How come I can't magnify the good?

[Naomi99]

+1

 

The trip-guy is a total free-loader and lacks some basic manners. What he does it to heap blame on you, so that he feels guilt-free. Or else he is trying to manipulate you to feel guilty and take him back...so that he could keep on emptying your fridge and even worse, eat tacos in your bed. You are in your house, you set the rules. If the rule says no tacos in bed, then it is not tacos in bed. I would not allow other people, no matter who they are-friends, my son, my aunt, or a boyfriend to dirty my bed. And has the nerve to protest and blame you for not seeing the good in him? What good?

 

The only problem I see is you Naomi have a good instincts, but you do not trust them. You make a decision, you act on it, and then you come back to revisit your decision and torture yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself, girl? Just do what you do, and quit question your course of action. Trust your instincts.

 

I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

 

I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

[boltnrun]

Can clean sheets hold you and tell you you're beautiful and wonderful? Can't they be WASHED??

 

Can granola bars get rid of the rodent in your kitchen for you? Can they take you on a road trip?

 

I will tell you, however, I cannot live with a slob. Absolutely cannot STAND it when someone leaves clothes on the floor.

 

I used to date a guy who stayed over at my apartment every weekend, and after he showered he'd come strolling out of the bathroom, then he'd just drop his towel on the floor and leave it there. And he actually told me he expected me to WANT to clean up after him. After all, he told me, OTHER "girls" loved to clean up after him!!! He brought me his dirty laundry one time and, again, expected me to want to wash it for him. And he again said OTHER "girls" LOVED to do his laundry for him! He got really mad when I told him he was perfectly capable of operating the washer and dryer himself. He never brought his laundry over again. Jerk. And he DID do nice things for me but his arrogance turned me off so I left him anyway.

 

It's all in what you are willing to tolerate and how you feel about the other person. And if the good outweighs the bad.

[reinventmyself]

From the go I don't think you put very much thought or time into entering into a relationship with this guy.

 

You so much as admit it.

 

You didn't know him but wanted to be somewhat carefree and possibly reckless and go on a trip with a stranger.

A lot of us advised you otherwise. Maybe not because you would end up in a body bag but maybe more so because nothing

good comes out of rushing things. . .well the majority of the time

 

I can save you some money on the therapy visits and challenge you to take your time your next time up to bat.

Be disconcerting and get to know someone before you cross the line again.

 

I can't help but wonder if you actually took your time and dated this guy for a couple months

instead of agreeing to the fast track - insta relationship, you might have seen some clues or red flags

that might have caused you to bail or at least slow down to take in more information.

 

Guys like him a dime a dozen. They are very charming and sweep you off your feet.

They are so busy bamboozling you with trips and canoes in the moonlight they

hope you'll miss the things that make him a not-so-very-good choice in a partner.

 

I also think you are being awfully hard on yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

 

I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

 

It's not a bad idea Naomi. Perhaps you can clarify with the therapist what your concerns are.

 

I personally think (given the past relationships you've posted about) a significant part of your challenges trace to the fact only a certain kind of guy really even floats your boat. And those guys push around baskets of red flags.

 

So if you only like toads, what do you do? Maybe look inward a bit more so you can open yourself up to slightly better ... frogs.

[boltnrun]

Ms. Darcy, that is exactly why I took time off from dating.

 

I kept being attracted to the same type...backward baseball cap, dressed younger than they should have, used drugs, didn't really have a job, lots of ex drama, hard to pin down...I would just go nuts for these guys.

 

Unfortunately, the only decent guy I ever dated was my ex husband...and I was wrong for him (and him for me) in so many ways.

 

So I really want to want a decent guy like my ex husband who I am also attracted to physically. And changing who you're attracted to takes work and time.

[Naomi99]

Everyone contributing to this post is so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you all. We don't even know each other but you've taken the time to read my long-winded posts and share your experiences and thoughts. Been so depressed lately..your comments and posts are the highlight of my day.

