How come I can't magnify the good?

[Naomi99]

It's not things vs. people. I already know I want people in my life.

 

It's how to quit focusing on the negative and be grateful for the positive.

 

In the example of the tacos in bed, why did I let that bother me so much instead of focusing on here's a guy who loves spending time with me, we both have nothing to do on a weekday when everyone else is at work, he'll clean up the dishes anyway, and he's f-ing hot and is crazy about me. Instead I focus on how he irritated me by asking to eat tacos in my bed.

 

Like I can't see the big picture, or something along those lines.

[katrina1980]

It's not things vs. people. I already know I want people in my life.

 

It's how to quit focusing on the negative and be grateful for the positive.

 

In the example of the tacos in bed, why did I let that bother me so much instead of focusing on here's a guy who loves spending time with me, we both have nothing to do on a weekday when everyone else is at work, he'll clean up the dishes anyway, and he's f-ing hot and is crazy about me. Instead I focus on how he irritated me by asking to eat tacos in my bed.

 

Like I can't see the big picture, or something along those lines.

 

One word -- FEAR.

 

Typical "flight or fight" response.

 

You choose fight instead of flight as a way to create DISTANCE.

 

I typically choose flight to create that distance.

 

Both reflect the same thing. FEAR.

[boltnrun]

But when THEY keep YOU at a distance (i.e., the doctor), you swoon. And are all accommodating, trying to please them (at your own detriment oftentimes, it seems).

 

Do you want what you can't have? Does what you have to struggle to get have more value to you than what comes "easy"?

[Dahl]

Hello, Naomi. For what it's worth, I started counting things I appreciate some time back as a substitute for sheep. Not teasing.

 

It didn't work against insomnia, but I realized with belated astonishment that it had a profound effect on my perspective on the world, at large.

 

I realize that it sounds awfully simplistic, but I kind of suspect that is why it had the effect on me that it did. I didn't dig any deeper than rattling off the single-sentence notations to myself, and after hitting triple digits in the wee hours when I was using it as a random listing device (and come to think of it, I really wound up scrabbling for every, little bitty infinitesimally teensy gratitude I could possibly find to even get to double digits: 'um, let's see - I liked the.. Er, smell of the air.. Unexpectedly crisp for a summer evening.. On my walk earlier. And, hmn.. I also didn't trod in anything icky on same walk, which was just super..') I was sort of stuck noticing the most basic things, but I still do it and it still makes me feel better.

 

Hope this helps, even remotely. Good luck.

[Pretzel]

I don't know, I think you're being a little hard on yourself. It's perfectly fine to have standards or a checklist, as long as they aren't crazy high and unrealistic. I don't know about the dr guy, but I did follow your ups and downs with the trip-guy, and i think that you didn't sound unreasonable at all and that definitely sounded like a clash in basic values that only MANIFESTED itself in the small stuff. So actually, it wasn't just small stuff, wasn't a granola bar here and there or a dipping finger in your cake once in a while (the image of being alone because of fear of a dipping finger did make me laugh though - sounds like something i would say!)

 

There are some things you can live with, and compromise on, and some things you can't. It's a good time to do some self-reflection and figure out what those things may be. One thing I am learning to do in my relationship right now is to pick my battles. I'm letting certain things go based on a gut feeling that i can adjust and it will be alright.

But, there are something that need to be said. In a nice, tactful way. And then the monitoring for actual change follows.

 

Don't worry Naomi, the best is yet to come I believe

[Capricorn3]

Examine if you want to be right or have a relationship.

I think this is what it all boils down to.

[Naomi99]

No, no, no. It isn't "you're too hard on yourself" or "you want what you can't have" or "always be right"

 

This is how I know.

 

The last time trip-guy called me, he said, "Fix it. Fix it. Why do you have to be like this???!! You seem to think my actions threaten you, and you get upset. Can't you see all I want to do is make you happy? There's too much good in this relationship and it's not worth breaking up over. You don't see the good, and I do. Don't be an idiot. Fix it!"

