How come I can't magnify the good?

[boltnrun]

Why would you want to have sex with someone who annoys you so much and for whom you feel so much contempt?

 

I presume it's because you're one of those people who see sex as a bodily function rather than a result of mutual attraction or as a way to express love...yes?

[Naomi99]

I am SO glad you posted this! I wanted to come back here to post and then decided to wait until I found a better way to frame it.

 

Naomi: my question: Have you, can you do the following:

 

Sit down, with a green steno pad. On the left write down what behaviors you want gone. For each behavior on the left, in the right column write down an alternative behavior, one with which you would like him to replace the disagreeable behavior. Both columns are necessary. A person can't eliminate a behavior without adding a new one, to eliminate only creates a vacuum that needs filling. For example, nail biting is replaced with fist-making. Or, eating off of your plate is replaced with "May I please have a French fry?"

 

Make this list. Then ask yourself: what if he made these changes? What then?

 

 

CAUTION: This is purely an internal exercise. I don't recommend asking other people to make wholesale changes in this manner. Rather, I would like you to ask yourself how you would feel if he did. Observe that feeling.

 

There are so many behaviors I cannot tolerate. I've already spoken about them ad nauseum 28 pages!

 

And the things I need changed can't be replaced with a positive behavior. They're fundamental differences like NOT LISTENING TO ME and CHEAPNESS.

 

 

He lives like we are in the Great Depression…like scrounging for scraps in the fridge so he doesn't have to spend money. It's so annoying to see him rummaging through my fridge and using maraschino cherries from 2012 on top of a sad wilted salad. He doesn't have sheets on his bed and his clothes always stink like cigarette smoke and he doesn't even smoke! Buying over-ripe grayish tomatoes at the chinese supermarket because they're 10 cents cheaper. I'm like, dude, you wasted 10 cents worth of gas getting here and wasted a half an hour looking for a parking spot. Trust me, he is not poor because he makes comments like "I'll buy you XYZ if you move with me to so-and-so city" and he has properties and nice shoes. I'm all about being frugal and looking for deals and using every single part of a chicken, but he is plain cheap. I'd have to say the cheapness definitely is a deal breaker.

 

I HATE HATE HATE how he conveniently "forgets" his wallet all the time.

 

But after this new job, he is going to be getting a raise, and in 2020, he is going to be earning two to three times more than I do. So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

[Naomi99]

Why would you want to have sex with someone who annoys you so much and for whom you feel so much contempt?

 

I presume it's because you're one of those people who see sex as a bodily function rather than a result of mutual attraction or as a way to express love...yes?

 

This is so strange. I could never appreciate or understand the FWB or booty call type relationships because I love bonding and building and progressing and being in love, making breakfast in the morning, etc.... or so I thought.

But with him, I think I would be able to have tons of sex without being attached. I've never experienced that with someone before.

[boltnrun]

There are so many behaviors I cannot tolerate. I've already spoken about them ad nauseum 28 pages!

 

And the things I need changed can't be replaced with a positive behavior. They're fundamental differences like NOT LISTENING TO ME and CHEAPNESS.

 

 

He lives like we are in the Great Depression…like scrounging for scraps in the fridge so he doesn't have to spend money. It's so annoying to see him rummaging through my fridge and using maraschino cherries from 2012 on top of a sad wilted salad. He doesn't have sheets on his bed and his clothes always stink like cigarette smoke and he doesn't even smoke! Buying over-ripe grayish tomatoes at the chinese supermarket because they're 10 cents cheaper. I'm like, dude, you wasted 10 cents worth of gas getting here and wasted a half an hour looking for a parking spot. Trust me, he is not poor because he makes comments like "I'll buy you XYZ if you move with me to so-and-so city" and he has properties and nice shoes. I'm all about being frugal and looking for deals and using every single part of a chicken, but he is plain cheap. I'd have to say the cheapness definitely is a deal breaker.

 

I HATE HATE HATE how he conveniently "forgets" his wallet all the time.

 

But after this new job, he is going to be getting a raise, and in 2020, he is going to be earning two to three times more than I do. So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

 

And what about all that makes him sexy to you, enough that you still want to have sex with him??

[Naomi99]

And what about all that makes him sexy to you, enough that you still want to have sex with him??

