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Me and my friend's wife's holiday romance


mwacuk
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The only new woman in your life who would accept you being friends with Chloe will be a woman just as dysfunctional as you and Chloe are. But you seem to thrive on dysfunction. If you want to get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, you know what you have to do. 

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On 5/22/2022 at 2:13 PM, mwacuk said:

However in the last 10 years I have been in a relationship with the same person, Gemma. Me and Gemma had children very quickly after meeting but our relationship has been very cold and loveless for many years, despite many attempts to rekindle what we had.

Are you still living with Gemma? You need to stop hanging out with Jamie and Chloe altogether. This will come out and will blow up in your face. 

Focus on being a decent partner and father.  Or you can separate from Gemma, move out and start paying child support and maybe see your kids every other weekend. Or...keep your pants zipped.👖

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2 hours ago, mwacuk said:

Jamie really isn't okay with her doing this. Jamie and Chloe absolutely are not in an open relationship. Jamie has said to me that when he has challenges Chloe about this, Chloe has blackmailed him and said he was being 'controlling'. Jamie has said that he 'trusts' Chloe, obviously my prospective changes how trustworthy Chloe is simply because of what happened between me and her. 

And just to be clear, me and Chloe prior to the holiday were very open with each other about each others affairs with others outside our own relationships. While she could have lied to me, I don't feel she would have had any reason to. Remember me and Chloe were best friends (plutonic) prior to May. I don't believe Chloe is 'running around with other men' beyond kissing a few when drunk. She seemed very candid when discussing this both previously and since our affair. My concern is, what happened with me and her may 'normalise' going further than just kissing (I have no concrete evidence to say this is the case) 

I don't want to be in a relationship with Chloe. I would struggle to trust her fully. But, going forwards I need to be friends with Chloe and rekindle the friendship to resemble something similar to what we had before. What will make this very difficult for me and what I fear is the impact on seeing her going on to have further affairs because our affair may have changed her outlook and the hurt that would cause. 

I'm desperately trying to hang on to my best friend. What I need help/advice is whether this is something that is possible with time and if anyone has ever gone down the journey of best friends, to lovers and back again successfully?

 

Why do you actually need to be friends with Chloe though? Because you have feelings for her and secretly deep down hoping to have an affair with her again? 

Also I think your view on this whole situation seems very warped and you really need to examine what you're actually doing. You said Jamie is a good friend of yours, and yet you had an affair with his wife. You also actually continue to talk to Chloe, hang out with her, cuddled her, and "relapsed" even with the sex after the affair.

I don't see anywhere at all in your posts that you feel bad about what you did to Jamie (or Gemma) in any way? I understand people make mistakes but it's just the way you talk about it all that makes you sound like you're actually a sociopath and feel no remorse or empathy. You are a horrible, backstabbing friend to Jamie and also husband to Gemma.

Also you seem to be telling yourself that you're somehow special, and while Gemma kissed all these other men, it's only you she "truly wants" and had an affair with. From what you wrote it sounds like she's kissed quite a number of other guys. And you're right, if she was sleeping with you, maybe she did sleep/will sleep also with other guys. Also she's not really just going to tell you: "So let me tell you about these other guys I slept with", because she's actually manipulative.

You say she's not in a polyamorous or open marriage at all and yet when Jamie challenged her, she just blackmails and and gaslights him. Of course you can't trust her! You have literally no reason to trust her. But all exactly the same can actually be said about you.

 

 

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On 9/2/2022 at 11:35 PM, Tinydance said:

Why do you actually need to be friends with Chloe though?

She's been my friend for the last 18 years, and we've had an amazing time together and nothing up until 4 months ago has ever happened between us. I agree, I have feelings for her and last week she said the same to me. I want her back as I had her before this mess. It's going to be difficult to separate the romantic part of our relationship and build boundaries.

She isn't just a girl I met a few months ago. 

