Boyfriend of 7 years got someone preg while we were on a "break"

[LaHermes]

It is so heart-rending to read this:

 

" I stood by while he "dated" someone, it was only serious and they were sleeping together for about 2 weeks. had known each other about a 5 weeks maybe. It was very depressing for me , i was miserable. "

 

Remember this AJJ.

 

"if it hurts it isn't love". Ever.

 

Don't you think you deserve better.

[Moontiger]

You are dating a Darth Vader boyfriend. That is some who continues to hurt you but who you remain devoted to despite the evidence.

 

From Captain Awkward (look her up, lots of good advice):

 

“Luke, your dad is totally evil.”

 

“There’s good in him. I’ve felt it.”

 

“Luke, he blew up a planet just to make a point.”

 

“There’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”

 

“Luke, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he severed your hand. From your arm. He cut it off.”

 

“Dueling to the death is just how we relate. You wouldn’t understand it. Now that we both have prosthetic robot limbs, it’s only brought us closer together.”

 

“Luke, he lured your friends into a trap so that he could murder them in front of you. We had to be rescued by Ewoks. It was embarrassing.”

 

“Yeah, that was pretty bad, I admit! But there’s good in him! I’ve felt it!”

[boltnrun]

If this is how he treats a woman he "really, really loves", I'd hate to see how he'd treat a woman he doesn't love.

 

So are you willing to commit the rest of your life to a man who will take "breaks" to sleep with other women? If you marry him, will you agree to an open marriage just to keep him?

 

Doing anything, anything at all just to keep a man doesn't make him see the light and become loyal, and it sure doesn't make him respect you.

 

Why don't you see that it's possible to meet and have a relationship with a different man, a man who won't go around having sex with other women just because he's feeling itchy? Don't you want that? Don't you feel you deserve that?

 

Or have you deluded yourself into believing if you just stick around taking all of this mistreatment from this man, someday he will magically morph into the perfect loyal and faithful partner? Because, sorry, he won't, because he doesn't have to when he has you there waiting for him to come back after every adventure, forgiving him for everything and anything.

[Moontiger]

Another point, you are suffering from "magical thinking". That is, thinking something will or won't happen depending on how you feel about it.

 

He was honest with you from the start and had done nothing (such as therapy) to change his feeling. Why would you think he would change when he's done nothing that leads to change?

[Capricorn3]

He tells me himself.. I deserve better and that I should leave him. I just keep hoping the issues he has will go away. I know that he really wants this to work, wants to be happy with me, but he keeps getting these other feelings.. and he has stayed with me fighting it bc he wants me so badly. He really is not an like it seems, he is just very confused and wants two things he cant have together.

 

You are being delusional. He has shown you his true colours, several times. He is not about to change. There is no magical trick whereby he'll change who he is. Quite frankly I believe he should be single so that he can get it all out of his system, because right now, he wants his cake and eat it too, and as you have witnessed, it doesn't quite work that way.

 

I would say do BOTH of you a favour and walk out. Sadly, we all know that won't happen. But that's your choice.

[mustlovedogs]

"if it hurts it isn't love". Ever.

 

 

I get that this seems obvious but it just totally changed my perspective!

[Bikervamp666]

You make too many excuses for this man. Fair enough you said for him to do what he needs to, but did that include starting a relationship which involed emotions with another woman whilst still in a relationship with you? Have you considered what would have happened if things worked out with this other woman? Do you think he would've come crawling back to you if they did?

Men aren't that stupid or confused, after 7 years a man knows if he wants to marry and have children with the woman hes with, he doesnt go off and start relationships with other women.

My feeling is you take people at their word, and in all honesty that's all he's given you, just words.

This man will never change or give you the commitment you want because he doesnt have to. He has no fear of losing you because you've made it clear to him that regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you are not going anywhere. What incentive does he have to get his act together? All his words of love and wanting to make it work, what has he done to better himself and deal with his issues?

Also do you have any proof that this woman was in fact pregnant? Your boyfriend could be grieving a baby that never existed. His reaction also is not one of a man who is afraid to commit.

Your man may seem honest to you but quite frankly he has no reason to lie because you're not going anywhere anyway so not only can he behave like a douche, he can do so without lying to you, because you're not going anywhere.

This is your life sweetheart and nothing will change while you are so desperate to hang on to him.

Take it from an older woman who's been around the block a few times. I'll give you some advice that I know you won't take but maybe someone who reads it will.

In order to save a relationship, you have to be prepared to lose it.