 

The past few days, I've been thinking about everything he said, and it dawned on me my ex would say the exact same words. We would get into an argument and he would tell me, "You tend to dwell on the negative instead of focusing on everything wonderful that you have. Brad Pitt, with all his good looks and tons of money, couldn't make you happy. Fix yourself. CHANGE YOUR THINKING. This is all about you, not me. If you change your thinking, we will be so much happier."

 

Every argument with my ex would be like that, and of course, I thought my ex was blaming me for everything. But now I've got my ex AND trip-guy saying essentially the same things about me, and they don't even know each other!! They're both brilliant men, they both know me intimately, so there's no doubt there's definitely something wrong with my thought process if both of them say it.

 

I just don't know how to go about addressing it. I"ve been in therapy for years, but moved and haven't started it back up.

 

I feel like I owe my ex an apology after trip-guy validated everything he used to say about me.

 

I'm damaged.

[RainyCoast]

i don't think it is the case that you are hypercritical and unwilling to magnify the good, and that apart from a few annoying little traits they're perfect. granola guy was treating you as a b and b, blatantly living off you. if someone is that rotten, you're going to be repulsed. if they stick their finger in your food, you won't be able to calm yourself down by focusing on greater things because greater things aren't good- greater things are He is living off you.

 

doc i don't remember well and dread reading through so many posts. but i remember you trudging uphill with a portable master chef kitchen and ingredients only to be literally kicked out after. that bigger thing would not appease me either, even if i magnified his sex appeal or whatever it was he had.

[Naomi99]

Hello, Naomi. For what it's worth, I started counting things I appreciate some time back as a substitute for sheep. Not teasing.

 

It didn't work against insomnia, but I realized with belated astonishment that it had a profound effect on my perspective on the world, at large.

 

I realize that it sounds awfully simplistic, but I kind of suspect that is why it had the effect on me that it did. I didn't dig any deeper than rattling off the single-sentence notations to myself, and after hitting triple digits in the wee hours when I was using it as a random listing device (and come to think of it, I really wound up scrabbling for every, little bitty infinitesimally teensy gratitude I could possibly find to even get to double digits: 'um, let's see - I liked the.. Er, smell of the air.. Unexpectedly crisp for a summer evening.. On my walk earlier. And, hmn.. I also didn't trod in anything icky on same walk, which was just super..') I was sort of stuck noticing the most basic things, but I still do it and it still makes me feel better.

 

Hope this helps, even remotely. Good luck.

 

Thank for this, and yes, it does help! I put a post-it on my headboard saying "count positive thoughts." And I want to make them quality thoughts like "I'm thankful I have a girlfriend who lives down the street who brings me my favorite soup," and not "I'm thankful for water" type of stuff.

 

I used to keep a gratitude journal and list three things I'm thankful for, but that lasted about five seconds. It sounds much more efficient to do it the way you;ve explained here, in your head before sleeping.

[RainyCoast]

The last time trip-guy called me, he said, "Fix it. Fix it. Why do you have to be like this???!! You seem to think my actions threaten you, and you get upset. Can't you see all I want to do is make you happy? There's too much good in this relationship and it's not worth breaking up over. You don't see the good, and I do. Don't be an idiot. Fix it!"

 

 

WHAT?!!!!!!!!

 

he was using you. he refused to do or contribute anything. how are you supposed to fixitfixit?! what kind of bleep does one have to be to demand the other disregards the fact they are being used and brainwashes themselves into believing their leech is good, if only they expand their vision beyond the fact he is a selfish user?

 

trip guy didn't confirm ex was right. they are both just people who want to get you to accept the responsibility and burden of the behavior of others, abandon your needs and wants and accommodate yourself to them endlessly and who have the nerve to suggest if you are calling them out on their bull, you are being unfairly harsh. granolaa$$ lived off you. please go back to read your updates on him so you get the visuals and reexperience the visceral rage and disgust again.

 

it doesn't keep happening that they say stuff like this because they spot you are hypercritical, it keeps happening because you choose people who you need to sacrifice for, rather than people who reciprocate.

