35M girl asked my contact but gave up when she knew the age gap

[PNFSVJXOKD]

I was in a zoom meeting and a friend of a friend asked my contact from her. When this common friend told me about her, she said that this girl "liked me."

I added her and we talked for 2 days. But one of the first things she asked me was my age. I told her I'm 35 and she told me she is 21. I found her really pretty. But the next day she opened the game that she couldn't see herself with me because of the age gap. I told her that I know many couples that have a big age gap but she thinks that that is a sign of desperation.

I completely respect her decision, but then why did she felt attracted to me in the first place? I have felt attraction to older and younger women before, but so far I have never found a woman who liked me mutually.

[melancholy123]

She didnt know you were 35 til 2 days in when she asked you.  You are too old for her.  Accept that and move on.  You two are in different phases of life.

[SooSad33]

She didn't know.

Attraction doesn't show your age.

I'd agree.. knowing when I was that age of 21, no way would I be interested in men that age.

 

[SherrySher]

Have you tried dating women your own age? You might have better luck.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

but then why did she felt attracted to me in the first place?

Because she thinks you are an attractive man, but not a dating candidate for her. They are not one and the same, OP. 

All you can do is respect that she is not interested in pursuing this, and leave it be. 

[lostandhurt]

It happens but you should take it as a compliment.

She thought you were attractive and much younger than you are so that is a good thing right?

She was honest with you so that is a good thing as well. 

Losy

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

 she opened the game that she couldn't see herself with me because of the age gap. 

That's ok. You never met and it was just a zoom meeting and a couple of days talking.

Try dating apps for meeting women, you may have better luck there.

[maritalbliss86]

I think it can be taboo, but women are sometimes attracted to men out of their age range (usually it's older, very less often it's younger).  It just is... I don't understand it either.  But from a female point of view, y'all tend to age really really well, it's just not fair LOL

Like my husband continually gets more and more attractive as he's aging (darn annoying but I love it!).  

And a few years ago, there was a dad who had a son in my oldest son's class, and I was VERY surprised to find out his age (I think he was 49 or very close to 50).  And he was very very attractive....  So annoying LOL

I pointed him out and told my husband that's going to be him someday, because he takes care of himself and is in general, already attractive.  But over the years, it's just true that men tend to look better in their 30's and maybe even 40's up to 50 (not sure able over that?).  

[smackie9]

She's at a different stage in her life, she's barely an adult and you wouldn't have very much in common. For example she goes to her friends frat party and brings you with her....a 35 year old guy trying to hang out with her 20- 21 year old friends, beer bong, immature drunkenness. You will complain how much time she's on her phone during dinner dates, how she stays out all night, going to clubs, dancing with other guys, etc.

[boltnrun]

I saw a man the other day who I found very attractive.  But he appeared to be in his early 30s. I am in my 50s. So even if he had found me attractive it would have been a no go. Different life stages.

She didn't reject you. She just wants to date in her own age group.

[PNFSVJXOKD]

Thanks everyone for replying. Yes, obviously there isn't any other course of action that just accepting, but the point of my post is not about changing her mind, I just wanted to understand why she was attracted in the first place, and your replies helped me a lot, so thanks everyone, it's appreciated.

I am very shy and inexperienced with dating, I just don't know how to start a conversation with an unknown girl. I fear that any introduction that I use will imediately make any girl lose interest. But maybe I can copy the way she did it, bc if girls acted like that, how bad can it be?

[lostandhurt]

The cold approach is not easy but it isn't lethal either.   Say hi and be friendly and then pay close attention to her response.  If it is a canned hi back then she isn't interested but if it is a talkative response there could be some interest.

Being friendly in general will help you with your shyness.  Most women are not cruel and will let you know politely they are not interested one way or another. Now if you become creepy or a pest that doesn't take the hint they will be less polite.

This comes down to practice so get out there and talk to women, all women whether you are interested in them or not.  To me women are a wonderful gift to this planet but they are not magical creatures, they are just people like you and me.  Nothing to fear if you screw up because trying and failing is way better than not trying at all.

