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tiredofvampires last won the day on October 22 2013

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About tiredofvampires

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  • Birthday 05/20/1968
  1. Hey, Quirky. It's been such a long time since I've posted here on ENA, swept up as I have been in a force-gathering tornado of my own heartbreaks and life transitions. Not been here nearly as much as I've wanted to be. I've wondered and worried about my friends here, in the meanwhile. And, consequently, I have just come in for a spell now and found your most recent posts on this break-up. I feel woefully out of touch with the nuances of this relationship (having just gone back a few pages) and what may have been the "red flags" along the way, so I don't want to say anything presumptuous
  2. Thank you so much for this post, IAG. I was hoping you would show up, and you did, and I'm grateful for it, because I know you wouldn't blow smoke up my or anyone's butt just to make them feel better. And everything you said feels so dead on, I was going to bold a few portions that seem particularly incisive, but it all is. Ha, yeah, I get DancingFool and Capricorn mixed up, too, sometimes, with the avatars. But both she and you said things that I believe are true about my sister, and although our years together, relying on eachother, have been speckled with little spikes of discord, we
  3. This is a really great post, DF, and I think you've gotten really close to the truth of the matter, especially the part about her being in survival mode. I have literally had nightmares where a life raft were are in was being weighted down, and she wrapped me up in towels and quietly pushed me over the side, and I've woken up gasping for air. A friend said to me, adding a more humorous twist to this theme, "Yeah, it's like, if the zombies were after you both, she'd trip you." But, I would be interested to know -- if you are still following the thread? -- if my most recent posts abov
  4. And you know...I asked her years later, what she remembers of that child-care intensive we went through together, that month. She said, "Hmm. Um...I remember you cooking dinner." She said that was all she could come up with. I think it's easier to imply that someone is unreasonably a "taker" if you have amnesia about all the times you were given to. There is nothing I did for my sister with an ulterior motive, or out of quid pro quo, though. I want to make that clear. It's just that in the stark light of the situation as it is now, it's clear to me that we do not think alike in cent
  5. I am still catching up on previous posts, but I want to address this before too many other similar inferences are drawn: As I said, none of the things I'm saying are based on assumption, it's what I KNOW about her through direct observation, frank facts, and her telling me. This is a longer story, and involves me as well, because I was there to bear witness to it, but 3 months after the birth of her son, who was constantly crying and colicky, I came to visit for an entire month to help her. My BIL happened to have a sabbatical overseas starting then, so he got a head start and the
  6. So, just to finish on the thoughts in my Post #24, about how my sister is beholden to my BIL, since it's really his money. If my sister came to me and said, "You know, I really would want for us to be able to help out financially. But I know that hubby will deeply resent me for this. Even if he agreed, I think that deep down, he would feel taken advantage of, and he is not close to our mom, and honestly, she's just something on his radar that he feels he is obliged to contribute to. I feel deeply sorry about this and I don't agree, but in the end, I could ask him for this and it would ev
  7. And that is the part I am really struggling with at this moment. Because I am 50, and she is 48, and I have spent my whole life trying to protect and guide/console her in some viscerally instinctual big sisterly/mother-hen role. It's just how I am built. And I have pulled back because I feel so crushed and alienated, and this is her response: "I feel like I am being punished for setting my limits. You are passive aggressively taking your fear mentality out on me, for drawing my boundaries. I feel like I am losing my best friend, because you are too bitter to see that I have needs and a f
  8. I just wanted to pick out this one point for now, though -- that as I mentioned in my OP (I know, there was a lot there to wade through, so maybe this got lost in the shuffle), my BIL's own father and mother are millionaires. They buy a new car every few months. The father is in the most lucrative and prestigious job you could have in this country, and his wife has never had to work (when I say work, I mean, go to a job that pays -- I don't consider full-time mothering less work than a paying job, but you do get to be your own boss more.) And, not parenthetically, it is still harder to have
  9. Thank you, everyone, for your sympathies and empathy, taking time to consider and respond thoughtfully to my situation -- and a special, deep expression of gratitude for those who have been able to validate the pain and feelings of abandonment that I dealing with. I intend to respond to each post individually, with the points raised. I just have to take it in small bites, post by post, because I'm overwhelmed by this situation and current affairs around it happening as we speak. I want to elucidate some things, though, based on themes that several of you have brought up. One of the
  10. Thanks for weighing in, East4. I of course expected at least one person to express the views that you do, and that was part of the hopes of this thread. That I would get an idea of the split of opinions on this matter. (Even though I suspect this thread will not get enough hits/responses to collect a lot of data points.) There is a lot of stigma that comes with my situation, and the people who stigmatize it are the ones who respond exactly as you do. The shaming element is quite transparent. This could easily be seen by anyone with your orientation as an open-and-shut case of parasiti
  11. The short answer is yes, to having the estate in order. It's a living trust fund in her name, and soon will be converted to two separate "Special Needs Trusts" for her two children who have disabilities, which legally transfers the money out of her name. This helps her qualify for state-subsidized nursing homes down the roads, because she will have no money to live on. (This is what estate-planning lawyers advise, by the way.) However, even if I draw on that trust money, in order to keep it solvent, the amount I could withdraw would still have me well below the poverty line, so it's not lik
  12. Thank you, S. I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this, too, but in a kind of "ripple effect" way. I wonder why your father-in-law does not want your husband's help? Would you wish to help him/them? How do you feel about them not wanting your help? Having enough money to take care of themselves easily without their daughter's help but preying on her is unconscienable. It seems that from the counselors, hotlines, and and helping professionals I've talked to, as well as caregiver support group leaders, there is usually an imbalance of who bears this burden with parents. And I think
  13. Oh, just to be clear, where I said this: "She told me, 'This isn't my problem, it's yours. It's Mom's. I have nothing to gain by putting my time, money and energy into this.'" -- I should add, she HAS put a lot of time and energy into some of the planning process with financial and legal matters. But she is a transitional party in those activities, soon to be liberated from them. And what she said more specifically is that, while she cares and wants to help, "I get nothing out of this except that I care for my family." As if it's all a big favor, and an act of great altruism. If I coul
  14. Dear, long-lost ENA'ers! (Or am I the one long-lost?) It's been many, many ages since I posted a question on this forum, and I have missed this community greatly over the last few months (and years), as I've had to leap-frog from personal trial to personal trial. Knowing you are here to return to is a blessing. This is truly one of the best url's on the internet. I'm going to try to sum up a very complex situation, but there is some backstory. Yes, THIS IS A LONG POST -- MY APOLOGIES! I hope some will read it. My mother, now 81, has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I ha
  15. Why does this keep happening? I don't go around in the world with this mindset guiding me, like a background, white noise unconscious self-fulfilling mantra. But there it is, anyway. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves eventually.
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