[Naomi99]

i don't think it is the case that you are hypercritical and unwilling to magnify the good, and that apart from a few annoying little traits they're perfect. granola guy was treating you as a b and b, blatantly living off you. if someone is that rotten, you're going to be repulsed. if they stick their finger in your food, you won't be able to calm yourself down by focusing on greater things because greater things aren't good- greater things are He is living off you.

 

You're hearing everything from my side, though.

 

I never mentioned how I walked into his house and there was an extra christmas stocking on the fireplace for me, he bought it because he didn't want me to feel left out with all of his roommates' stockings there; how he surprised me and set up a tent in my living room and decorated it with tiny little italian lights and we ate dinner inside on top of a million throw pillows; or how he lugged the kayak all the way to the water at night and paddled for hours in the dark so we could see the super moon, even though he was exhausted. I didnt have to do one thing except not fall in the water….or how he gave me the better sleeping bag, the better spot, the better everything. How we would go to Trader Joe's and he would get two samples always, one for me and one for him. Or how he stole fruit from those people's house for me. (oh yeah, I told you about that.) Or how there was a mouse in my kitchen cabinet and he cleaned out the entire thing while I stood in the dining room and screamed. I didn't tell you my toilet got clogged and he hopped on his bike and went to the hardware store and the bought stuff to fix it. Or how he would text me a zillion times a day or do tons of research on a new iMac for me or go with me to my cycling class, even though he'd rather be mountain biking. Making me coffee every morning. His strong work ethic and dedication to helping people. Why can't I see any of that when he's stealing my granola bars?

 

My ex would do wonderful things for me too…but even better because he was actually funny and made me laugh too. Things like elaborate treasure hunts, and the last note is taped under our dog's paw who had been following us around the entire time.

 

Man, I'm sad now. I am definitely dying alone, but at least i'll be with my five granola bars.

[Naomi99]

 

WHAT?!!!!!!!!

 

it doesn't keep happening that they say stuff like this because they spot you are hypercritical, it keeps happening because you choose people who you need to sacrifice for, rather than people who reciprocate.

 

Really hope you're right.

 

I think possibly trip-guy and my ex's way of reciprocating is different than I want. And so it makes me feel taken for granted.

 

Not sure how to solve this. But I gotta solve it before I get into my next relationship.

[RainyCoast]

it wasn't a few granola bars. you said it amounted to hundreds, the stuff he ate, even when asked to leave some for you.

 

so, i think it's back to you not being clear about what you want. i mean not communicating it clearly for them what you want and what you absolutely won't have. if the food thing hadn't been a deal breaker, sure the tent and bike and mouse and stuff would've been great. but they don't compensate for the deal-breaker. if he cheated on you, could you make yourself happy with him by focusing on the mouse and tent and stuff?

 

and when you do make it clear, they disregard it. granolaazz kept doing it. doc did too if i remember it well.

 

i'm pretty sure if there wasn't something major bothering you, a pink pen and talking with a toothbrush in their mouth wouldn't bother you. sometimes we pick a stupid thing to displace all our frustration on to because we are afraid to confront the person on a bigger issue, but we can't contain our dissatisfaction. like screaming at someone for leaving his dirty socks around, when the issue is they never do anything at all, rather than the issue being they do everything but put their socks in the bin.

[Naomi99]

Yes, it was hundreds. I didn't forget.

 

We are still broken up and I haven't changed my mind about my decision. But there IS major reflection going on on my end as to why my path ends with square one again. What am I doing wrong?

 

But really, if two guys say the same thing about me, there's got to a smidgen of truth to it. That's what worries me.

[mustlovedogs]

My ex called me uptight and I was. I would get irrationally mad in bad traffic, emotional over a perceived slight, stressed in a crowded kitchen...

 

Recognizing that was a problem was a good first step. Then when I felt myself doing these things, I took a deep breath and said "why does this bother me?" And I would really answer why. "Because traffic annoys me"

 

But I knew there would be traffic. So I gave enough time. I wasn't going to be late in the traffic. So how bad was it? I switch to a song I like and carry on.