The only way your man will change is if you do. Look up things like applying the 180 in a relationship. You need to concentrate on you. You are too trusting and co-dependand and your man knows it.

Best of luck to you. I hope you don't waste too many more of your good years on a man who doesn't deserve it.

[roxanneng]

AJJ!.

 

Personally, I hate breaks. I am a no-breaker. you can have a day off to breathe but no breaks because i feel like i wont be able to deal with the things that happened during.

You are not a leftover and you should not be treated as one. The man for you will chase you to the ends of the earth and will not want any day to pass him by without you by his side. That is the kind of man you need right now.

 

Seven years of "i want to be alone". Girl please. let him go! free your heart and find yourself. Do not be scared to start over rather be scared of being stagnant.

And if you decide to stay put, then you have to be able to live with the fact that if this happened and he got away with it; then the next break something else would happen and then keep happening and you will not be happy.

 

My opinion.!

Its so easy for me to say because I am not in your shoes, and I know its so hard to leave! but nothing good comes easy

[Ms Darcy]

When you hear this proceed no further:

 

"From the beginning he was honest and told me that there a good chance he'd want to be alone someday. "

 

but as OP says:

"I ignored it pretty much, after the years went by I thought this feeling would go away. It came up a couple times over the years. "

 

I agree that I think your best past forward on this is without him.

[MissCanuck]

You desperately need to re-think your definition of love, OP.

 

And I would say it's in fact you that needs to get out and have more experiences with other people. Then, just maybe, you will see that there are much better-quality men out there who would never treat the woman they "love" the way this guy treats you. You sound inexperienced and totally lacking in self-respect, which is probably why you let this happen in the first place. If you took time away, met some new people and had something to compare this dysfunction to, you would likely see how ridiculous this situation has become. There is a reason your story sounds crazy - it is crazy.

 

I get the sense reading this thread that you aren't going anywhere, so all you can really do is brace yourself for this to happen again. And again. Yeah, maybe he'll get you pregnant too, but will you become a happy family? No. You will be a single mom with a baby daddy that blows in and out of her life. What are you going to do if he gets another woman pregnant but she decides to keep the baby?

 

You're 100% wasting your time, at least if you expect him to become someone he's not and actually fall in love with you and commit to you. That's not going to happen.

[limichelle]

If a guy can't stay because he has to keep finding himself he isn't right for any type of relationship. I feel you have put up with a lot because you are afraid of change. You said you don't want to be alone because you won't find another that lives you like he does. I say be alone because you can find a real and honest and faithful love. First you need to love yourself, I sense you lost yourself in this guy.

 

Now you need to take a moment and look deep inside you. This isn't a happy situation to be in. Yeah relationships take work and can be hard but love should never have to hurt. You are on a hamster wheel reliving his mistakes over and over which is unhealthy.

 

You need to leave for your own well being and focus on picking up yourself off the broken ground he put you on and learn how to recover and mend your heart.

 

Trust me someone worthy and better will come along!

 

You just need to know you yourself are worthy to start off with.

 

Lisa

[ajj]

There are so many "should haves" for my situation, so many more details ... I know it will all sound like excuses for him. I think a lot of you are right based on what I've said so far...

 

It's really hard when writing your story to know what to say and what to leave out, I didn't want to make a huge long post that no one would read so I tried to include the important details as well as I could.

I want to clarify a few things , not for him, but for my self.... bare with me..

 

This is the first and ONLY break we took. We did BREAK UP around year 3 for a few months but neither of us saw anyone else. HE realized he couldnt be without me and WE decided to give it another try bc I felt the same way. The issues he has he has been trying to fight off bc he desperately wants to have a happy, normal life with me.

 

This break we took last October was one we both agreed needed to happen. We both werent very happy with our lives , trying to become more financially independent together, we just couldnt get our together. We both needed to figure some stuff out so thats what we decided to do. I had no idea how it would go or end.

We stayed in touch the entire time just like we would if we were not on any kind of break, bc thats how attached to each other we are, best friends and cant live without talking to one another. ( this was obviously a mistake bc it didnt allow for us to do what we needed on our own and to grow on our own)

 

So he is there (Japan) and I am here(US) (he went to Japan bc he has no family expect his mother who he has lived with his entire life until he met me, Japan is a place he has had deep connections with since childhood, he needed space to be on his own, not staying with his mom,so thats where he went) (we were staying at my moms place at the time so we did not have a commitment to a home, we travel around alot bc we both work from home) This is what I want.. I want to travel..see the world while I am still young have have no commitments, i do not have the desire to get married right now and we are not financially or emotionally ready for kids.