 

Bolt…taking a break from dating isn't going to solve anything. It's my habit to do that with each failed relationship anyway, but look where it's gotten me. Trip-guy is the first serious guy since the doctor, and he was 1.5 years ago! I'm still in the same boat posting away on ENA!

 

2017 goals: Therapy, learning to trust my instincts, and gratitude countdown before sleepy time.

[Naomi99]

From the go I don't think you put very much thought or time into entering into a relationship with this guy.

 

You so much as admit it.

 

You didn't know him but wanted to be somewhat carefree and possibly reckless and go on a trip with a stranger.

A lot of us advised you otherwise. Maybe not because you would end up in a body bag but maybe more so because nothing

good comes out of rushing things. . .well the majority of the time

 

I can save you some money on the therapy visits and challenge you to take your time your next time up to bat.

Be disconcerting and get to know someone before you cross the line again.

 

I can't help but wonder if you actually took your time and dated this guy for a couple months

instead of agreeing to the fast track - insta relationship, you might have seen some clues or red flags

that might have caused you to bail or at least slow down to take in more information.

 

Guys like him a dime a dozen. They are very charming and sweep you off your feet.

They are so busy bamboozling you with trips and canoes in the moonlight they

hope you'll miss the things that make him a not-so-very-good choice in a partner.

 

I also think you are being awfully hard on yourself.

 

Love this.

 

If I dated trip-guy at a slow pace, I would have learned he stole fruit and granola bars at six months out instead of three months in.

 

I still think that trip was one of the most beautiful and surreal trips of my life. And no, there were no drugs involved.

[notalady]

I think it's very simple. One word. Incompatibility.

 

I had two ex's (one when I was late teens early twenties and one from a couple of years ago) had thought I was too uptight / fussy about things. The ex from when I was younger, would throw banana / orange skin outside the bus window, I asked him why he did that, pointed out he's littering, he said it was fruit skin, biodegradable (*bang head on wall*). There were many things like that, his general lack of manners and carelessness that annoyed me very much. I was too young to realise, we were just not compatible. We broke up of course. My more recent ex was only for 6 months, similarly, there were a lot of small things about him that annoyed me a lot too. Or just...didn't sit right with me.

 

When many small things doesn't sit right with me, that's when I know we're not compatible.

 

Both ex's liked to tell me to relax. Um, no thanks, I don't need to relax. To them, the small stuff don't matter. To me, it matters, but of course only to the extent that it's telling me if we have similar values and whether I can live with someone's habits and behaviour (deep-seated, likely unchangeable) for the rest of my life.

 

And with yet another ex, it was the complete opposite, every little thing I do seemed to annoy him. He was constantly pointing them out, I was always apologising for something. Well...basically for being myself.

 

Instead of trying to figure out what's wrong with me (hint: nothing), I just go on to find someone more compatible.

 

None of this happens with my current boyfriend. I mean sure, after 1.5 years together, on a more cranky day, something he normally does might suddenly seem annoying / I lose patience. But generally, nothing. And he feel the same way about me.

 

Without knowing you personally, I tend to lean towards the simple answer of... go find someone you're actually compatible with.

 

The bending over backwards and unable to effectively communicate issue, that's seperate to this.

[East4]

I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

 

I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

 

Take heart, Naomi. The right decisions are almost always the most difficult to take and the most painful to implement. The pain is associated to the loss-the loss of routine, physical comfort, the loss of dreams for the future. The pain is not associated with the correctness of the decision to break up in the face of numerous facts that you haven't been treated respectfully. The easy way to discern the source of the pain is to ask yourself the question - can I live with how he's been treating me for the next 5 years? If the answer is NO; then you know you took the right decision, déspite of the hurt. Again the pain is due to loss of something familiar. Many women who break up with abusers experience pain, regardless of how horrible the relationship was. These women too, confuse the source of the pain and often go back to the abuser, because they think if the decision to break up was right, then it should not hurt. Wrong.

