Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

She responded with her phone number, so let's call her HELA (41, 5'5") since the new THOR movie is coming out.

[NorthDallas40]

Just got off a 45-minute call with HELA and we're on for this Friday.

 

She's nice, but my gut feeling is she's new to CMB, doesn't have too much of an exciting life, and may not have much in common with me.

 

But dinner with a smoking hot chick who prompted my 30-something coworker to say "I love her" when I showed him a pic? I'll take it.

[WithLove]

Ha, I love when good plans (with hot women!) come together! Good luck!

[NorthDallas40]

Texted HELA today to firm up our date plan.

 

She rejected my suggestion of an improv comedy night (every girl I've ever taken has loved it, but whatever), and while I was thinking of options I remembered we're both off work this Friday.

 

So I suggested a hike & lunch as an alternate to dinner plans, she agreed, made a good suggestion, I accepted it, she felt bad that she hijacked the planning and asked my ideas, I gave her two options, she selected one close to her place, and when I said I'd email her later about lunch spots after my rehearsal tonight, she said she's excited to hear all about my rehearsal on our hike.

 

I have some apprehensions (she may be a bit too "normal" for me and her responses to my planning seemed alternately picky and defensive, then overly accommodating), but I'll reserve judgment til we spend some time together IRL. Otherwise, so far, so good.

[notalady]

Comedy nights might not be some people's thing. I wouldn't hold that against her. She seems normal and polite.

[itsallgrand]

What do you mean by too normal? Lol.

[Batya33]

What do you mean by too normal? Lol.

 

Many years ago a guy ended things after a few dates in which he was all into me saying "you're too normal" lol. At the time I chalked it up to him having just ended things with his ex-fiancee. She was his ex because at the bridal shower his sister learned that the fiancee was not the age she said she was and that was a dealbreaker for him (there was a bit more to it but that was the gist).

[sophie274]

I don't know about Hela in the Thor movies, but HELA is the name of a very famous line of "immortal" cancerous cells, from a woman named HEnrietta LAcks, used for tons of biology research. It's making me think of this woman as never-aging.

[itsallgrand]

Many years ago a guy ended things after a few dates in which he was all into me saying "you're too normal" lol. At the time I chalked it up to him having just ended things with his ex-fiancee. She was his ex because at the bridal shower his sister learned that the fiancee was not the age she said she was and that was a dealbreaker for him (there was a bit more to it but that was the gist).

 

Wow, that's a new one, it's funny he actually said that to you about being too normal.

[Batya33]

Wow, that's a new one, it's funny he actually said that to you about being too normal.

 

Yes, that was 24 years ago and it definitely stuck with me. He was really normal too. I think he was so excited the first two dates and the third just started out kind of blah -and when he asked the death knell question "so do you like sports" I knew it was all over (I really didn't back then but whenever I got that question it was "I've run out stuff to talk about so maybe we can talk sports"). 5 years later I read the sports section after the Rose Bowl in preparation for a date with a U Mich fan. He was very impressed.

[NorthDallas40]

Emailed HELA this afternoon to firm up our plans today, and once again she keeps altering my suggestions. Let's summarize:

 

1. I suggest an improv comedy club on Friday night. She says she doesn't want to go to an improv comedy night.

 

2. After realizing we both have the day off tomorrow, I suggest hike & lunch as an alternative to night plans. She agrees and makes a hiking/restaurant suggestion. I accept it. But then she feels bad that she took control of the planning, so asks for my suggestions. I give her two and she accepts one of them.

 

3. With the hike settled, I suggest getting brunch then hiking, or an afternoon hike then dinner. She says she wants to hike in the morning first, then get lunch.

 

These are admittedly all minor issues as date negotiations go. But i'm already sensing a red flag because she can't just say "Hey that idea sounds great, let's do it!" instead of rejecting or altering literally every suggestion I make.

 

Luckily rehearsal with some guys I've been jamming with went well last night, and it looks like I may be auditioning for the keyboard slot for not one but two established underground soul-oriented artists that already have records under their belt. I also got a raise a few days before ADELE dumped me; stupid her! So luckily my creative life is going great at the moment, which takes some of the pressure/anxiety off dating for me, mentally.

[Batya33]

The issue also might be that you're planning something that is more typical when you know the person so this kind of complicated date-like plan with a stranger might have thrown her off.

[NorthDallas40]

The issue also might be that you're planning something that is more typical when you know the person so this kind of complicated date-like plan with a stranger might have thrown her off.

 

I'm sorry, but "How about a comedy club and dinner?" or "How about hike and lunch?" are not complicated plans.

 

I've taken this EXACT SAME APPROACH with every woman I've dated, and 90% of the time things are planned without a hitch or even much back and forth. My gut is telling me there's something off with HELA, I just don't know what it is yet.

[abitbroken]

I'm sorry, but "How about a comedy club and dinner?" or "How about hike and lunch?" are not complicated plans.

