Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[Batya33]

The kind of woman that needs this sort of thing "clarified" is the kind of woman I don't need in my life, whether it's because they don't want to date a vegan, or because they make assumptions before asking a simple question.

 

And I'm not knocking the woman above for the latter part of that statement; I was more disappointed by her haphazardly-written response and the recipe choice that indicated she lives in the weight room 24-7.

 

So they have to be able to interpret exactly what your typed words mean? I can see if it was an in person discussion and your impression was she wasn't that bright or able to get it -but typed, on a dating profile? On a major lifestyle issue?

[NorthDallas40]

So they have to be able to interpret exactly what your typed words mean? I can see if it was an in person discussion and your impression was she wasn't that bright or able to get it -but typed, on a dating profile? On a major lifestyle issue?

 

As usual, this line of discussion is missing the forest for the trees.

 

Most people don't even read profiles at all, just look at the photos. My own experience with clueless replies from many women bears this out.

 

And for any woman who is sufficiently interested in a guy, the fact that he's vegan isn't going to deter her. And if it does, no amount of soft-pedaling on his part is going to change her opinion that it's a dealbreaker. Again, my own experience dating multiple non-vegans bears this out.

 

To put it bluntly, if someone wants to f**k someone else, they're not going to care what they eat.

[Batya33]

As usual, this line of discussion is missing the forest for the trees.

 

Most people don't even read profiles at all, just look at the photos. My own experience with clueless replies from many women bears this out.

 

And for any woman who is sufficiently interested in a guy, the fact that he's vegan isn't going to deter her. And if it does, no amount of soft-pedaling on his part is going to change her opinion that it's a dealbreaker. Again, my own experience dating multiple non-vegans bears this out.

 

To put it bluntly, if someone wants to f**k someone else, they're not going to care what they eat.

 

I agree totally with Annie's distinction here. And yes, if someone is looking for a sexual arrangement, lifestyle choices don't matter (I know you were writing that off the cuff but it's kind of consistent with what others have written about your focus/priorities). And there's a big difference between a vegan who's ok with someone who eats meat in their presence and someone who isn't. And of course if that person wants a family, there's the issue of whether the home would be totally vegan or otherwise.

[annie24]

I've definitely not responded to guys because in their list of "message me if..." was something that didn't describe me. Unless you're writing something totally silly (message me if you have a pet penguin), I take those sections seriously (maybe too seriously!) one guy had in his profile that God was very important to him. I told him I didn't think we were a match. He said why not, we have an 85% compatibility rating. I said because I'm an atheist. Now, I don't know to what extent he was religious or unbending, I just figured it's better to not try because we might have a major deal breaker. Sure, hookup, who cares. Long term relationship, is want to make sure our values are in line.

[IAmFCA]

ND40, people give you constructive feedback.

 

My point about women who are readily available to you with their time body and brain is that they are TOO available to you, giving you more than you have earned. Their decision to dive in is predictive of their other traits such impulsiveness and dramatic emotions. If you want a steady experience, look for someone who move in increments.

 

If you are open to a meat eating partner, then say Prefer veg, but not required.

 

The respondent who said she likes to make protein snacks knows what works for her body. You asked. She answered. You assigned to her answer list of character traits and lifestyle habits. She might be in the gym late, when you are running out for a gig. She might be completely incompatible because she gets up at 430 for a 500 workout.

 

What I see is a woman who has interests that she pursues, who is likely used to some unconventional situations, who is comfortable with her body, and who didnt pop an attitude to your cooking question but instead was honest and sincere.

 

She may be incompatible, but not in equal proportion to your reaction to her.

 

If you want something that lasts, find someone who has stuck to her friends and her interests for a long time. Who has lived and worked in the same place for a few years. Who has schedule conflicts with you, because she too has responsibilities behond the 9 to 5. Prepare to learn from her and to explore her interests.

[IAmFCA]

MODERATEORS

 

Please delete this post, I posted twice by mistake. Thank you.

