I struggle with romantic trauma and it has negatively affected my self-esteem and romantic relationship badly. I grew up in a cheating household and in my romantic relationship, I was cheated on, repeatedly lied to, compared to other women, sexually harassed, was made into a placeholder and verbally and emotionally abused. I also had a difficult childhood with emotional abuse and diagnosed with MDD, Anxiety disorders and PTSD and it negatively impacted my love life. I just don’t feel safe around love but I don’t want to just dump my partner and abandon the relationship because of it. My jealousy causes me to be so irrational and I’m so embarrassed of it that I can’t even bring it up to my therapist without feeling disgusted with myself.
One thing i’m absolutely terrified of is getting cheated on or replaced with another woman during the relationship. I get so jealous when my partner is very close friends with a woman or if there’s any hints or indication that they have a close emotional bond or if they are more appealing to me physically or personality-wise. I’m so afraid that my partner will leave me for them. I’m in an ldr as well so the anxiety is just greater even if my bf has been loyal to me and shows me that i’m the most special person in his life, I get so jealous and get so irrational and upset around his exes and close female friends that it affects me so badly and causes me to overthink.
Recently, I’ve been so jealous of this close female friend my bf had because he defended her during an argument and compared our then friendship to what they had back then (even if it was in a positive way, i still felt hurt). They met online and she would trauma dump about her life to him a lot. My bf is an empathetic person so he would be there for her and after a long time, opened up a little about himself to her too. He is very introverted and avoidant so to me this is a big deal. At one point, she was his closest friend but reassured me that she has a gf, only thinks of her as a younger sister, there would be weeks of gaps in their conversation and they never had feelings for each other. Despite this and the fact that they are no longer friends because she lied to him, i’m still so jealous of their bond. I hate that she opens up a lot about herself to him, that she wants to watch movies with him, that she relies on him emotionally, that they said i love you to each other (despite it being platonic), how she tried to come back to his life despite him ending the friendship, how he opened up to her, gave her an expensive gift because she wanted it and just her existence in general. I was able to talk to her back then and she was sweet to me but i still feel so jealous of their bond and my bf and I would argue about it despite him telling me that their friendship is not malicious. I just hate her and my bf for having her in his life then.
Idk what to do about my jealousy and how irrational it is. I do want my bf to have friends and encouraged him to be friends with one of my female friends but i just cant stand it if he has a close emotional bond with another woman. I want him to have his freedom but idk what to do about my jealousy and insecurity. Its unfair of me because some of the closest friends i have are men and I have a deep bond with them yet I can’t stand it if he were to have that with a woman. He doesn’t seem like the type to cheat yet i can’t be reassured. I also don’t trust other women around him who get close. Idk how to bring this up in therapy without feeling embarrassed or to help myself around these emotions. I just want to be free from such negative emotions
Yes, you are right