 

You recognize you do these things. What I did may help you. Think why are you upset and think what's the worst that can happen. That calms me down.

[itsallgrand]

One word -- FEAR.

 

Typical "flight or fight" response.

 

You choose fight instead of flight as a way to create DISTANCE.

 

I typically choose flight to create that distance.

 

Both reflect the same thing. FEAR.

 

What I was thinking.

 

I think a lot of your behaviour is fear driven in an automatic impulse way. From choosing men who are not good fits to get close to ( even though you know they are unavailable or incompatible). To your focus on perfectionism and controlling your environment. To the high irritation at minor things in the grand scheme. It all sounds fear driven and familiar.

 

Fear has this way of amplifying negatives to a point where it can virtually burn out positives in our idiom and experience, depending on severity.

 

I'm not a therapist, this is merely my thoughts on it and using some of my experience and relating.

 

If you know it's fear, then you can start to try and balance it. It's a slow process. When fear runs a life, and our whole system is moving in that direction. But it can be done; a change of direction.

[RainyCoast]

yeah there may be a smidgen of truth in it, and they may use that to deflect responsibility. forget the fact i live off you, how about you getting annoyed when my mouth foams with toothpaste, that's the reason it isn't working so fixitfixitfixit.

 

it's schizoid splitting, to first see them as all bad, then yourself as all bad and they're perfect. to move past that, you do what you're doing now, you acknowledge they had some good traits, and you had some bad ones. that doesn't mean you should take full blame. it just means acknowledging you had a problem you didn't see. when it bugs you like that to the point you feel like a criminal that's when you've hit the depressive position and it triggers the need to right your wrongs. by for example, making it a habit to practice tolerance of the small stuff, and insist on not sweeping the major bad stuff under the rug and self-sacrifice.

 

do you think you fuss the small things so much because you are...spoiled, shallow...or do you think it's more to do with displacement of your real frustrations on to smaller ones? considering that you can appreciate small things, like the tent, help getting a mouse out, even a sample from trader joe's...i would assume it's more the other.

[RainyCoast]

also i remember first when you would start by complaining about them... it seemed petty to everyone..until you went on to say more, and it turned out the petty things were just micro examples of the bigger picture, like granola using you, and you not communicating and reinforcing your boundaries.

 

so they're not...small things, you have to take them completely out of context to make them seem so. like you're furious over a granola bar, when you're furious you're a luxury all inclusive hotel who gets nothing in return, and with yourself that you are inwardly screaming but compliant on the outside until you snap---over a powerbar.

[catfeeder]

Examine if you want to be right or have a relationship.

 

...and examine whether you want the right relationship.

 

Just about every couples counseling session or article about conflict in relationships will point out that whenever we're picking at nits, it's our signal that we're dissatisfied with something about our partner that's far larger and more difficult to identify or grapple with.

 

When we come out sideways over stuff that may be inconsequential yet packs an emotional wallop, that's because it's carrying the weight of the real stuff we don't want to confront.

 

So I wouldn't minimize the importance of your intuition during these times. You may be misdirecting your emotions by loading something that's otherwise insignificant, but the emotions themselves are real--and they're telling you something important.

[East4]

 

WHAT?!!!!!!!!

 

he was using you. he refused to do or contribute anything. how are you supposed to fixitfixit?! what kind of bleep does one have to be to demand the other disregards the fact they are being used and brainwashes themselves into believing their leech is good, if only they expand their vision beyond the fact he is a selfish user?

 

trip guy didn't confirm ex was right. they are both just people who want to get you to accept the responsibility and burden of the behavior of others, abandon your needs and wants and accommodate yourself to them endlessly and who have the nerve to suggest if you are calling them out on their bull, you are being unfairly harsh. granolaa$$ lived off you. please go back to read your updates on him so you get the visuals and reexperience the visceral rage and disgust again.

