Lester Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Yes Lost ^, and because there is nothing new under the sun when it comes to porn, let me add. His shock will quickly change to fake "you spied" anger. He will try to build his case around the everybody does it excuse. Bella must be ready to counter immediately! 1. She must rip apart the/his lie(s) of porn. This is done by moving his lie into the front street window for all to see. 2. She must prepared to throw him out. Link to comment
petite Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Dear Bella, I come to this thread absolutely shocked. I am so sorry you're going through this. Everyone has basically covered all aspects of advice, I just want to send some positive vibes your way, and hope your recovery is going well. I can't imagine how you're feeling. But, I know you a re one amazing and strong woman. You have been there for so many of us and we are all here for you. I'm glad you are going to be seeking legal advice, and I truly hope everything works out for the best. Sending you many, many hugs. Link to comment
journeynow Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 BellaDonna, I understand your impulse is to leave, but in the big picture it might be best to have your husband leave and you and your son stay and do what you can to heal your home. Less disruption for your son, less appearance of YOU leaving the marriage (after all, you are not the one who has broken it in the first place), and perhaps a better chance of hour husband facing reality. (If you leave he may focus more on that, especially when telling his side of the story to others: "She left me, she's done me wrong.") All of it adds to the big picture. If you stay in your home, you can focus on rearranging it and recreating it as entirely yours. Just a thought. Either move is hard for you, but consider standing your ground, figuratively and literally. Make your decision after talking to a lawyer, as you may be advised one way or the other. How old is your son? I'm glad to hear your surgery went ok, and hope you are healing well. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Bella...I have nothing to add, other than I'm so sorry you're going through this much pain and betrayal. I'm keeping you and your son in my thoughts. Be safe, and be well. *Hugs* Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've been given excellent advice here, you have an exit strategy too. The only thing you should do in addition is consult an attorney and let them know exactly what you've found. And how it could be documented. And I say that, because you need to have that ammunition in place so he doesn't delete everything then claim you made it up. Also if he's breaking the law then you need to consult an attorney and/or law enforcement on what to do to a) protect you and your son and b) stop him so he doesn't escalate to something worse. It is very, very frightening to find this out about the man you're married to. I'm sorry, I know there was some miniscule advice about working on your marriage, but how does one even begin to work things out with someone who is desensitizing themselves to the idea of raping young girls? Simple answer, you don't. You get an attorney to walk you through what you need to do to document that and you move forward with your exit strategy and then protecting yourself and your son from this guy. All I can tell you to do is be strong, know you're doing the right thing by leaving, and urge you to stay safe and sane as you walk out of hell. I will be praying for you and your son. Link to comment
Circe Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Ive just read through all this and just want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this Bella. You're clearly a very strong woman and are doing, and I'm sure will continue to do what is best for you and your son through all this. I'm sorry again. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 I need to be the one to leave for many reasons: *I cannot afford this house on alone on my own salary. The mortgage, electricity, heating bills, sewer and water bills, other utilities, taxes, insurance, etc. are more than I can afford monthly. Any financial arrangements through divorce proceedings will take time. In the meantime, I could go bankrupt staying here while I wait. I would rather move out and have him buy me out of the house once we are apart. Then I've have money for a down payment on a smaller condo. *I cannot take care of the house on my own. Shoveling snow, and other physical tasks that are needed to upkeep the house and yard are not things I am able to do. I would not be able to afford hiring out either. *I want to move somewhere that he cannot access. If I stay in the house he will keep showing up to get things like his tools, etc. *Staying here is too painful. I do not want to be reminded of our false life together amongst these walls. I need a clean slate. I am hoping he will keep the house, as he can afford it on his own easily.I plan to move to an apartment until everything is over and I have $$$$ to put down on a condo. I need to be in a place where repairs and upkeep of the grounds are taken care of. As soon as I get past this recovery form the surgery I will be able to take more steps toward getting out. Right now I'm immobilized until this passes. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Bella, I can understand your desire to start fresh. When I separated I was stuck living in our old house for a couple of years due to finances, and I felt a huge burden lifted when I finally got out and got into my own place. And due to the circumstances here, it makes perfect sense that you want to get out as soon as possible to get yourself and your son away from that situation quickly, rather than sticking around where he could fight you in court for the right to stay in the house or show up unannounced etc. because he is part owner of the house. I do not think any judge would hold it against you for vacating quickly given the evidence you have found about him. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Bella, Sooooo......how are you feeling? Physically and emotionally? Have you been able to confide in anyone close to you for support? Lost Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Bella, Hope you're feeling okay. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Any updates? We're here for you! Link to comment
