Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

So far so good with Adele!!!!

 

It really has been. She even shares my sense of humor, laughing wickedly at the dirtiest/sickest/most sarcastic jokes, especially those that poke fun at the hypocrisy of society and human behavior... while still remaining (what seems to me) a humble, goodhearted, conscientious person.

 

Even the way she told me about her sexual fantasies was endearing, confessing "I didn't want you to think I was messed up in the head" for letting me know what they were. And I don't have to say much in the way of compliments before she says "you're making me blush!" while still letting me know "I love it when you talk dirty to me."

 

Very few guys would be complaining at this stage, for sure!

[NorthDallas40]

And for those of you who may have missed it, ADELE was part of a vegetarian tao cult for almost ten years, along with her (monstrous) mother who got her into it, and her dumb husband, whom she met during her time there.

 

She successfully deprogrammed herself from the organization, however, and is highly skeptical of religion now as a result.

 

Ironically, both her mom and her husband were KICKED OUT of the cult; the former because she was such a negative influence, the latter because he was too lazy!

[abitbroken]

Early on, DAKOTA told me she stayed friends with her exes, and even hung out and asked some of them for advice about me when we were dating, so this isn't a surprise.

 

As for her husband, she's mentioned several times that I'll meet him, and I'm sure I will. But yes, I think this was a marriage of convenience. During our post-relationship friendship period she would often lament about growing old alone and she also wants kids, so the biological clock is ticking (she's 43, I believe). And though I haven't mentioned it before, her immigration status is tenuous and I think the visit from her parents and my trip to Japan made her start longing to be able to travel out of the USA again. Getting married to a US citizen isn't a bad way to solve that problem, and in her case it may have been the only way.

 

Luckily, ADELE seems quite happy when she's around me (I've never had a girl genuinely smile so much in my presence), and so far has exhibited no insecurity/clinginess/jealousy issues. So when/if she meets DAKOTA, I can totally see them getting along fine, even if they never become "friends."

 

Oh,yes - i get the "stayed friends" thing - but it would be more normal to me if she disappeared for a month or two off your radar - busy with being newly married - before she resurfaced with a catch up call or coffee. But I guess Dakota is not in the "expected behavior" category. Sad that she is not marrying for love or even to someone she is at least fascinated with - although time i guess is the only tell. I hope for her sake they decide to love eacother and falls in love with eachother's quirks.

 

I think that now that Dakota is married, she would't be seen as an immediate threat to most love interests anyways - she seems to drop a little into the background when you are seeing someone anyways.

[abitbroken]

And for those of you who may have missed it, ADELE was part of a vegetarian tao cult for almost ten years, along with her (monstrous) mother who got her into it, and her dumb husband, whom she met during her time there.

 

She successfully deprogrammed herself from the organization, however, and is highly skeptical of religion now as a result.

 

Ironically, both her mom and her husband were KICKED OUT of the cult; the former because she was such a negative influence, the latter because he was too lazy!

 

Ha ha. Re: The getting kicked out for laziness. I guess cults only want rabid followers.

[NorthDallas40]

Ha ha. Re: The getting kicked out for laziness. I guess cults only want rabid followers.

 

Even more hilarious was how they dealt with her mom. As cult leaders are wont to do, they change the rules constantly and without reason. In her case, they told her she would be doing "good karma work" if she *didn't* come to the temple anymore!

[missmarple]

I think that now that Dakota is married, she would't be seen as an immediate threat to most love interests anyways.

 

Correct. It's one thing to say 'this is my single ex' and another thing to say 'this is my now married ex'.

 

Re. Adele, I'm glad you're having a good time, ND. My instinct says it won't last (too much, too soon, still married) but I hope I'm wrong.

[Silverbirch]

I'm glad too that you are enjoying this time with Adele, but I think long-term you may be looking for different things. As well, if she is just coming out of a marriage, she's not likely to want to be in a committed relationship too soon which would be understandable, but I'm sure you will have some good times ahead.

[NorthDallas40]

MissM and Silverbirch I get what you’re saying and I partially share your thoughts. ADELE’s circumstances are similar to KATE’s: both are 10 years younger than me, were still living with their exes when we began dating, and things got hot & heavy early on. Those similarities alone should be enough to keep me wary.

 

That said, ADELE seems more genuinely enthusiastic about me than KATE did at this stage, which is saying a lot, since KATE was pretty convincing.

 

I also can’t speak to ADELE’s longterm goals; I don’t get the feeling she has any desire to go out clubbing, have lots of sex with different guys, date awhile before settling down, or anything like that. My gut feeling is that she’s extremely pleased with our current situation, and expects it to continue.

