Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[NorthDallas40]

I'd give Loni a chance to see how things go.

 

I plan on doing so. Unfortunately she lives 35-60 minutes away depending on traffic, so distance may be the decider if we both turn out to be on the fence.

[annie24]

So yesterday, after promising to get back to me in the morning but never doing so, and ignoring my text at 11:15, GEMMA finally replied at 5:15, just as I was leaving for my dinner with LONI. I'll let our convo speak for itself:

ME (11:15am): Since your schedule seems a bit hectic today, do you want to meet tomorrow instead? I had plans but may be able to swing it. Let me know ASAP so I can make arrangements.

 

HER (5:15pm): 7:30 Indian restaurant in _______? If u don't mind meeting in a group, my sister and her friend are coming

 

ME: Sorry...since you didn't get back to me until 5:15pm, I made other plans. But as I said in my last text, I'm free tomorrow if that works.

 

HER: I'm taking my dad out tmrw. Maybe some other time! You can join us tmrw for father's day!

 

ME: Haha no you and dad have your alone time! Any nights good for you this week? I have a gig on Wed but other nights are open as of now.

 

HER: Family thing so it's ok you come too. I'm really short on time so don't think can meet during week

 

ME: Thanks for the invite but it's your dad's day! Let me know when you're available after.

 

omg - talk about a high pressure first date!! bringing a man you've never met to meet the whole family!! and what if you're some weirdo and her family is like, "why did you bring the weirdo to the father's day brunch?" this could only be more awkward if she invited you to grandpa's funeral.

[NorthDallas40]

GEMMA didn't reply to my last text.

 

LONI and I are on for dinner and comedy club on Thursday.

[NorthDallas40]

GEMMA disappeared (thankfullly?!?), but a semi-attractive but semi-boring-looking woman on OKC said she'd text me this Saturday morning to chat on the phone. Don't care if she does, really.

 

And dinner tonight with LONI was a snooze, even though she looked slightly better. In addition, earlier this week she begged off the comedy club because she has to work at 7am, and revealed that she typically needs 9 hours of sleep and goes to bed at 10pm most nights. I'd elaborate, but suffice to say that though we were friendly, I felt no connection, am not attracted, and don't plan on seeing her again and I'm sure she feels the same way.

 

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On the up side, I played my first gig (a family-oriented outdoor music festival) with the soul singer last night and it went well. The band said I did great, and I was a damn sight better than the horn player who played a short solo that was horrendous, meanwhile my organ solo was flawless if I do say so myself. Next show in a couple of weeks.

 

And my regular band couldn't rehearse this week, but the "ringers" are scheduled for Monday. This time I'll be auditioning another guitarist who I've been acquainted with for years, but only met in person a couple of times. Talented and well-connected guy who just moved to my area and is stoked to jam with us. Incidentally, he's also the guy whose FB-oversharing ex-wife contacted me last month to hang out when she was in town, but I declined.

 

So band stuff is going good... and dating is becoming increasingly discouraging.

[NorthDallas40]

The OKC woman I mentioned in my last post, MURA (38, 5'3", 78% match, accountant), did indeed text me this morning. I called back and left a voicemail. She texted back that she was out with a friend but asked if I was interested in getting coffee later. Since she lives about 45 minutes away, I replied that instead of coffee, I'd prefer a phone call or dinner, providing she knew a vegetarian-friendly option in her area. Just waiting now.

 

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And surprisingly, LONI just texted me "Hi ND40, good seeing you. this is my 1st weekend not needing to take care of my day job, excited I've an acting meetup, bike ride, and otherwise chilling. You?"

 

Which confuses me; based on our dinner the other night, I would have bet money that she's not interested in me as a romantic prospect in the slightest. So either she's interested and bad at showing it, wants an activity partner, or just wants another free dinner. I'm reluctant to reply at all.