 

Thus the title of my thread, "Why Can't I magnify the good?" We come full circle.

 

He's got a very sexy body and he's book smart. And like a cockroach, he would definitely survive an apocalypse.

 

Plus he would be an excellent candidate to propagate my genes with, if my eggs aren't rotten by now.

[boltnrun]

So you can't stand the guy and yet you want to have sex AND babies with him??

 

Color me baffled.

 

But at least I now understand why you won't break it off for good with him. You still want him despite all your protests.

 

So for the love of all that's holy, go BE with him!! Why all the drama??!!

[Naomi99]

That is purely from a biological viewpoint!

[IAmFCA]

There are so many behaviors I cannot tolerate. I've already spoken about them ad nauseum 28 pages!

 

And the things I need changed can't be replaced with a positive behavior. They're fundamental differences like NOT LISTENING TO ME and CHEAPNESS.

 

 

He lives like we are in the Great Depression…like scrounging for scraps in the fridge so he doesn't have to spend money. It's so annoying to see him rummaging through my fridge and using maraschino cherries from 2012 on top of a sad wilted salad. He doesn't have sheets on his bed and his clothes always stink like cigarette smoke and he doesn't even smoke! Buying over-ripe grayish tomatoes at the chinese supermarket because they're 10 cents cheaper. I'm like, dude, you wasted 10 cents worth of gas getting here and wasted a half an hour looking for a parking spot. Trust me, he is not poor because he makes comments like "I'll buy you XYZ if you move with me to so-and-so city" and he has properties and nice shoes. I'm all about being frugal and looking for deals and using every single part of a chicken, but he is plain cheap. I'd have to say the cheapness definitely is a deal breaker.

 

I HATE HATE HATE how he conveniently "forgets" his wallet all the time.

 

But after this new job, he is going to be getting a raise, and in 2020, he is going to be earning two to three times more than I do. So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

 

There is a replacement for every behavior.

 

If alof them changed to a way you wohld like, would you go out with him? What does that thought feel like?

 

Also, why bold and capitalize? Again, why the intensity?

[East4]

There are so many behaviors I cannot tolerate. I've already spoken about them ad nauseum 28 pages!

 

And the things I need changed can't be replaced with a positive behavior. They're fundamental differences like NOT LISTENING TO ME and CHEAPNESS.

 

 

He lives like we are in the Great Depression…like scrounging for scraps in the fridge so he doesn't have to spend money. It's so annoying to see him rummaging through my fridge and using maraschino cherries from 2012 on top of a sad wilted salad. He doesn't have sheets on his bed and his clothes always stink like cigarette smoke and he doesn't even smoke! Buying over-ripe grayish tomatoes at the chinese supermarket because they're 10 cents cheaper. I'm like, dude, you wasted 10 cents worth of gas getting here and wasted a half an hour looking for a parking spot. Trust me, he is not poor because he makes comments like "I'll buy you XYZ if you move with me to so-and-so city" and he has properties and nice shoes. I'm all about being frugal and looking for deals and using every single part of a chicken, but he is plain cheap. I'd have to say the cheapness definitely is a deal breaker.

 

I HATE HATE HATE how he conveniently "forgets" his wallet all the time.

 

But after this new job, he is going to be getting a raise, and in 2020, he is going to be earning two to three times more than I do. So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

 

Why don't you just put this post in an e-mail and send it to him? If you meet him, most probably you will, out of kindness, beat about the bush, while the answer is very clear-he put you off with his cheapness and mooching. Just say so in an e-mail and be done with it.

 

I see people here, we are pulling you in different directions with our opinions, it must be hard on you. I'll just add one more to the pile of proposals, at least it could make you laugh.

How about you stick to hard fact; sort of "Just the facts, sir" and serve him with the tab of all that he ate and used at your place. Then tell/write him that in the face of such compemming evidence that he used and abused your hospitality, the only way he would redeem himself is to reimburse the expenses you paid for feeding him. And just leave him your bank account number. Say that you will only meet him when the xxx amount is paid to your back account. I'm pretty sure that his crying and calling and the "oh, poor me" behavior will stop all of a sudden.

 

If you are going to spend more energy on this excuse of a man, please make sure you get paid for that. If he wants to see you to talk, then he will have to pay for all he ate/drunk/used at your place.