 

I've taken this EXACT SAME APPROACH with every woman I've dated, and 90% of the time things are planned without a hitch or even much back and forth. My gut is telling me there's something off with HELA, I just don't know what it is yet.

 

Some women before they meet a man want to have some control over a date - or to change the plan up just a little for their own safety. if they met you prior through a friend or coffee, not so much, but if you are taking them somewhere that is on your stomping grounds and that they are not familiar with, sometimes women like to skew it towards someplace they are familiar with just in case of anything, which is actually smart. Hiking in the woods on trails you are familiar is safer. My guy was careful to tell me what he wanted to do (meet for lunch) and the day of the week and let me suggest the place so i would feel comfortable since he was a stranger at that point. Women learn from other women to make small alterations and not to let the guy steer the location unless its a place she already knows. At least in my circles.

[Batya33]

Some women before they meet a man want to have some control over a date - or to change the plan up just a little for their own safety. if they met you prior through a friend or coffee, not so much, but if you are taking them somewhere that is on your stomping grounds and that they are not familiar with, sometimes women like to skew it towards someplace they are familiar with just in case of anything, which is actually smart. Hiking in the woods on trails you are familiar is safer. My guy was careful to tell me what he wanted to do (meet for lunch) and the day of the week and let me suggest the place so i would feel comfortable since he was a stranger at that point. Women learn from other women to make small alterations and not to let the guy steer the location unless its a place she already knows. At least in my circles.

 

That's what I meant -complicated as far as the stranger part of it.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I thought the same. I'm actually surprised as I was more used to small 'coffees' or the like for first meets. I actively avoided committing to a full date for the first sussing out.

[abitbroken]

That's what I meant -complicated as far as the stranger part of it.

 

I wouldn't take that as a warning sign. I actually think that's smart. Maybe she has good boundaries

[notalady]

I don't see a problem with her altering the details of the date, as far as dating negotiations go. I wouldn't say she 'rejected' your ideas, just stating her preferences. Would you see it as being rejected (ideas wise) if this was a friend? My friends and sometimes boyfriend do it often (ok not all the times but sometimes), and sometimes I 'reject' their ideas because I don't want to do what they suggested. I don't see it as a negative?

 

Another thing to consider is, and I think you say this a fair bit, yes most or even all of the women you dated may have done things a certain way, whether it's date planning or sex or whatever, but also remember that all of them didn't work out. So, I think being a bit more open to accepting behaviour different to what you're used to in women might end up leading you to women who are very different to your previous dates and one that just might work out. Just a different perspective.

[NorthDallas40]

Though HELA chose to meet yesterday at 10am (a time earlier than any I had suggested) and easily lives 20 minutes closer to our agreed-upon meeting place than I, she was still 15 minutes late while I was on time.

 

Luckily she looked just like her photos: tall, slim, tan, very pretty with impeccable makeup, beautiful long brown hair, constantly smiling, and wearing slim-fitting and stylish workout attire that bared her midriff under her zipped-down jacket.

 

We hiked for about 3 hours, and conversation never flagged, mostly because she always had a question ready for me when there was a lull. And though I wasn’t convinced she was fully listening to me all of the time, she was cheerful and engaged the entire way.

 

When she stepped over the stepping stones over the numerous streams along the way, she asked for my hand to help every time, so we did a lot of inadvertent if intermittent handholding, which was great.

 

After our hike, she was tired but still up for lunch. So we had a pleasant meal of vegan chow mein and yellow curry, which she loved. And since it was Good Friday, she was conveniently abstaining from meat that day anyway.

 

After lunch, I drove her back to her car at the hike spot, she gave me a hug and a cheerful goodbye.

 

All in all, it was a really good (5+ hour!) date.

 

EXCEPT…

 

...despite her undeniable attractiveness and warm manner, I found myself not all that excited about her in general.

 

A few reasons:

 

- She listed “tennis, hiking and traveling” as her main interests on her profile. But she admitted she only took up tennis recently and rarely plays, doesn’t hike that often at all (her comments made it clear that our very easy outing was somewhat of a challenge for her), and her last out-of-state vacation was probably several years ago. But when I asked about her hobbies, she had nothing else to add to that list except watching mainstream movies, mostly romantic comedies. She doesn’t even exercise regularly, which you’d never know from her near-perfect physique, and has no cooking skills apart from the aforementioned mushroom sauce and throwing fish and chicken in the toaster oven.

 

- She’s 41, never been married, doesn’t have kids or pets, and her longest relationship was 6 years (2 of those as a LDR). That doesn’t bode well for anything long term with me or anyone else she might date.

 

- She has lived in this area all her life except for a year in a city about 3 hours away, and was overly impressed at my knowledge of local attractions that she didn’t seem to have ever even heard of. She also got her job as a victim’s advocate because a friend told her about it, not because she was pursuing any kind of life’s passion or interest. In other words, if she told me that her lifestyle was solely working and watching Netflix at home, I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

- Her musical taste seemed to have stopped evolving in middle school, citing PURPLE RAIN as her favorite album, and A-ha’s “Take On Me” as her favorite video. I have no problem with the former, but I’ve hated the latter ever since it first came out! And as an extremely music-oriented person, this could be an issue in the long run. Or not.

