I'm marrying a cheater :(

[Cilantro]

I asked him if he was glad she told him his penis was bigger than it actually was.

 

I was just trying to hurt him somehow. I'm going crazy.

[BellaDonna]

Is there any where you can stay so that you can be physcially out of the situation for how? You need to diffuse the situation not get more upset by fighting, especially if you have to work in the morning as you mentioned.

[Cilantro]

i just want to sleep. i want to get in my car adn drive away first though.

[sophie274]

Cilantro,

 

I don't have much to add to what has been said - I'm just terribly sorry. I found out after my ex and I had broken up that he had cheated on me, and lied to me about many other things as well. It was devastating, so I can only imagine how hard it is to find something like this when you were just gearing up for a wedding and so excited for it as well.

 

I agree with Bella that things likely went further than he is admitting to. My own experience was that my ex lied through his teeth until I basically had "proof" that he had cheated - he even said he would never ever do that to me, and how could I accuse him of such things. I think a lot of people lie when they get caught and feel there is no good way out.

 

I would absolutely call off the wedding. A lot of relationships survive infidelity, but that's one thing. To continue the relationship just because you have the wedding planned is a whole different thing ... and something that I think you will regret. If down the road you two make things work and want to get married, I would not be one to judge (though it would be risky, I think) - but please don't force yourself to make that life changing decision in two weeks while also trying to get everything in order for your wedding. Bella is right, you should save those vows you've written for a day when you can say them without second thoughts or doubts and without feeling so angry at the person you're marrying.

 

I hate this about myself, but I'm the sort of person who might say "I told you so" to someone in a certain situation, but I can tell you 100% I would NEVER say it in this case. Most people are not that cruel. The news cycle is fast. New stuff happens. People will move on from your wedding being cancelled so fast it might even seem a bit insulting! Don't even worry about what people say. The people who truly love you and matter will say the right thing, and all the others will forget about their shock soon enough.

 

Just one final thing. I understand how angry you must feel, because I remember how angry I felt. Sadness and desperation are my usual emotions, but when I found out my ex had cheated I was furious and my own anger shocked me. So I get it. That being said, you really absolutely must not and cannot allow yourself to hit him. I strongly believe that's a line you can't cross, even now. So perhaps try to get away from him? Stay at a friend's house, perhaps? Don't be with him until some of the anger has subsided where you can stand to look at him.

 

Hugs.

 

Ok, now actually the final thing - I wouldn't tell his family about the cheating. I think it will seem spiteful and vindictive and not accomplish anything. They'll take his side, and even if they admonish him ... I don't think it will make you feel any better. I'd tell them you've called the wedding off, that they may speak to him as to the explanation, and that you've enjoyed so much spending time with them and getting to know them, have come to regard them as a second family, and are sad that you won't be their daughter-in-law.

[BellaDonna]

i just want to sleep. i want to get in my car adn drive away first though.

 

 

You need a friend to come over and pick you up.

[OptomisticGirl]

I asked him if he was glad she told him his penis was bigger than it actually was.

 

I was just trying to hurt him somehow. I'm going crazy.

 

That'll do the trick.

[sophie274]

I'm way behind the posting in this thread.

 

Cilantro - I agree, can a friend come pick you up? It would be better if you didn't have to drive. Do you have any good friends in the area? If this had just happened to a friend of mine I would get out of bed and come get them and set them up at my house. I'm sure one of your friends would do this to you.

 

Sadly you won't get any good answers or explanations out of him tonight, maybe never. But definitely not tonight. I understand if you want to lash out at him or just desperately want to understand, find a solution, feel a bit better ... but that just can't happen tonight. It's not a good or productive situation and I think you will feel much better if you can step away.

[Moontiger]

I have zero sympathy for cheaters. I would personally drop this guy fast. Nothing good can come from being with a cheater.

 

However you feel about this man, the wedding needs to be called off. Heck, have him be the one to call your friends and family and explain why the wedding is being put on hold (if he is sorry as he claims to be then he should own up to what he did). Then, if you want to stay in the relationship get some therapy both as a couple and individually.

 

He has showed you multiple times that he has no problem lying to you. Now is the easiest time in your life you will be able to get out of this relationship. Once married it will become much more difficult, what if you have kids?

 

Please, I know its hard, I know you probably feel like your soul is being ripped apart, but you need time to think. Call off the wedding. Have him do it with you sitting right next to him, have him explain this to everyone. He caused this mess so he should have to deal with the clean up.

[velvette]

I punched him so hard last night when I started crying. he was trying to grab me to hug me to say he was sorry, and I just started wailing on him. I coudln't stop. I want him to feel how bad I am hurting right now.

see, he's making you crazy. this is not a good situation. ): a good friend of mine, very sweet and gentle all her life, went... well, crazy after she found out her bf cheated. he cheated while they were LD, so at first she was in denial, saying 'oh I forgive you we can work through this just come back home'. but then once they were living together again, she'd scratch him and leave bloody scratchmarks everywhere, hit him and just physically abuse him. so he could feel even an OUNCE of pain she was feeling, she said.