 

He's there and after a few weeks meets a woman out one day and become FRIENDS with her, he tells me about this bc he is so sure they are just friends, they hang out with her friends and they show him around. He showed me a picture of him and a couple of her friends and her, I feel TOTALLY ok with this and trust him that they are all just friends. IF he was having a romance with her then he would not have told me so much let alone showed me pictures...This was not me being blinded or stupid... this was me trusting him and what makes me trust him is the honesty he has displayed since Ive first met him.

He's in a place that is making him feel alive again, he's having conflicting feelings on what to do (stay there, come back) Fast forward to a couple weeks later, she shows that she likes him more than just a friend and makes advances towards him. He goes with it partly bc one of the reasons we took this "break" and the conditions ...from my mouth...were to "do what you need to do to figure this out" So he goes with it, it lasts a couple weeks.. he felt he needed to really feel out the situation and figure out if he wants that life or the one he has had.... he really is not a complete and of course cares for this person bc shes a human being and he wasnt just using her for sex... he feels out the situation there and thinks about his relationship with me and realizes that being with her for that short time made him realize a lot about how good our relationship really is.

He decided he wanted to come back and be with me and after alot of thinking I decided to let that happen bc after all.. thats what i hoped would happen while he was there. OF course i would have rather this happened a diff way without him needing to be with someone else..and sure it sounds like complete BS and like a F'kin Soap Opera. He wasnt trying to start a new relationship with someone and thats not what that was.

 

While on this break.. I was supposed to focus on myself.. my work, my health, my family and friends. I didn't do much of that bc i was too focused on what he was doing bc we were talking all the time. We stayed too close when we really needed to be truly separate for once to be able to do our own thing. We went about it all wrong.

 

To touch on the preg part of this .. Finding out she became preg.. brought everything that happened to the foreground for me again. He is upset about it bc he never thought he would be if he got someone preg bc he knew thats not what he wanted. Once something happens to you , you can feel different. So to find out this happened and she didnt tell him and killed this baby.. as much as i hate to say it,, thats what it was..she was at least 7 weeks... it really shook him to think that actually happened and made him think all these things.. I cant blame him for getting upset,, what kind of human would I be. Abortion is hard and to be a guy and find out that a woman did that behind your back, months ago is a hard concept to wrap your head around. Some of you said "was she really even preg" I have no idea.. will we ever find out.. i have no idea. It's possible and if we found out she lied that would be another episode of this show. What if's ... what if he stayed .what if they kept it.. again another episode. And no point in what if's bc whats done is done. I will say anyway..... HAD she told him... and had he said "no, keep the baby " I'd be out like sauerkraut

 

This will NEVER EVER EVER happen again, if i stay with him. I WILL NOT be a door mat , he will not do this again. I have learned my lesson that I am NOT OK with breaks or the things that may happen during them. I know it may seem incredibly hard to believe me based on this crazy story, but please believe that. I know I am worth more and will not let ANYTHING like this happen again. This was something that I had no idea how it would go or how I'd feel and When i said those words to him.. about going.. I thought I'd be OK with it for some crazy reason i clearly was not thinking.

This was a one time thing and if it ever came up again, him wanting to go off alone, HELL FKING NO. I have done enough for him now at this point and not enough for myself. If i stay with him there will be changes I make in my thinking and the way I handle things within our relationship... I will not be manipulated or talked into something i know is not right

 

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I need time to step back and think about everything. I want to thank ALL of you from the bottom of my heart for the time you took out of your own lives to try to help a stranger. It means SO much to me as I did not know what to expect when I posted initially. I wish i could hug everyone of you and I am grateful to know I have somewhere to go now if I need to vent, or

need help.

[MissCanuck]

He has been clear that he can't commit. It doesn't matter how much he says he wants to; the point is that he doesn't do it.

 

So your best bet would be to stop dealing with "if" and start thinking about "when" - when he does this again, what are you going to do?

[ajj]

He has been clear that he can't commit. It doesn't matter how much he says he wants to; the point is that he doesn't do it.

 

So your best bet would be to stop dealing with "if" and start thinking about "when" - when he does this again, what are you going to do?

 

IF/WHEN he tries to do this again, I will leave him, no questions asked

[LaHermes]

AJJ.

 

From the beginning he was honest and told me that there a good chance he'd want to be alone someday.

 

And he will. Bet on it. Alone as in alone, because there are people who do not suit relationships, and at least he told you so at the outset.

 

That is really the bottom line here.

 

It's rather like putting a horse between the shafts that isn't suited to the job. The horse will kick over the traces and run. It's in his nature.