[NorthDallas40]

MURA ended up suggesting a vegan restaurant and meeting at 7pm. I'm not a fan of the spot she selected, so I suggested a much better mediterranean tapas restaurant for 7:30pm since I needed time to get ready and drive to her area. She agreed, I arrived early at 7pm and did some grocery shopping and looking around town, she texted me around 7:15 that her ETA would be 7:45, and she eventually showed up at 7:55pm.

 

Her two profile pics indicated that she either a) looked like a conservative woman in her early 40s, or b) a fun-loving, youthful and smiling free-spirit in her early 30s, probably good-looking but with an odd upper gumline.

 

Luckily, IRL she was indeed quite pretty and slim with a business-like longish bob haircut, her teeth did look a little strange but not unduly so, and depending on the angle, her face looked alternately youthful vs. somewhat more mature. She dressed normally & modestly (simple cat-eye makeup, white jeans, wedge sandals, plain top, and a cardigan IIRC), but what was most attractive was her smiling demeanor, pleasant voice, great eye contact, easy laughter, and willingness to engage in back-and-forth conversation that felt comfortable.

 

In a word, charming.

 

And as a 10-year non-citizen USA resident and accountant from the western part of Japan who has traveled to Thailand, Cambodia and most of America's big cities, she appears to be a stable, well-traveled, smart person.

 

However, I don't think we have a damn thing in common except being decent people who enjoy each others' company.

 

Though we spent a very enjoyable time together for almost 3 hours, I could predict the conversation running out quickly if we spent a whole day together. For instance, I didn't get the impression that movies or music really mattered to her, and when I asked what she did for fun, she said "hot yoga." At least she said she's a good cook of Japanese food!

 

She also lives a minimum of 40 minutes away from me, and I don't see that changing.

 

So even though I was physically attracted enough to go in for a kiss (and I think she would have wanted it), I kept things to a hug and mulled over whether I should ask her out again on my way home.

 

At 11:30pm she texted "Thank you for dinner tonight. I have good time with you. Have a good night" and visited my OKC profile around midnight.

 

So I think I'll ask her out again, but I'm very wary whether we're really a match. I'm highly attracted to her looks and her charming manner, but personality-wise in terms of common interests, there's definite caution signs.

 

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Still haven't replied to LONI. Not sure if I will.

 

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But I'll be completely honest: if sex with either of these women was really great, that could be the deciding factor. :splat:

[NorthDallas40]

I texted MURA back:

 

ME: I had fun too. You're very charming Would you like to meet up again this week?

 

HER: Thank you. You are funny. Yes I am free on Saturday after 3pm

 

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I also talked on the phone yesterday to the guitarist friend I'm auditioning tomorrow, and he's clearly WAY into the material I've come up with. And though he lives about an hour away, he says the distance is not a problem for him. Probably because he told me he moved to that (relatively) remote area for his first gf after getting divorced.... and now he thinks they may be broken up. So I bet a move to my city is in the cards very soon.

 

-----------------------

 

Meanwhile, the original band didn't practice this past week, and probably won't next week either because of the drummer's schedule. More reason to get this new group of musicians up and going.

[NorthDallas40]

Rehearsal this past Monday with the new guitarist went great, at the end of the practice he said “This is my new favorite band!” The next morning he messaged to say I killed it on organ, and that he had a reel-to-reel recorder he was thinking of selling but now wants to keep it so we can record analog, old-school style. He also mentioned trying to get some movie/tv/commercial music placements since we’re an instrumental band and the opportunities might be really good there.

 

So that gave me the cue to message my current band on FB and let them know I’m moving on.

 

The bass player agreed to move on with me. The guitarist was insulted but accepting. But the drummer, who I’ve known for 8 years and seemed to be casual about the band before, not only was insulted, but sent two lengthy messages saying what an a**hole I was, comparing me to a “psycho girlfriend” who breaks up on FB but is never satisfied in a relationship, and claimed that it wasn’t fun playing the band anyway.