 

ND40, people give you constructive feedback.

 

My point about women who are readily available to you with their time body and brain is that they are TOO available to you, giving you more than you have earned. Their decision to dive in is predictive of their other traits such impulsiveness and dramatic emotions. If you want a steady experience, look for someone who move in increments.

 

If you are open to a meat eating partner, then say Prefer veg, but not required.

 

The respondent who said she likes to make protein snacks knows what works for her body. You asked. She answered. You assigned to her answer list of character traits and lifestyle habits. She might be in the gym late, when you are running out for a gig. She might be completely incompatible because she gets up at 430 for a 500 workout.

 

What I see is a woman who has interests that she pursues, who is likely used to some unconventional situations, who is comfortable with her body, and who didnt pop an attitude to your cooking question but instead was honest and sincere.

 

She may be incompatible, but not in equal proportion to your reaction to her.

 

If you want something that lasts, find someone who has stuck to her friends and her interests for a long time. Who has lived and worked in the same place for a few years. Who has schedule conflicts with you, because she too has responsibilities behond the 9 to 5. Prepare to learn from her and to explore her interests.

 

And if you want only someone who wants to have sex with you, then youre doing fine.

[itsallgrand]

I got the impression the body builders English isn't strong. Her answer was relevant though, it makes sense a body builder would want to clarify if about food. It's a big part of a body builders life. She's looking for compatibility the same as you are.

 

As a side note, I love that she's a 5' body builder. I get that you aren't interested. But I love it.

[IAmFCA]

I got the impression the body builders English isn't strong. Her answer was relevant though, it makes sense a body builder would want to clarify if about food. It's a big part of a body builders life. She's looking for compatibility the same as you are.

 

As a side note, I love that she's a 5' body builder. I get that you aren't interested. But I love it.

 

 

I am thinking Sexy! Though likely not compatible with ND. Not unless ND is more flexible.

[IAmFCA]

I've definitely not responded to guys because in their list of "message me if..." was something that didn't describe me. Unless you're writing something totally silly (message me if you have a pet penguin), I take those sections seriously (maybe too seriously!) one guy had in his profile that God was very important to him. I told him I didn't think we were a match. He said why not, we have an 85% compatibility rating. I said because I'm an atheist. Now, I don't know to what extent he was religious or unbending, I just figured it's better to not try because we might have a major deal breaker. Sure, hookup, who cares. Long term relationship, is want to make sure our values are in line.

 

Same here. If someone says message me if... and it isn't me, why set myself up to be his Plan B?

[Batya33]

I got the impression the body builders English isn't strong. Her answer was relevant though, it makes sense a body builder would want to clarify if about food. It's a big part of a body builders life. She's looking for compatibility the same as you are.

 

As a side note, I love that she's a 5' body builder. I get that you aren't interested. But I love it.

 

Same here. Very impressive.

[NorthDallas40]

I’m glad to see that every last hair has been split, every dead horse has been beaten, and every nit has been picked on this topic since my last post!

 

But I do want to thank annie24 for comment #5431, as it perfectly demonstrates my point that the kind of explanations or disclaimers being recommended here are ultimately pointless, as I initially stated.

 

Back to OKC, KIMRA (47, 5’5”, 75% match) who I predicted would reply and had “vegetarian” listed in the specs of her profile finally responded last night, with hilariously ironic results in light of this discussion:

 

"Hi ND40.

 

Nice to hear from you. And thank you for your message. Sorry for getting late respond.

Actually I am not an Vegetarian, I like to have fish, chicken, meat,,, but this website didn't have many of choice to chose so I just selected as vegetarian.

I wrote on profile, I do like a Sushi, Thai, Indian, Italian, French,,,,,etc,,,,!​

 

Yes. I do like to go hiking and beach to have a suntan.

I would like to get you know you when we have more time.

Hope you have a great night and Sweet Dreams.

