Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

Also forgot to mention that the approx. 43-yo recently-divorced ex-wife of an out-of-town music acquaintance was in town and sent me a message asking if I wanted to hang out with "little ole her." Pretty sure it was romantic invitation. But with as much fretting and bitterness about her ex that she's posted on FB (not to mention a few embarrassing and, tonight, drunk live videos) I couldn't bring myself to even respond. Luckily FB gave me a preview of her message so she won't see that I've read it. She's also white in addition to being a friend's ex, so no way.

[NorthDallas40]

Around New Years when I had just started seeing ADELE, CMB matched me with a cute 43-yo who looked hot in some photos, possibly overweight in others, especially since one of her photos had a time stamp of 2012 on it, which is always suspect. I didn’t message her at the time, but she sent me a couple of messages, one of which included her phone number.

 

So I texted her the other day and she responded “Hi good to hear from you.” I asked how 2017 was treating her and she replied “Doing great. How about you?” I replied this morning asking if she was free to chat on the phone this weekend. Crickets so far.

 

—————

 

Another woman on OKC replied back to me but turns out she has a 6-yo, which she didn’t mention on her profile. No thanks. Other than that, nothing from the 15 new messages I’ve sent since Sunday.

 

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Dinner date with KIMRA tonight, which we confirmed over text today. Should be fun or at least bearable if our phone conversation was any indication, abduction stories aside. I don’t predict anything longterm, but the well has utterly run dry of other prospects at the moment, so at least I’ve got a diversion for the evening.

 

Still, I’m pretty bummed out about my dating situation at the moment.

 

Maybe I should start dying my hair again, lying about my age, and only posting pictures from 7 or more years ago

[NorthDallas40]

KIMRA looked as good as her photos, if not better, last night. Very sexy and tan 47-yo with an exotic face, long hair and very nice figure.

 

But the conversation in the loud restaurant she chose from my options was rather strained. She didn’t seem particularly interested in the topics I brought up, and was only enthusiastic about discussing our dating histories, even asking point-blank “Are you looking for something serious or just for fun? Because I’ve already dated just for fun in my life, now I want to be serious.” She also mentioned that she took off work that day because she was “tired,” and was planning to do the same thing tomorrow, so I’m not really sold on her work ethic.

 

I was initially planning on cutting the date short because the conversation was so awkward and my suspicions about her having no filter or boundaries was slowly being confirmed (much like DAKOTA in fact). But oddly enough she showed flagrantly clear interest in me while we ate, at one point literally sizing me up and saying “You’re very slim! I like that! You look very good!” and giving me other compliments about being very funny, not looking my age, and not being bald or fat.

 

As we finished dinner, I somewhat reluctantly asked if she wanted to go to a free comedy show nearby, she agreed, and she enjoyed it. She also continued the flirtation, taking my arm several times as we walked, and commenting “Your arm is so small, usually men are so big!” (referring to my bicep) which I think was supposed to be another compliment on my trim physique. But in her somewhat broken English, she ended up sounding like she was mocking my less-than-masculine frame. Womp womp.

 

When I dropped her back off at the valet at the end of the night, I gave her a hug in the car as a goodbye. But instead of getting out, she lingered, chatted a bit more, and clearly was trying to go in for a kiss when we hugged one more time. I gave her a cheek instead, however, and got a peck in return. Earlier she had emphatically told me she wanted to see me DJ, and before she left, she flat-out told me she hoped to see me again, even telling me to text her when I got home safe.

 

I gave her the requested text when I got home, and she replied “Yes I had fun tonight. And thanks for the a dinner with comedy club. I am in my a bed, going to sleep now. Hope you have a good night and sweet dreams.”

 

So a 2nd date appears to be mine for the asking, and despite her claims of wanting “something serious,” I have a feeling it would only take a nod in the general direction of my bedroom before we’d be having sex.

 

But I felt absolutely no connection nor possibility for anything longterm; she’s kind of like DAKOTA without all the quirks that make DAKOTA unique and interesting. A bimbo, basically.