[East4]

No one becomes 'this' angry at someone they have no feelings for and I mean deep feelings. If you don't think you do your in denial. The opposite of love is not hate (strong word but this it how it appears to me after all you've written in this thread). The anger and hostility is oozing out of your pores., screaming at him? Opposite of love is indifference. Which you are most definitely NOT. This thread is 28 pages!

 

What are so afraid of anyway? That's what this is about, your fear of 'something'. Falling in love? Losing yourself? Losing your freedom or lifestyle? Feeling locked in and suffocated? Choosing committing to the 'wrong person? Getting hurt?

 

This man definitely pushes your buttons and if you didn't care so much, you would have buried this weeks ago and I don't thinks it's because you like drama. I think it is because you love him but you are scared. He may suspect this too which is why he is pushing. Seems your almost in panic mode, acting very bizarrely and irrationally. You are in love with this man and scared shyt-less.

 

This relationship is not over, not by a long shot.

 

Being an avid reader of Naomi's threads for years now, and knowing some background info, I must say that the quoted analysis is completely wrong.

 

The dynamics with the trip-guy is one recurring theme in Naomi's relationships (romantic or with friends) where she's been voice-less and people abused her generocity and kindness. I'd remind you that Naomi was equally pissed off when her female friend took a pink pen without permission. This is how her previous thread started. Would you say that because Naomi was pissed off at how her FEMALE friend served herself, that Naomi was in love with her female friend? :stupid:

 

From what I could gather from scattered elements through the threads, is that Naomi has been raised by parents who did not allow her to have a voice, to speak up for herself and be herself, i.e . be authentic. Perhaps parents of the type "children must be seen, but never heard". Of course, to keep the attachment to the parents that is vital for a child, Naomi learned to be ALWAYS nice and compliant and smile, even if inside her heart she was crying. Although this adaptation mechanism worked at the time and served its role, now it is detrimental to her relationships, because Naomi struggles with being authentic. Every time somebody pushes her boundaries and disrespects her values, she screams inside herself (or in the forum), but she simply can't stand up to the person who hurt her.

 

Her emotions go high in this particular situation with the moocher guy because it re-enacts her life drama, the drama of not being listened to, to not be heard and have no voice. It just opened the old wounds. Nothing to do with loving the guy.

 

This why I suggested for Naomi to speak up and write to the stupid moocher all the specifics why he has been a cheap excuse of a man.

[Batya33]

I think how this is unfolding is perfectly consistent with how she interacted with him from the beginning and how she reacted to his offer of a trip, how she described him back then and why she was interested in going on the trip. Not surprised at all that he would behave in this way or that she would react in this way -I wouldn't know if it has anything to do with her childhood/life drama but I believe it has plenty to do with the downside of getting involved in the first place in the way she chose to. I reread that first thread where she was going back and forth on whether to go on the trip - but I didn't have to really because as soon as this latest interaction began it was obvious to me that it was a very typical way situations that start like this end up. On the upside, you had a lot of fun on that trip, you liked the challenge of him for awhile, you forecasted some of the downsides so on the whole it might end up that it was worth the experience.

[Applewhite]

Being an avid reader of Naomi's threads for years now, and knowing some background info, I must say that the quoted analysis is completely wrong.

 

The dynamics with the trip-guy is one recurring theme in Naomi's relationships (romantic or with friends) where she's been voice-less and people abused her generocity and kindness. I'd remind you that Naomi was equally pissed off when her female friend took a pink pen without permission. This is how her previous thread started. Would you say that because Naomi was pissed off at how her FEMALE friend served herself, that Naomi was in love with her female friend? :stupid:

 

From what I could gather from scattered elements through the threads, is that Naomi has been raised by parents who did not allow her to have a voice, to speak up for herself and be herself, i.e . be authentic. Perhaps parents of the type "children must be seen, but never heard". Of course, to keep the attachment to the parents that is vital for a child, Naomi learned to be ALWAYS nice and compliant and smile, even if inside her heart she was crying. Although this adaptation mechanism worked at the time and served its role, now it is detrimental to her relationships, because Naomi struggles with being authentic. Every time somebody pushes her boundaries and disrespects her values, she screams inside herself (or in the forum), but she simply can't stand up to the person who hurt her.

