35M girl asked my contact but gave up when she knew the age gap

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?

Unfortunately this is 'magical thinking' (google it). Wear something really strange and see what happens.

[abitbroken]

8 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Because I love her ? And it shouldn't be the end of the world? And I asked her one year and nine months ago? And I'm getting the felling that she _does_ like me but is also very shy and she doesn't know how to speak to me or even starting a romantic relationship ? Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Really, this should not be a hard time. If this is such an agony for women, then it is being done wrong. There has to be a way to do this that is not unconfortable.

Let us please consider an hypothesis for now. Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?

Please respect her!  She said you are too old for her and now you are convinced that "she never said she would change her mind".  That's really creepy, you know?   If a woman says "this isn't a good time for me" its a gentle way of saying NO.  There are other women in the world to meet

[PNFSVJXOKD]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wear something really strange and see what happens.

Clearly not good advice. No good outcome can come out of this. Last time I was wearing black with a white shirt, let's see if the trend continues.

2 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

Please respect her!  She said you are too old for her and now you are convinced that "she never said she would change her mind".  That's really creepy, you know?   If a woman says "this isn't a good time for me" its a gentle way of saying NO.  There are other women in the world to meet

Sorry, you are confusing the girls. The first girl that said that actually DO changed her mind and she came back to me to try again. I was talking about the second girl.

[abitbroken]

On 6/14/2021 at 10:03 PM, PNFSVJXOKD said:

 I told her that I know many couples that have a big age gap but she thinks that that is a sign of desperation.

 

She is a very perceptive young woman. 

If she is wearing the same colors as you, its coincidence because she could not have known what you were going to wear that day

Please distance yourself. This is concerning. She owes you nothing. This is how obsession/stalking starts.

[PNFSVJXOKD]

1 minute ago, abitbroken said:

If she is wearing the same colors as you, its coincidence because she could not have known what you were going to wear that day

You're still confusing things. For two consecutive times, my dream girl watched what colors I was wearing and then on the NEXT meeting, she was wearing those same colors.

[abitbroken]

1 minute ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Clearly not good advice. No good outcome can come out of this. Last time I was wearing black with a white shirt, let's see if the trend continues.

Sorry, you are confusing the girls. The first girl that said that actually DO changed her mind and she came back to me to try again. I was talking about the second girl.

If the other WOMAN is shy around you after this long, it could be that she just doesn't enjoy talking to you.  Why not find someone who really does

[abitbroken]

Just now, PNFSVJXOKD said:

You're still confusing things. For two consecutive times, my dream girl watched what colors I was wearing and then on the NEXT meeting, she was wearing those same colors.

Coincidence. People only have so many clothing items.   Its not a secret message

[greendots]

Ask her out. I'd say that's your best bet to find out what's really going on. All the best!

[PNFSVJXOKD]

Just now, greendots said:

Ask her out. I'd say that's your best bet to find out what's really going on. All the best!

The question is how, King! 😄

[greendots]

1 minute ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

The question is how, King! 😄

Hey, how about grabbing a coffee on Friday? Or, how about going to get something to eat on Saturday? I know this incredible burger joint.

How about that? 🙂

[Rose Mosse]

27 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Because I love her ? And it shouldn't be the end of the world? And I asked her one year and nine months ago? And I'm getting the felling that she _does_ like me but is also very shy and she doesn't know how to speak to me or even starting a romantic relationship ? Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Really, this should not be a hard time. If this is such an agony for women, then it is being done wrong. There has to be a way to do this that is not unconfortable.

Let us please consider an hypothesis for now. Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?

You're overthinking this too much. Ask her out again. If she says no, she is not interested. You do not have to worry about colours or shirts. If she says no, you need to respect that and move on. Don't be a weirdo or creep who is constantly pestering her or looking for reasons to contact someone when the other person is not interested. Be respectful regardless of the outcome. 

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Because I love her ? And it shouldn't be the end of the world? And I asked her one year and nine months ago? And I'm getting the felling that she _does_ like me but is also very shy and she doesn't know how to speak to me or even starting a romantic relationship ? Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Really, this should not be a hard time. If this is such an agony for women, then it is being done wrong. There has to be a way to do this that is not unconfortable.

Let us please consider an hypothesis for now. Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?

May I ask you a question? Have you dated much before or had relationships? I'm sorry but you said you're 35 years old but you don't sound very mature or experienced for your age. I completely understand about crushes or infatuation and no doubt they can feel very strong. You are using the word "love" but I don't think that what you feel is actual real love. You don't actually seem to be that close to this girl. To love someone truly you either need to be in a relationship with them where that love grows, or you at least need to be very close with them. E.g. If they're your best/close friend. You don't have any of this with this girl so I very much doubt that you love her.

Secondly, no means no. It doesn't mean yes or maybe. When people say no, they mean it. I'm sure even a shy person wouldn't say "no" when they didn't want to say it. Please stop thinking of this woman is a helpless little fragile butterfly that you need to coax into liking you. It's creepy and insulting. Believe and respect what she said and believe that she's an adult capable of speaking her mind.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Clearly not good advice. No good outcome can come out of this.

It would test your theory about secret signs. Wear plaid for example and she if she does.

Back to the issue. Do you see either of these women in person? 

[PNFSVJXOKD]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you see either of these women in person? 

The first no, she is 350km away. The last time I saw the second in person was in march or april 2020.

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

The first no, she is 350km away. The last time I saw the second in person was in march or april 2020.

