How come I can't magnify the good?

[journeynow]

Anger is meaningless when it has no audience.

 

It can be useful if you harness the energy of it to accomplish something physical, such a clean house, dig a new garden, hike a mountain, move rocks. Feeling it as energy that can be harnessed and let go of any meaning or story, it can be constructive.

[IAmFCA]

Agree. Text him: "yes we have no bananas". Then block and delete him.

 

 

LOL I love this.

 

But really, what's the point.

[Naomi99]

I didn't mean to offend anyone with the vag comment. I apologize. I just mean his emotions are way out of line. Mods can delete it if you want?

 

Anyway I appreciate all of the support. I'm not angry. More annoyed that he just doesn't get it. Defining my decision to end it as "our decision to end it."

 

Gimme a break.

[IAmFCA]

I didn't mean to offend anyone with the vag comment. I apologize. I just mean his emotions are way out of line. Mods can delete it if you want?

 

Anyway I appreciate all of the support. I'm not angry. More annoyed that he just doesn't get it. Defining my decision to end it as "our decision to end it."

 

Gimme a break.

 

His emotions aren't out of line. They are his emotions. We don't get to judge them.

 

They are more than what would be tolerable for you. THAT is what you get to judge.

 

ETA

Also, I call AHEM on you saying you are not angry. What do you care that he characterized it as "our" decision? What do you care, unless you want to be acknowledged as having acted upon him -- his acknowledgement being a reflection of your power to do so?

[Naomi99]

Yes. That's what I meant. Out of line for me. 34 texts is probably tolerable for another girl.

[IAmFCA]

Yes. That's what I meant. Out of line for me. 34 texts is probably tolerable for another girl.

 

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Doesn't matter. Between two people, normative standards are irrelevant except to the degree they shape assumptions we each make about the another.

[journeynow]

Yes. That's what I meant. Out of line for me. 34 texts is probably tolerable for another girl.

 

That's why you block him. He's allowed his emotions, you are allowed TO CHOOSE some privacy from them. Tolerable to "another girl" has nothing to do with it. As long as you keep the lines of communication open you don't get to decide what he sends.

[Fudgie]

I can't figure out why you haven't blocked him yet. Do you get something out of this contact?

[East4]

Naomi, trip guys seems emotionally unstable, perhaps dangerous. Im going back to what I said previously about meeting him. It would be safer for you to not do that, just lay low and do not respond. May be later on he will calm down and if you still want to do it, you could voice your grievances (which I still believe will be cathartic to you), but for now you'd be wise to avoid him like a plague.

 

He seems to be quite narcissistic looking at his exploitative behavior and exaggerated self-importance. And narcissistic people may be dangerous when ignored and not given what they want.

[notalady]

As long as you keep the lines of communication open you don't get to decide what he sends.

 

That's exactly it. You can bag him all you want, exclaim about his ridiculousness, call him names. But you're the one choosing to leave the lines of communication open. So really, after all this, if you don't block him, or at least clearly and concisely state to him "please don't contact me anymore, it's over". Then, any more harassment from him from now on is on you, because you are not taking action to protect yourself from it.

[boltnrun]

You shouldn't need "proof" or validation that he is being ridiculous.

 

Every time he contacts you, you come on here saying "SEE!! He's a !"

 

Like, you need to PROVE to someone that you're right and he's wrong.

 

Why?

 

What's right for you is right for you. You don't need anyone to validate you or tell you you're right.

 

Or do you?

 

Is that why you refuse to block him? Because you need convincing you did the right thing?

[Ms Darcy]

His vagina is bigger than all of ours put together.

 

Emotional communications = big vagina?

 

I know you are kidding.

 

But sometimes we women are harder on ourselves than some men are.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes. That's what I meant. Out of line for me. 34 texts is probably tolerable for another girl.

 

I think you lose a little gravitas when you don't block your ex. It's not that others would find 34 texts tolerable. It's that they would block him and not receive any texts at all.

[IAmFCA]

Emotional communications = big vagina?

 

I know you are kidding.

 

But sometimes we women are harder on ourselves than some men are.

 

I didn't even understand that until now. Sexist sarcasm spoken by a woman is still sexist speech. When we are trying to prove our power, adopting the dismissive speech of the other side if a familiar technique.