 

So do I blank KIMRA and continue sending OKC messages to more hopeful prospects that end up just disappearing into the ether with no results… or give KIMRA another shot, with the almost certainly assured outcome of a month or two of sex-filled companionship that probably ends with me going nuts trying to get rid of her? That’s a rhetorical question, BTW.

[Batya33]

Did you find her intelligent? From what you described she seems very young/teenageish in what she chose to focus on and comment on. Certainly seemed pleasant and interested in seeing you again. I honestly don't think this is one that needs "another shot" - she is who she is as far as the most relevant qualities - you have all the information I need IMO (meaning it's not like she was having a bad night, or behaved in a rude way -she seems pretty surface/simple and I don't think you're going to find much more depth even if she "opens up" to you (she might tell you more personal stuff but from what you shared she doesn't seem too focused on important stuff or curious about the world beyond surface stuff -but again it might just be what you shared)

[NorthDallas40]

Did you find her intelligent? From what you described she seems very young/teenageish in what she chose to focus on and comment on. Certainly seemed pleasant and interested in seeing you again. I honestly don't think this is one that needs "another shot" - she is who she is as far as the most relevant qualities - you have all the information I need IMO (meaning it's not like she was having a bad night, or behaved in a rude way -she seems pretty surface/simple and I don't think you're going to find much more depth even if she "opens up" to you (she might tell you more personal stuff but from what you shared she doesn't seem too focused on important stuff or curious about the world beyond surface stuff -but again it might just be what you shared)

 

I did not find her intelligent in the slightest. I share your assessment of her.

[notalady]

So do I blank KIMRA and continue sending OKC messages to more hopeful prospects that end up just disappearing into the ether with no results… or give KIMRA another shot, with the almost certainly assured outcome of a month or two of sex-filled companionship that probably ends with me going nuts trying to get rid of her? That’s a rhetorical question, BTW.

 

That depends on how desperate you are

 

Also I think a lot of Asian women don't consider big and muscular as the ideal / desired male physique, and conversely, they don't think thinner / lean physique on men is a bad thing, in fact a lot of women like it (clearly Kimra being one of them), so yea I don't think she realise that comments on a man's arm not being big (or it being slim) might be perceived as a negative comment lol...

[Batya33]

That depends on how desperate you are

 

Also I think a lot of Asian women don't consider big and muscular as the ideal / desired male physique, and conversely, they don't think thinner / lean physique on men is a bad thing, in fact a lot of women like it (clearly Kimra being one of them), so yea I don't think she realise that comments on a man's arm not being big (or it being slim) might be perceived as a negative comment lol...

 

Sure and I'm not sure I would want someone who first met me making that kind of comment on one of my physical features -would make me feel like a piece of meat and not indicative of someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know the person overall (and just IMHO a lame attempt at "flirting").

[NorthDallas40]

The CMB match from January I referenced in post #5454, CORA (43, 5’7”), let 24 hours elapse from my last message, then left me a voicemail and texted “Are you there?” this past Friday night. I was already on the fence about her looks (very cute but possibly overweight) and her minimal communication style (long delays, unresponsive to planning a time to call, short generic messages), so hearing her heavily accented voice made me pause even further.

 

But I ignored my reservations, called her last night, and despite being at a housewarming party, she picked up. Surprisingly she seemed to have a good sense of humor and decent conversational skills so our 10-minute chat was pleasant. After we hung up, I looked her up online and though her face is consistently smiling, pretty & charming, I have serious doubts she’s actually 5’7” though I don’t know why she would lie about it.

 

Turns out she’s a financial advisor from Kuala Lumpur who’s lived here for 20 years, and we’re meeting for dinner tomorrow night.

[NorthDallas40]

CORA and I had agreed to meet at 8pm in her town last night, which meant an extra 15 minute drive for me (45 minutes total).

 

At 6:25pm she texted that she had a client meeting in 5 minutes but would be done by 8.

 

I left work at 7:15 in order to arrive on time. At 7:30 she texted and called that she was still in the meeting, and I said that was fine.

 

I arrived at 8:05pm and got a table. Around 8:25pm she texted she was on her way.

 

After waiting an additional 25 minutes, at 8:50pm I texted her “I had no idea I’d have to wait an hour. Going home.” Which I did.