 

it doesn't keep happening that they say stuff like this because they spot you are hypercritical, it keeps happening because you choose people who you need to sacrifice for, rather than people who reciprocate.

 

+1

 

The trip-guy is a total free-loader and lacks some basic manners. What he does it to heap blame on you, so that he feels guilt-free. Or else he is trying to manipulate you to feel guilty and take him back...so that he could keep on emptying your fridge and even worse, eat tacos in your bed. You are in your house, you set the rules. If the rule says no tacos in bed, then it is not tacos in bed. I would not allow other people, no matter who they are-friends, my son, my aunt, or a boyfriend to dirty my bed. And has the nerve to protest and blame you for not seeing the good in him? What good?

 

The only problem I see is you Naomi have a good instincts, but you do not trust them. You make a decision, you act on it, and then you come back to revisit your decision and torture yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself, girl? Just do what you do, and quit question your course of action. Trust your instincts.

[Fudgie]

also i remember first when you would start by complaining about them... it seemed petty to everyone..until you went on to say more, and it turned out the petty things were just micro examples of the bigger picture, like granola using you, and you not communicating and reinforcing your boundaries.

 

so they're not...small things, you have to take them completely out of context to make them seem so. like you're furious over a granola bar, when you're furious you're a luxury all inclusive hotel who gets nothing in return, and with yourself that you are inwardly screaming but compliant on the outside until you snap---over a powerbar.

 

I agree with this completely. I don't think that you are magnifying bad things, I think you are actually overlooking some serious red flags in relationships and then you bottle up your resentment until it comes out in explosive, seemingly inappropriate ways.

 

For example, let's take the tacos in bed. I don't believe for a second that you just randomly flipped out on him for wanting to eat tacos in your bed. There was a pattern of inconsideration and such that did occur, but you ignored/bottled up, until something else happened (small) and then you unleashed your pent up resentment.

[Naomi99]

6757688]

doc i don't remember well and dread reading through so many posts..

 

 

 

OMG that was the first time I laughed so hard in three days. Memories…..

[journeynow]

I just don't know how to go about addressing it.

 

I suggest using those moments of annoyance to step back, catch your breath, and explore what is really bothering you. Journal it. Discuss with your therapist. Explore deeper. Your past relationships probably ended for bigger reasons, not because of tacos in bed or taking granola bars. Your reaction about those things may have been your inner warning system activating. It sounds like those exes disrespected you, and that's huge. Your ex sounds very dismissive! (" Fix yourself." Really?…how helpful of him.) I think you may be focused on the negative because something deeper is awry in the relationship and you hadn't uncovered it. Relationships have ups and downs, connections and differences. If you react intensely and with drama, it's hard for real communication and progress to happen. It's ok to acknowledge your feelings, but if you can step back to distill what you need and then communicate it with respect for yourself and the other, it may make a difference in how you focus, and could acknowledge the positive despite addressing the negative.

 

That said, I do think a gratitude practice helps immensely. Sometimes when I'm in turmoil over something (or someone, actually) I'll give myself the challenge of acknowledging the current rift "AND" (key word, "and") list 10 positives (or 20, 50, or 100, depending on my level of turmoil) about the bigger situation (or the other person). And sometimes that means doing it about my self.

 

Finally, focusing only on the positive might prevent a person from taking action when action is needed. So be careful about dismissing or ignoring the negatives.

[empath]

Jumping in late here (to the whole Naomi Experience)! So I probably have no idea what I'm talking about... but that never stopped me before!

 

I think it's a very interesting general problem, not just one Naomi is confronting. Some people probably are very easy-going with their preferences; and those people tend to get married young. But they're the exception, I think. Most of us (in 'Western society', anyway) struggle to make cohere our desires for deep and lasting romantic connections and our independence/ specific preferences.

 

Lots of things that people mentioned, besides that point, seem apt: for example, the role of fear – as in these preferences, which really do exist, only become serious problems when one is covertly (to herself!) looking for ways to avoid deep and lasting connection, even though she wants it.

