How come I can't magnify the good?

[Naomi99]

Ugh. The "why, why, WHY???" conversation?

 

Sounds like a horrible way to spend an hour.

 

Where does he want to meet up? Your kitchen?

 

I have no idea. I'm not in a hurry to meet him and I've already made up my mind he's not invited inside my house. We can meet at a cafe where he can pretend he drinks coffee.

 

Part of me wants to hear what he has to say and another part wants me to let loose and say everything I've said on this forum.

 

I have to keep my poker face in check so I don't end up scoffing.

[RainyCoast]

you're not paying for his coffee, right?:suspicion:

[Naomi99]

you're not paying for his coffee, right?

 

Sure. And when he finishes, I'll burp him, change his diaper and tie a bib around his neck.

[journeynow]

Sure. And when he finishes, I'll burp him, change his diaper and tie a bib around his neck.

 

Yeah, I don't think you should meet.

 

Are you looking forward to the drama?

[Naomi99]

Yeah, I don't think you should meet.

 

Are you looking forward to the drama?

 

Not at all. I just want to get things off my chest that I wasn't able to before. He seriously pissed me off with his childish antics and he has no idea. I owe it to myself and to him to be honest about this childish behavior is the main reason why I ended it. The initial reason I gave him was we were raised differently and have different goals in life. But I guess that isn't good enough for him.

 

If he wants to talk so bad, then bam, I'm totally going to give him the entire truth.

 

And this is only if I have the time to meet up. I'm dealing with deadlines and other fun activities I'd rather do first. He is last on my list of priorities.

[IAmFCA]

Why so much anger? You are stronger without it.

 

Whatever you can tolerate, or not tolerate, is simply a fact about you. You do not need to make the case that other people have opinions similar to yours.

 

Whatever you want- it is enough that you want it, or that you don't.

[faraday]

There's a psychological theory that suggests that the very thing you do not like about someone is a weakness that you have within yourself.

I'd try to explain it more but I probably couldn't articulate it in writing right now.

I get the theory and when I catch myself bugged about someone, I look in the mirror to see if I can catch it.

 

This is so true. I had a friend give me this analogy a decade ago and it just happens over and over again in my life. Whenever I'm annoyed with someone's behaviours, if I think on it a bit, it's usually something that I do in some varying capacity.

 

It's like how it's hard to empathize with someone if you haven't been in a similar situation...it's easier to see another's faults when they're glaring back at you like a mirror.

[journeynow]

I think this is why No Contact was invented.

[IAmFCA]

This is so true. I had a friend give me this analogy a decade ago and it just happens over and over again in my life. Whenever I'm annoyed with someone's behaviours, if I think on it a bit, it's usually something that I do in some varying capacity.

 

It's like how it's hard to empathize with someone if you haven't been in a similar situation...it's easier to see another's faults when they're glaring back at you like a mirror.

 

The Law Of Attraction is one of the frames used the describe this concept od dating people like ourselves.

 

I agree with it 100%. We date a mirror of ourselves. It may look differently but the similarities exist and usually are related to an issue that is getting in our way.

 

This mirror concept has been how I have used dating to grow. Also, it mitigates my anger and rejection, which are replaced with somethieng more contemplative. "I can't stand that! Wait, do i do that also? Or maybe, do i have within a similar trait that expresses itself differently? I must..." Then i force myself to find where he and I are same so I can root it out of myself and reshape it till i like it.

[catfeeder]

If he wants to talk so bad, then bam, I'm totally going to give him the entire truth.

 

If you're going to do this, then make it productive. Use it as an opportunity to practice avoiding the kind of extreme 'snap' you fear will harm your relationships in the future. Learn how to discuss a problem at face value without slamming the guy with your pent up rage.

 

You wouldn't have built up all of this frustration if you were on the level with your communication in the first place, so it makes no sense to justify bludgeoning someone with it.

 

When your goal is to learn balance, you won't fear being frank with people going forward. You'll teach yourself how to be kind and still get your needs met. The extremes of withhold then letting loose are messy kid stuff--and relationship killers. So while you have no relationship to lose anymore with this guy, that's not a license to continue the behavior you fear most. It's your opportunity to learn how to MASTER it.

[journeynow]

I just want to get things off my chest that I wasn't able to before. He seriously pissed me off with his childish antics...

 

If he wants to talk so bad, then bam, I'm totally going to give him the entire truth.

 

Naomi, while I understand the emotion, I totally agree with catfeeder on this:

 

If you're going to do this, then make it productive. Use it as an opportunity to practice avoiding the kind of extreme 'snap' you fear will harm your relationships in the future. Learn how to discuss a problem at face value without slamming the guy with your pent up rage.

 

You wouldn't have built up all of this frustration if you were on the level with your communication in the first place, so it makes no sense to justify bludgeoning someone with it.

 

When your goal is to learn balance, you won't fear being frank with people going forward. You'll teach yourself how to be kind and still get your needs met. The extremes of withhold then letting loose are messy kid stuff--and relationship killers. So while you have no relationship to lose anymore with this guy, that's not a license to continue the behavior you fear most. It's your opportunity to learn how to MASTER it.

[East4]

I think it is cathartic to Naomi to go meet trip-guy and lay it all out to him. She has paid for this experience by feeding this guy for months. Also, when put in context, a person like Naomi who finds it challenging to speak up for themselves, needs this sort of exercise. To stand up calmly and list the things that she felt being used for. Just stay cool and speak coldly to him, this manner will have more impact than you getting emotional. I would make a list of all the insensitive behaviors/mooching and leave it with the trip guy to re-read after his jaw drops at your speech, Naomi. You never know, Naomi, this guy may finally see the light, or at least think about how he treats women.