I'd love the idea of being exclusive with Chloe, but that can never be and I admit is based on a fantasy which ignores flaws she has that rule her out 

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12 hours ago, mwacuk said:

I'd love the idea of being exclusive with Chloe, but that can never be and I admit is based on a fantasy which ignores flaws she has that rule her out 

Also that pesky little detail of your own long term (ten years plus!) partner, Gemma, and your children.

You write as though they are disposable and not even worth any consideration. Same with your so called friend, Chloe's actual husband.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Also that pesky little detail of your own long term (ten years plus!) partner, Gemma, and your children.

You write as though they are disposable and not even worth any consideration. Same with your so called friend, Chloe's actual husband.

Yep. For my own head, I'd stop making HER about YOU.

You've had enough of a front row seat to witness and participate in this woman's capacity for disloyalty.

So it occurs to you now that she may not be exactly loyal to you, either.

Better late than never.

You own the ability and responsibility to move your focus onto your own household to consider what, exactly, the people who love and trust you mean to you.

Figure that out first, and you'll be guided by that answer as to where you must focus next--either dismantling those relationships in a responsible way, OR, cultivating them in a focused and responsible way.

No matter how you slice this, you're currently focused on the wrong stuff, because there's zero you can do about what you're focused on--except deprive those who deserve your attention.

Not a good position for anyone involved.

Resolve your own business instead of distracting yourself with someone else's. Once you do that, you can revisit how much any of this 'must' matter to you.

Address it THEN.

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20 hours ago, jul-els said:

You’ve crossed a boundary that can’t be taken back unless the two of you agree to forget about your dalliance and never speak of it again. Otherwise this is going to blow up. 

OP- THIS ^^^^^^^  This is the ONLY way you can just be friends again.  You both say it was a mistake and we totally forget it and put it forever behind us. 

Not sure she can do that, though- if she's going to get jealous every time you interact with a woman that isn't her. 

Not sure you can do that if you still have feelings for her. 

Also, you cannot ever hang out alone ever again.  Not sure either of you can do that. 

You need to be realistic about these things.  Having sex when you aren't free can irrevocably damage friendships.  You have to accept that if you both cannot do the above, then you might have just imploded your friendship.  But then of course if you aren't suddenly speaking anymore, your spouses may figure things out anyway.   Honestly, if you BOTH can't commit to the first sentence, then your only other way out of this is telling your spouses the truth and accepting the fallout.  You better hope she is willing.  Because honestly, she could easily get mad at you if you don't want to pursue/commit to her romantically and tell everyone anyway.  The only other thing is to both end your marriages and commit to each other, but you said you don't want that.  No matter what happens, buckle in- it's gonna be a bumpy resolution. 

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On 9/2/2022 at 3:31 PM, mwacuk said:

But, going forwards I need to be friends with Chloe and rekindle the friendship to resemble something similar to what we had before.

It's very predictable that you would choose a path of selfishness. I don't care if you've been friends for 90 years. You diddled another man's wife, no less someone who falsely considers you to be a friend. Even if you never again diddled with that woman, and her husband never finds out, it's a really crappy thing to continue a friendship with his wife. He's letting the devil into his house, a wolf in sheep's clothing--poor guy.

It's not all about your wants. How about becoming a better person and doing what's right for once? And you delaying divorcing your wife because of "appearances" is yet another selfish decision. Free the woman ASAP from this black-hearted behavior of yours. It's never too late to step up.

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20 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's very predictable that you would choose a path of selfishness. I don't care if you've been friends for 90 years. You diddled another man's wife, no less someone who falsely considers you to be a friend. Even if you never again diddled with that woman, and her husband never finds out, it's a really crappy thing to continue a friendship with his wife. He's letting the devil into his house, a wolf in sheep's clothing--poor guy.

It's not all about your wants. How about becoming a better person and doing what's right for once? And you delaying divorcing your wife because of "appearances" is yet another selfish decision. Free the woman ASAP from this black-hearted behavior of yours. It's never too late to step up.

Agreed but also I don't think Chloe is interested in a relationship with OP in any case. She's not leaving Jamie for him and she also kissed many other guys. Potentially even slept with other guys. I don't think she's really said she wants to be with him.

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