 

KIMRA.”

 

She seems attractive and grounded enough to message back, so I will.

[sophie274]

I'll admit to being confused as to why a non-vegetarian would mark that she is vegetarian because the site "doesn't have many options". There isn't an omnivore or similar option?

 

Do you find yourself getting more responses from foreign-born women than US-born women? It feels like the last few people have been non-native English speakers, but I might be misremembering.

[NorthDallas40]

I'll admit to being confused as to why a non-vegetarian would mark that she is vegetarian because the site "doesn't have many options". There isn't an omnivore or similar option?

 

Yeah it totally doesn't make any sense. User error.

 

Do you find yourself getting more responses from foreign-born women than US-born women? It feels like the last few people have been non-native English speakers, but I might be misremembering.

 

It seems like that to me too, but in reality it's probably more 50/50.

 

HELA was 100% American and her parents never taught her Tagalog.

ADELE was Taiwanese with a thick accent and preferred subtitles on English films but was a voracious learner so her English vocabulary was more extensive than many Americans I know

KIMRA mentions her accent on her profile, so I expect her English isn't at master level.

[NorthDallas40]

I wrote back to KIMRA, the 5' bodybuilder (hey, she has a cute face, sue me) and a new woman on OKC who "liked" me (who looks cute but maybe a bit heavy, can't tell). Just keeping things rolling, even if the options aren't too exciting right now.

[NorthDallas40]

KIMRA replied last night, with lotsa potential red flags and funny autocorrects, but she seems like she means well:

 

"Hi ND40.

You are very generous and gentle man.

Thank you for explains to me for diet section.

I will definitely do that when I have a chance for later.

 

Yes, I am free tomorrow after 5:30pm.

My number has been blocked for personal a reason! I will expelling to you once I get you know you more later.

Suddenly, you can call me after 5:30pm. I am finished work at that time.

Here is my number _______ . And when you send me over text would you write your name on your text message please? If you do that I really appreciated it.

 

My full name is : Kimra ____ .( German Last name) I am half Korean and half Philippine.

 

Well, hope you have a wounded night and I look forward to hear back from you tomorrow."

 

-----------

 

And bodybuilder BRIGITTE (46, 5'0", 58% match) "weighed in" (har har) with:

 

"I'll txt you them call me if you want to. Brigitte"

 

and texted me her number.

 

-----------

 

The woman with an 85% match who "liked" me didn't reply at all, of course.

 

Guess I'll give KIMRA and BRIGITTE both a call tonight. I expect two of the most awkward convos of my life, assuming they pick up.

[Batya33]

What is motivating you to interact further with Kimra?

 

What Brigitte wrote makes a lot of sense -she'd rather talk in person and get to know you that way.

[notalady]

Lol at Kimra's English.. hope you have a wounded night!

[IAmFCA]

I loved that whole post ND. You could drag it out and have a room laughing for a good 20 mins.

 

But my fave line? ... the most awkward convos of my life.

 

Yes! Bravo that you are calling them anyway!

[NorthDallas40]

Had a fun 45 minute convo with KIMRA, who spent 15 minutes of it telling me about the Tinder date that prompted her to "block" her number a year or two ago. After dating for a month, the guy held her prisoner in his house for several days, hiding her phone/purse/keys and abusing her physically and sexually.

 

So I'm pretty sure she's an oversharer.

 

But she said she thought I was funny and laidback so I can see she's an excellent judge of character, as well.

 

We plan to meet up next Monday or Thursday.

 

Didn't call BRIGITTE yet, mostly because I'm not sure if I'm ready for non-stop protein shake chat at the moment. I'm more comfortable with kidnap/rape anecdotes right now.

[WithLove]

All I can say is..... Sheesh!!!!

 

Well, you're well aware of all the red flags with KIMRA, so I won't bother. Good luck! Looking forward to an update!