Lost 

[BeaTlesFan77]

To piggyback onto this thread, what kind of age gaps do you all find acceptable these days?  Does the classic divide your age by two and add seven makes sense?

[LaHermes]

No idea, BF.  What a person finds acceptable is acceptable. 

Never heard of that "classic divide".  There are no taboos (re age).

A grand-aunt of mine married a man of 51 when she was 23.  Happily and they had five children. An uncle of 48 married a woman of 23.  

I know people married within quite a wide spectrum.  Married couples where there is a 10, 12 and 15 age difference.  And others where just a 3 or 4 years age difference. 

Maybe some people are of a more mature mindset than others. 

 

[Atlguy]

One of my best friends is 51 and planning to marry a 23 year old woman.  I thought my age gap was big, as I'm 52 and with a 35 year old woman.  It concerns me, but then I look at him and others like him and I'm a bit less concerned.  My parents were 12 years apart and their crappy marriage had nothing to do with the age gap.  They were together 38 years until my dad passed away.

[BeaTlesFan77]

4 minutes ago, hoshi said:

Aha, the classic dividing thing would still land me on my current age. Phew, I'm safe.

Honestly 1 year older is okay but anything after that creeps me out. I dislike age gaps, especially if it's a decade or if it's a choice to date.

My mom and dad married while they were 10 years apart, it was an exception for me honestly due to the fact it was arranged marriage. Mom didn't have a choice in who she likes.

Too much is too much. If they are both adults and well over 20, I don't mind. But if one is like 60 and the other is 20, sounds like a sugar daddy/baby relationship.

Yeah I know there’s so many different variations out there with how people view this topic. I just turned 44 and I typically look for someone who is at least 30. My thinking is starting at 30 you’re done with college and past the whole partying scene which I’m not into. 

[smackie9]

One thing I noticed some dating sites like eharmoney have it set that men can look for 11 years younger while for women it's only 5 to 7. I can see why some would choose to change their age to get younger prospects offered.

[PNFSVJXOKD]

GUYS GUYS GUYS OP HERE. SOME MAJOR PLOT TWIST JUST HAPPENED.

The same girl last weekend was again in the same zoom meeting where I was. She asked if I was still single and I started talking normally about how I was trying to meet more women, then she said she changed her mind and was willing to give ourselves a chance to know each other better and maybe turn it into a relationship. Of course I was amazed. These last weeks I'm being very busy with work, so we only messaged one time, but she invited me to her zoom meeting on the next weekend.

Meanwhile... I noticed something from another girl who is the girl of my dreams. She's only 9 and a half years younger than me, not 14. I don't even remember when it was that I first met her, I think it's between 6 and 8 years. It really was love at first sight for me. But I'm very shy and to me being social feels like a chore, it takes effort but I still try to grab every opportunity that I can. So we sometimes have gone together with some friends to go bowling, eating out or going to volunteer work. But we couldn't never have a one on one conversation.

Of course I know that my shyness is hindering me, so I try to work on every quality that I can - I work a lot, I watch my diet, and in general have a good reputation in our group of friends. So, after years of crushing on her, in december of 2019 I confessed to her. She was having some strong problems with anxiety and started taking some medications from what I heard. And sometimes she would do things that looked to me like she was actually interested in me.

To give some examples, once we were playing the Irish Snap card game with friends, and in a very fast movement my hand covered hers. Immediately after she started to fan herself, like she was feeling heat. In another occasion she did this again when someone complimented me and my garments. In another time we were playing volleyball with friends, she in the other team, and another person in my team said he would take the next ball, but the ball came exactly between him and me and we just looked at each other while the ball falled straight. And then she started to laugh histerically because of that, to me it looks like it was because of me, because it was expected that I had gone for the ball but I didn't.

When I confessed to her, I asked if she was interested in me and all she could say was " no", grinning probably because it's an awkward situation, but I quickly tried to confort her, saying that it was no problem and that I understood it, then I wished her to improve with her anxiety problem. But after the "no" she was speechless and all she did was stare at me, it was not a stare of fear, but she looked like she was surprised.