 

When you learn to trust your instincts, implement decisions that you feel are true for you and move on with confidence, despite of the residual pain, you will find empowerment, self-respect and peace of mind.

 

The trip guy has been to third-world countries. He should have learned there, that it is NOT OK to take away somebody's food without asking permission. Food is personal and scarce resource. And if you take somebody else's food without their knowledge, then this person won't have food when they need it. Is this how he has been treating people in the third-world countries? Eating food that was not his?

You are not living in a third-world country but the effect is the same in this particular case-you are in a hurry for work in the morning and when you reach for a grnola bar, you find out that mister Big Heart has taken the last one without telling you. Result=Naomi stays hungry.

He might be a double PhD in the intellectual domain, but as long as emotional intelligence goes-he is illiterate.

[ParisPaulette]

Personally Naomi, I think your issue isn't saying no or being rough with ill-mannered people. I think it's that you let them get such a toehold so fast in your life in the first place, and then you don't speak up right away and establish boundaries.

 

Tacos in bed? I don't care if he ticks every box in my little lexicon of perfection, that man and no one, no not even my kids, get to eat a sloppy, delicious, crunchy crumb and grease generating meal in my.bed. My dogs have better manners than this guy, seriously. And I mean that. They ask me if they can get up on the bed with me. A paw, a gentle whine, a please. Eat in my bed? None of them would ever do that. They don't eat in their own beds.

 

So why the flip does a human think he has a pass on basic manners that even a rescued dog has???

 

I already told you this guy was acting like a mooch, and now consider this Exhibit B. When they're a grown-a## man or woman they know about manners, don't care how rough their childhood was, unless you've been raised literally by wolves you know about such things. And if you choose not to have them then you don't get to be in my life, period.

 

And yes, I have had to end things with people who could not be mindful or respectful or have manners. What you're describing is not a "Honey, if you take the last drop of milk, please don't put the carton back in the fridge." We're talking "I don't care how much I crap up the place you sleep in and I feel completely entitled to come over to your place and massively raid your fridge, so I don't have to spend my own money for food."

 

In no one's universe that I know would that be okay or "oh let's give him a pass on that, because he kisses real good." Screw that.

 

You did good dumping the boy. And that's where I think your problem lies. You are a bit of a people pleaser and you seem to feel bad about standing up for yourself and having standards. This guy rush insta-relationshiped the crap out of you. You let him have full access to your house when you should have still been dating him outside the home, as in going on real dates, and getting to observe if he's thoughtful and kind to others or if he complains or thinks it's funny that he steals his coworkers' lunch and they get mad. (Something I would bet hard money on that this one does.) And then deciding months down the road, "Okay, he's been able to behave himself in public, he isn't a jerk to people around him, maybe now it's time to see how he does in my home."

 

It's great you're going back to therapy, but please Naomi tell your therapist, "I don't enforce boundaries, I rush things, then when I do assert myself I feel bad about it and/or go into overkill a bit." Although frankly I think the guy needed to be told off.

 

Tacos in bed? Jeez, what's next, is he just going to start peeing in the corner 'cause he's too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.

 

Again, this is not something even my dogs do. If an animal has better manners than a human, you know there's a problem. And Naomi, it's not you.

 

Start learning to stand up for yourself more, not less. Don't let people have such free access to your house and your goodies. And understand it is your house, your rules. If moochers and those without manners don't want to be a part of it, because you enforce boundaries that is actually a good thing. And yes, you will have to pass up a lot of people. I'm sorry to tell you that, I had friends joke about Paris needing to install a turnstile in her front door when I was dating, because I said no to a lot of people.

 

But the fact is I was asserting my boundaries, my standards, I insisted on manners, and I finally found the guy who has them. He would be equally grossed out at the idea of tacos in bed. Or anything. I mean, (throws up hands) you sleep in those sheets. Why have food in there to attract bugs????

