How come I can't magnify the good?

[notalady]

they all have the same speech. i heard there is a template for those please take me back i have seen the light letters. there must be a bot writing these " how can you be so cold and end it FOR NO REASON when i put up with your sins and all" too.

blaaaaargh.

 

Yes and my ex used both simultaneously. It was switching between "you're heartless" and "I know I messed up, I've changed, just give me one more chance" and "think about that awesome birthday cake I got you!" (Lol, really? That's all you got?) and "you never got me to meet your family" (only dates for 6 months more than half of which wasn't good, so...yea nice try bringing out the family card). It was entertaining, really, like watching an act.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I dated a guy who was only making an effort to see me about every six weeks or so. When I finally gave up and started dating someone else, I got a long emotional email ending with "I LOVE you!" Funny, he'd never said he loved me the entire time we were dating, but now that he knew I was seeing someone else he suddenly loved me.

 

Loser.

[Ms Darcy]

YOU GUYS.

 

I woke up to a looooooooong email from him, took me 15 mins to read, and I had to read it twice. Mostly he talks about his devastation, how he's waited a month to talk to me, how hurtful it is that I am avoiding him (which I am not.) If I am seeing someone else, he needs to know.

 

He goes on and on about my flaws and how he is willing to overlook them to stay with me. HA!

 

I have not responded, but I did a word count on the word "I." He used "I" 73 times in his letter.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Your ENA posts remind me of a heroine in the anti-romance novel I just read. I'm not even kidding. In discussing the book, the conclusion was that the heroine was "hysterically emotionally unavailable" as in she would spends chapters Monday morning quarterbacking how she would have told off her exes.

 

It was a SUPER interesting theory. One person basically said she could never seem to move forward because she never really let herself grieve forward (she grieved backward ... digging up old wounds and scratching at them thinking this was healing her.)

 

It's really for you to figure it out. But I would really encourage you to consider doing a sort of hierarchy of needs for yourself and your relationships.

 

I had gotten in a rut in three different relationships. After the 3rd one ended, I wrote down everything I wanted to do. The first few things were: tell off ex, tell ex to go to H, key ex's car, tell ex's car to go to H. But after 30/45 minutes of writing I got to: find a man who accepts me for who I am, have a life partner who I can laugh with all the time, be with someone who has similar values, be more open to emotionally stable guys.

 

And I ranked those things ... the later stuff was higher. So, I focused on the higher up stuff and worked on myself towards those goals.

 

You don't have to do any of these things. But what I would suggest is that you tend to grieve backwards instead of forward. That may be holding you back.

 

(Why do I say this right after you posted about his nutty email? Because you are choosing to stay in touch with him.)

[Ms Darcy]

Posting this moreso for fun than anything:

 

ESFJ Strengths

 

Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations

Warm, friendly and affirming by nature

Service-oriented, they want to please others

Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities

Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them

Generally very good money managers

Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events

 

ESFJ Weaknesses

 

Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories

Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism

Need a lot of positive affirmation to feel good about themselves

May be overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see them

Have very difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, and are likely to take the blame for the failure onto their own shoulders

Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them

Don't pay enough attention to their own needs, and may be self-sacrificing

May tend to use guilt manipulation as a way to get what they want

[annie24]

ESFJ Weaknesses

 

Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories

Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism

Need a lot of positive affirmation to feel good about themselves

May be overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see them

Have very difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, and are likely to take the blame for the failure onto their own shoulders

Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them

Don't pay enough attention to their own needs, and may be self-sacrificing

May tend to use guilt manipulation as a way to get what they want

 

These things are totally me. I try to take criticism well and think of ways to improve. I'm not good at letting criticism roll off my back though.

 

I definitely blame myself a lot for the end of a relationship and think if I had only done x, y, z, instead........

[Naomi99]

Posting this moreso for fun than anything:

 

ESFJ Strengths

 

Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations

Warm, friendly and affirming by nature

Service-oriented, they want to please others

Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities

Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them

Generally very good money managers

Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events

 

ESFJ Weaknesses

 

Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories

Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism

Need a lot of positive affirmation to feel good about themselves

May be overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see them

Have very difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, and are likely to take the blame for the failure onto their own shoulders

Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them

Don't pay enough attention to their own needs, and may be self-sacrificing

May tend to use guilt manipulation as a way to get what they want

 

 

These are big issues for me. Status conscious…not so much the guy has to drive a BMW…not into labels like that, but I will roll my eyes if you buy generic ketchup (BLECH) or if your suit is rumpled (men I work with.)

