How come I can't magnify the good?

[Wiseman2]

Perfect opportunity to respond with a lovely poem....all about him. Copy, paste and send, go ahead, do it.

He goes on and on about my flaws and how he is willing to overlook them to stay with me. I did a word count on the word "I." He used "I" 73 times in his letter.

we go to a shop you sat in the car

we get home you ate from my jar

 

you stay with and ex, too cheap for a motel

and in the morning your breath smells like hell

 

now these are the good things

let me get to the part that really stings

 

your weinie is too small

and that's not all

 

you eat like a hog

your brain is in a fog

 

when you left I didn't pine

now my food and bed are all mine

[RainyCoast]

lol. you're the little devil on her shoulder.

 

"tell him. tell him his weenie is tiny. do it. you'll love it."

[Naomi99]

Write him a poem

 

we go to a shop you sat in the car

we get home you ate from my jar

 

you stay with and ex, too cheap for a motel

and in the morning your breath smells like hell

 

now these are the good things

let me get to the part that really stings

 

your weinie is too small

and that's not all

 

you eat like a hog

your brain is in a fog

 

when you left I didn't pine

now my food and bed are all mine

 

You waste my time and you haven't a clue

I'd rather make rhymes with Wiseman2.

 

You steal my pen and and eat all my fruit

Don't come to my house, you'll get the boot.

[East4]

You waste my time and you haven't a clue

I'd rather make rhymes with Wiseman2.

 

You steal my pen and and eat all my fruit

Don't come to my house, you'll get the boot.

 

Love that.

[East4]

I believe the last time I took that test, I was INSJ? INSF? I can't remember the exact letters or they're even correct, but I know the first letter was introversion.

 

/

 

Can you please spare 10 minutes on that and let me know the result, if yo wish?

[reinventmyself]

In light of him listing your faults, I don't see the need to meet. But that's me.

I have an aversion to drama and don't see anything good coming of it.

 

If Naomi's lesson is to learn to speak up responsibly in the moment and not wait until she spills over, I think showing up prepared to rail him after the fact is just more of the same.

Maybe it's best to take the high road on this one, to care enough about your own peace of mind and not put yourself in a possible volatile situation where nothing good comes of but the satisfaction of telling someone off? Personally, I wouldn't feel I needed to defend myself in this situation and that's how it comes off to me.

 

Personally I would be much more satisfied if I could have preempted any of this to begin by taking my time, making better choices and speaking responsibly in the moment. Isn't that a more valuable lesson?

 

She protests too much that she has better things to do and lists them, yet she'll make time for this dramatic episode?

To each his own. My way doesn't mean it's the right way. Just another way of looking at it.

 

I guess the thing here is to get brutally honest about your intentions.

I have a sneaking suspicion Naomi hopes he tells her everything she wants to hear. So far it doesn't look good.

At the very least be open to criticism, after all it take two.

Keep us posted. .

[East4]

You have so much faith in me. If anything, I won't engage in emotional outburst so you will be proud of me. Forget what I look like in public or to the other person…doesn't matter.

 

well, i thought I could remind you and people here that you had been capable to pull it all together in a remarquable way when you were in this mess with the doctor. There you have been involved much deeper and if you recall you even didn't dare to express anger. Also on the time line, then it took you 8 months to start thinking that that relationship might have not been right for you.

With trip-guy; it only took you 3 months and you are well in touch with your difficult emotions (anger, contempt); something that you didn't dare face with the doctor.

 

In the face of such a convincing improvement, yes I firmly believe that you can deal with trip-guy like a pro. You have one tiny bit to accomplish - express difficult feelings in a calm manner. You are absolutely capable of mastering it.

[Naomi99]

/

 

Can you please spare 10 minutes on that and let me know the result, if yo wish?

That was fun, but i was hesitant to hit the max or minimum of the choices. Should I take it again?

 

ESFJ-A

 

52 Extraverted/48 introverted

44 intuitive/56 observant

49 thinking/51 feeling

82 judging/18 prospecting

62 assertive/38 turbulent

[JaggerJim]

You both have this "one up-man ship" of each other, like this competitive nature has exploded out of both of you. Let it go!

 

Let him "think" you were in the wrong. Who cares! I don't think you need to meet up with him. I think just let him wallow in his pathetic email. You know the truth!

[annie24]

That was fun, but i was hesitant to hit the max or minimum of the choices. Should I take it again?

 

ESFJ-A

 

52 Extraverted/48 introverted

44 intuitive/56 observant

49 thinking/51 feeling

82 judging/18 prospecting

62 assertive/38 turbulent

 

I'm ESFJ-A as well.

