of my parents who always just said I'm not going to rehab, I'm not a drug addict. This guy actually says he knows hes an alcoholic and would say, take me to a meeting... Take me to a hospital. I would show up to do so and he would back out. I would say screw you don't talk to me til you are sober and I wouldn't talk to him. Then he would say I'll stop drinking on Monday or on this day... But those days would come and he wouldn't stop. So I wouldn't talk to him. Then he called me saying he needed help cleaning his house... And here we are.

[catfeeder]

Have you attended AlaNon meetings? I'd keep up your therapy AND start going to meetings. Don't back out until you've been to at least 3. Then if you don't like a particular group, find another--they are all different. They use the same charter, but they are run differently and adopt different cultures. For instance, some are more spiritual, some are more practical, some are more structured, some are more casual...

[Annia]

3 months in and already this mess? And why are you dating an alcoholic? This is going no where and is unhealthy for both of you.

[Hollyj]

The lesson: stay away from addicts. Also, if you can't find your hone, call it.

[AubreyN]

The lesson: stay away from addicts. Also, if you can't find your hone, call it.

 

How can I call my phone without my phone?? I was asking him to call it the whole time I was looking for it. He refused. Why? Because I found it in his hoodie pouch. Had he called it with his phone he would have started ringing... My guess is he grabbed my phone off the couch when I was in the kitchen and got upset and said I was leaving. He knew I wouldn't have left at night without my phone so he was trying to buy time to convince me to stay. But when I was standing next to him still looking for my phone an hour or so later he was bending over to the floor and I saw my phone in his hoodie pouch. That made me even more pissed because he was basically holding me there. Then when I was walking outside trying to get my phone to call a fire department because his house should be condemned he ripped the phone out of my hand. I was then stuck there because he called his mom and his mom told him hold on to her phone because I'm coming over to talk to her.

[Hollyj]

I didn't know that you asked to use his phone. You did not include the info .

 

OP, bottom line, you should not have ever been involved with this individual.the entire situation is over-the-top.

[AubreyN]

In my original post I did say I asked him to help me find it and he did nothing. Only reason I found it was because he was bending down to get a beer can and I was right next to him and saw it in the pouch of his hoodie.

 

Yes, I know what the bottom line is. Everyone needs help. If I need help I can't be helping people who don't want it. This is day 6 since this happened. I last saw him when I finally left his house. Last texted him that Tuesday after he was saying he was going to charge me with assault and I told him I went to anger management so just leave me alone. I haven't apologized and don't really think I need to at this point as long as he just stays away from me.

[Honeycomb8]

You threatened to kill him and choked him...DO you really not see what's wrong with those actions.

 

 

That's nuts.

[Hollyj]

You threatened to kill him and choked him...DO you really not see what's wrong with those actions.

 

 

That's nuts.

 

I don't think she does. She also thinks all men are damaged.