 

Hell, she came over last night and while I was cooking she even told me “Nobody’s ever cooked dinner for me before. A guy, I mean!” So I think this relationship has a pretty good chance of staying the course.

 

I’m just concerned that we may eventually find that we don’t have much in common. But even on that point, our similarities in beliefs, worldview, habits, ethics, temperaments and sex drives seem to mesh perfectly, and without any clinginess, insecurity or jealousy issues. Plus she’s ok with the weed and my media-collecting tendencies too. Granted, I haven’t told her about my credit card debt (which, I’m sad to confess, after decreasing in the 2-3 years after KATE left, has now grown over the past year, not shrunk - I had kind of a “who gives a f**k anyway” attitude which I am changing in 2017), but even there I think she’ll be forgiving since she basically had to support her husband financially for about a decade. I may have debt, but she won’t have to do that with me.

 

Also, she’s extremely curious and open-minded. I even thanked her last night for letting me ramble on about topics I wasn’t sure she cared about, but she assured me that she actually *liked* to hear me talk, not only because it took the pressure off her to carry the conversation, but that to her, I’m always interesting and she likes to learn about the things I talk about.

 

So I’m not counting any chickens yet, but so far all the signs seem positive and I find myself looking forward to our time together more and more.

[annie24]

I don't think that the debt is her business at this point. Do you have a plan to try to get it down?

[notalady]

I don't think that the debt is her business at this point. Do you have a plan to try to get it down?

 

Yea I don't think it's really her business until you're talking about marriage.

[missmarple]

One more vote for your debt not being Adele's business atm.

[NorthDallas40]

Quick update:

 

One month in, and ADELE and I are "official" - or at least boyfriend/girlfriend and not dating others. I'm not at the "I love you" stage yet, but so far our time together has been fun and drama-free, she's open to all the music and movies I share with her, the sex has only gotten better and she even smokes weed WITH me!

 

Her husband has now moved out, and they signed divorce papers last week so it'll be final in six months. She'll be looking for a new place soon.

 

That's all for now

[missmarple]

Way to go, ND. I'm glad things seem to be going so well!

 

How's Dakota dealing with it?

[annie24]

Great news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NorthDallas40]

First speedbump with ADELE.

 

I told her last week that I wasn’t dating anyone else and had taken down my dating profiles, which was true, and she’s been coming over about every other day, sometimes more. She’s also left a lot of stuff in my bedroom and bathroom.

 

Last weekend she abruptly told me on Saturday that she was going to work from home the next day, which worked for me since I needed to clean my apartment anyway.

 

So this week, I thought she’d be ok with me telling her that I wanted to take off this past Tuesday & Thursday to handle some freelance work, and she was.

 

Well, me being me, I procrastinated on the work, but made sure to call her on Tuesday, she came over Wednesday (all was good), but when I called last night, she didn’t pick up. Instead, she texted back “what’s up?” and when I replied I just wanted to chat but was getting sleepy, she replied “Did you have fun tonight?”

 

I got the feeling she was being snarky, but went to bed soon after.

 

So this morning I emailed her a rough schedule for the the coming weekend, factoring in time for me to finish the freelance job, and to clean my place some more because my friend and his wife are coming from out of town to stay with me next week. But I also included a lot of time for us to do fun stuff, including an early V-Day dinner.

 

Her reply via text was:

 

Maybe I should not come over tonight because “I gotta do some work,” like whatever you meant by that yesterday.

 

Which confirmed my suspicions that she… was suspicious.

 

I replied

 

Ugh no! I had intended to work on the flyer but ended up talking to (my coworker) for 45 mins after work and was tired after dinner. I’m a bad procrastinator.

 

It’s been 40 minutes with no reply, and she usually responds quickly.

 

Sigh. If she’s mad I procrastinated on the work, fair enough. But if she’s already getting suspicious I’m cheating or just doesn’t like that I had the audacity to enjoy some alone time, I really don’t wanna experience LATRICE pt. 2.

 

I’m pretty sure she can be talked off this particular ledge quickly since she’s been extraordinarily rational so far, but with women… who knows!

[NorthDallas40]

Great.

 

HER: I understand. I feel tired after dinner with guy friends too.

 

ME: What you talking about? I had dinner by myself at home If you're mad that I procrastinated on my work, fair enough. But if you're jealous, you're totally on the wrong track. I'm not seeing anyone but you, nor do I have any plans to.

 

I HATE THIS.

[annie24]

Does she have reason to think you were doing something other than being at home? Did you update Facebook that night with old photos of an event or something?