 

well she didn't like how she became, and his friends just thought she was crazy, and nobody was on her side after this went on for a while. it's not a good situation to get into. ): don't let yourself turn into something you don't like, get out while you still can.

 

p.s. they were together for 4 years, and he cheated on her at least twice that she knows of. in the end HE dumped HER when he moved away, so he could find a girl who doesn't know he's a cheater. because she couldn't get over it, and it just wasn't workable. I'm glad they're not together anymore, she's a much happier person now.

[Cilantro]

Im just going to go to sleep. I'll try to write again in the morning.

 

Thank you for all your help. It's helped a lot.

[annie24]

HUGS

 

Something to think about: If you go ahead and marry him in 2 weeks, you're going to have a lot of questions. Whenever he is hanging out with his friends, at work late, or is "running errands," you'll always wonder if he is out with another woman or if his friends are "encouraging him" to get a girl's number or some other shady behaviors. How can you get married, go on your honeymoon and wonder if when he is going to get some ice at the hotel if he isn't texting or emailing some other girl?? I agree with the others - i would not be surprised at all if he did more than what he has confessed to (and what you have evidence for).

 

I'm sorry about your family, I really am. However, the fact that they are messed up doesn't mean that you need to be in a messed up marriage yourself. Maybe they will say, "I told you so, you shouldn't have gotten engaged to a guy so soon." Well, so what? They can talk all they want, but you are the one who has to live your life, not them. you are the one who is making the decision on whether or not to marry and live with a cheater. I saw on TV - a woman's fiance broke up with her the night before her wedding, but it was too late to cancel the hall and food - so she held a dinner for local low income families and homeless people. I think that was very kind of her. why let it go to waste? You can donate your wedding dress or sell it. Try to get your deposit back, and where you cannot, see if some of those things can't be put to good use.

 

$7 K is not so bad, considering that the average divorce costs $25 K!!!

[Blue Spiral]

Not many guys have posted in this thread, and I am about to be evil, so I apologize in advance.

 

Based on the doubts this has caused and how they've affected your peace of mind, you absolutely need to call off the wedding. But there were clear warning signs in your relationship, from the sound of it--and please don't think I'm blaming you. You're controlling, but the relationship is great. You only have sex once or twice a week, but that sounds normal to you given your schedules. I think that he isn't happy, and instead of being mature and addressing it like an adult, he's either coming extremely close to cheating on you (exchanging pics and e-mails is not cheating, IMHO, but I know people differ on that) or actually physically cheating on you. His offer to get tested for STDs sounds pretty reasonable, to me. I don't understand the people who say it sounds arrogant or rude...if he were being arrogant or rude, he'd have told you to bleep off and refused to get tested or even talk about it.

 

In short, yes, I think you should call off the wedding, and you're the wronged party here. But don't isolate his behavior from the rest of your relationship--I think that something is wrong overall, and he's dealing with it in an unhelpful, hurtful way.

[greywolf]

If you're going through with the marriage only because you're embarrassed, then don't do it. If you want to go through the wedding do it because you want to forgive him and give him a second chance. Any reasons besides that, and you'll only end up miserable.

[abitbroken]

If you feel it is too humiliating to call off the wedding, tell people it has been postponed indefinitely.

 

My ex-husband considered standing me up at the altar. I wish he would have. he didn't do it because he thought about my grandparents coming all that way and how sad and humiliated they would be. Or how he would look doing it. My grandparents wouldn't have cared so long as it was what was best for me. They would have been sad for me, but I would have been better off than going through a 4 year marriage or 1 good year and 3 horrible ones. The whole time his family was knowledgable that he was going to stand me up and they egged him on about it and never accepted me also. After i found out i had to live 3 years of my marriage knowing that fact - the fact that he was going to cancel it and didn't. I felt like 3 of the 4 years was a sham, and he wasn't going to stand me up over mere cold feet.

 

Please don't go through with this. If there is a snowball's chance that things change through counseling - more than a year of it - and you decide to reschedule so be it (which right now I hope you never do!)- but do not get married now. You will regret it forever if you do. Like they say with cutting wood, you can always cut again but can never put back what you cut.

 

I found a wonderful man that respects me in every way and I cou;dnt have done it if I was still trying to get my ex to love me.