 

At 8:55pm and 9:15 she sent several long texts and left a lengthy voicemail (I was too irritated to pick up) saying that she was sorry, that she’d been working since early morning, and her meeting clients were not only late for their appointment, but took longer than expected once they began.

 

I didn’t respond to any of this, and though my conscience is nagging for me to give her another chance, I am not inclined to do so at the moment. For a first meetup, she made about the worst first impression possible.

 

In my opinion, early on she should have given me *some* idea of how late she was going to be so we could decide what to do from there: whether to delay things or reschedule altogether. I also feel I was VERY generous in giving her 50 minutes for her to arrive without admonition, and of course, I have the feeling that if we rescheduled now, the same thing is likely to happen again.

 

FWIW, this is the first time this has happened to me in 8+ years of dating.

[WithLove]

I think, given your prior reservations about her, she basically has given you all the info you need in order to know that you're not interested.

 

Sorry this happened. I'd be ticked, too. Especially given how you traveled extra to see her.

[annie24]

If I were in her shoes, I would not have scheduled a first date on a night were there was the possibility of a meeting or whatever running over that late. I agree, that was rude. She should have planned out her schedule better in advance. It's not like she picked a restaurant next door to you and you could sit at home until she arrived.

[WithLove]

Agreed with Annie - the lack of courtesy on her part, plus the poor scheduling, probably bleeds into other areas of her life if she does this to strangers.

[notalady]

Agreed, very poor scheduling and lack of courtesy. I too wouldn't have scheduled a first meet (or any date for that matter) if I knew I had something on close to the time of meeting and there's even a chance of it going over. Especially if I knew the other person has to travel that long to to get there.

[Batya33]

I think, given your prior reservations about her, she basically has given you all the info you need in order to know that you're not interested.

 

Sorry this happened. I'd be ticked, too. Especially given how you traveled extra to see her.

 

Yes! Especially with the travel.

[NorthDallas40]

Not surprisingly, CORA just texted.

 

"TGIF! How are you doing? We had good phone conversation & still think it will be fun to meet. I will buy you a shot Why don't we give it a try? PS - Your word Drumpf crack me up!"

 

What would YOU do?

[Batya33]

She thinks "Drumpf" is original? They sell shots under the rock in which she lives? No, I wouldn't meet her -I am a fan of second chances typically but she was so spectacularly inconsiderate I wouldn't waste my time -you deserve better.

[notalady]

I wouldn't meet her either considering what a giant waste of time the last attempt was

[NorthDallas40]

I had planned to send out lots of OKC messages today but the choices weren't compelling, so I didn't.

 

Except one new one: LANA (45, 5'3", % n/a). She is exactly my type physically: girl-next-door, slim, long hair, normal and demure but very confident & pretty-looking with an amazing smile and eyes. And yes, she looks a lot like KATE. She clearly just joined the site, so I wasn't surprised when she replied quickly, nor that her response was well-written or that, despite her politeness, it indicates a one-date-then-done outcome:

 

"Hello ND40,

That's cool you enjoy Bossa Nova. That's in my heart and it's very nostalgic when I listen to it.

I seem not to fit many of your criteria to tell you the truth. Funny I was a vegan but not anymore as probably I wasn't doing it right. My older brother in Brazil just became one along with this wife.

 

You have a very nice profile and your have a nice demeanor in the pictures.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking as this is an important part of me that has become recently. I am Christian and I look for a perso who comprehends or share similar values. Are you open to it or oposed?

 

In any case I enjoy meeting new people regardless of how. I hope this ok Cupid is treating you well

 

LANA"

 

So I'll hopefully enjoy one pleasant dinner with her before she decides I'm not good-looking or wealthy enou... er, Christian enough.

 

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In other news, my current band is progressing slowly but surely with originals written by me. Funny how they asked me to join but now I'm pretty much the leader, on organ/piano, no less. Kind of where I wanted to be 15 years ago, but hey better late than never.

 

That said, I've begun to talk with a few other musicians in order to form an identical group with the same material, but with hopefully better players. My current band are nice guys, but only the bass player (who's quite eccentric) is really ready for prime time. So if I can assemble another parallel group and perhaps merge the two later, why not?

