My jealousy and romantic trauma makes me so embarrassed of myself and I struggle

[Holssi]

I struggle with romantic trauma and it has negatively affected my self-esteem and romantic relationship badly. I grew up in a cheating household and in my romantic relationship, I was cheated on, repeatedly lied to, compared to other women, sexually harassed, was made into a placeholder and verbally and emotionally abused. I also had a difficult childhood with emotional abuse and diagnosed with MDD, Anxiety disorders and PTSD and it negatively impacted my love life. I just don’t feel safe around love but I don’t want to just dump my partner and abandon the relationship because of it. My jealousy causes me to be so irrational and I’m so embarrassed of it that I can’t even bring it up to my therapist without feeling disgusted with myself.

One thing i’m absolutely terrified of is getting cheated on or replaced with another woman during the relationship. I get so jealous when my partner is very close friends with a woman or if there’s any hints or indication that they have a close emotional bond or if they are more appealing to me physically or personality-wise. I’m so afraid that my partner will leave me for them. I’m in an ldr as well so the anxiety is just greater even if my bf has been loyal to me and shows me that i’m the most special person in his life, I get so jealous and get so irrational and upset around his exes and close female friends that it affects me so badly and causes me to overthink.

Recently, I’ve been so jealous of this close female friend my bf had because he defended her during an argument and compared our then friendship to what they had back then (even if it was in a positive way, i still felt hurt). They met online and she would trauma dump about her life to him a lot. My bf is an empathetic person so he would be there for her and after a long time, opened up a little about himself to her too. He is very introverted and avoidant so to me this is a big deal. At one point, she was his closest friend but reassured me that she has a gf, only thinks of her as a younger sister, there would be weeks of gaps in their conversation and they never had feelings for each other. Despite this and the fact that they are no longer friends because she lied to him, i’m still so jealous of their bond. I hate that she opens up a lot about herself to him, that she wants to watch movies with him, that she relies on him emotionally, that they said i love you to each other (despite it being platonic), how she tried to come back to his life despite him ending the friendship, how he opened up to her, gave her an expensive gift because she wanted it and just her existence in general. I was able to talk to her back then and she was sweet to me but i still feel so jealous of their bond and my bf and I would argue about it despite him telling me that their friendship is not malicious. I just hate her and my bf for having her in his life then.

Idk what to do about my jealousy and how irrational it is. I do want my bf to have friends and encouraged him to be friends with one of my female friends but i just cant stand it if he has a close emotional bond with another woman. I want him to have his freedom but idk what to do about my jealousy and insecurity. Its unfair of me because some of the closest friends i have are men and I have a deep bond with them yet I can’t stand it if he were to have that with a woman. He doesn’t seem like the type to cheat yet i can’t be reassured. I also don’t trust other women around him who get close. Idk how to bring this up in therapy without feeling embarrassed or to help myself around these emotions. I just want to be free from such negative emotions

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Holssi said:

. I also had a difficult childhood with emotional abuse and diagnosed with MDD, Anxiety disorders and PTSD . Idk how to bring this up in therapy without feeling embarrassed or to help myself around these emotions.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? How is your relationship otherwise.

It's good you're getting help with your mental health, however you may be in the wrong relationship if it makes your mental health worse. 

[Holssi]

 

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? How is your relationship otherwise.

It's good you're getting help with your mental health, however you may be in the wrong relationship if it makes your mental health worse. 

We have been dating long distance for almost a year now. Im 26 and he is 24. Our relationship is quite good apart from my issues. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Holssi said:

Idk how to bring this up in therapy without feeling embarrassed

You're going to have to get past this hang-up. That's what therapists are there for, and they have heard it all. You can't really manage this by yourself so your only real option is to open up to a professional. 

Given your trust issues, though, I am suprised you've chosen a long-distance relationship. Those inherently require an even greater level of trust since you aren't around each other as much, and yet trust is your number one difficulty. 

How did you meet, and how often do you see each other in person?

[Holssi]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You're going to have to get past this hang-up. That's what therapists are there for, and they have heard it all. You can't really manage this by yourself so your only real option is to open up to a professional. 

Given your trust issues, though, I am suprised you've chosen a long-distance relationship. Those inherently require an even greater level of trust since you aren't around each other as much, and yet trust is your number one difficulty. 