 

Her emotions go high in this particular situation with the moocher guy because it re-enacts her life drama, the drama of not being listened to, to not be heard and have no voice. It just opened the old wounds. Nothing to do with loving the guy.

 

This why I suggested for Naomi to speak up and write to the stupid moocher all the specifics why he has been a cheap excuse of a man.

 

I think this is such an awesome insight to not just Naomi's but my own life! Thanks

[East4]

@Applewhite, glad that you find this post helpful.

[reinventmyself]

So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

There is an emotional component in our attitudes about money that does not change. Pointing it out to him is pointless.

Base case scenario, he can hide his quirks for a certain amount of time until they creep back out.

Besides . .who's to say he's wrong? It's his way. Not a wrong way. It's just a really bad fit with yours.

Leave him to his ways. Let him find someone that finds them endearing.

 

I vote for processing this experience on your own and not as his expense.

This is a quirky guy who treated you well in the only way he knew how.

He meant you no ill intent. He got on your nerves because you weren't compatible. Neither of you gave this

the time and consideration it deserved. You were both impulsive, closed your eyes and jumped in with both feet.

Railing him now because of who is seems cruel and unnecessary.

[journeynow]

There are so many behaviors I cannot tolerate. I've already spoken about them ad nauseum 28 pages!

 

And the things I need changed can't be replaced with a positive behavior. They're fundamental differences like NOT LISTENING TO ME and CHEAPNESS.

 

 

He lives like we are in the Great Depression…like scrounging for scraps in the fridge so he doesn't have to spend money. It's so annoying to see him rummaging through my fridge and using maraschino cherries from 2012 on top of a sad wilted salad. He doesn't have sheets on his bed and his clothes always stink like cigarette smoke and he doesn't even smoke! Buying over-ripe grayish tomatoes at the chinese supermarket because they're 10 cents cheaper. I'm like, dude, you wasted 10 cents worth of gas getting here and wasted a half an hour looking for a parking spot. Trust me, he is not poor because he makes comments like "I'll buy you XYZ if you move with me to so-and-so city" and he has properties and nice shoes. I'm all about being frugal and looking for deals and using every single part of a chicken, but he is plain cheap. I'd have to say the cheapness definitely is a deal breaker.

 

I HATE HATE HATE how he conveniently "forgets" his wallet all the time.

 

But after this new job, he is going to be getting a raise, and in 2020, he is going to be earning two to three times more than I do. So I don't know if his scrimping and pinching will change or if he's always going to be a miserable cheapskate.

 

This ^ all fits into him saying that one of your "flaws" is that you are "scornful". He doesn't necessarily see that you two have irreconcilable differences or that you are incompatible. You trying to "understand" him may not be helping either of you at this point. I understand the desire to be compassionate and kind, to not be the cause of pain, but anything that gives false hope (any kind of contact or response on your end) may inadvertently add to his pain (and your frustration) and delay his disentangling and ability to learn from the experience. He may learn best by being "shown" (you going NC) rather than being told, or by a combination of the two.

[Naomi99]

Woke up to these responses and it felt like my brain was being blasted with a power washer! Sooooo helpful. Thanks everyone.

 

Working from office today so my responses will be later…

 

but East4, wow. Your observations are so precise, it's astounding how you can make these deductions just by way of internet. And also your memory for recalling facts about my life that span now nearly two years I've been posting here is better than most face-to-face professionals.

 

MINOR UPDATE on trip-guy situation:

Since I broke the ice by agreeing to meeting, it seems as though he takes this as an invitation to start texting like normal. Woke up to a "Good morning, Naomi99" text. I want to respond just to be nice, but then it almost seems like I'm glossing over all that's happened if I do.

 

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. (Giving everyone a virtual pink pen and granola bar.)

[IAmFCA]

Don't respond.

 

 

I am reminded of the time I broke with "the gentleman". He asked if we might meet for a glass of wine. I said no. He then said his peace over the phone, that he had bought a ring, what he thought of me, etc.

 

I haven't seen him since, and we sometimes exchange friendly greetings. Sometimes equals maybe twice a year. It has been two years or more, three? Since we broke.

 

More recently

 

I had a short exciting thing with DJ. Then I went NC. He has sent me videos of his kids saying hello. He has asked for help with ADHD. He has done all sorts of things meant to manipulate me into contact. This week he said "I miss talking to you. Maybe when I am back we can catch up." To THAT, I responded.

