How come I can't magnify the good?

[Naomi99]

Geez. This guy is nuts. Continue to ignore him.

 

I don't know, Annie. The more I ignore him, the more he contacts. It's been eight weeks.

 

I'm glad I never blocked him because i would have never known he got the job close to my city. So please don't tell me to block, peoples.

He's under the impression I've blocked him. That's good enough.

[annie24]

Keep up no contact. Because if you write back to him now, then you have trained him that he only has to text/email/call 40 times and then you will eventually write him back. He's seriously got some issues (i mean that sincerely!) if he passed up his dream job to be at a "closer" job to you - 1.5 hours is still not that close. And to do so after the breakup and you haven't spoken to him at all?? I'd keep an eye out for stalker type behavior - if he starts dropping by your home or work. Keep your doors locked. If he escalates, you may need to go to the police.

[IAmFCA]

Keep up no contact. Because if you write back to him now, then you have trained him that he only has to text/email/call 40 times and then you will eventually write him back. He's seriously got some issues (i mean that sincerely!) if he passed up his dream job to be at a "closer" job to you - 1.5 hours is still not that close. And to do so after the breakup and you haven't spoken to him at all?? I'd keep an eye out for stalker type behavior - if he starts dropping by your home or work. Keep your doors locked. If he escalates, you may need to go to the police.

 

Yes. This is true and also is not judgmental.

[IAmFCA]

Cool because I'm allowed to have opinions. And?

 

Not a matter of permission. A matter of what sort of energy you want to perpetuate.

 

While it may be unvelievable because his behavior seems so far from normal, the exvlamation of "unbelievable" reflects your own involvement. Let go of all of it. Let him be him, with no drama or energy required on your part.

 

Just make a a boundary so that his chaos doesn't impact you, and think as many kind things as possible.

[Naomi99]

Ha! He's too cheap to stalk. He won't pay for gas and the toll it takes to get to my place.

 

In his message, he said he wanted to surprise me with the closer job location when it was announced.

 

Surprise is an understatement. I'm still picking my jaw up off the ground.

 

But seriously, if I wrote back then he'll know I didn't block him so I"m kinda stuck status quo.

[IAmFCA]

I know am going to draw an onslaught of rotten tomatoes, but i don't think his behavior is crazy, relative to his own priorities in life. He has a history of valuing chaos over predictable, dramatic over incremental. He has found a way to make his way without following a traditional path. He has a history of being unavailable and responsible for long term commitments.

 

In his world, everything was about to fall into place. This is frightening for him. Claustrophobic. Removing all excuses for his lack of success, should any occur, because his dream job gave him the path to success. Even more frightening, then, to have everything he needs and not excel. Better to blow it up, create some chaos, so he can put his life back together.

 

It isn't unvelievable. His behavior is consistent and his analysis is grounded in your own words.

 

"No sense in ironing out everything bc you're moving away"

 

Your reaction feels a little bit like bragplaining, which would be consistent with the theme of needing/wanting validation that you are worth as much and more.

 

I am sorry - i didnt know that was going to come out. I am leaving it in because maybe, in your private thoughts, it will help you get to the bottom of things.

[Naomi99]

I don't understand this:

He has a history of being unavailable and responsible for long term commitments.

 

The first half of your post is probably on point. He is used to chaos and unstructured with zero plans, and that is normal for him.

 

Never heard of the term "bragplaining," but I'm assuming, like "brunch," it is a combination of bragging and complaining…

 

Bragging? Really? This entire issue has made me pensive and sad the last few weeks. I said in my post above I've been antisocial and just wanting to watch TV. I never said or implied I'm worth more. I've always said we are incompatible and that doesn't mean he's not worthy of me. If there was an apocalypse right now, he'd survive and I wouldn't. I'm probably not worthy of him. I do think I'm more refined, but so is Regis Philbin. Doesn't make him better than Kelly Ripa.

 

Complaining? Well, yeah. I have tons of those. For one, I don't like it when my boundaries get stomped on, and that's what he's doing. I know he's hurting but he isn't stable enough to talk to; otherwise, I'd talk this over in a heartbeat. The pastries, the opera passes, changing his career path….it's just too overwhelming. I can't even thank him properly because if I open the door a crack, he is the type that will jam his foot and shoulder in and pry the door open and try to talk his way back into a relationship.

 

I had dinner with relatives who'd met him over the holidays, and they were all so happy I met someone. They were asking how he was doing, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them what happened without crying so I just said, "He's doing fine," and changed the subject and blinked away the tears.

[Naomi99]

 

It isn't unvelievable. His behavior is consistent and his analysis is grounded in your own words.

 

"No sense in ironing out everything bc you're moving away"

 

 

Based on that statement I made, he changed his career path after we were broken up and out of communication, without discussing it with me.

 

Now he's unloading all of that on me. It's almost like he's saying "I did this for you. You owe me."