 

Full disclosure, when my youngest son turned 13 he decided he didn't have to follow Mom's antiquated rules. So he started sneaking food into his room and hiding the wrappers and plates under the bed. He'd clean everything else, so it always looked good. The went on for about three weeks, before he came to me with a line of bites along his back. I freaked out, went into his room, found a total mess under the bed and (please don't scream) ants, roaches and a bevvy of spiders who'd taken up residence under there, because they learned they could snack on the bugs that began going into my son's room to eat the leftover food that was under the bed. Yeah, he had a whole little ecosystem down there in less than a month, maybe three weeks.

 

And that dear people is why it's a really good idea not to have food in places where you can't control the mess and you don't want bugs showing up in the place where you sleep. Seriously, if this guy has really been to third-world countries I find that hard to believe, because most of them are really huge on manners. More so than the United States. They also know being a slob leads to things like ants and other critters you don't want in your living and sleeping areas.

 

My two cents, go take some assertiveness classes. Ask your therapist to role play or give you assignments to complete on gently asserting boundaries and slowing it down with these guys and getting rid of the people pleasing instincts that make you overgive and then resent doing so. It will help you tremendously. But in your house, yes you are well within your rights to insist others show manners. Or they don't get invited back and you move on to find people who can actually show some restraint and manners.

 

P.S. I take back the comment about wolves, they have more manners than many humans and assert boundaries better too. So nah, this guy's problem is he was raised by a mom who said, "Whatever you want sweetie," and no one ever told him his manners suck. But they do. He'd have been better off raised by wolves, come to think of it.

[catfeeder]

Bolt…taking a break from dating isn't going to solve anything. It's my habit to do that with each failed relationship anyway, but look where it's gotten me. Trip-guy is the first serious guy since the doctor, and he was 1.5 years ago! I'm still in the same boat posting away on ENA!

 

While I agree that taking time away from dating is a good idea, it's a mistake to view it as some guarantee that the next guy with potential you meet will necessarily be the right match for you.

 

Wrong matches will always be the majority, because most people are simply NOT our match. When we don't get clear about this, that's the perfect setup for disappointment and a lack of trust in our own judgment.

 

It's reasonably easy to identify blatantly bad matches and walk away from those. It's the puzzle pieces that are 'almost' a good fit that take some time and investment to figure out. The problem comes when the investment trumps a realistic assessment. Then when reality creeps in, your habit has been to blur that and come out sideways over stuff that's more 'safe' to get annoyed about.

 

I can appreciate your fear of that habit interfering with a future 'right' relationship, so address the habit and learn the art of negotiation. Successful couples learn how to do that rather than allowing themselves get bent out of shape over some arbitrary 'should' they've assigned to another person.

 

This has been the common theme to everyone's advice to you over time: learn how to speak about the changes you'd like someone to make. The easiest way to do that is to offer them something equally as valuable to them--a change YOU are willing to make in a fair trade. It could be a reward, such as offering to cook a special meal or whatever else they might want as a bribe, or it could be a change to a behavior that you do or don't do, which drives him crazy.

 

Point is, passivity and 'shoulding' will always get you the same result--whether it's with someone you legitimately love, or whether it's with a jerk who you're better off without. Kind negotiations allow you to tell the difference, because a good lover will be on board with pleasing you and being pleased in return, while a jerk will just keep grabbing your cake.

 

goals: Therapy, learning to trust my instincts, and gratitude countdown before sleepy time.

 

Great list. I'd add, 'learning to negotiate,' and you can start that process with the people in your life you trust the most.

 

Head high.

[reinventmyself]

It's also been a life lesson for me that I no longer need to wait or stay too long so I would ultimately despise everything about them.

 

Yes, it sometimes makes the break easier, but the drama and damage on the way to get there is just messy and totally unnecessary.

 

I am now able to walk away from someone I care dearly about when I know we aren't a match.

 

I have cried about it and missed them terribly. At some point I have even ran back because that was the quickest way to make the bad feelings stop. But the problems were still there waiting for us.