 

 

"Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them" what does this mean? If my best friend is cheating on her husband, I cannot accept that about her??

[reinventmyself]

Yes and my ex used both simultaneously. It was switching between "you're heartless" and "I know I messed up, I've changed, just give me one more chance" and "think about that awesome birthday cake I got you!" (Lol, really? That's all you got?) and "you never got me to meet your family" (only dates for 6 months more than half of which wasn't good, so...yea nice try bringing out the family card). It was entertaining, really, like watching an act.

 

all those things are said to solicit a response from you.

so, so far the score is 1 to 0, his favor

[Naomi99]

Your ENA posts remind me of a heroine in the anti-romance novel I just read.

 

(Why do I say this right after you posted about his nutty email? Because you are choosing to stay in touch with him.)

 

What book??? I was going to start a Warren Buffett book but this sounds so much more fun!

 

Also we have been out of touch for two weeks…the last few texts he sent, I never responded to. Two weeks of silence and then he sends that lovely long-winded email this morning and I haven't responded, not even sure if I want to. Big balloony emotional letters that are bloated with "I this" and "I that" that are pointless.

[Naomi99]

all those things are said to solicit a response from you.

so, so far the score is 1 to 0, his favor

 

How? I didn't respond.

[boltnrun]

Because you're planning to meet with him.

 

Which is exactly what he wants.

[journeynow]

These are big issues for me. Status conscious…not so much the guy has to drive a BMW…not into labels like that, but I will roll my eyes if you buy generic ketchup (BLECH) or if your suit is rumpled (men I work with.)

 

 

"Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them" what does this mean? If my best friend is cheating on her husband, I cannot accept that about her??

 

I remember reading eye rolling (in connection to a partner) being a prediction of divorce. It is a sign of contempt which does not bode well for the partnership. (something to keep in mind)

 

"Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them"… What's the title of this thread again?

[Naomi99]

I remember reading eye rolling (in connection to a partner) being a prediction of divorce. It is a sign of contempt which does not bode well for the partnership. (something to keep in mind)

 

" Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them]"… What's the title of this thread again?

 

AHAHHAH!!!

 

Okay…I read that eye-rollng thing too somewhere, but you know what? I NEVER rolled my eyes at any of my exes before…not even the 10-year one or the doctor. I also never dared slapped anyone's hand, not a lover or a boyfriend. Maybe a little sister, but rare.

 

But I slapped trip-guy's hand probably two or three times, as his fingers were inching their way across the table to take food off my plate.

[katrina1980]

[/size][/b][/i][/u]

 

AHAHHAH!!!

 

Okay…I read that eye-rollng thing too somewhere, but you know what? I NEVER rolled my eyes at any of my exes before…not even the 10-year one or the doctor. I also never dared slapped anyone's hand, not a lover or a boyfriend. Maybe a little sister, but rare.

 

But I slapped trip-guy's hand probably two or three times, as his fingers were inching their way across the table to take food off my plate.

 

I have not read this entire thread but he sounds like a big baby that needs to be disciplined. Grabbing food from your plate, you slapped his hands, all sounds very silly.

[notalady]

[/size][/b][/i][/u]

 

AHAHHAH!!!

 

Okay…I read that eye-rollng thing too somewhere, but you know what? I NEVER rolled my eyes at any of my exes before…not even the 10-year one or the doctor. I also never dared slapped anyone's hand, not a lover or a boyfriend. Maybe a little sister, but rare.

 

But I slapped trip-guy's hand probably two or three times, as his fingers were inching their way across the table to take food off my plate.

 

He probably thinks it's a cute little game you play. You telling him off, him defying you.

[boltnrun]

He probably thinks it's a cute little game you play. You telling him off, him defying you.

 

Yep, because he did tell her how cute she looks when she's mad. Then he'd smother her face with kisses.

 

Sounds like the kid in third grade who pulled the ponytail of the girl he had a crush on.