avman Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Bella you doing ok? We're all thinking about you. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thinking of you and wishing you healing, peaceful thoughts. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Hi all. I ended up having to go to the urgent care center today because my surgeon is on vacation and her covering doctor sucks. I needed my pain meds refilled and I had a complication with my uvula. Apparently it was crushed during the surgery intubation which caused it to swell and it make me feel like I was choking 24/7 and it kept getting worse. Anyways, I'm back "home" now and the pain is better. No new updates except I am still collecting info and he still doesn't know that I know. It's been tough. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Ooohhh honey. Hugs. I will be praying for you. Link to comment
avman Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Aw Bella. I'm so sorry there were complications. Big hugs from your ENA friends. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm so sorry Bella. I hope you recover quickly from here on out. I wished I lived closer so I could come give you a hug or clean your house and cook for you. Thinking of you! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Keep hanging in there, Bella! I hope the physical ordeal is past you very soon. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 So glad you are feeling better! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 So sorry to hear about the set back. Hope you feel a little better. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best! Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I cannot believe what I just read, BellaDonna! You have all my sympathy. Be safe, please. Link to comment
waffle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm so sorry Bella. I hope you recover quickly from here on out. I wished I lived closer so I could come give you a hug or clean your house and cook for you. Thinking of you! Me too!! Health issues are difficult enough to recover from without having to deal with added stress on top of it. I hope you keep checking in and let us know how you're doing, Bella. edited to add: Oh. I see you're a long-term member so bailing on us is probably not going to happen. Still, we care so keep us posted. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 just popping on bella like everyone else to say I am thinking about you darling . Hope you are feeling better surgery wise xxxxx lots of love , we are all here xxxx Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Hi Bella... I have issues with chronic inflammation due to a medical condition, and if you are having swelling, try sucking on ice chips or drinking ice water to help reduce the inflammation which causes swelling... I know that panicky feeling, but if you chill your mouth down some, it reduces the swelling and calms the nerves. I keep ice water around and sip it when i have that restricted feeling in my mouth or throat. Try it... it may help... Hang in there... this will pass and you will soon enough be feeling better. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I am feeling little bit better, physically, today. My throat is better and the pain from the surgery is under control with the pain meds. My mind has been on a roller coaster. I still find that he is going on the disgusting websites from his phone, at some point, every single day. It seems it is part of his "routine", much in the way a person would check a news website daily for new stories. Sick My one hope in life right now is that he will be deemed stable and safe enough to be able to see our son after all is said and done. It baffles me how someone who could be such a good father on the surface could have such a sick addiction underneath. My son adores him and yesterday they made pizzas and cookies together and were sledding in the yard. My son looks up to him so, so much. I really hope for my son's sake that his father can be in his life in a normal way. I have to prepare myself for the worst though. This morning I woke up from a dream that I was looking out of the window from the second floor of my house and saw a huge flash flood approaching. It's funny how dreams can capture emotion in such a literal way: anxiety and feeling like everything you had and knew is suddenly being swept away by some unforgiving force. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Bella, Being a father I can tell you that I would literally give my life for my son with no thought at all so I believe once the light of day is shined on this and his world, his very life is in danger of being taken from him he will seek help, even beg for it and for forgiveness. None of us know the depth of his sickness/addiction but if the possible loss of his son is at stake he will do what ever it takes to save at least his life with his son...how could he not? You have a lot of very difficult choices to make Bella, choices that your time here on this forum will hopefully make a little easier. Take very good care of yourself, you will need your strength. Lost Link to comment
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