 

C'mon Naomi, you have the smarts to walk a higher road than this. Whoever "proved" to you that men hold the power and that you have to scream to get heard (gee, was it my parents?) -- whoever that was was dead wrong. After 30 years in a male dominated industry I assure you that the men who have power often talk so quietly as to be nearly inaudible. So if men set the standard, and they don't, but if they did, then the way to demonstrate power is maintain self-control, a level-set manner and a quiet voice.

[Annia]

Trip-guy and I haven't been in touch for about two weeks. I've been doing my own thing with old friends…went to opera and dinner with my bestie, sooooo much fun! The opera was HORRIBLE. They added all these weird electronic sounds and I was trying so hard not to laugh, I couldn't look in the direction of my girlfriend or we would have gotten thrown out for laughing so much. I had to sit with my back to her; otherwise we would be dying. It got so bad that I had to plug my ears with my index fingers, like when an ambulance drives by and a little kid doesn't want to hear it.

 

And then remember the doctor who's my close friend, (the really really fat one) who I entertained the thought of dating? Still going strong as good friends..he threw a fundraiser for his organization and it was just soooo nice to be alone and bask in my friendships without the burden of guarding my food or wondering if I'm going to have to fork out my money to pay a bill or cautiously filtering any faux pas trip-guy would have made in a social situation.

 

Yeah, I'm loving life without trip-guy.

 

BUT….

 

Yesterday he texted me that he wanted to talk in person.

 

 

Not sure what he has to say, but I think I'm going to use that as my opportunity to voice myself. Not looking forward to it. I don't even want him in my place when I imagine us talking.

 

Therapy starts tonight. (yay, I think?)

 

Why don't you just tell him you don't want to speak and want distance? Then block him and that's it. However if you really want to talk to him, maybe it's better to do it outside home. I just don't think you'll get much out of this.

[Naomi99]

Woke up this morning and found a big box on my doorstep. Opened the box and it was another box filled with a ton of pastries from my favorite bakery and four tickets to the symphony, and returned xmas presents, and a letter.

 

I do not want to get back together AT ALL, but I'm not sure if ignoring this gesture is the "right" decision for me.

 

I have been NC for two weeks now. I can't stand him more and more as each day progresses so do not worry about me taking him back, but I also think ignoring this isn't the right thing either.

[Naomi99]

Not quite sure how to handle this.

 

But the bigger question is, who here wants to go to the symphony with me?

(No just kidding. Of course, I'm not going to go.)

[boltnrun]

I would send him an email letting him know that while you appreciate the thought, please don't send any more gifts and please don't send any more messages. Ask him to please respect your wishes.

 

You don't have to blast him, you don't have to give him a long, drawn out explanation. Refer him to your previous conversation (when you told him you were no longer going to see him).

[notalady]

I would send him an email letting him know that while you appreciate the thought, please don't send any more gifts and please don't send any more messages. Ask him to please respect your wishes.

 

You don't have to blast him, you don't have to give him a long, drawn out explanation. Refer him to your previous conversation (when you told him you were no longer going to see him).

 

And I would send the tickets back to him if there is a way.

[Pretzel]

Aw this is very sad, he's clearly quite heartbroken. Ignoring wouldn't be very kind, I agree. I guess you really do need to be fully honest about your feelings that you just aren't feeling it anymore if you're 100% sure and tell him that he needs to move on...

 

I used to date someone who i wasn't that into and every time i thought in my mind that i'd "have the talk" with him, he would show up with a gift, so i didn't have the heart to do it. Eventually, I just had to bite the bullet.

But even after that, during our 'closure chat' which he knew was going to be just that, he showed up with quirky chocolate cupcakes and I felt awful about it, but there was nothing that I could do. He knew I didn't want the relationship and that no amount of dessert would change that. I just to be very cold and non response after that last conversation we had.

[Annia]

I never responded to that mega email he sent yesterday morning.

 

This morning I woke up to 34 texts saying he feels abandoned and try to imagine if I was in his shoes. He says he doesn't deserve to be treated this way and he is owed an explanation for the break up; that "this is not the relationship I want" and "we are incompatible" makes him left wondering.