 

Finally, tomorrow night I have a keyboard audition in the new project by an established musician who's been touring for the past 15 years, and whose music I really like, including this group. I already told them I couldn't tour extensively, but they said they needed "subs" to avoid scheduling issues and I told them I'd be happy to be a "second string" backup. These guys are the real deal, and being able to audition is way cool on its own, whether they take me on or not.

[NorthDallas40]

Messaged LANA around 12:45pm today. She logged on OKC around 2pm and 7pm but didn't read my message yet. Usually not a good sign, but this kind of delayed reading of messages has happened before with decent results IIRC.

 

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Despite lots of planning, I managed to be 40 minutes late for that keyboard audition when my phone lost the email that had the drummer's phone number. Since I needed to contact them to get into the rehearsal space, I had to drive all the way back home from work to get his number since the guitarist wasn't replying to my texts, so I didn't know if he was getting them at all. But I made it in better time than CORA!

 

Anyway, we jammed for about an hour, and I think I held my own with keyboard parts that were pretty simple, but hard to figure out from their album, and playing only parts (not the entirety) of songs live with only 2 members instead of the full band. They even deliberately selected the 1 song out 8 that I told them I didn't know that well!

 

So my gut instinct is that I simply wasn't up to their level, musicwise. I'm completely self-taught, but I'm often one of the best players in bands I've had in the past. Not this time. These guys were top-notch, very professional, extremely exacting, and on top of that, a bit worn down from a full schedule of mixing and interviews that day... and I have a feeling they knew within 5 minutes that I wasn't up to snuff.

 

Now it may be possible they thought I was decent; I can't really tell and they didn't comment. But the main guy did tell me he'd "be in touch" and that he'd "be back in town next week" (he travels constantly for gigs) so who knows.

 

Either way, I'm ok with the outcome. I gave myself a challenge and despite my tardiness, I did my best and got to meet a couple of really great musicians.

 

If nothing else, the experience will keep me from feeling guilty about cracking the whip in my own band now!

[Batya33]

That is very impressive that you went to, and through, the audition and have the attitude you have. Great to stretch yourself that way.

[NorthDallas40]

LANA still hasn't logged into OKC since last night.

 

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But I got a CMB match from very FOBby-looking ALIA (44, 5'2") today. She's a - wait for it - nail salon employee who messaged me - wait for it - "Hi how are you."

 

So there's nothing personality-wise I think would fit for me, but in her pics she's actually really pretty & sexy even though her teeth are - wait for it - kinda crooked, giving her an exotic look.

 

Sexiness aside (and I'm not sure the photos are even current), is this the kind of prospect I'm looking for? Absolutely not. But the only apparent "women of substance" who message me on OKC are generally overweight, unattractive and/or have kids, so it's Beggars Can't Be Choosers season for me right now.

[Batya33]

Yes, if you limit to Asian women -that is where the slim pickins is coming from.

[annie24]

Have you tried an Asian dating site? Or other specialty site?

[NorthDallas40]

Yes, if you limit to Asian women -that is where the slim pickins is coming from.

 

Not in my area. There's plenty of Asian-Americans here; I've dated many. In fact, even if you date a white woman here there's literally an equal chance they'll be foreign as well.

[Batya33]

Not in my area. There's plenty of Asian-Americans here; I've dated many. In fact, even if you date a white woman here there's literally an equal chance they'll be foreign as well.

 

I understand - grew up in a very similar community for 4 decades - but many of them are going to want to date within their ethnic and/or religious backgrounds (all else equal, just like most people -I have a sense it's more prevalent in certain Asian communities but I don't know for sure and don't want to inadvertently say something wrong or that appears offensive). And sure if you expanded to people with mixed ethnicities/backgrounds that could help too. That plus your other requirements (the woman's weight/vegan-tolerant/ok with you smoking -both on the weed issue as well as smoke in general) is what appears limiting - you're choosing to be the beggar. And that's a valid choice - meaning, limit away -just commenting because you find it surprising that your pool is shallow.