Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[Ms Darcy]

Best practice 1: Don't have these types of "conversations" over text.

 

Best practice 2: Date people who are fully divorced.

 

Suspect the problems result from those two things. I've noticed non-divorced people can get pretty paranoid that the person they are dating is dating someone else.

[NorthDallas40]

ADELE is here now and our conversation about this issue amounted to her blushing, apologizing, saying "just ignore me, I'm just being a stupid girl," and laughing about it in a self-deprecating manner.

 

We talked a bit more than that, but suffice to say I don't think this will be an issue moving forward. Not AT ALL at LATRICE or CAROL levels!

[NorthDallas40]

So... two months after my last post (and 3 months after we started dating), ADELE and I have called it quits. Or at least for now.

 

I helped her move a few weeks ago and after getting snippy at me for a few reasons, we had a talk about a week and a half ago to help clear up some misunderstandings. Unfortunately, though I listened to her for 30-40 minutes without interrupting and emphasized that I understood her issues and would try to be more considerate on my end moving forward, the second I'd give her my observations, she got defensive to the point of accusing me of making everything her fault, which wasn't at all what I said nor meant.

 

Still, we resolved things (so I thought), but she remained more distant and hot/cold for another week. I brought things up again last Friday, making it clear that I was hurt by her distance and just wanted her to either make a clean break, or - my preference - work things out.

 

That night she came over, I told her my feelings in the calmest, most non-confrontational way possible, and she once again went on the offensive, yelling at me, accusing me of blaming her for the mistakes in our relationship (which I absolutely never did), and jumping from one negative issue about me to another, making any kind of rational discussion utterly useless.

 

I'll possibly share more later. But long story short, the issues on our relationship were extremely minor, but she was completely incapable of taking ANY responsibility for her own actions or making even the slightest attempt to understand my point of view. So we basically broke up without exactly saying so, and she left abruptly, clearly upset and/or angry.

 

I'm thinking of texting her tomorrow or Wednesday to see if she wants to go on a hike next weekend to talk things over with hopefully cooler heads, but I have no idea if she'll accept, if it's worth giving one last shot, or if I'll even bother. Will report later.

 

In any case, I reactivated my CMB and OKC accounts and have proven to be a hit with the usual overweight older women who have nothing in common with me.

[NorthDallas40]

I think she's not over her failed marriage yet, she's still perpetuating whatever dynamic she had with her ex, with you. That's always been the case when someone new I'm dating instantly make assumptions about who I am or what are my intentions. It says to me that they are still carrying baggage and not ready for a new relationship (well, certainly not with me anyway).

 

Pretty sure you've nailed it; she's definitely repeating the failed communication patterns from her marriage.

 

ADELE also seems to be echoing her awful mother, sounding exactly like I imagine her mom to sound when she started yelling last week.

 

She clearly hasn't ever had a good model for functional relationships in her life, and is lashing out because she probably feels like I'm being as toxic as her mom and ex, which I am not at all. The problem is that I probably can't say any of that to her without her flying into a reactionary rage. Sigh.

[notalady]

Sorry to hear you (pretty much) broke up. Can't say I'm surprised though

 

To me, its not worth salvaging, too much drama so soon into the relationship.

[IAmFCA]

People who havent taken time after a marriage ends to change from within are bound to repeat the same relationship patterns. (Also true for non marriage relationships.) No point in hiking.

 

Sorry for the ending.

[Batya33]

Sorry to hear you (pretty much) broke up. Can't say I'm surprised though

 

To me, its not worth salvaging, too much drama so soon into the relationship.

 

I think she told you who she was within the first date or earlier, and you hoped she would change and/or ignored some of it. Part of that probably is because she was married when you met but I bet only part of it. It does sound like a lot of it was fun/enjoyable.

[itsallgrand]

Would you do it again ( having spent this time with her) if you knew the outcome in advance?

 

I'm genuinely curious if you believed it could have worked long term, knowing she was married. Or were you just ok taking that kind of risk, regardless of longer term outcome ?

[SherrySher]

Aw damn it Dallas...I have just started reading your journal and jumped to the end. I was hoping you had met someone to your liking by now and were engaged at least.

The dating world is tough though so I can well understand.

Enjoying your journal though, you write very well.

[WithLove]

Yuck. Sorry it happened this way. But better sooner than later, right?

[sophie274]

Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out with Adele. I understand why you still want to try and talk things out, but I'm worried you'll just right back here anytime you need to discuss anything.

 

How is Dakota doing? Do you all still see each other regularly?

[reinventmyself]

Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out with Adele. I understand why you still want to try and talk things out, but I'm worried you'll just right back here anytime you need to discuss anything.

 

How is Dakota doing? Do you all still see each other regularly?