[East4]

An excerpt from the chapter ESFJ in relationship:

 

ESFJs are warm, loyal people who want to feel trusted and valued. They are great with practical matters like money management and administrative tasks, and are happy to take on such responsibilities in the name of taking care of the people they care about, a wonderful quality. ESFJs just need to make sure they take the time to ensure that they build relationships that allow them to satisfy their own needs and dreams, with partners who appreciate their care and generosity fully, and who reciprocate as well.

[Naomi99]

In light of him listing your faults, I don't see the need to meet. But that's me.

I have an aversion to drama and don't see anything good coming of it.

 

If Naomi's lesson is to learn to speak up responsibly in the moment and not wait until she spills over, I think showing up prepared to rail him after the fact is just more of the same.

Maybe it's best to take the high road on this one, to care enough about your own peace of mind and not put yourself in a possible volatile situation where nothing good comes of but the satisfaction of telling someone off? Personally, I wouldn't feel I needed to defend myself in this situation and that's how it comes off to me.

 

Personally I would be much more satisfied if I could have preempted any of this to begin by taking my time, making better choices and speaking responsibly in the moment. Isn't that a more valuable lesson?

 

She protests too much that she has better things to do and lists them, yet she'll make time for this dramatic episode?

To each his own. My way doesn't mean it's the right way. Just another way of looking at it.

 

I guess the thing here is to get brutally honest about your intentions.

I have a sneaking suspicion Naomi hopes he tells her everything she wants to hear. So far it doesn't look good.

At the very least be open to criticism, after all it take two.

Keep us posted. .

 

Of course, I'm open to criticism! I post here on ENA, and read all of your posts, as loving and critical as they might be.

 

Many more things I'd rather be doing than sitting in a coffee shop discussing a breakup that is now over 1 month old.

Making rhymes with wiseman2, for one.

 

First, it will be "my day in court" if/when I get to voice the detailed reasons for terminating the relationship. Whether I voice or not, it's going to have the same result: I AM NOT TAKING HIM BACK. Therefore, the time, location, season doesn't matter to me when this meeting happens. It's not a priority. It is good practice for future relationships. Watching him get derailed, do I really want to do that? Not really, and that's definitely not my priority. Although there is some satisfaction when I think about him pillaging and ransacking my fridge, I'd rather have him ransack some other girl's fridge and let her deal with raising him.

 

Second, HE is the one asking for explanations; am I seeing someone else, how can I be so cold and aloof; how come I don't want to see him; he's devastated because he can't understand,…. Blah blah blah. Telling him the entire truth would be like shooting a horse to put it out of its misery.

[Naomi99]

An excerpt from the chapter ESFJ in relationship:

 

ESFJs are warm, loyal people who want to feel trusted and valued. They are great with practical matters like money management and administrative tasks, and are happy to take on such responsibilities in the name of taking care of the people they care about, a wonderful quality. ESFJs just need to make sure they take the time to ensure that they build relationships that allow them to satisfy their own needs and dreams, with partners who appreciate their care and generosity fully, and who reciprocate as well.

 

I didn't see that when I scrolled down…it's so true! It is spot-on!

 

I guess I should google and research the not-so-good parts that maybe I need to work on.

 

Thank you so much!

[annie24]

An excerpt from the chapter ESFJ in relationship:

 

ESFJs are warm, loyal people who want to feel trusted and valued. They are great with practical matters like money management and administrative tasks, and are happy to take on such responsibilities in the name of taking care of the people they care about, a wonderful quality. ESFJs just need to make sure they take the time to ensure that they build relationships that allow them to satisfy their own needs and dreams, with partners who appreciate their care and generosity fully, and who reciprocate as well.

 

Not to hijack Naomi's thread, lol.... I have a hard time with that myself, sometimes falling for a guy who isn't giving me very much in return. I'm trying to get better at the "balancing" - i.e., making sure that he's invested in me before I go gaga over him. This hasn't worked out well for me yet....

[Naomi99]

I'm ESFJ-A as well.

 

Uh oh---- Cersie Lannister is ESFJ-A as well.

 

 

[East4]

Not to hijack Naomi's thread, lol.... I have a hard time with that myself, sometimes falling for a guy who isn't giving me very much in return. I'm trying to get better at the "balancing" - i.e., making sure that he's invested in me before I go gaga over him. This hasn't worked out well for me yet....

 

The chapter "Strengths and Weaknesses" reads

 

"Too Selfless – The other side of this is that ESFJs sometimes try to establish their value with doting attention, something that can quickly overwhelm those who don’t need it, making it ultimately unwelcome. Furthermore, ESFJs often neglect their own needs in the process."