So you can't "love" someone you don't even see in person. You have built a fantasy inside your mind and that is what you love.

The clothing thing is you trying to believe your fantasy is coming true.

Are you on and dating sites? Are you dating women locally? Why do you fixate on women who you can't even see in person?

[PNFSVJXOKD]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you can't "love" someone you don't even see in person. You have built a fantasy inside your mind and that is what you love.

I only used the word "love" for the girl that lives near me. I always saw her in person before the pandemic.

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The clothing thing is you trying to believe your fantasy is coming true.

It's a hint. How many times does it take to you acknowledge that it's not a coincidence?

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you on and dating sites? Are you dating women locally? Why do you fixate on women who you can't even see in person?

[1] No, I can't because $Reasons. [2] Also no. I'm very shy and as I said before, being social takes a great effort for me. The only thing I can do is working on improving myself, but I'm planning to start asking my local group of friends for help in meeting women and starting more friendships.

The girl you said I'm fixated on is the one who lives near me, the one who lives far is the one who contacted me and not the other way around.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

[1] No, I can't because $Reasons. [2] Also no. I'm very shy and as I said before, being social takes a great effort for me. The only thing I can do is working on improving myself, but I'm planning to start asking my local group of friends for help in meeting women and starting more friendships.

The girl you said I'm fixated on is the one who lives near me, the one who lives far is the one who contacted me and not the other way around.

Are you working? Are these zoom meetings work related? There are many free dating apps. If you lack the social skills to meet women it will be even harder to have a relationship.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

The girl you said I'm fixated on is the one who lives near me,

But you said you haven't seen her since March 2020. 

How frequently did you see her in person prior to March 2020? And were they social situations? 

Yes, practicing being more social is a great idea.

[greendots]

4 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Look, I have said no before simply because at the time my head was somewhere else. Even though I liked the guy or there could've been potential.

Honestly, stop mulling over this and just ask her out again. See what happens. Otherwise you might miss your opportunity. All the best! 🙂

[abitbroken]

The best cure for shyness is practice.  Is there a toastmasters chapter that meets locally or online where you prepare and practice talking in front of a group about a topic? Or a hobby you like where you can join a group and have something to talk about with people - talking to men, women, people regardless of whether you want to date them or not.

I think saying that her father won't approve is just a crutch. you want to create scenarios in your mind where women are pining for you and WOULD be with you except for a dad, except for shyness, etc, and honestly, if woman was truly interested, talking wth eachother would come so naturally.

Also being quiet does not mean a person is shy.

[waffle]

Honestly I would stop obsessing about "dream girls" and girls who live 200 miles away and focus on finding someone you actually have a chance with.

[waffle]

And how can you even tell what people are wearing on Zoom?  Looking at all those small fuzzy pictures I can barely figure out who is who lol.  Heck they might be naked, how would I know?

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

It's a hint.

No, it is not. You are looking for signals that are not there. This is not how women send "hints" to men anyway. 

Have you dated much before, OP? Local women?

[PNFSVJXOKD]

Hello, I was very busy this week.

Like I said here before, last time I was wearing a black coat with a white shirt. Today we had another meeting, and yes, the girl I love ( let's call her girl B ) was wearing a black dress with white stripes. The trend is still going strong. This time I used something more elaborate, a shirt with flower drawings similar to one I saw her use another time, so if she wants I know she can copy it again.

But with the other girl ( let's call her girl A because this thread was about her ) something strange happened. She messaged me on monday. We texted for a little over an hour, and she even sent me a pic of her. Unfortunately I had to do something else after so I had to end the conversation. On tuesday at night I sent an apology for having to end the conversation and she said there was no worries, but then she went silent, I found it weird she didn't talk more. I didn't want to put pressure on her so I let her be, and I was busy myself.

So I waited until saturday when I was more free and then I sent an hello to her... but she didn't reply anymore, she left me on read... I know she has her meeting today, so I will wait after it's finished to ask her if everything is ok.

But I noticed I started to have chest pains from the day I noticed that Girl B was copying my colors. I started making more exercises (my job is very sedentary), but the pain goes back and forth... I realized it can only be my anxiety of how to talk to her. And can I tell you guys a secret? I know she is copying me because I was copying her before. Like her, I started copying from one meeting to the next, but soon I changed to copy her after two meetings.

Due to the pandemic nobody from our group is having social events. So it's not like I can invite her out for now. I heard her mother caught covid but it wasn't too serious, she didn't need hospitalization.

So my only available option is to message her. Maybe I should talk about having problems with anxiety, it's something we have in common, but of course I don't want to talk only about bad stuff.

[PNFSVJXOKD]

On 9/3/2021 at 1:42 AM, MissCanuck said:

No, it is not. You are looking for signals that are not there. This is not how women send "hints" to men anyway. 

Have you dated much before, OP? Local women?

I understand that my environment may be too foreign to your own. Normally I would agree with you, however our group is a little different from the average group. Dating is something very serious to us, and must have the intention of wedding. Also our meetings are religious in nature and dating outside of it is frowned upon, so I and these girls follow those rules.

I don't really want to turn this conversation into a flamewar about religion, so please don't ask about that.

No, I haven't dated before. There were before girls that were interested in me. Some I simply found ugly, some I didn't recognize they were interested until it was too late, and some showed an subtle initial interest and I tried to slowly evolve a friendship but it didn't pan out, maybe our interests were too different.