Should I be concerned

[Hollyj]

IDK about that. However, the stressful living situation is we live with her family due to finances. There are 7 adults and 2 children in a 4 bedroom house. No one gets a long at all. I try to speak with her mom and brother, and get straight up ignored, and it bothers my wife that her family treats me that way. When we are at the house she gets SUPER stressed, hence the counselor.

 

I feel that she is having her past brought up in counselling and it is making her want to close loose ends.

 

These are excuses.

[boltnrun]

You are living in the same situation as your wife. Are you also chatting up a former romantic interest? I doubt it.

 

I can't understand why some people use "stress" as an excuse to engage in inappropriate behavior!

[reinventmyself]

I believe if this was an innocent exchange then she should have continued being transparent about it. I understand catching up with someone from your past, but I don't think it needs to be a routine thing.

 

The deal is off the table the moment she starts deleting texts, lying and he professes his feelings for her.

 

He didn't `make' her lie, bytheway. She chose too, several times.

[shessofly]

The point at which his romantic intentions were made known is the point at which your wife should have ended communication. She chose to keep communicating with him and hiding the content of their conversations. That is a problem IMO. She should have been the one to shut him down.

[Mywoo]

Shess, I love my wife, and if there had to be a bad guy, I can be that person. I saw the text came in and immediately started to reply. My wife didn't have the chance to end the conversation to be completely transparent. (I did ask if I could respond and have her proof read the response prior to sending). She has had other men reach out to her before, and she has shut them down really quickly.

 

There are a lot of men that think they are in love with her, and she has ALWAYS respected me and has been open until now.

 

Guys, I really appreciate the feedback, but I dont think this is helping. My choice, trust my wife. She has never done anything to give me the reason to think that she is running around. We took a road trip this weekend for four days, and it was great. She tried reaching out to him a couple of times since he blocked her, but when I asked, she has been honest. (I also know this for a fact).

[MissCanuck]

Should you be concerned? Absolutely, unequivocally - yes. Now would be a good time to step back with your wife and really look at your marriage together. This was an emotional affair in the making, and some alarm bells should be ringing in terms of your relationship with your wife.

 

I am not saying your marriage is in imminent danger of collapsing. But the fact that she was playing with some boundaries here is concerning, and needs to be addressed. You two need to have a very honest talk about what's happened, why she felt it was appropriate to continue talking to someone who professed his love to her, and why she proceeded to hide it from you. She could and should have put a stop to this as soon as she knew he wanted to be with her. She didn't, and you and she need to understand why.

 

Try to use this as a turning point to see where things need to be improved, and if she even recognizes why her behaviour is not conducive to a committed and healthy marriage. The fact that she is continuing to try to contact him after he blocked her should have you concerned, too. Emotionally, she's got an attachment to him.

[Mywoo]

Hey Miss, Thanks for the feedback.

 

My wife and I have had some pretty honest talks over the last 4 days. (We ended up taking a road trip). Just this was still bothering me. I should probably talk to her about it instead of being on this.

[SGH]

Very true. I will say this in her defense, they haven't spoken for 2 years, which was before I was in the picture, and that is a fact. She was incredibly close to his family, like lived with them when they were not romantically involved. They never slept together, which is why he broke up with her in high school over 26 years ago. She said that some things came up during her therapy session that made her wonder of he was still a drunk and druggie, and if she could help. Their romantic involvement was more of a fling and not bf and gf. The lying is concerning. She said it was because I would over analyze it, which I do tend to do. Hence why I am on here.

 

Btw. He also lives like 700 miles away. So they are not meeting up or anything.

 

Mywoo, I agree that you should talk to your wife, but I wanted to point out something you said early in the thread and alert you to my concern. Yes, it was problematic she lied to you about communication and his proclamations of love, but I actually find her desire to involve herself in helping her ex to stop using more concerning. Often, people that have been involved with drug users for an extended period have a difficult time dealing with the baggage of the relationship ending, as they often take the fact that the person continued to use as a personal failing on their part (e.g. why couldn't I love them out of their addiction?). Your wife may have felt like she had the opportunity to right the "wrongs" of the past by helping her ex get clean, since he reached out for support.

 

Keep in mind, none of my speculation excuses your wife's behavior, and I encourage you to keep an open dialogue. I am simply suggesting that there may be complicated emotional factors at play that your wife has not dealt with, and starting the conversation accusatorily may keep her from revealing the reasons behind her actions.

 

I wish you luck with the situation.

[MissCanuck]

Hey Miss, Thanks for the feedback.

 

My wife and I have had some pretty honest talks over the last 4 days. (We ended up taking a road trip). Just this was still bothering me. I should probably talk to her about it instead of being on this.

 

I agree.