Now, what she did is, for two consecutive meetings, she was wearing exactly the same color of clothes that I used on the meeting before. I know it sounds like a mundane coincidence, but the first time I noticed it she was wearing a red coat with a white shirt, exactly the same tones and combination I used the previous time. I thought it was a coincidence, and I was wearing a dark blue coat and shirt. The next meeting, she was wearing the same tone of blue that I was!

I think she is in many ways very like me, maybe (or probably) even more shy than I am. We both talk to our friends but we can barely look at each other in the face, let alone talk. Or maybe it's my brain fooling me. She is 25yrs old now and afaik never had a bf.

So now I'm wondering if I should message her or not, and then if I do, what to say! I obviously don't want to bother her if she truly has no feelings for me, but I think her father does not want she to date me and that could be what is holding her back.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

I think her father does not want she to date me and that could be what is holding her back.

Did she say this? After all you never asked her out. 

Holding her back from what? 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

When I confessed to her, I asked if she was interested in me and all she could say was " no"

What is not clear about that? Even if she is just shy, she said "no". After that all you can do is move on from there. So, go with Zoom girl. She is at least intersted in seeing you again.

[Tinydance]

Sorry but I think that girl who said "no" is not interested. Because, well it's self explanatory, she said no lol Are you able to actually meet the Zoom girl in person or it's not possible because of COVID?

[PNFSVJXOKD]

@Tinydance No, because she lives in another state, she's 350km away from me (220 miles).

I must talk to my dream girl. The help I would really appreciate is tips in how to do that, what to say, how to keep the bridge open, etc. I intend to tell her that she is the girl I love but if she doesn't feel the same, then I'll start seeing another girl.

I know for a fact that she's shy and very attractive. There must be many other guys who'd want to date her, because of her shyness I really doubt she would confess to the guy she loves, she would much more probably date someone who asked her out who she'd have some interest in.

Her father is very strict and has some authority and influence in our group, that's why I think he might be against it. I think I'm a quite good candidate but his bar is likely very high. But there's nothing that should be a red flag for him to see in me, afaik.

I just want to have a casual conversation with her without pressure, but our shyness make this very difficult.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

@Tinydance No, because she lives in another state, she's 350km away from me (220 miles).

I must talk to my dream girl. The help I would really appreciate is tips in how to do that, what to say, how to keep the bridge open, etc. I intend to tell her that she is the girl I love but if she doesn't feel the same, then I'll start seeing another girl.

I know for a fact that she's shy and very attractive. There must be many other guys who'd want to date her, because of her shyness I really doubt she would confess to the guy she loves, she would much more probably date someone who asked her out who she'd have some interest in.

Her father is very strict and has some authority and influence in our group, that's why I think he might be against it. I think I'm a quite good candidate but his bar is likely very high. But there's nothing that should be a red flag for him to see in me, afaik.

I just want to have a casual conversation with her without pressure, but our shyness make this very difficult.

I'm in Australia so you don't need to use miles with me 😜 I don't even understand miles lol Dude sorry I'm not going to give you any advice on how to keep hitting on a girl that already said no to you. You've known her for eight years, nothing has ever happened between you and now she actually told you she's not interested. How can she be your "dream girl" when you've never even had anything with her? Do you mean "fantasy girl" where all you have is a fantasy of her and nothing in reality. Please don't be one of those creeper guys who just don't take no for an answer.

[boltnrun]

You do not "love" her. She is a fantasy as @tinydance said.

Why do you want to pursue the woman who told you "no" instead of the woman who told you "yes"?

[PNFSVJXOKD]

Because I love her ? And it shouldn't be the end of the world? And I asked her one year and nine months ago? And I'm getting the felling that she _does_ like me but is also very shy and she doesn't know how to speak to me or even starting a romantic relationship ? Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Really, this should not be a hard time. If this is such an agony for women, then it is being done wrong. There has to be a way to do this that is not unconfortable.

Let us please consider an hypothesis for now. Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?