 

But after some very diplomatic back-and-forth on my end (I wanted to rip them on overreacting about a band that rehearsed for less than 4 months and never played a show, never coming up with original material themselves, and being woefully sloppy musicians, but I kept mum on those points), they both agreed to consider it water under the bridge and move on.

 

So rehearsal with the finalized (for now) lineup is in 12 days and I think we’ll be ready to play a show in a month or so. Stoked.

 

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DAKOTA messaged me yesterday about hanging out with the girl she roomed with in Hawaii when I was in Japan, so we all had a fun dinner, even if they spoke in Japanese for 75% of the time!

 

Then we went to a show that featured one of my former bands (whose album I designed and played on just got released on vinyl, so they gave me 2 copies) and another band with two other former bandmates. Another former bandmate was also running sound, so it was like old home week, we all had a great time, and my buddies in the two bands agreed to invite my group to play shows with them once we’re up and running.

 

————————————

 

Back to dating, I’m meeting MURA in a few hours for a walk around a quaint local town, dinner, and a movie. We texted minimally over the week, just to make plans, but she was happy with my planning and I’m looking forward to her pleasant company tonight.

[NorthDallas40]

The date with MURA was fun again last night. Lots of talking, laughter, and no awkward moments. But I'm having problems getting past her appearance: pretty, but with an oddly bird-like face that I didn't feel inclined to kiss yet again, and a conservative haircut and clothing style that make her look a decade older than her 38 years. Luckily her hot yoga sessions seem to work wonders, because she seems to have absolutely no body fat at all! But equally concerning are our lack of common interests, her apparently busy schedule, and 40+ minute distance between us.

 

She clearly had fun, as did I, and when we parted she even said we should go hiking next time. She also texted me when I got home to say how much she enjoyed the walk, dinner and movie, and visited my profile again this afternoon.

 

I have yet to respond, and not sure if I should. I'm just too wary that we won't be able to successfully integrate our lifestyles if we date seriously. And though as I mentioned previously that great sex could be a decider, I'm perhaps no longer as casual about taking things to that level as I may have been when I started this journal.

 

If only I could speed things along, have sex, see how it goes... and rewind to our first date with no harm done if it sucks!

 

But lacking such time-travel ability, I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave things here. We could have fun in the short-term, but I highly doubt she'd be enthused about my music and movie activity, fit in with my friends, or approve of my weed smoking. I could be wrong of course, but I'd feel like I'd be stringing her along if I continue further when I'm this much on the fence. Ugh.

 

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Yesterday I also messaged ANIMA (44, 5'4" 61%, fitness instructor) on OKC, because she only had one pic and "Japanimation" as her entire summary. Easy enough to message people like that. But our resulting convo was more like a tooth-pulling exercise:

 

ME: Your profile isn't very revealing, but if you like hiking, movies, biking, reading, cooking, traveling and/or music, it would be great to chat! So is "Japanimation" your career, your hobby, or a self-description? (wink emoji)

 

HER: Thank you for your message. About Japanimation...I was teaching Hip Hop Dance class at Dance Studio that owner gave the name to my class...lol...

 

ME: Whoa - when/where did you teach Hip Hop dancing? Do you still like to dance? I DJ at _______ sometimes and I've had people breakdancing to an old Linda Yamamoto song Would you like to chat on the phone sometime? My number is ____ so you can text me and I can give you a call.

 

HER: I am looking for sincere and serious relationship only...

 

ME: I am too! But I can't start a sincere and serious relationship with anyone until I talk to them or meet them in person first... so that's what I'm trying to do (smile emoji)

 

HER: I know...

 

ME: Well, you've got my number if you'd like to take that step. Have a good weekend! (smile emoji)

 

HER: I want to know you more at here...where do you live?

 

ME: I’m happy to answer any questions... though my profile page might answer most of them! I'm in ______.