 

Find out how she feels about this other man. You've talked a lot about her deceptiveness and poor boundaries (rightfully so) but I think it's also very important that you get to the real heart of the matter, which is if she's developed feelings for him. I believe she has, to some extent, considering she's still trying to contact him even knowing how much that would upset you.

 

Whatever you do, I would not sweep this under the rug and assume it's all resolved because he is far away and he blocked her and she's now being honest about reaching out to him. That's all helpful, yes, but this event has indicated she's emotionally turning away from you. That is troubling, but it can likely be worked out if you both take the opportunity to reflect and have some honest and probably difficult conversations with each other.

[Mywoo]

And I did ask, straight out and not forcefully, and she indicated that he is a close friend that she grew up with and had lived with his family for quite some time. She said that she would reach out to his brothers, but they would take that the wrong way, and his mom isn't on Facebook, so she also wanted to check up on her. Finally. He blocked her 3 days ago and she tried a couple times to reach out, but she hasn't tried in 2.

 

And I am sorry if I sound like I am going back and forth on this. I just want to work it out in my head too.

[Wiseman2]

Why not enlist the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you communicate better and navigate these type of issues. This is a symptom, don't wait until another issue then another.

[Mywoo]

Why not enlist the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you communicate better and navigate these type of issues. This is a symptom, don't wait until another issue then another.

 

Touche. It's just the thought about it. I REALLY don't want to say we have marriage problems, and other than this scenario, I truly don't think we do. We had a fantastic weekend, just her and I on the road, not knowing where we are going to end up next, and had some great heart to hearts. She told me things that she has not told anyone else in her life, and she has had a rough one.

 

She even went to the extent of telling me some things about this guy, and betrayed his trust, that could get some people in trouble from the past just to help me feel more secure about her openness (this was after the lying)...

[MissCanuck]

Why not enlist the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you communicate better and navigate these type of issues. This is a symptom, don't wait until another issue then another.

 

I agree.

 

This isn't something to minimize, and I agree counseling could be a great step. She was playing with fire here; it just so happened you detected the smoke in time.

[nutbrownhare]

Presumably she did not discuss this with a therapist, even if something came up which reminded her of him:

She said that some things came up during her therapy session that made her wonder of he was still a drunk and druggie, and if she could help.

 

It sounds as though your wife has some quite serious issues around boundaries, and her own codependency issues. One of the aims of therapy is to support the client in developing healthy boundaries, and thinking you can 'help' someone who is still choosing to take drugs/abuse alcohol completely flies in the face of that. You don't say how long she has been in therapy, or what her own personal goals are which she may have discussed with her therapist - but wanting to fix someone else at the expense of your own personal growth is a good reason for going INTO therapy in the first place.

 

Though, sadly, most codependents don't.

[Honeycomb8]

This would have been a full on emotional affair if you didn't intervened. What she did was not okay and the fact she lied about it shows she'll def be capable of doing this again in this future. Counselling or divorce. I'd choose the latter.

[SherrySher]

I absolutely agree with nutbrownhare, your wife was completely wrong here.

She was acting sneaky, lying, manipulative when it came to another man. It does not matter how long she knew him for or where they meet or if they know each other's families...none of that matters.

What matters is, she went behind your back, she kept running to another man, she kept lying about it and she has no conscience about it.

 

Should you be concerned? Absolutely! Did you go overboard, NO! She has no right to behaving like this. She showed no respect towards you or your feelings. All she cared about was hers and the man she was talking to.

 

Don't make excuses for her, don't blame yourself. She better smarten up as a wife and as a partner. No one deserves to be with a partner who is being so deceptive.

And she does this with a felon!! What is wrong with her head?

If he needs help, he needs to go see a counselor or a therapist, he doesn't need to cozy up to your wife, and she should know better.

[Snny]

Shess, I love my wife, and if there had to be a bad guy, I can be that person. I saw the text came in and immediately started to reply. My wife didn't have the chance to end the conversation to be completely transparent.

Are you serious? She LIED to you about this guy. This guy clarified his intentions - mentioned to her about getting a divorce with you and then taking YOUR PLACE. Who the does that?

 

She didn’t enforce her relationship boundaries with a FORMER lover after you expressed your concerns. That is a huge marital problem. She kept going TO HIM. Distance or whatever doesn’t cut it. Please look up what emotional cheating is, because that is what your wife is doing. She is sabotaging her marriage with you.

 

She has had other men reach out to her before, and she has shut them down really quickly.

How is she in contact with these other guys? Does she not tell them upfront that she’s married or wait until she gets the attention she wants from them? I’m part of a car club with lots of men, and only one of them went out of his way to try to flirt. That’s suspicious.

 

Guys, I really appreciate the feedback, but I dont think this is helping.

