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Atlguy

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Everything posted by Atlguy

  1. I've spent 2 years getting to know my wife. Obviously, it takes many years to learn everything, and really we never do. I don't need to be lectured on self improvement either. It's been a lifelong mission. This was no "shot gun wedding".
  2. What a load of crap and completely not helpful. Maybe you should look in the mirror instead of throwing stones at me.
  3. She didn't steal from me, just didn't pay for much and then saved u money while planning to leave me once I told her I wasn't ready to have a child during the recession. So yeah. Might as well have stolen. Left me with all debt and everything. My Dad mismanaged money his entire life and filed bankruptcy months before he died. Left us with nothing. And he also had a Finance degree. I swore I'd never end up that way and I won't! Boltnrun, my attorney told me 4-6 months for work permit. That needs to be the truth. My wife wouldn't even consider working under the table for fear of being deported. As if this administration would deport anyone! No way that happens, but I'm not arguing with her on it.
  4. Yes, I do tend to do that. We talked it out Friday night (argued) and resolved some things. Sure I still have questions. I think what scares me as much as marrying someone who doesn't love me (not that she doesn't) is all the financial risk is on me. And yes, I knew it was, but when the rubber meets the road, it gets real. I'm not saying annulment is off the table, but it is tabled for now. I know it will be tough until she starts working. Hard for me to relax about money given family history and other reasons I won't get into here.
  5. Now this is actually helpful, so thank you. I will follow this. You're right, about 50% of the expenses were anticipated. The rest is stressing me out. It is what it is. Next year when she starts working, I'll be able to rebuild and we won't be on such a tight budget. We're both finance people, so we know how to budget, but also how to not be overly cheap to the point of depriving ourselves joy. So we do have that in common.
  6. Very offensive comments, but what can I expect? Mail order bride she is not. Far from it. Carry on with your judgment though...
  7. Maybe. Here's what I found with online dating...I live in a crappy state. No Latin woman say Miami for example, is going to want to move here. Nor would I move back to south Florida. Additionally, there are many Latins in Texas, but none willing to even drive 3 hours every other weekend for a man. I exhausted these options before going on this journey. Trust me, I've lived in this s-hole 9 years. I've tried it all. I didn't settle on everything, but yes, I did on a few things. Cultural references and humor will never really be a thing as it was for me in past relationships. Thats hard. Sounds small, but its a way of relating and means a lot to me. I didn't settle on values, attractiveness (though of course that fades), honesty, commitment, or trust. Look, I thought I married the perfect woman in 2005. By 2009 we were divorced and she was unrecognizable. I wanted a woman who was seriously committed to me and would love me. Time will tell, but seems I may have found her. But hey, tomorrow I could think differently, as it has been a rollercoaster, and I tend to not like rollercoasters.
  8. I'm thinking a marriage workshop. That could help us immensely in navigating disagreements and cultural differences. It's not that ordinarily we would need 2 incomes, BUT the one time expenses have piled up on top of each other. Also, adding 2 people to my family is costing me way more than I budgeted. We can make it, we just can't take vacations very often and travel in general. No more dining out either. That all may be temporary. SHE WANTS TO WORK. She'll be legally allowed to within 4-6 months. When she does, she can make 6 figures, or close to it. Then is when I find out how committed she is to carrying her weight. As it stands, she doesn't overspend and always looks for good deals on groceries or household things. That didn't change after "I do". Yeah, I'm a bit frustrated, but I do think in time we can get stronger. But wow, what an adjustment. I struggle to connect with her and find things in common. She's also more laid back (why wouldn't she be, no financial stress on her) about it and says she expected the first year to be hard. Nice to know you had a friend who had his first child at 53. That could be me, but I'm about 70/30 against it because of my age. We will see.
  9. She's highly educated (PHD Finance), so she can get a job. The improvements in her English would be proper grammar. It's not broken English, just some adjustments to be made. She says she loves me. She usually says it first, so I have to take her at her word on that. No, I didn't think it was transactional and I really don't think that is or was her intention, but the financial stress on me has been huge. That's without her going crazy with spending (she hasn't). It's lawyers fees and Adjustment of Status so she can work, mostly. Then there's been tons of inflation and unexpected home repairs come up. It's been all at once. Not her fault. But damn, we need 2 incomes!!! But yeah, I settled because I couldn't meet a legit American woman where I live. I relate better to Latin culture, but I wanted an educated woman (not that Latinas aren't, but the ones I was meeting weren't), so this is what I chose. We have common values, but she's just not as family oriented as I would like. The cultural differences are a much bigger challenge than I could have imagined. I settled. We're in a better place today, but who knows how long it lasts.
  10. I did get a prenup, so all set there.
  11. I expected the "I told you so" responses. Its not really helpful, but hey, I asked for it. I take responsibility for being a fool.
  12. She is not allowed to work. I wanted to get the paperwork filed asap as this is a strain on me. Would take 4-6 months for her work approval from when I file it.
  13. There is a bigger language barrier than I realized. But also, when she is upset she withdraws. We're both guilty of that and it becomes a standoff. That said, I worked on this previously. Its just that she is cold and can be unapproachable, so although I don't want to behave like this, I fall right back into it. I plan to discuss it this weekend, but no, since I haven't filled out the next stack of paperwork and paid the $5k in fees for it (I won't if this doesn't change) she would have to go back. I'm just glad I haven't filed that paperwork yet.