 

HER: My profile is nothing...don't you have any questions?

 

ME: Haha I asked you about seven different activities in my first message, then about your dancing instruction, but you didn't respond about any of them

But here's more:

Where do you live?

Where are you from?

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

What kind of work do you do?

What do you do for fun in your free time?

 

HER: Before I answer the question...I am not vegetarian or vegan...I separated from my husband last year and living alone now...

 

ME: You’re not vegan? Well I'm not a hip-hop dance instructor, so we're even (smile emoji) I separated from my ex wife 10 years ago, divorced 9 years ago and living alone now too. See, we have things in common!

 

HER: I separated from my husband but not divorced yet. I have no kids. I am living in_______ now. I am from Japan. I have one younger sister in Japan. I am fitness Instructor and teaching Cardio Dance, Total Body Workout and Yoga classes. I like...girls talk, Korean spa, karaoke,snowboarding, walking beach, swimming, biking, sweet, movie, Japanese YouTube, Japanese comic book, travel, laying down on my bed...

 

ME: Luckily most of those things sound good to me too. And I don't have kids either Would you like to meet for dinner sometime this week?

 

HER: I will text you.

 

And she did.

 

I wonder if we meet IRL that she'll still give me answers that have nothing to do with my questions, then accuse me of not asking about her at all...

 

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Finally, DAKOTA texted me today to tell me that a garlic grinder that she ordered for me finally arrived (no, I have no idea why she did this), then asked my opinion about venues for her official wedding party later this year since they only had a city hall ceremony in December. I wonder if her "hubby" knows I'm being consulted on these kinds of things.

[Batya33]

Sounds like your date is looking for more than a sexual arrangement so even if the sex was great thetvwoikdnt help your perception of lack of common interests. She just sounds too multifaceted and interesting to settle for a sexual arrangement with you because she seems to like talking with you and doing activities etc. she might be up for a sex buddy with some hot uninteresting person but not with you. So I'd leave it and not try to get past your dislike of her facial features and sense of long term incompatibility.

[notalady]

Anima sounds like a bore.

 

I would honestly give Mura more of a chance and just spend time together and see where it goes, why rush to conclusions? I wouldn't consider going on a few more dates as "stringing along". You don't know her enough yet, she might surprise you, no? To me it's not about having the same interests, it's about if you are both open to sharing the other person's interest (to a degree) and more importantly respect the other person's interests and give them space to pursue those interests if you're not that into it yourself. To me it's about the attitude not so much the interests themselves. If she shows openness to these things (already or over the next few dates), why not give her a chance?

[itsallgrand]

^i agree with notalady. Though if you've already made up your mind, there's no point.

 

It just seems like throwing away a potentially great thing over silly quick conclusions about her. Kind of seems to me like you get in your own way a lot of times with where and how you choose to focus.

 

Dakota, well, she's just predictable and I don't get why you bother.

[NorthDallas40]

Sounds like your date is looking for more than a sexual arrangement so even if the sex was great thetvwoikdnt help your perception of lack of common interests. She just sounds too multifaceted and interesting to settle for a sexual arrangement with you because she seems to like talking with you and doing activities etc. she might be up for a sex buddy with some hot uninteresting person but not with you. So I'd leave it and not try to get past your dislike of her facial features and sense of long term incompatibility.

 

I said nothing about a solely sexual arrangement. But in my experience, sex is often the cement that keeps the bricks of a relationship stable. So adding affection and sexual compatibility to a friendship can be often be the catalyst that makes things work. However, it's not wise to take that step when you're on the fence. That's all I was saying.

 

Anima sounds like a bore.

 

Probably.

 

I would honestly give Mura more of a chance and just spend time together and see where it goes, why rush to conclusions?

 

^i agree with notalady. Though if you've already made up your mind, there's no point. It just seems like throwing away a potentially great thing over silly quick conclusions about her. Kind of seems to me like you get in your own way a lot of times with where and how you choose to focus.

