Me and my friend's wife's holiday romance

[mwacuk]

I'm not expecting to make any friends in this forum. Both me and my friend's wife know what we are doing is really really wrong.

I've changed the names and places to protect people and avoid anyone we know in real life discovering what is going on.

I'm a guy and met my friend’s wife (Chloe) about 20 years ago as teenagers. When we met we were teenagers, despite us both being single and us having a close and slightly flirtatious friendship from the off we have always remained platonic until a few weeks ago. We have remained close friends throughout the last 20 years. Around 15 years ago Chloe met who is now her husband, Jamie and I was introduced to Jamie through Chloe. Jamie has over time become my best friend and just as much part of my life as Chloe. Chloe and Jamie got married in 2017 and I was best man. I have never felt any jealously for their relationship, me and Chloe simply never had that sort of relationship before they got together.

I’ve always had a reputation as being a bit of a player and have had many short term relationships/flings with many people who both Jamie and Chloe introduced me to over the years. However in the last 10 years I have been in a relationship with the same person, Gemma. Me and Gemma had children very quickly after meeting but our relationship has been very cold and loveless for many years, despite many attempts to rekindle what we had (which was never much in the first place). Chloe and Jamie on the surface have a much more loving relationship, but Chloe has always confided with me (especially in the last year or so) that often Jamie is cold towards her and has a low sex drive.

We’re now both in out mid thirties.

Chloe had planned to go on holiday with her female friend to Egypt, but for whatever reason her friend cancelled a few weeks before the holiday and due to childcare Jamie was unable to take her place. Chloe approached me and asked if I wanted to take her friend’s place. The holiday was cheap, I was happy to go, Jamie and Gemma were both happy for us to go together as they obviously completed trusted us alone together. We had managed 20 years with nothing happening so it seemed reasonable that nothing would happen, even to me. Many of my friends and colleagues thought it was strange that we went on holiday together and poked jokes that we were really having an affair.

During the holiday me and Chloe became closer and closer, we laughed, flirted, cuddled. About two days into the holiday Chloe told me that she did fancy me and had the situation been different with our other relationships she could see herself with me, not Jamie. It was like something clicked. I’d never thought of Chloe like that. Yes I find her attractive to look at but I had a sudden rush of feelings for her that felt so strong. That night, despite us not really having any alcohol we cuddled naked, intimately kissed and touched in bed. And this continued every night, eventually it became sexual towards the end of the holiday. For the whole holiday we acted like a loving couple who were very much in the honeymoon period. We even referred to each other as gf / bf. It was like being a teenager again, the excitement and lust we felt for each other was amazing. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It was perfect in our little bubble thousands of miles away from home. A perfect holiday romance with the added twist of us having a completely different life at home. The thing that is hard here is that, we didn’t just get drunk and have sex; we absolutely fell in love and now have really strong feelings for each other. There was no need for it to take any time for all this to happen because of the length of our friendship already, it was just uncovered (discovered) in a matter of days.

Now we’re home and of course it’s now a lot more complicated. Chloe says that she is in love with both me and Jamie. I had said that the last thing I want to happen is for her and Jamie to break up, but our feelings for each other are still there and seem stronger than any guilt we have for what we’re doing. Me and Chloe have tried to see each other as much as we can since we got home. I miss her so much within a few days of not having one-on-one time with her.

Chloe has said that she wants there to still be an ‘us’ when we can be sure we are alone and no one can catch up (ie – out of town together) and keeps discussing how we could arrange a trip for just me and her. Chloe says she is so torn between her feelings for me and the guilt. (Obviously the feelings are winning at the moment)

I feel guilt, towards Jamie. I’m numb to any guilt for Gemma as she has shown me absolutely no affection for years. But my feelings for Chloe are completely over-riding the guilt I have.

I’m terrified Chloe ends this as she can just go back to Jamie and I’m left with nothing, I only love one women, Chloe. I keep saying to myself it needs to stop and Chloe also says this on the phone but when we see each other our feelings just take over and we end up kissing passionately and more.

We both seem to be able to act really normal around everyone else and as far as I know no one suspects anything, although it is probably obvious to both Jamie and Gemma that we seem to be spending a lot more time together than we did before the holiday. I’ve convinced myself that it’s plausible that we could just be closer, even as platonic friends. Neither Jamie or Gemma have said anything to suggest they suspect anything. I’m scared that we can’t stop and we get caught and that would be a nightmare for everyone. I don’t want to end this with Chloe, I love her more than Gemma and I’m scared how much this will hurt my mental health. My heart wants to find a way to carry this on indefinitely, even if, like Chloe suggests, it’s just the occasional thing.