 

Now, at this age I can leave someone I love. Because, after all no one is all bad.

We can get hung up and nostalgic when we are grieving and in those moments second guess ourselves that we made a horrible mistake (sound familiar?)

 

But after a lot of practice, some I wish I didn't have to recount. . I know now I can walk away when we aren't compatible. That's a good enough reason. I don't care how cute he is.

[Cheetarah]

I don't trust my instincts one bit. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling miserable with most of these relationship decisions I've made.

 

I just called my old therapist and requested sessions.

 

Naomi, I am so with you here. It's practically verbatim what I said to my therapist tonight. I know about my judgment with some things, but this...Different story.

 

I find myself being rather seinfeldish - Eat the peas one at a time with fork, write them off, etc. I can find any reason to write someone off in order to protect myself. This is rather polar from before, where there were BIG NEON SIGNS saying get out, but I was like "no, this is good, square peg in round hole, it'll work."

 

I mean, no one even knows that I am seeing someone, have been for some time - That's how wishy washy I am about this stuff. But I freaked out and basically flew the coop - This came after a rather vulnerable conversation for me and I...had no idea what to do. Instead of fight, I picked flight. There was nothing threatening about that conversation other than my paralyzing fear that somehow, that was going be sharpened into ammo to use against me later. This is some ugly baggage I picked up in my marriage and evidently, I haven't shed it. But I didn't really know that until I drew closer to someone.

 

I apologized this evening for doing that, hoped that the conversation I had with them prior to this at least lent some assurance that it seriously wasn't them, it was me even though it was cliche. Although they were responsive, there's clearly hesitancy there and I don't blame them - Actually, I think it's very healthy. They should be wary of that. If it's done for good, then it is. But at least I know where I stand...with myself.

 

I think it's a really good idea, Naomi. Wish you luck.

[annie24]

How to stop sabotaging my relationships with the small stuff?

I'm going to wake up one day and realize I'm all alone because I couldn't handle someone dipping his finger in my cake.

 

Coming in late to this thread.... I think that the problem with this guy is that he was, in general, not very thoughtful. From dipping his fingers in your cake, to letting you buy all the groceries, to taking fruit from someone else's fruit bowl to take home without asking, he just didn't seem like a really thoughtful man. Maybe he did do some nice things for you, or showed thoughtfulness in different ways (you said he fixed a lot of things around your house?)

 

I think in the future, you should have the conversation with a guy (if it happens again) when you point out, nicely, the behavior you would like to have changed. Like, "I really don't like it when people eat off my plate without asking." If he continues to do it, you might reconsider if he doesn't listen to you in general.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[Batya33]

Hello, Naomi. For what it's worth, I started counting things I appreciate some time back as a substitute for sheep. Not teasing.

 

It didn't work against insomnia, but I realized with belated astonishment that it had a profound effect on my perspective on the world, at large.

 

I realize that it sounds awfully simplistic, but I kind of suspect that is why it had the effect on me that it did. I didn't dig any deeper than rattling off the single-sentence notations to myself, and after hitting triple digits in the wee hours when I was using it as a random listing device (and come to think of it, I really wound up scrabbling for every, little bitty infinitesimally teensy gratitude I could possibly find to even get to double digits: 'um, let's see - I liked the.. Er, smell of the air.. Unexpectedly crisp for a summer evening.. On my walk earlier. And, hmn.. I also didn't trod in anything icky on same walk, which was just super..') I was sort of stuck noticing the most basic things, but I still do it and it still makes me feel better.

 

Hope this helps, even remotely. Good luck.

 

I do the same and I think the small things actually make us realize how silly it is to focus on the negative small things.