 

I'd like to think that's a possibility. But what if we go on 10-15 dates and I've still made no physical moves? Of if we finally go to bed on date 20 and it sucks?

 

Dakota, well, she's just predictable and I don't get why you bother.

 

She's fun to hang out with and I have very few other friends that I see socially on a regular basis.

[notalady]

I'd like to think that's a possibility. But what if we go on 10-15 dates and I've still made no physical moves? Of if we finally go to bed on date 20 and it sucks?

 

 

 

 

How many dates has it been?

[Batya33]

I said nothing about a solely sexual arrangement. But in my experience, sex is often the cement that keeps the bricks of a relationship stable. So adding affection and sexual compatibility to a friendship can be often be the catalyst that makes things work. However, it's not wise to take that step when you're on the fence. That's all I was saying.

 

 

If you mean sex will somehow stop your critique of her nose/facial features and somehow make up for the lack of things in common, then I don't think it's a good idea since that IMO doesn't cement those kinds of things but, when all the other pieces are in place and there's a rough patch then sure it is one way to cement things. You'd be giving good sex far too great an emphasis given all the issues you have with her already. And it depends whether you're willing to be honest with her if she is a person who doesn't take sex casually - "I'm not sure where this is going if anywhere but I'm attracted to you' or something like that. If she does take sex casually then you'd be on a level playing field.

 

I'm responding to how you critiqued her and your impression of the long term prospects -not a one size fits all opinion.

[NorthDallas40]

How many dates has it been?

 

Just two. But I have a gut feeling about things and it's rarely wrong. Or at least I can say I don't regret most of the decisions I've made when I trust my instinct, especially with regards to dating. Still on the fence with MURA though. I don't want to throw away a possibly good opportunity but I don't want to waste our time, either. Ugh.

[NorthDallas40]

I texted "I agree - a very fun evening to MURA last night just to be polite and not slam any doors. She didn't reply, but clearly I didn't really prompt one. Plus she's out of town with friends today and tomorrow.

 

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I also texted ANIMA last night to tell her I'd call today, and asked her what time was best for her. She replied at length about her unintentionally dirty OKC screenname, but of course didn't answer my inquiry. I just called her now though, and left her a voicemail.

[notalady]

Just two. But I have a gut feeling about things and it's rarely wrong. Or at least I can say I don't regret most of the decisions I've made when I trust my instinct, especially with regards to dating. Still on the fence with MURA though. I don't want to throw away a possibly good opportunity but I don't want to waste our time, either. Ugh.

 

Only 2 dates? Why worry about what happens on date 10 or 15 or 20? Lol...

 

I don't think it's a waste of time to go on a few more dates if you enjoy each other's company and are curious to learn more, to me it's a "go in with no expectations just have fun" thing until you make up your mind. But if you already made up your mind about her, then sure, there's no point.

[NorthDallas40]

Yeah, gonna have to simmer on the MURA thing for now.

 

But I just got off the phone with ANIMA and whoa... she sounds almost EXACTLY like DAKOTA, though with less cigarette-infused roughness in her voice and much less hyperactivity! Accent, expressions, and interjections were almost all the same - so weird. Plus they have the same first name, too

 

I kept the conversation to about 20 minutes because she was headed to teach one of her exercise classes, but she seemed friendly so we're on for lunch this coming Saturday since I'm pretty busy most nights this week.

[NorthDallas40]

FWIW, MURA visited my OKC page yesterday afternoon and ANIMA looked at it today.

[NorthDallas40]

I missed it, but MURA texted me on the 4th with a pic of the vacation place she was staying at. I'm torn between responding and planning a hike for this Sunday, or just letting her go.

 

Then this morning ANIMA texted to inquire about my 4th. I texted back what I did, and asked how hers went.

 

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As a side note, my 40-yo divorced coworker with a son just went on two CMB dates this weekend:

 

Date 1: Great girl, they clicked well, but he said she had too much baggage to see as anything but a friend.