  14. I think I know the answer to my dilemma, but putting it out here anyway. I got married 2 weeks ago to a woman I have known for 2 years. She is from Ukraine and was here on a K-1 Visa. However, now it is painfully obvious she's not here for me, but to give herself and son a better life. I mean, I knew that would maybe be a part of her motivation, but thought I was the main reason for her moving here and giving up her rather decent life in Ukraine. Her actions say otherwise. At this point, I'm considering an annulment and sending them back. I hate it for her son as he just started school here and could lose a year of education. Not sure I can wait until end of May and then send them back. Potentially that's 9 more months of unhappiness. I guess there's a chance I'm wrong about her intentions, but I've been putting in all the effort. Maybe if I tell her what I'm thinking/feeling, it will motivate her to put in 100% rather than the 30% currently. I'm not holding out much hope for that though. Quite frankly, being alone is preferable if this continues on it's current course. I'm footing all the bills, planning dates, helping around the house, bought her a car, etc. She's not doing much of anything, and more importantly not making me feel valued or appreciated.
  15. I for one am not judging you for having sex. Clearly you don't make a habit of sleeping with strange men based on what I've read from you. As for where the good men are, I can't tell you that. I couldn't find a good woman where I live, and have asked the same question as to where the good women are. I now realize there are none where I live. People like to suggest things like meetups, but I never had any luck with that. Classes at the gym? That can work for a woman I think. That's all I've got!
  16. You need to internalize this advice. This is exactly how I used to be and still can be at times. I was raised by a negative mother and it has taken a LOT of unlearning and at least trying to be optimistic. Don't end up like me is all I can say. You're young and can turn it around. Once you get older and have been through many unfortunate experiences in life, you can become bitter and negative and people won't want to be around you. Take it from a guy who knows and who is also his own worst enemy.
  17. Agree with above post. It will take you several months to get over him, depending on how deep your feelings were. I'm one of those people who take a long time to recover after a breakup, so I get it. It is easy to reflect on what we did wrong and beat ourselves up. I wrote the book on that. Please try not to do that. Maybe even talk to a therapist to help you through this time. Thats the only thing I can add to the stellar advice you've received here.
  18. Not to sound like a broken record but as others have said, you need actually talk, not just text back and forth. Nobody seems to know how to communicate these days. I used whatsapp when my fiancee lived overseas, but now that she's here, I prefer to call. Of course, our situation is different as we are living together, but I would do that even if we weren't. There had been an 8 hour time difference before she moved here. Anyway, this move to only communicate via text is a huge problem in modern relationships in my opinion. Expecting an instant response is another issue. He sounds busy from what you said. All that said, as others have said, you need to communicate differently. Sounds like he is worse at it than you, and as a man, I get it because that was me. I still struggle with it. He needs to learn how to state what he needs in a healthy way, rather than manipulate you. I think it could be a good idea to do couples counseling, at least for a little while.
  19. One of my best friends is 51 and planning to marry a 23 year old woman. I thought my age gap was big, as I'm 52 and with a 35 year old woman. It concerns me, but then I look at him and others like him and I'm a bit less concerned. My parents were 12 years apart and their crappy marriage had nothing to do with the age gap. They were together 38 years until my dad passed away.
  20. Nichole, it's easier for us to see the obvious signs from the outside looking in. You're young, you could even have more kids if you want, just not with this guy. My brother does the same type of things and his marriage is horrible. I hate the example they're setting for my 11 year old niece. She will need therapy. I'd consult with an attorney if I were in your shoes.
  21. Others have said it. Too many red flags. I wouldn't be interested in someone who was extremely messy, didn't exercise, smoked, and drank daily. No thank you. Not to mention you don't know how often he showers. Why would you have sex with this man???
  22. I can't say I've never thought of another woman during this act, but almost never. I like to be in the moment. And even if I did think of another woman how disrespectful to actually say something! Why not guide the woman as to what you like? I don't get this at all.
  23. Funny how that woks. In high school, all my crushes were Cuban girls. They never noticed me. As an adult, I've dated several and if you find the right one it can be absolutely amazing. As I got older, Latin women seemed to finally notice me, but sadly I never found the right one to marry and left South Florida for Atlanta in my late 20's.
  24. I told myself if I was still single in a few more years I was moving to Medellin, so yeah, I get it!!!
  25. As someone suggested, I'm chiming in. I've experienced this too with women from South America. Never sent any money and have had video chats. Latin had been my first choice when I decided to stop looking where I am, as there's nobody to date here and American woman in my experience aren't willing to do distance. I decided against a Latin woman mainly because I wanted someone more educated than what I was seeing on the websites and someone who could contribute more than just good looks. But I will say I love the culture and their passion, so this was a tradeoff for me. I just wasn't looking for a housewife. Now I've been with my fiancee from Ukraine since November 2019 and she gets here next week. My life is about to drastically change, thankfully, as I'm sick of being alone. I have confidence it will work as we actually did pre-marital counseling and covered all major topics. No guarantees, but I was with my first wife 7 years and that didn't work. I've learned a lot since then which also gives me confidence. I can see if someone is genuinely interested and separate that from BS after being single for 12 years. You need to develop that skill also. That said, there's not enough in your original post to tell me if she's scamming you or not, but it is common.
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