How did you meet, and how often do you see each other in person?

I get your point and I actually looking for any sort of romantic relationship at first. My bf and I started as friends and then best friends and then eventually we had feelings for each other and given the distance, an ldr was the only option. We haven’t met in person yet but in a few weeks we will.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Holssi said:

We haven’t met in person yet

I suspected this. 

No wonder you're struggling so much. You don't know him offline and it's not wise to put blind faith in someone you have never met. I know you want to think you know him, but unless and until you spend ample time in each other's physical presence, you don't genuinely know a person. It's not possible. 

I also suspect this is partly why you are embarrassed to bring this up in therapy, because you know your therapist will be concerned that you are trying to have a relationship when you have never met this man. 

Why did you decide to get involved with and commit to a person you have never laid eyes on in real life? 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I suspected this. 

No wonder you're struggling so much. You don't know him offline and it's not wise to put blind faith in someone you have never met. I know you want to think you know him, but unless and until you spend ample time in each other's physical presence, you don't genuinely know a person. It's not possible. 

I also suspect this is partly why you are embarrassed to bring this up in therapy, because you know your therapist will be concerned that you are trying to have a relationship when you have never met this man. 

Why did you decide to get involved with and commit to a person you have never laid eyes on in real life? 

I agree -this is not a romantic relationship -he is a chat buddy, perhaps a penpal/friend or someone you enjoy typing flirty or sexual messages to- but for romantic purposes you two are not dating you two are not in a romantic relationship until and unless you meet and date in person over a period of months.  

Also if this person has people in his life who are not his family or close family friends and he chooses to let them "trauma dump" as you say -if this is true -be careful -it doesn't mean he's empathetic -he might be or he might like the power.  People who want to be there in this way for other people most often do so in a capacity where they volunteer to help people in need or pursue a career like social work, therapy, etc.  

Also you have no idea at all if he is married. Does he ask you for money?

[Holssi]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I suspected this. 

No wonder you're struggling so much. You don't know him offline and it's not wise to put blind faith in someone you have never met. I know you want to think you know him, but unless and until you spend ample time in each other's physical presence, you don't genuinely know a person. It's not possible. 

I also suspect this is partly why you are embarrassed to bring this up in therapy, because you know your therapist will be concerned that you are trying to have a relationship when you have never met this man. 

Why did you decide to get involved with and commit to a person you have never laid eyes on in real life? 

I see your point. No, its not really the reason why I’m embarrassed to bring it up in therapy. Its because of how people people bring so much shame around jealousy as an emotion and how people tend to invalidate my feelings and experiences, especially around it

To answer your question why did i decide to involve myself with someone i never met in real life, i wanted to give it a shot based on our feelings and we do have a plan of meeting in person and he’s coming here soon. People tend to invalidate relationships like this and I want to get to know him better in real life so im firm about us meeting in person

[Holssi]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -this is not a romantic relationship -he is a chat buddy, perhaps a penpal/friend or someone you enjoy typing flirty or sexual messages to- but for romantic purposes you two are not dating you two are not in a romantic relationship until and unless you meet and date in person over a period of months.  

Also if this person has people in his life who are not his family or close family friends and he chooses to let them "trauma dump" as you say -if this is true -be careful -it doesn't mean he's empathetic -he might be or he might like the power.  People who want to be there in this way for other people most often do so in a capacity where they volunteer to help people in need or pursue a career like social work, therapy, etc.  

Also you have no idea at all if he is married. Does he ask you for money?

He never asked for money

[MissCanuck]

53 minutes ago, Holssi said:

People tend to invalidate relationships like this and I want to get to know him better in real life

This is critical. 

Until then, don't be so hard on yourself for not being able to trust him. It wouldn't be wise to put all your trust in someone you have not met in real life. 

55 minutes ago, Holssi said:

we do have a plan of meeting in person and he’s coming here soon

When is he coming? I take this to mean travel arrangements have been booked. 

Why has it taken a year to meet in person? 

[smackie9]

Cheaters are good liars, smooth talkers and know what you want to hear. That's your draw to them and can't pickup on the bs, can't see the good from the bad. You have no self esteem so you have been giving into this dude and what he says to you. None of us here would have put up with it and have booted him to the curb already. When you see trouble, run. Learn to be a better judge of character. You have trouble navigating things like this....it would be best to avoid LDRs, internet romance, chat buddies. You will keep ending up with the same results, putting yourself in stressful situations.