Then what exactly are you looking for? Based on the severity of this problem, you guys got two choices: marriage counseling or divorce. Counseling is you best bet in saving this marriage because this problem is still unresolved.

[SherrySher]

Guys, I really appreciate the feedback, but I dont think this is helping.

 

You know why I don't think you think it's helping? You want us to say that she was okay for doing what she did, that somehow you were wrong and it was your fault.

That your wife is this pristine angel that will never do this again, and it was all innocent.

 

It's just not the truth.

 

She was having an emotional affair. She went to this man and enjoyed it. She wanted to get even closer to him and you shut it down (like any partner would).

She knew exactly what she was doing, she had no remorse and in fact, she did everything she could to excuse it or justify it.

 

But the fact of the matter is, she will lie to you, and hide things from you. I doubt she will stop wanting to contact this other man.

You've got serious issues on your hands with your wife and it's not going to go away just because you choose to ignore it.

[shellyf62]

Why is she reaching out to him again after he has blocked her?

[Lester]

"Did I blow this out of proportion?"

- Nope, not at all.

 

"My wife is upset with me now because he has no one to talk to,..."

- They'll find a way, and even if they don't, she find someone new to talk to.

 

Because the underlying problem is still there.

There's something very wrong with your marriage and this is what is driving her to lie and emotionally cheat on you.

 

If you waste time in denial or bullying, you'll lose your wife.

 

To understand infidelity, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book.)

 

 

btw, "Should I be concerned", yes... VERY CONCERNED.

[Lester]

I should probably talk to her about it instead of being on this.

 

Not really, she'll view most of it as weakness.

Instead, educate yourself!

[SooSad33]

First of all.. HE is showing lack of respect for her being in a relationship..with you.

Second... is not 'love'... he's most likely feeling good with the fact he can vent to her, because she knows him.

Third, she should also respect your relationship and speak up to him - not be all flattered with the crap he's pushing at her.

Fourth ... What happened back in school, many years ago doesn't mean too much. We have all changed big time in that time span.. so, who she knew back then, is not the same now. ( Little she may know?).

 

Try not to be too jealous, as she has no control as to what HE is saying her way.

 

You did say to go ahead and speak with him thru text...so she is.

Maybe you need to back off some and let them talk... especially if this is all they are doing, you do need to

respect her in this as well.

 

Since YOU have now acted- which set her off... what's done is done.

 

Maybe now she can come back down to reality..that she is with YOU. Not this lost dude.

 

Give it a little bit and explain again how that all made YOU feel. How it made you feel small and hurt :(

Hopefully.. and respectfully, she should come around and see that for herself- if she has respect for you & your relationship.

[yatsue]

What?? OP's wife has full control over what he says to her by blocking him herself and not talking to this guy. That should have been the appropriate reaction. Whatever their background is, (friends growing up, she wants to help him, he needs someone) is all an excuse after this guy said the words "let me know when it doesn't work out with your husband" and he "loves" her, so he can get with your wife! He point blank proposed an affair and she is going along with it, instead of shutting it down.

 

My god, people are really defending the wife and this buttmunch! He's a loser homewrecker and she's a cheater. Not physically yet, but if you didn't say something it was going in that direction for sure. End of story. The wife needs serious help with her counselor and the OP handled it beautifully. He was respectful in his texts, with permission of his wife btw, and if the dude was truly a friend he wouldn't have disappeared with his tail in between his legs after receiving it.

 

OP you are being gaslighted big time. It would be an immediate dealbreaker for me, but I understand you are married, have kids, and live with family so are adverse to it. The least she needs to realize is this is unacceptable. Get advisement for yourself too and go together. She needs to stop trying to text him.

[reinventmyself]

 

Try not to be too jealous, as she has no control as to what HE is saying her way.

 

To some extent she encouraged it.

There are always exceptions, but the lines were blurred just enough for him that he would feel comfortable sharing his feelings.

 

Had she kept the friendship in check and let him know exactly where he stood, he likely wouldn't have taken that chance.

They got close enough for him to do so. . So yes, she played a part in setting the tone.

 

That in itself is disrespectful to her marriage. Add in everything and you have mess on your hands.

[Annia]

If they were just talking as in catching up it'd be one thing. And its great that the wife told him she was going to talk to him and stuff.

 

But if someone confesses to a committed person that they're in love with them, the least that person could do is to shut it down respectfully. And then there's the fact that she lied. I don't think this was appropriated at all on her part after she realised he was making love declarations to her and long calls and conversation. It wasn't physical cheating but it looks like an emotional affair and that she liked his attention. That he was an high school ex fling seems irrelevant to me on all this, it's more the fact that she didn't shut it down after it became inappropriate and lied.

 

Maybe you two should go to therapy to address these issues and this unhappiness you say she feels