How to win a guy over when you blew him off (kinda) initially? Help

[soconfused89]

Not sure if I I used the proper words to position my question but I’ve known this guy for over a year. We met because he was pursuing me and wanted to date me. I liked him a lot then or else he wouldn’t have gotten my number. Problem was, timing was bad. Literally JUST got out of a relationship and I was really broken. Didn’t realize this initially, but once I kept cancelling dates and not wanting to hang with him, I knew I wasn’t over my ex. So I kinda ended us, but remained friends who spoke to each other sporadically.

 

Fast forward a year later, I’m healed and ready to go. I begin to pursue him and he turns down my advances by making excuses to hang and see me. So I come right out and ask him if he was still upset with how we ended (I explained to him again why. I liked him and respected him too much at the time to screw him over). He told me we were fine, yet continues to blow me off. Finally, 3 months later I ask him again what’s the problem and he tells me that he fears if I wasn’t into him then, I won’t be now and it’ll be a waste of his time. 😔

 

How can I convince him otherwise? His assumptions are NOT true. I truly and honestly spent my year healing and moving on. I didn’t date anyone in between and I wasn’t playing games with him. I’ve said this numerous times. What else can I do? Or is it a lost cause?

[ThatwasThen]

Leave him alone for goodness sakes. He's explained his position to you and he doesn't like you enough to trust his heart to you. He can't get any clearer.

 

I don't know but after a year one would think that he already has someone new but is just not telling you that because he likes the ego boost that your chasing gives him.

 

Take back your self respect and stop trying to convince him. If someone wants you, they don't need convincing. He knows that and is acting accordingly.

[Jibralta]

Finally, 3 months later I ask him again what’s the problem and he tells me that he fears if I wasn’t into him then, I won’t be now and it’ll be a waste of his time. 😔

 

How can I convince him otherwise? His assumptions are NOT true.

 

Despite your honesty with him, it sounds like he is holding a grudge against you for rejecting him when he wanted to date you. If that is the case, nothing you do can change it. Look at it this way: do you want a sore loser who clings to the past, or a good sport who can dust himself off and move on?

[MissCanuck]

His feelings have changed and he's not interested anymore.

 

I don't doubt that he has had reservations about your feelings, but if he kept subsequently blowing you off too, it's because he's just not into you any longer.

 

It's time to step away gracefully and pursue someone who is equally keen to see you as you are to see him. This one's not.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's no longer interested. Let go. People don't hang around and wait for a year. He's probably seeing someone. Find someone where the situation isn't tainted.

Fast forward a year later, I’m healed and ready to go. I begin to pursue him and he turns down my advances by making excuses to hang and see me. So I come right out and ask him if he was still upset with how we ended. he tells me that he fears if I wasn’t into him then, I won’t be now and it’ll be a waste of his time.

[figureitout23]

Good for you!

 

We often advise people to do exactly what you did. Instead of ruining something with potential be honest with the person and let them know you arent ready. You can hold your head high knowing you did the right and responsible thing so kudos to you.

 

Now what?

 

All you can do is talk to him. Let him know you werent ready and didnt want to ruin things, tell him what youre telling us. If he cant respect that hes going to be drama and you dont need that anyway.

[SherrySher]

Don't chase, honestly.

 

You've let him know you were interested in trying again, he is blowing you off. Now you need to let it go.

[DeepPurple88]

Not sure of your ages, but for just about any man of any age, if he's at all interested in you, he's not going to blow you off. (so to speak)

If he was interested in you romantically now, you'd be able to tell. I hear women have that sixth sense.

Anyway - I think all you can do is give it time and see if he changes his mind WITHOUT any manipulation from you.

Just try to be around him (not as a couple) when he's having fun. i.e. go out with him in a group, be fun friends, etc.

Either way - don't stop looking for someone else because you're hung up on him. Your life's dream might just be right around the corner!

[Jibralta]

Not sure of your ages, but for just about any man of any age, if he's at all interested in you, he's not going to blow you off. (so to speak)

 

That's not necessarily true. There are people out there who like drama. They do the push-pull thing until they find someone willing to take ride with them.

 

I don't personally like that ride, but some consider it to be love.

[DeepPurple88]

That's not necessarily true. There are people out there who like drama. They do the push-pull thing until they find someone willing to take ride with them.

 

I don't personally like that ride, but some consider it to be love.

 

Good point! But if that's the kind of man he (or any man) turns out to be, then better left under the bridge! Nobody deserves to be toyed with like that.

[Batya33]

i'm not getting that you were honest with him initially as to why you kept acting in a flaky way and cancelling plans. He is entitled not to want to give you another chance. He may be holding a grudge or he may simply feel that based on your treatment of him he doesn't want to take the chance of a repeat performance and he doesn't trust you. Leave him alone. Please don't try to win him over -either he's interested or he's not and he knows you are interested.