Neither of us planned this, we genuinely fell in love. Yes, maybe in hindsight it was predictable and we shouldn’t have spent a week together on holiday together. I don’t want Chloe to be with me instead of Jamie, they are both everything to me and I need them as friends, probably more so if this got out and Gemma threw me out.

Jamie thinks I’m a player at heart and I believe that if he found out, he’d probably ultimately forgive Chloe, believing that she’d somehow fallen for my ‘game’ and place a lot more of the blame on me. In reality, Chloe was completely different from anyone else I’ve been with, she broke me, I love her and this was an entirely 50/50 relationship and no one had any premeditated intention of this happening.

Anyone been in a similar position and how did it turn out?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

Jamie thinks I’m a player at heart and I believe that if he found out, he’d probably ultimately forgive Chloe

Your or her spouse will eventually find out. Do either of you have kids? If so you'll ruin a lot more than 4 lives.

That doesn't mean you'll end up together, most affairs don't end that way, even though a lot the pillow talk is about ditching the boring loveless spouse and riding off into the sunset together, madly in love. 

When your spouse or hers finds out they will tell the other one's. Contact an attorney and see what your options are in divorce. You may need to divorce either way, because you don't love your wife and she will find out.

 

[mwacuk]

Wiseman 2 , both couples have kids! I'm not married to Gemma, just live with her and have kids. 

I'd love to break up with Gemma, but we have kids and a home and it's not that easy. 

[Kwothe28]

Its a holiday romance. Something that felt right at the moment because, well, its a fantasy and there was no consequences. I think you would find that when people face real world repercussion, they act quite different.

For example, she is clear she doesnt want you. She wants an affair. Something to feel nice. Maybe her husband just doesnt satisfy you, maybe she is just bored there. You are both unable to break from your marriages and just live in a fantasy of some kind of love. Its just an affair, there is nothing higher there. And as such, its plain bad toward your partner and her husband. Break that up before it escallates to more than just a fantasy. Its not only immoral, its just bad overall. You are sleeping with your friends wife. There is no words to describe how bad that thing is.

[boltnrun]

Imagine the look on your kids' faces when they find out Daddy has been having sex with Mommy and Daddy's friend.  Then imagine Jamie's reaction to being betrayed by both his wife AND the guy he thought was his friend.  

Imagine court cases to determine visitation.  Imagine your finances being greatly reduced when you are ordered to support two households.  Imagine only seeing your children for 48 hours every two weeks.

You seem to be enjoying your "player" reputation.  Perhaps that will be enough for you when this all comes out into the open and lives are shattered.

And yes, I know people who have done this.  Not one of them ended up blissfully happy with their cheating partner.  In fact, most of them ended up dumped.

Yeah, you'll probably conclude I'm being "judgmental" or that I'm "bitter".  Nope, just a realist. 

[Rose Mosse]

It doesn’t sound like Chloe will leave her family or Jamie to be with you so this idea or fantasy of having a life with C is just that, fantasy. 

Splash yourself with cold water or better yet run into a glacial lake and sink there for some time to cool off. This will not materialize the way you hope.

If you’re talking about leaving your partner to start fresh speak with a lawyer as you’ll need to straighten out custody and assets regardless if you’re married or common law. 

You’re wasting your life and time in a fantasy.

[Batya33]

I would do what is hard - for the benefit of your children.  Move out ASAP and co-parent with Gemma.  Leave the married lady alone so you don't risk more drama.  Hopefully she's not pregnant with your child.  

I have a few stories where the person ended up marrying the affair partner, lots of drama for the children. I have another where my single friend had an affair with her best friend in grad school.  He was married with one child.  While they were together his wife got pregnant with the second child.  They ended up breaking up and I think their marriage survived.  My friend met her husband but ended up being married only a very short time as she got cancer in her early 30s and died a few years later.  So because of her choosing to pursue her married affair partner she spent a big percentage of the rest of her life chasing someone unavailable.  Tragic and sad.  Consider how short life can be.  Consider what's in the best interests of your children, too.

[MissCanuck]

Understand that the holiday fantasy romance is unlikely to last long once that bubble truly bursts. 

If one of your partners finds out, it blow up spectacularly. 