 

 

And wow. I just opened my email and have another message from him please requesting to talk. He can't eat or sleep. He says that I can just turn it off and move on and he can't; this is not how he operates. He wants to talk so he can be sure that we are making the right decision, not out of fear, but because of a true understanding of what we mean to each other. He is profoundly saddened and doesn't want to end it this way and to please let him know I am receiving his messages and that I haven't blocked him.

 

 

Sheeeeeeze.

 

 

Screw him. "This is not how I operate." Condescending and controlling.

 

Well, this is how *I* operate.

 

"To make sure that we are making the right decision."

 

WE?? WE?? Ha! I dumped YOU, you cheapskate, and that decision was made, BY ME, now over a month ago!

 

 

The more he pushes me, the less I want to have a discussion with him.

 

God, he's turning psycho... he really can't deal with not mooching and freeloading you anymore, can't he? He can't really accept that you've move on, his ego can't deal with it. Have no doubt that if you got back together with him, even if you told him the things you didn't like about his actions, he'd get back to being the same. He's now trying to manipulate you emotionally so that you feel regretful and bad about yourself for leaving you. This guy is such a child emotionally. Probably used to get everything he wants, and when that fails he throws a tantrum.

 

This is also a lesson to anyone who intends to send mails or messages trying to fight for an ex... this always has the contrary effect and is instant attraction killer. The ex (in this case Naomi) often gets the reassurance that they indeed dodged a bullet. And what a bullet you dodged.

[Annia]

Woke up this morning and found a big box on my doorstep. Opened the box and it was another box filled with a ton of pastries from my favorite bakery and four tickets to the symphony, and returned xmas presents, and a letter.

 

I do not want to get back together AT ALL, but I'm not sure if ignoring this gesture is the "right" decision for me.

 

I have been NC for two weeks now. I can't stand him more and more as each day progresses so do not worry about me taking him back, but I also think ignoring this isn't the right thing either.

 

Dude's just getting scary and psycho. Be careful and stay safe.

 

Also maybe it is a good idea to send him an email thanking the gifts but no thanks, explain to him why this doesn't work (if you feel the need) and asking him not to contact you. Then you block him and you can both get closure and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

How to get a response when emails don't work:

 

pastries and symphony tickets.

[Naomi99]

Saying "thank you, but no thank you" is not going to hurt me at all. I'm solid on where I stand, but it doesn't mean I have to disregard my manners.

 

It might make him hopeful, but then that's his problem. Not mine. Why should I be rude and not acknowledge the stuff he left just because he might not be able to handle my niceness?

 

Anyway the tickets are back in the mail as of right now. The pastries, not so much.

[katrina1980]

Saying "thank you, but no thank you" is not going to hurt me at all. I'm solid on where I stand, but it doesn't mean I have to disregard my manners.

 

It might make him hopeful, but then that's his problem. Not mine. Why should I be rude and not acknowledge the stuff he left just because he might not be able to handle my niceness?

 

Anyway the tickets are back in the mail as of right now. The pastries, not so much.

 

I had a chance to catch up with this thread and mean no offense but Naomi your actions here are really ****ed up and cruel and not fair to him even if you don't think so which I dont think you do.

 

He is not "devastated" nor is he even in love, nor was he ever, he is 'obsessed' (big difference), all because you have not been straight with him and sending him lots of conflicting messages, whether you realize it or not, which are also crazy making (for him).

 

This could have ended weeks ago which it should have. I don't know about this doctor guy you were involved with, but apparently he jerked you around, causing you to feel powerless, and whatever is happening now with this trip guy makes you feel in control and powerful emotionally, something you never felt with the Doctor guy.

 

Get your act together. Start exercising some compassion and integrity. You are not compatible, that is it. He is not some horrible person who has done you wrong that you need to get back at. Sometimes to be cruel is kind because it is honest and when you see someone (him) is confused and wants clarity as he clearly does, the most compassionate thing to do is be honest, show some empathy, stop the conflicting messages and explain once and for all, honestly and assertively that you are incompatible, and therefore it is not going to work, good luck, wish you well.

 

I don't get why you cannot do that, other than it makes you feel all powerful something you never felt with the Doctor guy and this trip guy is paying the price fur that.