[NorthDallas40]

Both KIMRA and BRIGITTE visited my OKC profile this morning so I messaged date ideas to the former on OKC, and a text asking if there was a good time to call tomorrow to the latter.

 

KIMRA messaged back immediately saying she was in the car but would respond later.

 

I also got about 5 matches on CMB this past week, all of them in the "decent-looking but not all that pretty, so I'll 'like' them for now and if they 'like' me too I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" category. So far I haven't wanted to message any of them.

[NorthDallas40]

Messaged 8 women on OKC today, mostly people with fairly empty profiles who got my standard copy-and-paste message for folks who offer no conversation starters on their page. Got one blah response immediately.

 

----------

 

I also had a good time with a 28-yo out-of-town friend who brought two of his friends from college who have been dating for 10 months. We had a fun dinner, went to a record store (where the around-my-age clark asked if I wanted to jam with him sometime, and who gave me a vinyl copy of his last band's LP), then back to my place so my buddy could look through my vinyl sales box to buy some 45s.

 

As a collector, I have a fairly extensive vinyl and Blu-Ray collection in my small-ish apartment, so I always prepare myself for unspoken accusations of being a hoarder... but much to my surprise the 30-yo woman of the couple (who is also a record collector) excitedly commented about how impressive (and organized!) my collection was.

 

I also had some 60s international female pop records she wanted to buy, so by the end of their visit, she was almost hitting on me right in front of her boyfriend, who couldn't be less interested in music and just sat there bored while the three of us geeked out on records. Kinda awkward.

 

The couple left early, so my buddy and I then went to the local dance night where I sometimes DJ. I introduced him to some fellow vintage vinyl DJs and he had a blast. Not least of all because lots of pretty girls were there, and we both had several of them drunkenly flirting with us.

 

Nothing was in the cards there for a hookup/date with the club girls, but overall I was glad that this 47-yo can still get the attention and approval of women 15-20 years younger than me!

[NorthDallas40]

As far as online dating goes, I've only cut a phonecall short (after 10 minutes) once before.

 

Until tonight.

 

I called BRIGITTE just now and she picked up, but she couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic to talk to me if she tried. I'd have chalked it up to language barrier because her english isn't very good, but she's a dental technician who's lived here for 20+ years, so I'm pretty sure it was just utter lack of connection or a clue of how to keep a discussion going. She probably didn't even know who was calling her, to be honest… which was borne out by my noticing just now that she visited my profile 7 minutes into the conversation.

 

And the "conversation," such as it was, consisted of lots of one-word answers, long pauses, and asking me questions I had just answered... no, I just couldn't take it.

 

So I abruptly said "Well, I have to go," she quickly replied "ok" and that was that. Ugh.

[Batya33]

Oh I've been there more than once. I think FWIW you did the right thing -no need to waste your time. I had guys check out my profile instead of talking or listening -and one was playing on line scrabble I think. Plus side at least it was short despite being painful...

[NorthDallas40]

As a side note about BRIGITTE, here's what she had on her profile:

 

"I like to try new things and enjoy variety of hobbies and interests. I love dining out and try to new food. I am also like to stay home and cooking with someone special."

 

So asked her about her hobbies.

 

"Um, I like trying new restaurants, eating, trying new wines, that kind of thing."

 

zzzzzzz........

 

--------------

 

Got a couple of replies on OKC and CMB today. One said "hi" in response to my several-sentence intro email (next), and the other said she doesn't speak English very well but I could learn Chinese (next).

 

Another 42-yo woman sent me a couple of replies over the weekend, but it was all just "this is what I did today" stuff with no questions about me. Though she's pretty, she lives about 30-40 minutes away, seems super-mainstream, and doesn't really have any interests listed on her profile. I attempted to respond just now, but I simply couldn't muster the enthusiasm to complete such a pointless exchange. (next)

 

--------------

 

And KIMRA finally responded now (2 days later) to my date ideas for Thursday, so we're on for dinner in 3 days.