If (and this is a long shot) neither finds out but you leave your partners for each other....eh, real life has a way of extinguishing the fantasy quickly. You're clearly both lacking something in your relationships, so you're both leaping at the chance for some affection and attention right now. But once you're both satiated, there's nothing to guarantee you will both still want each other. 

My money is on the first scenario, though. You're all both way too close to each other for this to go unnoticed for long. Will it be worth it to upend your own family and hers? You say it's hard to leave your partner because you have kids, but what you're doing right now puts their stability and family unit in jeopardy anyway. So your reasoning doesn't hold much weight. You will cause major turmoil to your kids' lives if your family blows apart because of your infidelity. 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, mwacuk said:

Wiseman 2 , both couples have kids! I'm not married to Gemma, just live with her and have kids. 

I'd love to break up with Gemma, but we have kids and a home and it's not that easy. 

People who have mortgages and own businesses and have assets and kids, etc. do it every single day.  What makes you so special?

The reality is you are exactly where you want to be.  In your case it sounds like you are enjoying re-visiting your "player" days, who knows what her motivations are.  Maybe she just wanted to sample some strange.  In any event, quit making excuses about your "loveless relationships" as an excuse to carry on as you are.  As my grandpa used to say, "s#!% or get off the pot."  If your relationship isn't satisfactory, then you don't bring in a third party as your back-up, you either learn to live with it, you fix it, or you leave.  It really is that simple.

[mwacuk]

37 minutes ago, waffle said:

The reality is you are exactly where you want to be.  In your case it sounds like you are enjoying re-visiting your "player" days, who knows what her motivations 

No that's not how it is at all. I'm in love with Chloe, she was never 'played' I never set out to pull her. We mutually fell for each other. As much as the setting for this is awful, there are no ulterior motives from either of us. I've known Chloe half my life, she was everything to me before, I trust her 100% that she has just fallen into this trap with me. 

[lostandhurt]

Your post could have been just a few sentences.

I am having sex with a very good friends wife and I know it is wrong but I have justified it my head because my relationship isn't as good as I think it should be.

 Lots of people have had similar situations because this is common for cheaters.  Break their vows and promises, justify their selfish actions by blaming their partner and then wonder why it all blows up in their faces eventually.  This is not uncommon at all.  You both are lairs and cheaters, this romance is nothing more than lust and someone will find out.

 Outcomes are varied but it usually means marriages end, hearts and lives are shattered for a time, kids split their time between two divorces parents and the lovers rarely stay together beyond 2-3 years.

  Be patient, karma is...

Lost

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

No that's not how it is at all. I'm in love with Chloe, she was never 'played' I never set out to pull her. We mutually fell for each other. As much as the setting for this is awful, there are no ulterior motives from either of us. I've known Chloe half my life, she was everything to me before, I trust her 100% that she has just fallen into this trap with me. 

Why do you trust someone who would cheat on her husband ?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, mwacuk said:

I'd love to break up with Gemma, but we have kids and a home and it's not that easy. 

When she finds out your family will blow up.

So what you are saying is the thrill of sneaking, lying, cheating is easy but the drudgery of family life is hard? Very true. For now.

[mwacuk]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you trust someone who would cheat on her husband ?

Well because I saw this whole thing unfold from the start, I know exactly how she (and we) got here. Also, on some levels me and Chloe have a deeper level relationship than Chloe has with her Husband 

[Seraphim]

So you are saying you don’t value your children or hers. 

[Rose Mosse]

19 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

Well because I saw this whole thing unfold from the start, I know exactly how she (and we) got here. Also, on some levels me and Chloe have a deeper level relationship than Chloe has with her Husband 

That's why you're here. Believing this. The reality is that you are in no actual relationship. The one with your partner Gemma is dysfunctional and so is this one with Chloe because it's hidden and filled with deception and duplicity. Neither are relationships. Are they helping you cope with something else? Deal with one thing at a time and address the broken relationship you have with Gemma before complicating matters further.

[wealthydior]

22 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

me and Chloe have a deeper level relationship than Chloe has with her Husband 

You don’t know this, if that’s the case, why doesn’t she break up with her husband for you? Now don’t come to me and say, “They have children, so she can’t leave.” If they were such an unhappy family, she would surely prefer to raise their children in a happy home.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

Well because I saw this whole thing unfold from the start, I know exactly how she (and we) got here. Also, on some levels me and Chloe have a deeper level relationship than Chloe has with her Husband 

You saw nothing unfold - you're not a passive observer.  You chose to get drunk and have sex with Chloe.  Levels don't matter.  She is a person who is comfortable cheating on her spouse.  If you ended up in a committed relationship with her would you really believe she'd be faithful to you? 