 

I didn't ask him to do any of that and it seriously pisses me off.

And the irony is I still care about him. I'm not in love with him, but I care about him and where he ends up in life.

[Naomi99]

I've been thinking about IThinkICan's last post and came to a level of enlightenment. I'm looking at his actions based on how I would handle my life, not how he would handle his life. If I were to take everything from his point of view, consistent with who he is, his past, and what makes him thrive, then I can understand and maybe even appreciate his decisions.

 

How that applies to me and my actions, I'm not sure yet. But I think I've got a better grasp on understanding how we got to where we are right now.

[mustlovedogs]

It's easier said than done, but you don't need to worry about what he's doing.

 

Side note. I'm reading a book about game theory that relates to your epiphany. "Thinking Strategically: the competitive edge in business, politics, and everyday life"

 

The entire premise is anticipating what someone else will do. I think it could be valuable for you. It forces you to think like someone else and reason what may happen.

 

It's not as boring as the title

[Naomi99]

The problem with that is identifying too much with hurting people, and then becoming a people-pleaser.

[mustlovedogs]

I think it's useful in general. The whole idea is think forward and reason back. I think that's generally a good way to handle anything

[Naomi99]

I just put it in my Amazon cart. So strange…Amazon says I can have it by tomorrow (sunday).

[East4]

I know am going to draw an onslaught of rotten tomatoes, but i don't think his behavior is crazy, relative to his own priorities in life. He has a history of valuing chaos over predictable, dramatic over incremental. He has found a way to make his way without following a traditional path. He has a history of being unavailable and responsible for long term commitments.

 

In his world, everything was about to fall into place. This is frightening for him. Claustrophobic. Removing all excuses for his lack of success, should any occur, because his dream job gave him the path to success. Even more frightening, then, to have everything he needs and not excel. Better to blow it up, create some chaos, so he can put his life back together.

 

It isn't unvelievable. His behavior is consistent and his analysis is grounded in your own words.

 

"No sense in ironing out everything bc you're moving away"

 

Your reaction feels a little bit like bragplaining, which would be consistent with the theme of needing/wanting validation that you are worth as much and more.

 

I am sorry - i didnt know that was going to come out. I am leaving it in because maybe, in your private thoughts, it will help you get to the bottom of things.

 

This analysis is brilliant, but as Freud has said himself, quoted "sometimes a cigare is just that-a cigare." The Freudian analysis is prone to seek for a hidden meaning behind EVERYTHING; for instance a cigare would easily be interpreted as a symbol of a phallus. But as Freud has also realised that sometimes there is no hidden meaning and a statement is just that a statement. SO, let's imagine for a while that trip guy statement of love by choosing a nearer location is not rooted in his chaotic nature, but he has really fallen in love with Naomi. This is a possibility as equally possible as his choice of job being determined by his neurotic, chaotic nature.

 

The only litmus test to determine what is what is for Naomi to clearly list all of his self-serving behaviors and clearly state that if they are to resume any sort of relationship, she will demand for him to pay his food and utility charges if he is to spend time at her place; see his response and his actions. Naomi can play hard and demand upfront payment when he arrives at her place. This will be the utmost test-as much as for the trip guy's true intentions with Naomi, as for her, because she will have to learn to demand appropriate behavior and assure the correct completion of promises (i.e. he promises he will pay his way, but then he won't do it, then it will be up to Naomi to re-inforce the rules).

 

It is a big risk. It is up to Naomi to decide if she wants to take the risk with a second round with this guy, calling him on his mooching behavior and setting very firm boundaries and demand payment Or else, she takes the secure path and just keep ignoring him. It is her choice.

[katrina1980]

I don't agree with continuing to ignore, that's what started this whole thing, namely his obsession. This whole thing could have been avoided weeks ago by calling hm, having a calm RATIONAL, non-dramatic, non-histrionic, discussion with him explaining once again (except this time leave the histrioncs home) why it's over, that it has nothng do with long distance, you haven't dated that long and you don't think you are right for each other, sorry but your just not feeling it.

 

Explain that you don't want hm contacting you again and if he continues to, you WILL go to the courts to get a restraining order. Be firm and decisive, calm rational, again no histrioncs.

 

Why you didn't or can't do this is beyond my realm of comprehension, unless you enjoy drama yourself, cause honestly this entire thing is WAY over the top. And it didn't have to be if you just behaved like a decent caring human being with integrity and talk to him.

 

No you don't 'owe' him anything, but when you see someone hurting and obsessing like this, especially someone you once cared about, you don't continue ignoring them, to me that is very very cruel.

[IAmFCA]

I've been thinking about IThinkICan's last post and came to a level of enlightenment. I'm looking at his actions based on how I would handle my life, not how he would handle his life. If I were to take everything from his point of view, consistent with who he is, his past, and what makes him thrive, then I can understand and maybe even appreciate his decisions.