Date 2: Overweight single mom whose profile pics were clearly 10 years old. Next.

 

He's got another one tonight with a single mom who's never heard of miso.

[NorthDallas40]

Eff it. I just texted MURA to see if she wants to go on the hike we discussed this coming Sunday.

[NorthDallas40]

MURA replied last night with a cheerful text saying she'd tell me her Sunday availability tonight; in addition to her full-time accounting job, she also works part-time at a BBQ restaurant on weekends. :splat:

 

ANIMA requested some photos of me yesterday, then immediately sent me about a dozen of herself. She seems pretty, and definitely in shape, as at least 4 of them showed her in workout gear with a bare - and flat - midriff. I responded with some pics, said she looked great, and she replied that I was good looking. Then today she texted again to confirm lunch on Saturday, which was confusing since I thought we had confirmed already, but I replied I'd send restaurant ideas tonight.

 

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My coworker went on his third date, the miso-ignorant woman with a kid, and said it went the best of the three dates so far.

 

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Finally, I auditioned an alternate drummer with our bassplayer last night. He played really well, and said he'd be up to play percussion when we gig with the usual drummer, so that was an unexpected bonus. And coincidentally he had just sold our guitarist some records last weekend, and our bassplayer had played in his girlfriend's band in the past, so it's all in the family. Feeling real good about the band now.

[NorthDallas40]

After a text and a call, I confirmed lunch plans with ANIMA... and she revealed that the reason she was doubtful about me was because she thought I might not want to see her after looking at her photos! Which, if you could see them, would be a ridiculous notion; she's pretty, super-toned, tan, and with the enviable combination of flat stomach and large bust. Women.

 

But her voice's resemblance to DAKOTA's is still uncanny to me!

[NorthDallas40]

Even though she moved up our lunchtime to brunch time, ANIMA ran a little late but no big deal. She looked much like her pics: not skinny but very much in shape, long hair, and a generally pretty face with no makeup.

 

Upon arriving, she immediately locked eyes with me, leaned forward, smiled and kept asking me questions with such interest in my responses that I thought she was going to eat me alive right there.

 

So conversation was easy and fun, she said I was funny and interesting, and even put money in her parking meter so we could continue talking for another 15 minutes before meeting her friend.

 

With all that in mind, I wasn’t too surprised when she texted me an hour later “Thank you for treating me to delicious lunch. I had a good time with you. Let’s meet again soon. You are very nice. (smiley and stars emojis, a la DAKOTA).”

 

And I’ll definitely take her up on the offer. She was also fun, attentive and attractive, so what’s not to like?

 

Well here’s the list of reddish flags:

 

- She was married in her 20s in a small country village in Japan. But both she and her husband cheated on each other and she wanted to go to Tokyo to do pole dancing after watching STRIPTEASE and SHOWGIRLS.

 

- At that point, she got breast implants.

 

- Once in Tokyo, she immediately became an exotic dancer, and admitted to partying a lot with alcohol and sex, but no drugs.

 

- She remarried to an American guy, moved to USA, and took up being a fitness instructor, but said their marriage didn’t have much sex. This topic came up when she asked me why I got divorced and I listed lack of sex as one of the reasons.

 

- She’s separated now from the American guy, but not divorced.

 

- She said sometimes she gets depressed because she can’t do exercise training forever, and she said she doesn’t know who she is without work.

 

So now that I’ve catalogued all of these notes here, I can refer to them in the future when she goes crazy… which is an adjective she used many times to describe herself. :splat:

 

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My week was busy so I totally forgot to send a plan to MURA yesterday about our hike tomorrow, so she texted me during my date with ANIMA to see if we were still on. I apologized and said I’d send her a plan later, she said that was fine, I sent it to her just now, and though I’m still waiting on a reply I’m sure it’s all good.