 

If you met Adele on line and she sees you've updated your profile, you may as well not contact her.

For most people this just agitates an already complicated situation.

I know for me, it's the final blow.

 

I guess it all depends on the response you are after.

Would it hurt to just sit on this for a couple days and not go live on line so quickly?

[NorthDallas40]

For better or worse, this morning I sent the text, referencing her favorite meal:

 

ME: I don’t want to have fish and chips with someone else. Can we talk over a hike this weekend?

 

25 minutes later:

 

HER: Sorry I’m going on a date this weekend.

 

1 minute later:

 

ME: Good for you!

 

So that chapter is closed… the adventure into the unknown continues!

[abitbroken]

Did you honestly expect to find lasting love with a woman who was kicked out of an exclusive Taoist Vegetarian cult? The more bizarre and obscure a cult, it would seem the more eager they were to retain their membership.

[sophie274]

For better or worse, this morning I sent the text, referencing her favorite meal:

 

ME: I don’t want to have fish and chips with someone else. Can we talk over a hike this weekend?

 

25 minutes later:

 

HER: Sorry I’m going on a date this weekend.

 

1 minute later:

 

ME: Good for you!

 

So that chapter is closed… the adventure into the unknown continues!

 

Ouch. Hope you have better luck this year.

[reinventmyself]

HER: Sorry I’m going on a date this weekend.

 

 

Ouch!! . I am on team ND40

But . . . I have honestly say that might have been my response had you seen you online before the sheets cooled off.

 

Sorry that ended that way.

Head high!

[NorthDallas40]

ADELE wasn't kicked out of the cult; her mom and ex-husband were! She quit on her own.

 

And since I met ADELE on CMB and not OKC, she has no idea about my dating status. As far as I know, CMB keeps your profile up whether you have the app loaded or not; ADELE's profile was just as visible as before when I reinstalled the app.

 

Anyway, here's a Fun Quote she told me on Friday, ironic considering her message today:

 

"I don't have time for a relationship."

 

I'm sure her (alleged) date this weekend will understand!

[sophie274]

Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out with Adele. I understand why you still want to try and talk things out, but I'm worried you'll just right back here anytime you need to discuss anything.

 

How is Dakota doing? Do you all still see each other regularly?

 

I'm quoting myself because I'm really hoping for an update on Dakota!

[NorthDallas40]

I'm quoting myself because I'm really hoping for an update on Dakota!

 

DAKOTA got married around New Years, and since I've been dating ADELE, I haven't seen her in person since. Maybe once, early on? Not sure. In any case, DAKOTA would text me about doing stuff together in January, but I never accepted, and by February she stopped the invites.

 

She texted me a couple of weeks ago to say she saw one of my co-workers and we chatted about Korean & Japanese spas (her favorites) a bit, but nothing since then. She doesn't use FB very much, but I've seen her husband check them in on a few sights around town since they got married, so I'm assuming she's busy doing stuff with him.

 

It would be great to hang with her, but after having both ADELE and LATRICE take me to task for still being friends with an ex, I'm ok with keeping out of touch for awhile as I continue to date, just to avoid that potential minefield (harmless as I may consider it) with someone else.

 

Ironically, the most attractive "like" I've gotten on OKC since reactivating my account this time was SHAY from post #5071, under a new account. Since all my current pics are post-headshave and post-hairdye, she may not realize I'm the same guy!

[Ellie2006]

Breakups are rough, even if it involves someone like Adele. Hope you are feeling ok about things, ND.

[NorthDallas40]

Since I didn’t outline the reasons ADELE gave me for calling it quits, here’s a partial list:

 

- When she sent me three texts in a row making fun of her overweight coworkers, I texted back NO FAT JOKES in between other light-hearted responses. She at first sent an overly-defensive semi-apologetic text, but when she became distant as a result and I asked to talk about what was bothering her a few days later, she accused me of being holier-than-thou, judging her, censoring her, and claiming that in fact, she wasn’t judgmental at all. Over the next 2 weeks after my initial text, she continued to make numerous comments about fat & ugly coworkers from her last three jobs but I never said a word. When we had our last talk, she also accused me of “yelling at her” about this topic, and when I asked for clarification, she replied “You sent me an all-caps text!”

 

- When I mentioned DAKOTA in a completely relevant and non-romantic context, out of the blue she snapped “Don’t talk about her anymore.” After that, the only time DAKOTA was mentioned was when ADELE did it herself, which of course she continued to do. Just like LATRICE did, come to think of it.

 

- I said that, speaking as a graphic designer, her company’s logo was ugly. When she later showed me a jacket the company just gave her with that logo and I didn’t show enough enthusiasm for it, she accused me of belittling her work accomplishments because I didn’t like the jacket.