[Batya33]

I think reactions like that are probably pretty common among married people going through a divorce and getting involved with someone new -has a lot more to do with her marital status/being in limbo/rebound than anything you actually did or said (I think what you did is fine IMO).

[NorthDallas40]

Nope. I even called her around 10pm, she didn't pick up, and only replied "whats up" an hour later. I easily could have been just as suspicious of HER!

 

Anyway, she just replied

 

"I'm not jealous. Also I don't get mad at how you handle your work. I just felt things sound dishonest is all. I won't interfere with your personal life. I just thought there were things you didn't mention. Sorry I misunderstood."

 

Well, hopefully that's that... and not some passive-aggressive/martyrdom trap for me to fall into when I respond.

[notalady]

My first thought reading all that was...why are you spending so much time together? Why do you need to tell each other in order to take time "off"? It just seems too much too soon.

 

For me in all my relationships, it's always been, I'm doing my own thing unless we set up a date (or agree to sleep over), as opposed to we see each other unless otherwise indicated. Neither need to justify what we're doing with our own time and why.

 

You shouldn't need to justify your procrastination, she's not your mum or your teacher at school. You also shouldn't need to justify why you needed or wanted a night off, by yourself, having some alone time.

 

To me, you kinda set this up for yourself, sorry dude. Curious though, what led her to think you didn't work? Or that you even went out at all?

 

Regardless, her reaction is telling. She instantly suspected you are seeing other women, after you've agreed to date exclusively. That's definitely a red flag. Was she cheated on in her marriage? I can't remember and too lazy to go dig out your older posts about her. Regardless of that, her snarky comments shows poor communication skills.

 

I think she's not over her failed marriage yet, she's still perpetuating whatever dynamic she had with her ex, with you. That's always been the case when someone new I'm dating instantly make assumptions about who I am or what are my intentions. It says to me that they are still carrying baggage and not ready for a new relationship (well, certainly not with me anyway).

[reinventmyself]

Nope. I even called her around 10pm, she didn't pick up, and only replied "whats up" an hour later. I easily could have been just as suspicious of HER!

 

Anyway, she just replied

 

"I'm not jealous. Also I don't get mad at how you handle your work. I just felt things sound dishonest is all. I won't interfere with your personal life. I just thought there were things you didn't mention. Sorry I misunderstood."

 

Well, hopefully that's that... and not some passive-aggressive/martyrdom trap for me to fall into when I respond.

 

It's too bad you two couldn't have had this conversation over the phone or better, face to face.

I get she was making it difficult but I would have gotten in my car.

 

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. But emailing schedules and resolving issues when someone feels insecure or another is defending themselves in type is a recipe for . . well you know.

 

Heck . .we have a rule at work . . anything over 2 emails and a possible miscommunication warrants a face to face.

(and I don't necessarily care what these people think of me

 

Hoping this is just a little bump. .

[NorthDallas40]

Resolved, for now:

 

ME: Yes just a misunderstanding IMO. We can discuss further while I make you dinner tonight

HER: Sounds good. My apologies

 

As for why we've been hanging out so much, it's because a) I enjoy it, and b) she admittedly doesn't have much of a life outside of work. But I agree that I shouldn't have to justify wanting time to myself, and I'll clarify that gently to her tonight.

 

As for her past history, she and her husband had zero sex life. So whether he cheated or not, I doubt she would have cared. I think she's just new to dating and has some insecurities there, hopefully ones that we can iron out sooner than later.

[Silverbirch]

ND, you mean she went into a sulk because you told her beforehand that you needed to take 2 days of the week off from seeing her to pay attention to other parts of your life. She's got you in defensive mode as well. I think she sounds high maintenance.

[notalady]

 

As for why we've been hanging out so much, it's because a) I enjoy it, and b) she admittedly doesn't have much of a life outside of work.

 

 

Yea I assumed as much, but there's something to be said about pacing yourself and everything in moderation. Just because you're enjoying a handful of potato chip, doesn't mean eating a few bags at once won't make you feel sick (or is good for you).

 

Glad you've worked it out for now, perhaps time to set some boundaries and manage expectations.

[NorthDallas40]

ADELE just texted asking if she could be 30 mins late tonight so she could pick up ingredients to make me breakfast tomorrow as she had offered earlier in the week, and I said of course.

 

She replied she was just joking, and was actually getting her cup size measured for the trip we planned to Victoria's Secret tomorrow.

 

I said that was fine but that I thought I was doing that task.

 

She answered "Right. If I'm making breakfast then it's only fair to let you do the hard work."

 

So I think we're good