 

- When we stopped at a waterfall at the hike’s midpoint, she became quiet and said she just wanted to enjoy the moment, not that she was ignoring me. I totally understood, and joked that I didn’t blame her for wanting me to shut up since I talked almost the entire way. Rather than laughter, this led to a couple of minor bouts of her insisting that wasn’t what she meant at all (which I totally knew), and repeating “I feel so bad now!” more than was really necessary, making my attempts to convince her otherwise sound, well, unconvincing. This seemed more than a little passive-aggressive on her part, though I’m sure it was unintentional. All I could think was that if snarky ADELE eventually came to resent my sarcastic sense of humor after only 2 months, HELA would get tired of it even quicker. And now that I think about it, though I talked a lot with HELA, I didn’t really joke around very much with her at all, probably for that reason.

 

- I did manage to get some details about HELA's life by asking her questions, but she clearly didn’t want to talk much about herself, even saying so outright. Admittedly I don’t want another FREDA, who talked incessantly about herself without showing an inkling of interest in me, but I don’t get an ego-boost from dominating a conversation. On the contrary, HELA’s reticence made me feel like she was an empty vessel, not a just a thoughtful but shy person.

 

- She's single, has no kids, no pets, has no reason to carry much stuff in her car, and doesn’t do much outdoors… yet she drives an SUV. I never understand these people.

 

So I’m on the fence here. I didn’t sense any chemistry or common interests, but HELA was pretty, polite and engaged. My gut feeling is that she is just a friendly person, but not particularly deep, sharp or thoughtful, nor interested in me romantically. Still, she told me several times that she had fun, and even said “make sure to tell me how your auditions go!” when we parted, so maybe the door is open.

 

I’ll probably ask her out for a 2nd date since there’s worse ways to spend my time, for sure. But even if she accepts I doubt that that it will go anywhere, whether because of her lack of interest or mine.

 

Still, I have no other current prospects, so why not. Meh.

[Fudgie]

It sounds like your sense of humor isn't really matched well at all with her. Would that really bother you? I enjoy poking fun and playfully insulting/teasing a partner and expect the back in return.

[annie24]

I don't personally think those things you listed about her are red flags. But I understand if you're just not feeling it.

[NorthDallas40]

I don't see anything about HELA as a "red flag" really, just that she's not bringing much to the table other than a genial disposition, a pretty face and a hot body.

 

ADELE brought intelligence, fun, wit and great sex.

DAKOTA brought new experiences, enthusiasm, great cooking skills and a similar "left-of-center" music/art lifestyle to mine.

KATE had a good combination of the above

etc.

 

HELA doesn't seem particularly smart, funny, skilled or interesting. Just pleasant.

 

However, I'll concede that if HELA was amazing in bed and actively enjoyed being with me outside of the bedroom without being too picky or stubborn about our activities or meals, I'd probably be ok with that kind of bar-lowering.

[NorthDallas40]

It sounds like your sense of humor isn't really matched well at all with her. Would that really bother you? I enjoy poking fun and playfully insulting/teasing a partner and expect the back in return.

 

I don't think I could do that for long without getting HELA's feelings getting hurt.

 

Hell, even ADELE seemed to be 100% on board with that kind of approach, even enthusiastic about it, until she did a 180 ten weeks later and said I was being judgmental. But hey I get it; she wanted to make gratuitous fat jokes about coworkers, and I was being an a**hole for asking her once to tone it down. Just me being a jerk to another angel, as usual.

[IAmFCA]

I have concerns about how you choose, generally speaking, because my impression is that you look for near term affirmation at the expense of deeper roots that might grow over time.

 

Nonetheless I agree with respect to Hela. A-Ha? What you're missing, perhaps, is authenticity. She seems like a shell in search of a personality. Let some middle management guy in khakis have her. Zzzzz for you.

[NorthDallas40]

I have concerns about you choose, generally speaking, because my impression is that you look for near term affirmation at the expense of deeper roots that might grow over time.

 

That may be a reasonable analysis based solely on my journal entries. But in my own mind and my own experience, not at all. I'm always hoping for a meaningful longterm relationship, and willing to be open-minded about it at the start. Unfortunately, the "best" prospects soon turn out to be objectively not so great after all, or are truly pretty great but have decided the opposite about me.

 

Nonetheless I agree with respect to Hela. A-Ha? What youre missing, perhaps, is authenticity. She seems like a shell in search of a personality. Let some middle management guy in khakis have her. Zzzzz for you.

 

"She seems like a shell in search of a personality" nails it. Especially when you take into account that she idolized her older sister when she was a kid, wanting to be just like her, much to her sister's chagrin. And I'm not convinced that's still not the case.