 

By the way what is your Myer-Briggs personality type, Naomi? You know these ESTP, INTJ, ESFP things.

[Wiseman2]

Write him a poem

If he wants to talk so bad, then bam, I'm totally going to give him the entire truth.

 

we go to a shop you sat in the car

we get home you ate from my jar

 

you stay with and ex, too cheap for a motel

and in the morning your breath smells like hell

 

now these are the good things

let me get to the part that really stings

 

your weinie is too small

and that's not all

 

you eat like a hog

your brain is in a fog

 

when you left I didn't pine

now my food and bed are all mine

[journeynow]

To stand up calmly

 

 

The key is calm. It may be too soon for that. Naomi sounds angry and disdainful, talking about diapering him and being pissed off, and "bam"….

[RainyCoast]

Write him a poem

 

we go to a shop you sat in the car

we get home you ate from my jar

 

you stay with and ex, too cheap for a motel

and in the morning your breath smells like hell

 

now these are the good things

let me get to the part that really stings

 

your weinie is too small

and that's not all

 

you eat like a hog

your brain is in a fog

 

when you left I didn't pine

now my food and bed are all mine

 

omg!!! lol!!!! *clap clap clap*

 

do it Naomi, stand up in the middle of Starbucks and recite it and leave as people clap lol

 

and film it, please film it!!!

 

 

no, don't listen to my immature azz, do as catfeeder says. if you do do it the immature way though, post the link to the vid. i'll make it go viral. cause i'm an immature azz.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,can you lay it out in a calm way or is it that you want to lay into him ?

[East4]

The key is calm. It may be too soon for that. Naomi sounds angry and disdainful, talking about diapering him and being pissed off, and "bam"….

 

She is able to keep in check her behavior. Once she understands what works, she does it perfectly, I have "seen" this in her previous threads about the doctor.

[East4]

Write him a poem

 

we go to a shop you sat in the car

we get home you ate from my jar

 

you stay with and ex, too cheap for a motel

and in the morning your breath smells like hell

 

now these are the good things

let me get to the part that really stings

 

your weinie is too small

and that's not all

 

you eat like a hog

your brain is in a fog

 

when you left I didn't pine

now my food and bed are all mine

 

I'd replace the line in bold by:

 

"you mooch from sunrise to nightfall,

and that's not all..."

 

Because let's stick to the facts, Naomi said he was good enough for one thing only.

Then attach the poem as annex to the list of disgrace items and hand it to him.

[RainyCoast]

it feels so satisfying seeing this guy dragged. no wonder Naomi wants the satisfaction too.

 

somehow though, in practice, this attempt to get the last word in...it's never the last word. you'll just bicker back and forth.

[Naomi99]

I think it is cathartic to Naomi to go meet trip-guy and lay it all out to him. She has paid for this experience by feeding this guy for months. Also, when put in context, a person like Naomi who finds it challenging to speak up for themselves, needs this sort of exercise. To stand up calmly and list the things that she felt being used for. Just stay cool and speak coldly to him, this manner will have more impact than you getting emotional. I would make a list of all the insensitive behaviors/mooching and leave it with the trip guy to re-read after his jaw drops at your speech, Naomi. You never know, Naomi, this guy may finally see the light, or at least think about how he treats women.

 

By the way what is your Myer-Briggs personality type, Naomi? You know these ESTP, INTJ, ESFP things.

 

I believe the last time I took that test, I was INSJ? INSF? I can't remember the exact letters or they're even correct, but I know the first letter was introversion.

[Naomi99]

YOU GUYS.

 

I woke up to a looooooooong email from him, took me 15 mins to read, and I had to read it twice. Mostly he talks about his devastation, how he's waited a month to talk to me, how hurtful it is that I am avoiding him (which I am not.) If I am seeing someone else, he needs to know.

 

He goes on and on about my flaws and how he is willing to overlook them to stay with me. HA!

 

I have not responded, but I did a word count on the word "I." He used "I" 73 times in his letter.

 

Unbelievable.

[Naomi99]

She is able to keep in check her behavior. Once she understands what works, she does it perfectly, I have "seen" this in her previous threads about the doctor.

 

You have so much faith in me. If anything, I won't engage in emotional outburst so you will be proud of me. Forget what I look like in public or to the other person…doesn't matter.

[Seraphim]

Ok, so again. Do.not .drag .this .out .any .further . Block him in all capacities .

[RainyCoast]

when my ex began to list my sins, i said "then i am liberating you of the p.o.s. that i am" and got up to leave. i gave him his sainthood, his last word, i accepted i was the horrible one, as if, just to get out. it didn't satisfy him. he was confused and tried to get me to argue- and accept i need to comply, i need to break my back to please him as i continue to stay with him. i repeated "nope, i'm a p.o.s., i won't torture you with my sh*ttiness", and he just needed to argue so much he continued to as i was walking out. and blasted my phone, and showed up banging on my door at 6 am.

 

nip it in the bud. just block. ain't worth it.

[Naomi99]

it feels so satisfying seeing this guy dragged. no wonder Naomi wants the satisfaction too.

 

somehow though, in practice, this attempt to get the last word in...it's never the last word. you'll just bicker back and forth.

 

This is soooo funny! My GF was trying to summarize trip-guy's personality, and I think this best describes it:

 

He is the silent kid in elementary school who sees a jacket in the lost-and-found bin, and he knows it belongs to his classmate, Johnny. But he stays silent as he awaits the obligatory 10 days where if no one claims the jacket, it's up for grabs. After 10 days, he takes it under the premise "Well, Johnny didn't claim it, so it's mine now. Too bad."