 

 

And finally, in my early 20s I confronted my deep seated anger about being voiceless in my family-of-origin. The anger that came out of me was extraordinary. I dated a control freak who will never trust anyone; it fed into me trying to heard but actually feeling that I am inconsequential. The anger was mine, all mine. He and I were incompatible, sure. But the anger --- all mine.

 

Your energy analyzing his traits would be better spent analyzing your own.

 

And, the next time you analyze anyone, eliminate the word "flaw" or "shortcoming" and find a way to say your observation in a neutral manner. Pretend the person comes from a place where their behavior is normal.

 

Try that.

 

You will then be challenged to assert your needs without using the authority of "common standard practice" or "everyone knows this" to back you up. You will find the courage to say, "That may be fine for you, and maybe it is fine for everyone in this town, but it isn't fine for me." THAT is using your voice.

[East4]

I was thinking about what ITIC said above during the lunch break, before actually she wrote her post. She has obviously arrived at an advanced level where she knows she has a voice and does not need to demonstrate it.

Is it possible for someone who is shy to exercise their voice to suddenly jump to ITIC's level of perfection? Well, I think it is not, it is a gradual process. I personally, as a recovering voiceless, know that I'm somewhere in a middle between Naomi and ITIC and at this stage I use each and every opportunity to exercise my voice. Loudly! I know it is a transition step, but it is a necessary step before we arrive at this internal confidence that we are strong enough to establish the boundaries and if need be we can voice up.

 

Perhaps, Naomi needs to learn to walk before learning to run. I personally believe in the normal progression from one state to another. Her current state is mute, next progression will be loud, and final progression will be to silent. Silent not because one cannot voice up, but because it is not worth the energy.

Every internal transformation needs a practical application to solidify. This is why I strongly believe that Naomi, one way or another, over e-mail or face-to-face supported by a mediator, has to give specifics to the mooch-guy. Take it as an exercise in personal development-exercising of your voice.

 

To sum it up, I think ITIC shows the ultimate objective-the internal confidence in our ability to speak up for ourselves that allows us to remain silent in order to avoid wasting energy. Before Naomi arrives at this stage, she perhaps needs to pass through the loud stage where she will learn to feel comfortable enough to voice her real complaints. Not when she is in a state of bewilderment, and her boundaries have been systematically trampled. But at every little transgression, so that the resentment does not build up. The more often she exercises her voice, the more she will comfortable in doing it.

[IAmFCA]

I was thinking about what ITIC said above during the lunch break, before actually she wrote her post. She has obviously arrived at an advanced level where she knows she has a voice and does not need to demonstrate it.

Is it possible for someone who is shy to exercise their voice to suddenly jump to ITIC's level of perfection? Well, I think it is not, it is a gradual process. I personally, as a recovering voiceless, know that I'm somewhere in a middle between Naomi and ITIC and at this stage I use each and every opportunity to exercise my voice. Loudly! I know it is a transition step, but it is a necessary step before we arrive at this internal confidence that we are strong enough to establish the boundaries and if need be we can voice up.

 

Perhaps, Naomi needs to learn to walk before learning to run. I personally believe in the normal progression from one state to another. Her current state is mute, next progression will be loud, and final progression will be to silent. Silent not because one cannot voice up, but because it is not worth the energy.

Every internal transformation needs a practical application to solidify. This is why I strongly believe that Naomi, one way or another, over e-mail or face-to-face supported by a mediator, has to give specifics to the mooch-guy. Take it as an exercise in personal development-exercising of your voice.

 

To sum it up, I think ITIC shows the ultimate objective-the internal confidence in our ability to speak up for ourselves that allows us to remain silent in order to avoid wasting energy. Before Naomi arrives at this stage, she perhaps needs to pass through the loud stage where she will learn to feel comfortable enough to voice her real complaints. Not when she is in a state of bewilderment, and her boundaries have been systematically trampled. But at every little transgression, so that the resentment does not build up. The more often she exercises her voice, the more she will comfortable in doing it.