 

 

 

I wish more people had this "weakness", lol;-)

[Naomi99]

I wonder if Annie and I had a similar upbringing as children, and that's why we are this type. Or is this something that's been molded by past partners and relationships. Or maybe a combo of both?

 

Annie, i've tried "holding back" my affections and food and thoughtfulness when dating until I see signs that he is worth my efforts, but it just doesn't feel natural to me. It feels calculated.

[East4]

Naomi, reading through the ESFJ profile, I see this thread as an account of events for an ESFJ living up to the characteristics of her profile. It's up to you to see a therapist if you want, but what are you going to discuss exactly with the therapist? That you do not like being an ESFJ? I do not know it is up to you for the therapist, but why spending money if actually you have no problem, apart from belonging to a certain personality group. Is this really a problem, if all of the 16 personality types have both, and strengths, and weaknesses. Do we all then have to go to therapy?

 

Perhaps you can run a research by yourself, develop self awareness and only then if you have some very focused questions, go to discuss them with a therapist. You could save some money like that.

[boltnrun]

I'm curious to know what he thinks are your "flaws".

[Naomi99]

Naomi, reading through the ESFJ profile, I see this thread as an account of events for an ESFJ living up to the characteristics of her profile. It's up to you to see a therapist if you want, but what are you going to discuss exactly with the therapist? That you do not like being an ESFJ? I do not know it is up to you for the therapist, but why spending money if actually you have no problem, apart from belonging to a certain personality group. Is this really a problem, if all of the 16 personality types have both, and strengths, and weaknesses. Do we all then have to go to therapy?

 

Perhaps you can run a research by yourself, develop self awareness and only then if you have some very focused questions, go to discuss them with a therapist. You could save some money like that.

 

 

Good point. The therapy copay is $15, so it isn't too bad.

 

What is really costly for me is the time… the commute, finding parking, and the session itself is about two hours out of my evening that I'd rather spend reading up on this. The therapist hasn't even figured out my personality type, so how is she supposed to help me?

 

I do think the CBT group is beneficial. Skills on managing emotions that can be utilized by any personality type, without delving into personal issues. It's noninvasive and we meet other people who share similar situational problems and discuss most effective way to handle it.

 

Posting on this board is the best therapy of all.

[reinventmyself]

INFP-T here. Pretty spot on. Not sure about the turbulent part but I guess it's more fitting than the assertive.

But I am workin' on it!

[Naomi99]

I'm curious to know what he thinks are your "flaws".

 

That I am cold, abrupt, scornful, aloof. How could I be so in love with him one day and then flick the "off" switch and call it quits?

 

That nothing I said makes sense for breaking up.

[annie24]

That I am cold, abrupt, scornful, aloof. How could I be so in love with him one day and then flick the "off" switch and call it quits?

 

That nothing I said makes sense for breaking up.

 

I think that we're alike in that we're "givers" - we want to make our guests and friends feel comfortable - which is why you have all the nice food in your apartment for the guests, comfortable home, etc... but then you feel rather hurt if you don't feel like you're getting an equal amount back from them in other ways. It doesn't have to be 1 granola bar for 1 granola bar, but in other ways. I would always make sure with my ex Logan to have his favorite juice in my refrigerator and would spend time looking up recipes to cook for him.... and he did some nice things for me, but in other ways he was very selfish and wouldn't lend the same type of consideration to me (like stocking my favorite beverages at his place, etc....) He would give me rides and help me fix things around my apartment, but it usually involved a few whines on this part.

 

He also got upset at me the time I got him new bedsheets. I hated his old ones, they were old and had stains from a face cream from an ex 8 years ago. I thought he should have new sheets and I bought him new sheets but he got mad at me and said he wanted new sheets. I also didn't want to sleep on old sheets.

[East4]

That I am cold, abrupt, scornful, aloof. How could I be so in love with him one day and then flick the "off" switch and call it quits?

 

That nothing I said makes sense for breaking up.[/QUOTE]

 

Actually he is right on this. Because you have been, AGAIN, too kind with him and haven't told him the specifics. This is why I would respectfully suggest that you let him have it with both barrels.

Put your niceness aside for once and be specific about each and every time he mooched and took from you without reciprocation. Please, do not forget his "not drinking coffee".

 

At least like that he could not complain that your break up reasons do not make sense. ;-)

[RainyCoast]

That I am cold, abrupt, scornful, aloof. How could I be so in love with him one day and then flick the "off" switch and call it quits?

 

That nothing I said makes sense for breaking up.

they all have the same speech. i heard there is a template for those please take me back i have seen the light letters. there must be a bot writing these " how can you be so cold and end it FOR NO REASON when i put up with your sins and all" too.

blaaaaargh.