[Naomi99]

Trip-guy and I haven't been in touch for about two weeks. I've been doing my own thing with old friends…went to opera and dinner with my bestie, sooooo much fun! The opera was HORRIBLE. They added all these weird electronic sounds and I was trying so hard not to laugh, I couldn't look in the direction of my girlfriend or we would have gotten thrown out for laughing so much. I had to sit with my back to her; otherwise we would be dying. It got so bad that I had to plug my ears with my index fingers, like when an ambulance drives by and a little kid doesn't want to hear it.

 

And then remember the doctor who's my close friend, (the really really fat one) who I entertained the thought of dating? Still going strong as good friends..he threw a fundraiser for his organization and it was just soooo nice to be alone and bask in my friendships without the burden of guarding my food or wondering if I'm going to have to fork out my money to pay a bill or cautiously filtering any faux pas trip-guy would have made in a social situation.

 

Yeah, I'm loving life without trip-guy.

 

BUT….

 

Yesterday he texted me that he wanted to talk in person.

 

 

Not sure what he has to say, but I think I'm going to use that as my opportunity to voice myself. Not looking forward to it. I don't even want him in my place when I imagine us talking.

 

Therapy starts tonight. (yay, I think?)

[journeynow]

but I think I'm going to use that as my opportunity to voice myself. Not looking forward to it. I don't even want him in my place when I imagine us talking.

 

I'm glad you are getting out and living life. But as far as voicing yourself, I thought you already did? What do you hope to accomplish by going over it again with him accomplish?

[Ms Darcy]

What more do you need to voice? Isn't the relationship over?

[Wiseman2]

Meet in a cafe or hide the food. he texted me that he wanted to talk in person. I don't even want him in my place when I imagine us talking

[Naomi99]

I never told him the entire truth of why I ended it. Just general blankets overall statements.

 

I want to say everything and I am strong enough to this time around. Because I don't care what happens. It's over.

[Naomi99]

Anyway I really have no idea what he is going to say. Apologize? Tell me he's an undercover Italian prince and putting me through extreme vetting? Say goodbye forever? I have no idea what he's going to say.

 

I have been on the receiving end of being denied a meeting with issues weighing heavily on my mind. It doesn't feel good. And I wouldn't want to do that to someone else...ex lover or friend.

 

 

 

Besides I am dying to ask him, "You derive so much pleasure in announcing you don't drink coffee and you never order it when we go out to the coffee shop. yet when you're at my house you drink it like it's going out of style. Why?"

 

I want to see what kind of lame leeching excuse he's going to give me.

[boltnrun]

Ugh. The "why, why, WHY???" conversation?

 

Sounds like a horrible way to spend an hour.

 

Where does he want to meet up? Your kitchen?

[Wiseman2]

Where does he want to meet up? Your kitchen?

 

]

[JaggerJim]

Trip-guy and I haven't been in touch for about two weeks. I've been doing my own thing with old friends…went to opera and dinner with my bestie, sooooo much fun! The opera was HORRIBLE. They added all these weird electronic sounds and I was trying so hard not to laugh, I couldn't look in the direction of my girlfriend or we would have gotten thrown out for laughing so much. I had to sit with my back to her; otherwise we would be dying. It got so bad that I had to plug my ears with my index fingers, like when an ambulance drives by and a little kid doesn't want to hear it.

 

And then remember the doctor who's my close friend, (the really really fat one) who I entertained the thought of dating? Still going strong as good friends..he threw a fundraiser for his organization and it was just soooo nice to be alone and bask in my friendships without the burden of guarding my food or wondering if I'm going to have to fork out my money to pay a bill or cautiously filtering any faux pas trip-guy would have made in a social situation.

 

Yeah, I'm loving life without trip-guy.

 

BUT….

 

Yesterday he texted me that he wanted to talk in person.

 

 

Not sure what he has to say, but I think I'm going to use that as my opportunity to voice myself. Not looking forward to it. I don't even want him in my place when I imagine us talking.

 

Therapy starts tonight. (yay, I think?)

 

Charming!

[Naomi99]

Charming!

 

He knows it and I love every ounce of him. All 570,002,300 ounces.