 

A beautiful affirming post. For context, it has been 25 or 30 years since my anger exploded after I moved away from home. Oh the stories between then and now. I could make a therapist blush and become speechless. And embarrass myself. The most important lesson for me to learn was to forgive myself, and then even to discover that I have nothing to forgive, only to understand.

 

It IS a learning journey one has to embrace. xo

[boltnrun]

Woke up to these responses and it felt like my brain was being blasted with a power washer! Sooooo helpful. Thanks everyone.

 

Working from office today so my responses will be later…

 

but East4, wow. Your observations are so precise, it's astounding how you can make these deductions just by way of internet. And also your memory for recalling facts about my life that span now nearly two years I've been posting here is better than most face-to-face professionals.

 

MINOR UPDATE on trip-guy situation:

Since I broke the ice by agreeing to meeting, it seems as though he takes this as an invitation to start texting like normal. Woke up to a "Good morning, Naomi99" text. I want to respond just to be nice, but then it almost seems like I'm glossing over all that's happened if I do.

 

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. (Giving everyone a virtual pink pen and granola bar.)

 

He probably saw you agreeing to meet as "we are back together!!!111"

 

Proceed with caution. Or you may find yourself posting on here in frustration that you are dating him again but don't really want to be.

[journeynow]

Pretend the person comes from a place where their behavior is normal.

 

Very good point.

[journeynow]

East4 makes some good points, too. Makes me think of a pendulum swing, from one extreme to the other (voiceless to vociferous) until is settles into the calm center. Or a rubberband, stretched too far will fly off and then settle in one spot.

[reinventmyself]

A former voiceless person myself and still a work in progress, all this talk makes me look within and I see myself in Naomi.

Early stages of learning to speak up, I was immature and irresponsible and often hypervigilant about it

.

That and not allowing myself to feel anger.

 

I stuffed these for so long, that in my early attempts I was downright reckless at times.

 

It's a good reminder how far I've come. The irony here is I went from needing to speak up, to coming out the other side trusting mysel that I sometimes don't need to explain or defend myself.

 

If I were in Naomi shoes, the early me might have wanted to burn down the house with him in it. Now I'm content with accepting someone's differences and not allowing it to be a threat to mine.

 

I liken this to the analogy in the previous post, about needing to learn to walk before you can run.

[catfeeder]

Naomi, what is it that you want to say to the guy that can't be said in an email, and what do you hope to accomplish by meeting him?

[tiredofvampires]

Naomi, please forgive the fact that I've been late late late to this thread, and that means, I've missed too many posts to assess this situation with all the bits of information (and I'm too far gone to catch up). I have only some general thoughts, based on the browsing I've just done.

 

I have the sense that you are, in a counter-intuitive way, attracted to this man because his weakness and desperation mirrors your own, and it's a relief to hate in a person other than yourself.

 

You've finally found someone who seems weaker than you have felt, such as with the doctor, who you behaved like a slave with. Now, the man is the slave. You're the one up. And it looks so ugly when you look upon a person who will do anything and say anything to be loved, you have a target to beat up on that you can externalize for once, and that feels refreshing.

 

I think, in other words, he reflects back to you something you have hated in yourself and this is new and even a bit novel for you. So you're having a field day with it, even though it's not conscious and it actually is infuriating. It's kind of like the abused who becomes the abuser. It's cathartic to turn the tables.

 

I also think that may play into your still seeing him as attractive sexually. It's the reversal of a man who enjoys a powerful rush bedding a woman he doesn't respect -- she's a supplicant and willing to give up self-respect and integrity for a hit of him. That makes him feel irresistible. And that's a sexy feeling. It's sexy to see someone, especially someone hot, throw it all to the wind to be your pleasure slave.

 

But on to the meeting.

 

I don't think this man is a cunning, manipulative man, at least not manipulative in a malicious way. I think that he deeply doubts his own worth, and abandonment is soooooo painful for him, he will do ANYTHING not to feel the brunt of it. You have inflicted a primary re-wounding upon him by abandoning him (as it reads to him).

 

So if you cannot be compassionate as if your own life depends on it, do not meet with him until you feel you can pull that off, no matter what he says or does, including crying, acting like a baby, throwing a tantrum, or sticking his finger in your cheesecake (unless he becomes abusive). Doing it in public will set some limits there.

 

You need to be able to walk in and know that you are dealing with a wounded child who is re-experiencing a trauma, and treat him as if he is in an emotional ICU.