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

Well because I saw this whole thing unfold from the start, I know exactly how she (and we) got here. Also, on some levels me and Chloe have a deeper level relationship than Chloe has with her Husband 

Says every cheater.

Do you feel good about breaking up two families because Chloe is hot?

[Andrina]

Yes, i do know of someone who'd been in your shoes, except he didn't have a partner. He felt so guilty, he committed suicide. His best friend didn't know why until he found his wife's journal where she spoke about the affair. He divorced her and married a faithful woman who he's been extremely happy with. 

Like someone else said, she's a cheater so she'd end up cheating on you as well if her husband divorced her, since she's not leaving him. There are no excuses for cheating, including a partner having a low sex drive.

With distance from her and no further communication, you will eventually get over her. You should also fade away from her husband because you're no friend to him. Let him think you're a jerk for fading away, because that's what you are. This will free him to spend time with true friends instead of a betrayer. Do the same with your children's mother and free her, as she should be single to find someone who treats her the way she should be treated.

Since you aren't a good friend or bf, get a blow up doll so no woman will have to be subjected to your poor ethics, and just marathon watch t.v. instead of making new guy friends since you don't place proper boundaries on yourself with their significant others. At least you can feel better about yourself for stopping abominable behavior instead of continuing on with it.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, mwacuk said:

Jamie has over time become my best friend

And if this is how you treat your "best friend", what do you do to someone who's not allegedly your friend?

Apparently you really value your "player" reputation. Which is fine, but first leave your children's mother and stop sleeping with your supposed friend's wives. Play around with all the single women you want once you too are single.

[BecxyRex]

I think all you need to know going forward is that Chloe doesn’t love you enough to divorce her husband. Her “guilt” and willingness to sneak behind his back say everything. If this was truly a match made in heaven you’d be discussing both of your divorces by now. She’s not willing to do that. 
Break up with Gemma. You both aren’t in love from what it sounds like. Yes, you’ll be paying child support, but ultimately, I think it’s all heading that way anyway. People have left relationships with kids involved, it’s not an impossibility. Go from there. 
You say your friend Jamie is everything to you. I understand Love can cloud judgement, but in my mind you have already lost that friend when you started sleeping with his wife. Cut ties with both of them and start fresh. This holiday romance will not last once reality kicks in. Try to leave with some dignity right now before it gets really bad. 

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, waffle said:

People who have mortgages and own businesses and have assets and kids, etc. do it every single day.  What makes you so special?

The reality is you are exactly where you want to be.  In your case it sounds like you are enjoying re-visiting your "player" days, who knows what her motivations are.  Maybe she just wanted to sample some strange.  In any event, quit making excuses about your "loveless relationships" as an excuse to carry on as you are.  As my grandpa used to say, "s#!% or get off the pot."  If your relationship isn't satisfactory, then you don't bring in a third party as your back-up, you either learn to live with it, you fix it, or you leave.  It really is that simple.

I second this post in its entirety.  Totally nailed it.

OP, if this is how you treat your best friend, I would hate to see how you treat other people. Sometimes it's a good idea to take time out and look within.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you see any definition of self-respect, respect for other people's relationships, YOUR OWN relationship. I doubt it.  All you show here is total disrespect for all and zero self respect.  No morals. No values. No ethics.  Is this the example you show your children? Yes. Not very impressive, is it?

The big question is:  Are you going to stop cheating and sort out your own relationship?  I highly doubt it because you find a lot of excuses and seem to like living up to your "player reputation", but you should be old enough to do the right thing and not let your little brain (if you know what I mean) rule your life.

Karma has a nice way of getting back at you one day, when you least expect it.

[greendots]

Let me get this straight: So, Jamie knows you're in a relationship with Gemma, yet allows his wife Chloe to go on a trip with you. Gemma is keen for you guys to travel together as well. What the heck?!

Either they're both pretty naive or, my first instinct, are Jamie and Gemma having an affair? Apologies if I'm jumping the gun... why both allowed you guys to go on a trip together doesn't make sense to me. Then, maybe, others actually do that sort of stuff...

 

[1a1a]

Is the relationship you have with Gemma the kind of relationship you want your kids to have?

 

You’re teaching them that this is the way to do it.