Boyfriend of 7 years got someone preg while we were on a "break"

[ajj]

He became very upset about it , crying, sobbing about how his baby was killed. How he never thought he'd feel that way about this. It was EXTREMELY hard for me to see him so upset about this bc of how it happened. I got very upset my self. Thinking all kinds of things.. I want to have a baby with him, not yet, we are not ready. But i want to have that experince and bond with him. So to find out he got someone else preg..even tho it was an accident and she aborted still hurt me deeply and I an unable to be there for him bc my emotions around it all are way to strong. I should say that he told me they used protection and he was very careful, I do believe him bc I know how he is with cleanliness , disease and getting someone preg. I know he wouldnt do anything stupid for those reasons and thus i believe it happened somehow as a mistake.

This just all came out a couple says ago, im still very upset as is he and like i said i cant be there for him bc its so hard for me. The memoirs of it all come flooding back.

 

People often underestimate the grief the father feels when a baby is lost. I think that he needs time to process this and for your own good, you should walk away.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but wouldn't you want to be with a man who not only loves you, but feels that he doesn't want to live his life without you - this man does not feel that way. he keeps leaving you. And you keep allowing yourself to be walked over. If he is 35, he is not a 21 year old college student who has had the same girlfriend since 15 and wonders if he should stay with her or not - he is a grown man now - and will continue this cycle of coming and going.

 

It has nothing to do with your qualities - its something about him that only wishes to have someone to fall back on

 

He doesnt keep leaving me... we have been together for over 7 years. We broke up once for 3 months , that was both us wanting that . This time was supposed to be a "break" , I learned a lesson from this. I know he is very confused and going through things that i will never understand. I know he doesnt want to live life without me which is why he keeps staying and trying to make it work. Trying to ignore the things in his head that make him want to be alone. Whatever ends up happening I will not put my self in that "break" situation again, I will not allow myself to go through that again, once was more than enough.

[MissCanuck]

What do you want out of your life, OP? I mean that as a sincere question.

 

Do you see yourself marrying? Having a family?

[abitbroken]

He doesnt keep leaving me... we have been together for over 7 years. We broke up once for 3 months , that was both us wanting that . This time was supposed to be a "break" , I learned a lesson from this. I know he is very confused and going through things that i will never understand. I know he doesnt want to live life without me which is why he keeps staying and trying to make it work. Trying to ignore the things in his head that make him want to be alone. Whatever ends up happening I will not put my self in that "break" situation again, I will not allow myself to go through that again, once was more than enough.

 

ok i got the impression that it was more than once. ,my mistake.

 

There is a difference between wanting someone to be your wife vs not wanting someone to not be in your life. If his answer in that long of a relationship is wanting to break away form you - he is really sincerely wanting to break up - there is something missing = but he doesn't want anyone else to have you and doesn't really want to lose touch forever. He wasn't spending time away to go to rehab or to decide whether he wanted to break up or commit to you - his eye was caught by someone most likely. Maybe you and I are different. But i think I am worth a heckuva lot more than that. If you ultimately wanted to get back together, so be it, but you should not have taken him back so quickly.

[DancingFool]

......OP....pick up the book called "He Is Just Not That Into You"...it might help you open your eyes and get out of this denial mode you've been living in for the past 7 years......or not..... Don't think anyone can really say more than all that's already been said when you will defend and deny so adamantly even though.....deep down....I know that you know you need to get out. I just don't know what we can say that would give you the strength, the courage....or just make that light bulb go off in your head....

[TheRawTruth]

OK wait. When you said "Go do whatever you want", and he dated another girl, you're saying that wasn't a breakup? He was dating her while you were still his girlfriend? (Not judging, just asking so I know what's going on.) If so, why not just tell him to do that and be single? Because if you were still technically his girlfriend, what would have happened if he'd developed strong feelings for her and made HER his woman? Nevermind. I'm just thinking out loud. Onto your problem...

 

Are you seeking advice on how to BE there for him, or how to make things WORK with him?

 

If it's the former (comfort him over the abortion thing) you can't, because your own emotions are preventing you from doing so. (Unfortunately.) All you can do is try to get through it.

 

If it's the latter (making the relationship WORK), I have a question: Have you ever thought of just having an open relationship? (Seriously, think about it.)