 

Some women are okay with their guy tagging along to a strip club with their silly friends but exchanging numbers with a stripper on a work cell and then the ex gf - clearly this man has no boundaries. I mean, all he had to do was tell the ex to not send him stuff and block her. But he couldnt'

 

Please take time to heal. What I would do right now is go to a friend's house for the weekend, etc, to have some time to yourself and think and get strong to call this off. But really - better yet, tell him to go away for a weekend or a week. Why should he get to stay if he was the one who caused this. You need a moment to yourself

[abitbroken]

I don't think sex 1-2 a week is a control issue. If people are flat out busy and thinks that is what the other person wants as well. Its more of a a) a communication issue - for one to intiate more if they want it, set the mood, or make it a point to make time for one another b) a sex drive /sex compatibility issue. When my bf and I are together - we are normally only seeing eachother 2 days a week. We screw like rabbits. But when we see eachother the entire week, we don't have sex every single day. There is always some cuddling, but I would say its 4-5 out of 7. the other nights we just fall asleep. But we are on the other end of the spectrum. We dont live together so there are no ruts, etc.

 

Yes, he needed to grow up though and actually COMMUNICATE with her

[greywolf]

I'd tell his whole family. Why protect him? He showed you no regard, so return the favor.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't tell the family. It's really his business with his family, plus I think the whole 'returning the favor' and wanting revenge really just comes back to kick you in the ass.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I wouldn't tell the family. It's really his business with his family, plus I think the whole 'returning the favor' and wanting revenge really just comes back to kick you in the ass.

 

I agree. Why put yourself through the pain of that. Just let him tell them

[Blue Spiral]

I don't think sex 1-2 a week is a control issue.

 

I didn't mean to conflate those two--she described herself as controlling, and she also described how their schedule seems to prevent frequent sex. Two separate issues.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm going crazy. I just found the girl from the club who sent him a pic of herself but I can't figure out how to work his work phone. I accidentally called his boss twice. I'm going crazy. This is what I've been reduced to.

 

She's so not cute. Not that it matters.

 

I'm shaking. I can't handle this.

 

And he deleted his phone's browser history. All of it.

 

Get rid of him now, or this will be your life forever.

[Miss Firecracker]

I broke down today and told a girl at work. She's been with her boyfriend for 10 years, 2 kids. She told me the reason they have never married is b/c eh cheated on her 7 years ago when she was pregnant with their son. I never knew that. She said that you never get over it. Ever. You'll always wonder.

 

I thought she was so strong. Always had amazing things to say about her little family. I never knew she goes through the same thing I'm feeling ona daily basis. Is that my future?

 

Yes, that will be you in 10 years if you marry him.

[Mauxly]

Cilantro, hopefully you are asleep by now. But if you read this in.the morning I hope you take the following advice -

 

Get out of there. You are going crazy, and this is normal. I lost my mind when I found out my ex cheated on me. I was extremely hurtful, viscous actually. Yeah, maybe he deserved it, but that's not who I want to be. My best friend reacted to similar news by dragging everything her ex owned into the front yard and creating an epic bon fire. She's lucky not to have been prosecuted. When this news hits us it makes us unstable and capable of thongs we wouldn't normally consider. So implore you to get out of there and stay in a safe supportive place where you can't hurt each other (even just verbally) and he can't manipulate you.

 

Second, take.good care.of yourself. Go to the.store and buy some.of those ensure shakes, force them.down.even though you don't.want.to.eat. Get kava tea, it will help to.relax you and help you sleep.

 

Sleeping and eating right now are not going to come.easy, but you have to force yourself.

[mushroom1129]

If anyone is gonna be humiliated at the cancellation of the wedding, itll be him when people find out what he did. Its not worth it to live life with him wondering 'well should i really think he is going to the store or to another womans apartment" or "should we use a condom since i dont know whats been going on behind my back". You did nothing wrong. You deserve better and im sure you will hear this a million times more.

[Mauxly]

I just want to add that my cheating ex cried his.eyes out, promised me that he'd do whatever it took to regain my trust, counseling, everything. Three months later, while we were in counseling, he did it again. Now I know....never give them a second chance. They can be so convincing in thier remorse but the truth is that if they were capable of inflicting that kind of pain on us in the first place, they simply aren't the men we thought they were.

 

I'm so very sorry that you are suffering. But know that for as bad as it is, you will heal. I did, and I was pretty convinced at one point that I might actually die of a broken heart.

[Ariel85]

Honestly, I wouldn't tell the family. It's really his business with his family, plus I think the whole 'returning the favor' and wanting revenge really just comes back to kick you in the ass.

 

Oh, but I don't think telling them the truth is vengeful. It's honest. I suppose if it were me, I would be so hot, I would want them to know the truth about their son. I just wouldn't want to protect him, and I wouldn't trust him to tell them the truth on his own. He's a proven liar, so who knows what yarn he'd spin...

[Oneironaut]

If anyone is gonna be humiliated at the cancellation of the wedding, itll be him when people find out what he did.

 

I could not possibly agree with this more.

 

Sweetie, you will NOT be the one humiliated...HE will be. In the midst of planning a wedding, and he's exchanging super-erotic messages with a stripper? That doesn't reflect on you at all, but it makes him look like an insensitive, two-timing, selfish JERK.

 

Like everyone else, I sincerely hope you cancel this wedding, and if possible, take a long vacation, preferably somewhere warm and tropical. You deserve so much better...even your dog knows it. 8)