[Holssi]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is critical. 

Until then, don't be so hard on yourself for not being able to trust him. It wouldn't be wise to put all your trust in someone you have not met in real life. 

When is he coming? I take this to mean travel arrangements have been booked. 

Why has it taken a year to meet in person? 

Thank you, he’s coming in a few weeks and it took a year because of he wanted to save enough money and wanted to finish his semester in law school

[Holssi]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Cheaters are good liars, smooth talkers and know what you want to hear. That's your draw to them and can't pickup on the bs, can't see the good from the bad. You have no self esteem so you have been giving into this dude and what he says to you. None of us here would have put up with it and have booted him to the curb already. When you see trouble, run. Learn to be a better judge of character. You have trouble navigating things like this....it would be best to avoid LDRs, internet romance, chat buddies. You will keep ending up with the same results, putting yourself in stressful situations.

Thank you

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Holssi said:

took a year because of he wanted to save enough money and wanted to finish his semester in law school

I see. 

Are you both in a place now where more frequent visits are financially feasible?

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I see. 

Are you both in a place now where more frequent visits are financially feasible?

I was going to ask this too -and if the answer is no I would not bother meeting. I was LD with my future husband on and off for a few years but it worked only because we'd dated seriously in the past and with our situations we could see each other about ever 11 days or so.  Plane flights.

[Holssi]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I see. 

Are you both in a place now where more frequent visits are financially feasible?

We can definitely afford it more this time in comparison to the past

[Holssi]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was going to ask this too -and if the answer is no I would not bother meeting. I was LD with my future husband on and off for a few years but it worked only because we'd dated seriously in the past and with our situations we could see each other about ever 11 days or so.  Plane flights.

I’m glad it worked well for you and your husband. At this point, my partner and I can afford meeting more

[yogacat]

I have a male best friend from when we were eight years old, well, we're more like brother/sister. I don't rely on my friend to be my sole emotional support, he doesn't buy me gifts and we don't exchange I love yous or anything like that. My best friend and I will go months without talking but we always somehow just pick up where we left off. 

I completely understand where you're coming from. It can be really tough to see someone you have feelings for being so close to someone else, especially when it seems like they have a deep emotional connection. Be sure the jealously isn't because you're feeling there is more emotion on his side then in your relationship.  

Why not wait until you meet him in person to see how you feel? I mean, you haven't even met yet irl, this girl may have just been someone he "comforted" during a tough time online. Unless you've spent time with him in person and known him for quite awhile, putting your blind faith on a complete stranger is not the right move.

Put the woman behind you and see what all the hype is about with this guy when you actually get a chance to see him in person. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Holssi said:

I’m glad it worked well for you and your husband. At this point, my partner and I can afford meeting more

I shared only because of your situation.  If you can't date regularly in person I wouldn't meet this person.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Holssi said:

We can definitely afford it more this time in comparison to the past

That's good, because you will need to meet more in order to build trust on both sides. 

As I see it, you are worried about the wrong things here (for now) You need to first assess if you two even have chemistry in person, and then see if this is viable connection moving forward. 

 

[Holssi]

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

I have a male best friend from when we were eight years old, well, we're more like brother/sister. I don't rely on my friend to be my sole emotional support, he doesn't buy me gifts and we don't exchange I love yous or anything like that. My best friend and I will go months without talking but we always somehow just pick up where we left off. 

I completely understand where you're coming from. It can be really tough to see someone you have feelings for being so close to someone else, especially when it seems like they have a deep emotional connection. Be sure the jealously isn't because you're feeling there is more emotion on his side then in your relationship.  

Why not wait until you meet him in person to see how you feel? I mean, you haven't even met yet irl, this girl may have just been someone he "comforted" during a tough time online. Unless you've spent time with him in person and known him for quite awhile, putting your blind faith on a complete stranger is not the right move.

Put the woman behind you and see what all the hype is about with this guy when you actually get a chance to see him in person. 

Thank you, I appreciate this

[Holssi]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

That's good, because you will need to meet more in order to build trust on both sides. 

As I see it, you are worried about the wrong things here (for now) You need to first assess if you two even have chemistry in person, and then see if this is viable connection moving forward. 

 

Yes, you are right