 

You are not "responsible" for his feelings, but you are responsible for knowing this about him and acting accordingly, in a manner that will inflict the least amount of pain as possible. Also, even though you are not responsible for his choices, or fixing him, you DID have a relationship with him where both of you made yourselves vulnerable. You shared your lives and futures. And so, there is a way for you to leave that with grace, or leave it with an attitude sort of like littering -- "I've taken what I need here, might as well just leave the mess here and go."

 

Recently, I read something I really loved, something the current Pope said about giving money to the homeless: he said, it doesn't matter what they will use that money for that you give them. Many people withhold handouts because they say, "They will only use it for drugs, alcohol, no good, etc., not for food." I know this is even the advice of some social workers. But I prefer the Pope's take on it: we are not here to judge what others do with our acts of kindness. What guilty pleasures do we use OUR money for? What if what the money is used for is this person's only pleasure, only escape? In the grand scheme of things, you give for the reason that your giving is unconditional -- it is as much for the act itself of giving as it is for the person and their particular need. You do your part. And let "God" take care of the rest. It is not up to us how our gifts are used.

 

If you gave one of those pink pens to a friend because she really wanted one, if she used it exclusively as a nose picker, that would be her prerogative.

 

In the same way, I feel that you "owe" -- yes, owe -- this man the gift of an explanation, without condition, of why you left him that is specific and describes all the things you didn't like. Some of those things are things that would not be a problem for other women, like sharing food off your plate. Some of those things might be a problem for nearly all women, to one degree or another. Most women and people don't like someone assuming they can take things without asking. Most people do not appreciate cheapskates. So you can preface this by saying, "Whatever I tell you in these particulars, you need to know at the end of this that much of what I say will be specific to ME ONLY, and it doesn't mean that you won't be lovable to someone else with these traits. Others, you may find are a problem for a lot of people, and if you can self-reflect on the habits that you think might be a function of some unhealthy drive within you, you owe yourself the self-examination, maybe with the help of a therapist."

 

And having said that disclaimer, just lay it out already. The man has been dangling way too long and this is long long long long, long overdue in my humble opinion.

 

I think the longer he's gone on without the proper closure, the deeper the wound of abandonment, especially if he did not know why he was abandoned at some younger, more impressionable age.

 

It's worse to wonder why someone left you or doesn't love you anymore than to actually be broken up. I know because I've been on the receiving end of that. I have dealt with both abandonment issues, and having no voice. And you probably have been, too, which is one reason you are repulsed by his reflection of you in him, the mirror.

 

And I don't think this act is just one of kindness to him, and closure for HIM. It's for you, too. You have not given either of you the proper closure. You have been evasive and scornful. You pulled the plug in an act of will and self-preservation, but you didn't really end it, you left it to sputter and spark. So this closure is for YOU, TOO, SO DON'T GO IN THINKING YOU ARE MERELY DOING THIS FOR HIS SAKE AND HE'S MANIPULATING YOU. You botched the job when you left, and that's following you like a shadow in your feelings with him. This is unfinished business for you, too, and you instinctively know that. You know you didn't do it justice or handle it well, so don't blame him for following you when your own shadow is doing that for you.

 

I strongly urge you to see him as that person you have been when you were at the "mercy" of someone you couldn't walk away from, and the less they gave you, the more you were willing to give up to simply be acknowledged in your need, when you were at your weakest.

 

I don't think this will be done well on email because it won't fix what is broken. It needs to be personal and a proper conversation (as it should have been before, only now it's turned gangrenous), and thorough, and not spare him any details, but you need to be calm and non-reactive, and purely factual. It should stick to your relationship and why it ended, not the choices he has made since. And then, when it is done, you ask him, "Do you have any more questions? I want to be sure you understand all that you need to to feel the blanks have been filled in. Because after this, I do need to move on and so do you." So make sure that all his questions are answered, exhausted. And no, you don't need to answer any that are about your romantic life now. Just about the break-up and the relationship with him.

 

I do think that dumpers owe dumpees clear explanations, as this is part of being a decent person. Just because you're leaving someone and have every right to doesn't mean you don't owe them any explanation. After that, you are then clear. And they can use that as they see fit, but you've done your bit.

 

Clean.