[MissCanuck]

IF/WHEN he tries to do this again, I will leave him, no questions asked

 

Do you sincerely believe he won't?

[Jibralta]

AJJ, I think you are REALLY fooling yourself. I feel bad for you.

[Ms Darcy]

All we can do is give you advice. If you choose to make bad decisions, that's up to you really.

[abitbroken]

He became very upset about it , crying, sobbing about how his baby was killed. How he never thought he'd feel that way about this. It was EXTREMELY hard for me to see him so upset about this bc of how it happened. I got very upset my self. Thinking all kinds of things.. I want to have a baby with him, not yet, we are not ready. But i want to have that experince and bond with him. So to find out he got someone else preg..even tho it was an accident and she aborted still hurt me deeply and I an unable to be there for him bc my emotions around it all are way to strong. I should say that he told me they used protection and he was very careful, I do believe him bc I know how he is with cleanliness , disease and getting someone preg. I know he wouldnt do anything stupid for those reasons and thus i believe it happened somehow as a mistake.

This just all came out a couple says ago, im still very upset as is he and like i said i cant be there for him bc its so hard for me. The memoirs of it all come flooding back.

 

People often underestimate the grief the father feels when a baby is lost. I think that he needs time to process this and for your own good, you should walk away.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but wouldn't you want to be with a man who not only loves you, but feels that he doesn't want to live his life without you - this man does not feel that way. he keeps leaving you. And you keep allowing yourself to be walked over. If he is 35, he is not a 21 year old college student who has had the same girlfriend since 15 and wonders if he should stay with her or not - he is a grown man now - and will continue this cycle of coming and going.

 

It has nothing to do with your qualities - its something about him that only wishes to have someone to fall back on

[SherrySher]

At this point Ajj..the only advice I can give you is to please watch out for yourself.

I know you want so badly to believe that he won't get curious again about other women and that he will stay loyal to you but he has already shown you that he has a difficult time committing to one woman and not getting bored.

Whatever decision you make, I hope you care more about not letting his needs and wants hurt you, ever again. He has done things that a partner should never do, or ever consider doing to someone they love.

I hope you sincerely remember that and don't let yourself get emotionally dragged along by this man.

[KantSleep]

Do you want to get married and have kids? You don't want to lose that opportunity if you want that - because he can't commit - and you aren't getting any younger. Not trying to be rude, just saying what you want out of life matters.

[ajj]

Quote Originally Posted by ajj View Post

IF/WHEN he tries to do this again, I will leave him, no questions asked

Do you sincerely believe he won't?

 

 

I question it, he very well may feel that way again and say he needs to be alone. I can not go through that again, if it comes up I will have to walk away if i havent already. I went through it once and that was enough to show me that I don't want that and will not do it again.

[ajj]

AJJ, I think you are REALLY fooling yourself. I feel bad for you.

 

I may be , i would feel bad for me too , I do

[ajj]

At this point Ajj..the only advice I can give you is to please watch out for yourself.

I know you want so badly to believe that he won't get curious again about other women and that he will stay loyal to you but he has already shown you that he has a difficult time committing to one woman and not getting bored.

Whatever decision you make, I hope you care more about not letting his needs and wants hurt you, ever again. He has done things that a partner should never do, or ever consider doing to someone they love.

I hope you sincerely remember that and don't let yourself get emotionally dragged along by this man.

 

 

Thank you . I will look out for myself and like I responded to someone else. If this comes up again and he wants to go off and be alone I will have to walk away , if i havent already. I learned that I am not ok with it during or after and I wont let it happen again.

[abitbroken]

Quote Originally Posted by ajj View Post

IF/WHEN he tries to do this again, I will leave him, no questions asked

Do you sincerely believe he won't?

 

 

I question it, he very well may feel that way again and say he needs to be alone. I can not go through that again, if it comes up I will have to walk away if i havent already. I went through it once and that was enough to show me that I don't want that and will not do it again.

 

walk away now. What happens if you marry this guy and with small children to care for, he decides he needs to be "alone" because he feels too much pressure raising a family. It will be worse then. If a guy needs a break from me - its a breakup (i am not talking needing to go out of state to be with a dying parent or child for a month, etc., or work tells him he needs to go away for three weeks for training) . I don't want to be with anyone who is not ready for a serious relationship. If he needs to play the field - he doesn't get to come back. If you stay with him you are rewarding him for his behavior and he may eventually blame you for losing the baby because he may say if he would have stayed with her and committed, he would be a father - but he made the mistake of coming back.