 

- When helping her clean her old apartment (I scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom and vacuumed every other room; she cleaned the kitchen), I suggested recycling the cardboard trash and selling or donating some of the things she was going to throw out, including a $300 vacuum cleaner (which I salvaged for myself) and a $700 Coach bag (which she threw in the dumpster when I wasn't looking). This prompted her to snap not to tell her what to do, and to later text that she didn’t want to be “manipulated” or “criticized” for how she handled her move.

 

- In a conversation where she was dissing one coworker after another, she mentioned one woman who always smiled all the time, even when it was unwarranted. She said she admired her, so I joked “You admired her ability to be fake?”, to which she replied that she was being serious. I apologized for the misunderstanding immediately, admitting I misread her context, but she continued to throw that comment back in my face many times afterwards as evidence that I was critical and judgmental of her.

 

- I got the time wrong for our last movie date; I thought it was 7:30pm but it was 10pm. She was mad that she wouldn’t get enough sleep, completely ignoring the fact that she happily went with less sleep 3-5 times a week during our first two months of dating.

 

- On that same date when we went to my place I offered to massage her legs & feet as I ALWAYS did at my place since we started dating. I jokingly said "let's see those smelly feet!" and she immediately took offense, not accepting my apology, nor my explanation that her feet never smelled in all the times I massaged them so why would I say something serious now? I ended up massaging her feet, and no, they did not smell, just as I told her.

 

- In our last breakup talk (well I talked, she yelled), she claimed she “didn’t have time for a relationship” but four days later turned me down for another chance to talk things out claiming she had a date coming that weekend.

 

I don’t have enough time to include all the crucial contexts & details that would highlight how irrational her reaction to these issues were (especially when she admitted herself that they were petty), but suffice to say writing all this out makes me realize how nuts she is.

 

I'd also like to point out something I realized recently, speaking as a vegan. Out of the women I've dated for longer than a month, I was dumped by the vegetarians (MARIA, KATE, ADELE), but the non-vegetarians (CAROL, DAKOTA) didn't want to let me go!

[WithLove]

Yeesh. She sounds nuts.

[NorthDallas40]

And I want to emphasize that anytime I felt something was amiss or she was uncomfortable, I tried to be as attentive (i.e. listen without interrupting), understanding, humble, apologetic and conciliatory as possible.

 

I was usually met with skepticism and backtalk, and at the end, hostility.

 

Example: when she told me about some things that had bugged her about me that she never had even mentioned until the discussion in question, I said I understood, apologized and agreed with her points. I then suggested that she tell me calmly about the issues when they came up so there wouldn't be future misunderstandings.

 

"SO NOW IT'S MY FAULT!?!?" was her shouting retort.

 

The problem was that for the past 3 weeks, I was working under the assumption that she was keeping her frustrations under wraps until they hit a boiling point, but ultimately wanted to stay with me if we could work out a solution.

 

But looking back now that everything's over, I realize that her hostility to my attempts to discuss things rationally, which seemed so puzzling to me at the time, now was just her projecting her own desire to get out of the relationship without actually taking responsibility for it herself, while attempting to place the blame on me for things not working out.

 

Pretty sure this was what happened with MARIA, KATE and LATRICE too; they wanted to dump me for reasons they kept to themselves, so instead of being forthcoming with me, they threw out everything but the kitchen sink at me so that they could exit guilt-free.

 

At least the schoolteacher I dated a few years back had the honesty to tell me that my veganism, my lack of Christianity and my credit card debt were the reasons she left!

[Ellie2006]

Well, is there a reason that you wanted to have "fish and chips" with her and take a hike with her? Do you want to reconcile with her? Was this a relationship that was fulfilling for you OR is Adele someone just good to date? From what you wrote above, I don't understand why you wanted to talk to her.

[Batya33]

Well, is there a reason that you wanted to have "fish and chips" with her and take a hike with her? Do you want to reconcile with her? Was this a relationship that was fulfilling for you OR is Adele someone just good to date? From what you wrote above, I don't understand why you wanted to talk to her.

 

I think it's perfectly consistent with why he chose to date her in the first place. No criticism intended at all - and also nothing inconsistent. Certainly her behavior is more out there now than it was but he is smart, knew all he needed to know basically from the get go, including that she was married at the time (but only including, that was just one of the things he knew/observed), and he was clear about what motivated him the most to hang out with her/date her/get involved - a combination of intense attraction, drama, unavailability, the challenge, high maintenance signs/behavior. I don't think her divorce going through (or separation) made her any more available for a relationship.

 

Again I really don't mean that as criticism because I think ND was very honest and clear about why he was with her (maybe slightly in denial at times but so slight as to not make a difference). As much as he described his feelings and hers as serious I also don't think he meant to give the impression that this was a potentially long term situation. And that can be consistent too as in "reason/season" category.