 

It's hard to judge what is 'reasonable', though, from the outside. As N emphasizes, we're only getting her take here. Even if we weren't, it's hard to judge these things in text form over the internet. (Not always: e.g., if physical violence were involved, we could state categorically: that is never ok.) When it comes to thinks like Tacos in the Bed (the name of my next jam band!), it's harder (to me, anyway!) to judge. I mean, I think it's pretty dumb to be eating tacos in bed. I also probably would be ok with it if it were some lady I were infatuated with and who was being supercareful about it, you know? (Though that infatuation part is probably key – it's not just the being old part that makes one cranky, it's the relationship getting older: the reversion to form that occurs after the 'companion' part of the relationship really gets underway and it's less of the mere infatuation part...)

 

But I have other issues, and I find it sometimes hard to compromise, to be a Better Person about it all, despite being 41 and (somewhat!) self-aware. (I'll spare folks the examples because that would make this even longer.) I also have been very much on the other side of it: with women who seem to, at times, barely be able to bear the thought of someone upsetting their apple cart of an existence (despite their desire to be with me). So we clash – either way or both ways.

 

Of course, so do those married ones... maybe they still work it out, but I think we've all seen enough sitcoms by now to recognize marital bickering – sometimes for lifetimes – about the same damned things!

 

I don't know that there's an easy answer, though, because so much depends on the particulars and the people involved. I have a feeling that sometimes, if we were in the physical presence of the people involved (e.g., Naomi and TripGuy [lead singer of Tacos on the Bed!]), we might have a certain view of the matter of 'reasonableness' that it's hard to get through this medium. Like if we saw TripGuy's demeanor and Naomi's demeanor over a bit of time, we might have a certain stance. And if were were friends with one or the other, our views might be affected by that. And so on.

 

If it's merely Tacos on the Bed and everything else is like a dream, then yes, we would normally say: Naomi! You're scared or something! Don't run!

 

However, if it's but one of many signs of his perhaps 'small' but persistent respect issues, then we might feel differently. As people go back and forth about, it is, or it isn't, Just Tacos ®.

 

None of us can say where the line is but Naomi. But then: she is conflicted... as is often the case for many of us. I have been there (like all the time!). And I also worry about myself: varyingly 'pride', self-interest, fear, general dysfunction, etc.: whatever it or the combination is, is it keeping me from lasting happiness? Yes, we all have to compromise, but how much? And don't we need compromise from the other person? What do they need from me, what do I need from them, and can we provide it?

 

The people who are on the fence and get married made one choice: in return, they get companionship... and also probably persistent issues until they're no longer together, by separation or death. The couple who, like Naomi and TripGuy, break it off, miss the companionship, but do keep their preferences, possibly their integrity.

 

I don't have a solution (so helpful, as usual!) because these are the kinds of things that for most of us are the whole kit & kaboodle about forming lasting romantic bonds with another human being – in an age where, increasingly, there is freedom to choose, without coercion whether or not to bond. In an Austen or James novel, wealth, social standing, etc., would be playing those roles... now it's Tacos in the Bed.

 

Thank goodness from the feminist pov, for one, on that latter point! But to cruddily paraphrase Sartre, the freedom is always there, and it is both awesome and terrible.

[Naomi99]

do you think you fuss the small things so much because you are...spoiled, shallow...or do you think it's more to do with displacement of your real frustrations on to smaller ones? considering that you can appreciate small things, like the tent, help getting a mouse out, even a sample from trader joe's...i would assume it's more the other.

 

I think it is both. Like I said, both of these men would reciprocate in their own way. Then when I realize, hey, they're getting the better end of the deal, I start dwelling and feeling taken for granted. All of the positive gets forgotten and all I can think is "retreat! retreat!"

 

Then I find myself all alone, realizing I just lost my partner over something silly that I threw out of proportion and could have been prevented.

 

After all, can you take clean sheets with you to the grave? Do granola bars really matter once you've got alzheimers and can't remember anything anyway?