[DanZee]

Well, he was interested in you and now he's not interested in you. It's not a grudge or anything. He got to know you a little bit while he was trying to set up a date with you. He might have just thought you two weren't compatible. Don't take it personally. And now you know how a guy feels when a girl turns him down.

[Capricorn3]

You have explained yourself to him TWICE. He explained how he feels. He KNOWS how you feel. Now it's time to leave it be and stop chasing him and stop pushing him. Step away gracefully and move on.

[abitbroken]

I don't blame him. If you would have told him you just got out of a relationship when he first asked you out maybe he would have still been interested vs continuing to cancel when he started to get invested. I would move on and chalk it up to bad timing. There are other men out there.

[Amalia13]

You are assuming he is the same as he was a year ago. You're not the same, why must he be? People change and some life event could be going on. He was into you back then, but that feeling can go away for no reason at all.

[purplepaisley]

I think that you've expressed your feelings and desires to him, and at this point, it's time to stop. He is not interested in pursuing you any longer or starting a relationship. All you can do now is wait...maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. You need to be prepared for the worst. Don't allow a "maybe" to deter you from seeing other people and perhaps finding someone that is a better fit.

 

I'm going to agree, your past behavior is going to be an issue, blowing him off and treating him not so great...it sounds like it took you awhile to come to terms with what you were doing, and unfortunately that means you stomped on his heart a bit. I'm glad you recognized what was going on and worked to change your behavior, at least for future. The thing is, round two typically doesn't go differently than round one...you walk straight into the same circumstance. That's not to say that things wouldn't be different for you if he gave you a chance, but he's probably already learned that if something wasn't working the first time, it probably won't the second time...there's something there missing. I've taken back more than one "submariner," and it's the same sh**, different day.

 

The only thing you can do now is wait. Hopefully you have opportunities to spend some time together in person, in a group, and maybe he'll come around. It's too bad things work out this way...maybe you'll both be in the right place at the right time in the future; however, for now you have made it abundantly clear how you feel, and there's nothing more you can do.

[catfeeder]

Good for you!

 

We often advise people to do exactly what you did. Instead of ruining something with potential be honest with the person and let them know you arent ready. You can hold your head high knowing you did the right and responsible thing so kudos to you.

 

Now what?

 

All you can do is talk to him. Let him know you werent ready and didnt want to ruin things, tell him what youre telling us. If he cant respect that hes going to be drama and you dont need that anyway.

 

I'm so glad someone saw what I saw. You did the right thing, eventually. Unfortunately, during the course of learning that you're not rebound material, you came off as untrustworthy. As you're also learning, that's not the way to preserve future potential.

 

I'd consider the guy to be a great learning experience. If you ever cross paths and he ~offers~ an appropriate occasion to express regret for the way you handled things, then there's your last shot. But chasing after him to keep 'splaining? You can do that if you want, but the message he's likely to get is that your flaky aversion has mutated into stalker territory.

 

I'd skip that. You're the only one who knows whether your last explanation may have come off as downplayed and a matter-of-fact assumption of entitlement to another shot with the guy, OR whether you were clearly and legitimately sorry for having mistreated him in the past. If you delivered sincerity and he's still not interested, then what should that tell you?

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation where I was in a terribly verbally abusive relationship, took a long time to get over it, and couldn't date a guy who wanted to date me a couple years ago, but now I'm ready to date him, and I think he's moved on. I don't understand why so many responders are acting is if you did something wrong. She was going through a difficult time and she didn't "toy" with anyone... jeez people, put yourself in her position. Hasn't anyone else ever been hurting that it wasn't the right time to enter into a new relationship?

[Batya33]

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation where I was in a terribly verbally abusive relationship, took a long time to get over it, and couldn't date a guy who wanted to date me a couple years ago, but now I'm ready to date him, and I think he's moved on. I don't understand why so many responders are acting is if you did something wrong. She was going through a difficult time and she didn't "toy" with anyone... jeez people, put yourself in her position. Hasn't anyone else ever been hurting that it wasn't the right time to enter into a new relationship?

 

Of course and in that case you communicate that to the other person "thanks for inviting me but I'm not ready to date right now." She instead treated him in a flaky way and kept cancelling.

[katrina1980]

 

Literally JUST got out of a relationship and I was really broken.

 

Didn’t realize this initially, but once I kept canceling dates and not wanting to hang with him, I knew I wasn’t over my ex. So I kinda ended us, but remained friends who spoke to each other sporadically.

 

 

What do you mean you "kinda ended us"?

 

After canceling dates and not wanting to hang with him, what did you tell him?

 

Did you apologize for your flakey behavior explaining you thought you were ready to date, but realize you're not?

 

It's hard to know what his thought process is but if you said anything other than what I just posted, he probably doesn't trust you.

 

Also, a year later he may have completely moved on from any feelings he had for you previously.

[Sportster2005]

It was just bad timing, that's all.

 

Anything you do now to entice him, will have the opposite effect.

 

He's moved on, you need to move on now. There's no bad guys in this story. Just bad timing.