 

How that applies to me and my actions, I'm not sure yet. But I think I've got a better grasp on understanding how we got to where we are right now.

 

I am glad. The only point of my post was to help show an avenue to a non judgmental stance.

 

When we begin to accept that people are not better or worse, just different, it then becomes easier to resolve conflict in a calm and respectful manner.

[Naomi99]

So I texted him last night and made arrangements to talk next week. He was very happy. And I was not. After he thanked me I just laid on my bed and zombied out watching Indiana Jones marathon thinking how much I don't want to see him.

 

I woke up this morning highly irritated and angry because I realized, once again, he is dictating his desires and wishes upon me. Switching his career location to be close to me, despite I had just broken up two weeks before.

 

It's the same as digging his finger into my plate…because that's what he wants to do, despite my repeated comments about it being highly invasive.

 

And now, once again, multiple messages begging to talk because he's too weak to move on and needs more explanation and closure despite my clear communication "we are broken up, move on." Never mind how I feel, how it is a waste of my time and emotion, never mind how this might be pushing me back a few steps.

 

This whole meeting thing sums up the reason why we broke up. Dictating his desires and wishes upon me, at my expense, because of his emotional deficiencies.

 

His last email, he pulled this card "If you cared about me, you would talk to me." Well, how about if he cared bout me, he would leave me alone? Why does he dictate everything? Just because i don't want to talk to him does not mean I don't care.

 

makes me so irritated I can't stand him even more. It's going to take every ounce of popcorn in me to hold back these horses. If I have my way, by time we are done, he will be limping out of the coffee house and not the good kind of limping. He asked for it, not me.

[Naomi99]

It is a big risk. It is up to Naomi to decide if she wants to take the risk with a second round with this guy, calling him on his mooching behavior and setting very firm boundaries and demand payment Or else, she takes the secure path and just keep ignoring him. It is her choice.

 

I took the middle path. I finally caved in and said okay to a meeting, but I am not going to take a second round of this childish relationship. He wants specifics, he's going to get them all right.

[Naomi99]

Does anyone know a politically correct way of saying, "You're awfully cheap"?

[Seraphim]

Why not just say " look, we are not getting back together , ever. You like things more wild and woolly than I can handle."

[katrina1980]

Why not just say " look, we are not getting back together , ever. You like things more wild and woolly than I can handle."

 

I don't agree, that only invites more questions (and drama) from him and discussion about why she thinks he more "wild and woolly" and him telling her he can change or other such bull shyt. Naomi, my last post was brash and I'm sorry about that But why do you need to meet? Say what you have to say over the phone, namely "look, we are not getting back together, ever. I am NOT feeling it anymore and have moved on, I suggest you do the same and if you continue to contact me, I will go to court to get TRO, this is ridiculous." You have to be strong like that otherwise he and men like him will never get it.

[Naomi99]

Why not just say " look, we are not getting back together , ever. You like things more wild and woolly than I can handle."

 

I said that about 50 times throughout the entirety of the relationship and about five times at the time of the breakup.

 

"We are incompatible. We are way too opposite."

 

He just does not accept things when they're not to his liking and frankly it makes me want to f-ing slap the crap out of him.

[katrina1980]

I said that about 50 times throughout the entirety of the relationship and about five times at the time of the breakup.

 

"We are incompatible. We are way too opposite."

 

He just does not accept things when they're not to his liking and frankly it makes me want to f-ing slap the crap out of him.

 

If he has any sense of pride (or ego) if you tell him your no longer "feeling it" you feeling nothing for him anymore, the chemistry and energy is not the same as when you met, I could be wrong but I don't think he will continue to bother you, I would think he or any man has too much ego to continue pursuing a woman who has no feelings for him anymore.

[Naomi99]

I don't agree, that only invites more questions (and drama) from him and discussion about why she thinks he more "wild and woolly." Naomi, my last post was brash and I'm sorry about that But why do you need to meet? Say what you have to say over the phone, namely "look, we are not getting back together, ever. I am NOT feeling it anymore and have moved on, I suggest you do the same and if you continue to contact me, I will go to court to get TRO, this is ridiculous." You have to be strong like that otherwise he and men like him will never get it.

 

He promised not to ask for a second try. And he needs to see me one last time because he has questions I need to answer in order for him to move on. (f-ing needy a-hole. I mean, why am I responsible for this???)

 

He also promised if I don't want, I never have to see him again after this last meeting.

 

And I've already set up my boundaries lines. I'm not answering any of his questions that have to do with the time of the breakup to the present. (Are you seeing anyone? Have you had sex with someone else? Are you dating?)

 

In fact, I don't have to answer one damned thing if I don't want to. I'm seriously angry right now and a hair away from canceling the entire thing altogether.

[Seraphim]

The reason you are mad is because you did what you know you should not have done.

 

However ,finding politically correct ways to insult him won't fix this problem .

 

Personally ,I would say if you call or contact me in anyway possible I will be calling the cops, go away .