[Naomi99]

I never responded to that mega email he sent yesterday morning.

 

This morning I woke up to 34 texts saying he feels abandoned and try to imagine if I was in his shoes. He says he doesn't deserve to be treated this way and he is owed an explanation for the break up; that "this is not the relationship I want" and "we are incompatible" makes him left wondering.

 

 

And wow. I just opened my email and have another message from him please requesting to talk. He can't eat or sleep. He says that I can just turn it off and move on and he can't; this is not how he operates. He wants to talk so he can be sure that we are making the right decision, not out of fear, but because of a true understanding of what we mean to each other. He is profoundly saddened and doesn't want to end it this way and to please let him know I am receiving his messages and that I haven't blocked him.

 

 

Sheeeeeeze.

 

 

Screw him. "This is not how I operate." Condescending and controlling.

 

Well, this is how *I* operate.

 

"To make sure that we are making the right decision."

 

WE?? WE?? Ha! I dumped YOU, you cheapskate, and that decision was made, BY ME, now over a month ago!

 

 

The more he pushes me, the less I want to have a discussion with him.

[journeynow]

Wow…………. 34 texts following a 15 page email……….

[Naomi99]

You know, I had reservations when I first dumped him. It was sad. He should have pulled NC on me and then I would have really questioned my decision and maybe considered a second chance with him.

 

But him bombarding me with his overbearing messages, not well-thought out ramblings, over-emotional communication just solidifies my decision to dump… and NEVER get back.

 

So if your ex dumps you, it really is best to say, "Okay, thank you." and move on. That is the best way to make them doubt their decision.

[Naomi99]

Wow…………. 34 texts following a 15 page email……….

 

His vagina is bigger than all of ours put together.

[journeynow]

His vagina is bigger than all of ours put together.

Stop, Naomi99. Seriously.

[annie24]

Stop, Naomi99. Seriously.

 

I mean, yeah. No reason to call someone a "body part" if they do or do not act a certain way.

 

For you, I would just block him and move on. He obviously has some big issues. Normal people don't send 34 texts in a row. I often say that anyone can break up for any reason. You can break up with a man because you hate his purple shoes. That's a legitimate reason as well.

[journeynow]

So, you two are incompatible and you refuse to block him after breaking up with him. Why the need to insult him, talk about diapering him and his vagina? I'm serious, why this impulse on your part?

[reinventmyself]

Write him an email explanation in return and call it a day.

He is writing you because you haven't fully closed the door on this.

You keep it open just enough to get him to keep coming around.

 

It's not very nice. . .especially if you think of him as nothing more than an annoying vagina.

Tell him. . be done with it and both of you move on.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Text him: "yes we have no bananas". Then block and delete him.

[IAmFCA]

Reminder that in a prior thread you had hoped to find a way to act, not react; to moderate your responses by focusing on your path and letting go of whether other people fit into your framework - either they do or they don't is all that matters.

 

Anger is the cloak we wear over pain. When we express hurt, we feel vulnerable. When we express anger, we feel powerful. We get hurt, experience anger as a coping mechanism to protect us from pain, and express anger outwardly to counter the power someone else had over us enough to cause us pain (whether they caused it or not, that is how we see it).

 

Ironic, because power and vulnerability are inverted. Anger makes us vulnerable because we need to see that our powerful emotion was felt by the other party. Anger is meaningless without an audience. Expressing hurt is powerful it is irrefutable. It needs no validation, no audience. It is a statement of ownership over oneself.

 

Naomi, this anger that comes out of you is a reflection of your need for validation, your need to be seen and have a vision of you reflected back to you. The need for validation comes out in other areas, such as how you host and want recognition for hosting others, to pick at a sore subject. Or how this man was attractive to you in part because of his chaotic nature, and the idea that his diffuse vision would become focused on you, his loose ends coming together neatly in his affection for you. That act of changing him would validate your value, your power, your importance.

 

That need for validation is the beginning and the end of this story. If you want a different pattern, I would start untangling that need and see what you can do to reduce, redirect, or eliminate it.

 

 

So long as you are expressing anger, you are inviting him and others to continue to engage with you. Anger is meaningless when it has no audience.