 

You already allowed him to go and "sew his wild oats" a couple different times now, but there's always been a lot of emotion and anger along WITH that decision. Maybe after all of these abortion emotions die down, you can sit him down and have a long talk. Talk about the idea of being his girlfriend, while he has his fun with other women. That way, he's getting whatever he feels he's missing from THEM, and he still has his loving relationship with YOU. (And you still get to be with him too.)

 

I know that appears to be a sh**ty idea, but you were KIND of doing that ANYWAY. Why not do it OFFICIALLY so he's NOT choosing, but simply DOING BOTH? If you can get your emotions in check and get on board, it could possibly work until he's bored with it and only wants YOU. (For GOOD.)

 

If you can't do that, I'd suggest you two make a clean break.

 

If you two want different things, there's only two solutions.

1) Try to want what the other person wants and make it happen.

2) Break up.

 

You CANNOT have a good relationship if you both are on completely different pages.

[Knight2001]

the clock is ticking on our life here. so far you have wasted 7yrs of it on this loser.

you need to get rid of him. what would have happened if he stayed with his fling an extra month or so and found out she was pregnant? im guessing he might not have come back to you.

i dont want to be harch but it seems to me he's on the look out for something/someone he thinks is "better".

the fact of the matter is, you deserve better, a lot better.

you need to get rid of him ASAP. then you can start again and hopefully find someone who wants you.

good luck and be strong.

[scheme]

You are so scared of being alone. You have let this man run off whenever he gets bored of you to have sex with other women. Cut him off. He clearly needs to be out in the wild for a few years. Set your own boundaries. Find someone that wants to be with you and only you.

[Anon107]

The fact that he is so caught up about this baby, and maybe subconsciously the woman who he got pregnant, is not cool. If this were my boyfriend I think he would be relieved. It's weird that he is expressing the emotions that he is. Ditch him while you have the chance. People don't change and the way he is treating you/reacting is awful. He doesn't not care about you. Leave! NOW!

[ajj]

You'll all be happy to hear that we are breaking up I am leaving. This should have happened a long time ago. He needs to be alone and get his mind right and obviously cant do it while being with me like we both hoped. I am beyond heartbroken unsure of how or when I'll be ok again

[boltnrun]

No one is "happy" you're heartbroken.

 

I AM happy you won't have to worry constantly if he's going to decide he wants a "break" again so he can go have sex with other women.

[Seraphim]

Were you ok before meeting him? If yes, you will be ok again.

[Jibralta]

I am very sorry, because I know how painful it must be. But I think you are doing absolutely the right thing!! Even though you feel horrible now, you are giving yourself the chance to be happy in the future. In a relationship with him, you had ZERO chance of being happy.

[ajj]

Were you ok before meeting him? If yes, you will be ok again.

 

 

I was yes, but ive always been in co-dependent relationships. I haven't been alone in a long time and it feels really weird to me. I feel paralyzed not knowing what to do, Im OK when I'm with people but once I'm alone the panic sets in I'm not sure I know how to or can handle it.

[boltnrun]

What is it about being "alone" that is so frightening to you?

 

I've been "alone" for a long time now and nothing awful has happened to me.

[ajj]

What is it about being "alone" that is so frightening to you?

 

I've been "alone" for a long time now and nothing awful has happened to me.

 

I'm not sure exactly, I've never liked being alone, I dont even like to go do stuff alone, not even running errands. Of course all of this is heightened when I'm going though something like this and am depressed. I guess I don't like being around my self.. or something. I don't hate my self or anything. For example I was with a really close friend earlier today and was mostly OK, as soon as I got home i became depressed, anxiety kicked in, its almost like im forced to face whats going on and how it makes me feel and that scares the hell out of me. When I'm out and around people I can mostly block it out. Im scared of meeting someone new and going through all of that again. I don't know what to do with myself or where to start to get on the right track. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I work from home right now but I dont make enough to support my self, i really don't want to give up on my business and get a crappy job that will make me hate my life. I just feel really stuck, lonely and scared with the security of him.....

[LaHermes]

AJJ:

 

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You have to face life, and your own thoughts and your own company. I assure you it will be all right. Perhaps you need to seek help for your panic and anxiety.

 

"Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action

by Susan Jeffers .

 

The worst fear is fear of fear itself.

[ajj]

AJJ:

 

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You have to face life, and your own thoughts and your own company. I assure you it will be all right. Perhaps you need to seek help for your panic and anxiety.

 

"Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action

by Susan Jeffers .

 

The worst fear is fear of fear itself.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head. I don't face anything. I block things out hoping they will just better. Just like I did with him wanting to be alone. It never goes away if you block it out