I'm marrying a cheater :(

[OptomisticGirl]

Even if we go through with this joke of a wedding, does anyone deserve to know waht happened?

 

For me, if I were attending a very close friend's wedding, I would want to know. Because as childish as it sounds, I would want the option to not attend.

[Cilantro]

Do his parents need to know? His sister? What would I even say? I don't know what to do. My mind is spinning.

 

I'm so close with his family. They've become my family. They're so much better than this.

[jenny_mcs]

If you go through with the wedding, you deserve everything you're going to get.

 

You know, this is just awful to say to someone in the OP's position. There is a time for "tough love", and there is a time for compassion. She just found out about this and is scared and humiliated. She is thinking through this and is shocked and confused. What she doesn't need right now is absolute meanness. Geez, have a heart.

[Ariel85]

I'd tell his whole family. Why protect him? He showed you no regard, so return the favor.

[jenny_mcs]

Do his parents need to know? His sister? What would I even say? I don't know what to do. My mind is spinning.

 

I'm so close with his family. They've become my family. They're so much better than this.

 

Sweetie, if you call off the wedding, I would leave it to him to explain why to his family. It doesn't mean you can't talk to them, but the initial call, with explanation, should be provided by him. Your friends can call anyone from "your side" that you don't want to talk to.

[OptomisticGirl]

Do his parents need to know? His sister? What would I even say? I don't know what to do. My mind is spinning.

 

I'm so close with his family. They've become my family. They're so much better than this.

 

It's a hard call but if you want the relationship itself to work out long term, I think you would need to tell them. If you are super close to them - more so than your own family - I think they could help you through this time.

[Ariel85]

If you are super close to them - more so than your own family - I think they could help you through this time.

 

Oh, I think they would side with their son. When my ex betrayed me, his family was shocked and pissed at him, but blood is thicker than water, so they stayed out of it, for the most part.

 

Still, I would be honest with them. If you left it to him to tell them, you know he wouldn't tell the truth.

[OptomisticGirl]

You act like this is all your fault and you're worried about hurting their feelings. You didn't cause this, and you are the only victim here. But you don't have to remain the victim for very long. You have been given a gift, and that is the knowledge that the man you were about to marry has a dark side. Many don't find out until years later, after they're caught up in a long term marriage, with a house, kids, the whole nine yards. As tough as it is, it could have been a whole lot worse. It happens, all the time.

 

Have you ever been cheated on? It's the most mind screwing siutation to be in love with someone, still love them, but have the knowledge they broke your heart into a million pieces. Logic and common sense make no sense when you are in that state. You and the rest of us can see it as a black and white, cut and dry situation but the reality is - and I have been in the OP"s place before more than once - it's not black/white.

[OptomisticGirl]

Oh, I think they would side with their son. When my ex betrayed me, his family was shocked and pissed at him, but blood is thicker than water, so they stayed out of it, for the most part.

 

Still, I would be honest with them. If you left it to him to tell them, you know he wouldn't tell the truth.

 

They very well could. That's another reason for the OP to tell them herself - unless she's present when he tells them - because what if he gives them a cookie cutter version of it?

[jenny_mcs]

It's a hard call but if you want the relationship itself to work out long term, I think you would need to tell them. If you are super close to them - more so than your own family - I think they could help you through this time.

 

I just think that the old saying "blood is thicker than water" holds here. Looking for support from the cheater's family might not be the way to go. No matter how much they care about her, their loyalty is going to lie with their son/brother. I would let him explain why this incredible woman that they love is canceling the wedding. Let him deal with the questions and awkwardness of that call.

[Ariel85]

Yes, I'm all for her telling them herself. Perhaps with her family/friends there for support. Ugh.

[OptomisticGirl]

I just think that the old saying "blood is thicker than water" holds here. Looking for support from the cheater's family might not be the way to go. No matter how much they care about her, their loyalty is going to lie with their son/brother. I would let him explain why this incredible woman that they love is canceling the wedding. Let him deal with the questions and awkwardness of that call.

 

I agree, but I do believe no matter how it goes down, they need to know. If nothign else, they deserve to know why they might be losing an amazing daughter in law.

[jd438]

I broke down today and told a girl at work. She's been with her boyfriend for 10 years, 2 kids. She told me the reason they have never married is b/c eh cheated on her 7 years ago when she was pregnant with their son. I never knew that. She said that you never get over it. Ever. You'll always wonder.

 

I thought she was so strong. Always had amazing things to say about her little family. I never knew she goes through the same thing I'm feeling ona daily basis. Is that my future?

 

Sorry to say, but yes. If someone doesn't have the strength to stand up and say no to those kinds of things, they rarely ever will. They might learn from it (if you left him) If you stayed with him he'd see weakness and probably try to do it again, knowing he'd get away with it, especially once he has you "trapped" in a marriage. A friend of mine has been dating this guy on & off for awhile now, he's cheated on her so many times, and he seems SO sorry when he gets caught, and she just keeps going back to him, even after contracting an STD over & over.. It makes me sick.

 

We're all supporting you here, you need to be stronger than you've ever been before and get out of that situation. So what, it's 7 grand.. you could lose way worse. And you really need to understand what we see from outside the box. It's hard for you to see because you're IN the situation right now. But people aren't going to be as harsh as you might think... I really think you're going to be supported and looked at as a strong woman for NOT putting up with it.

 

Worry about yourself right now. Don't let his guilt and emotions get to you. He'd love for you to cave in & forget all about it. It's not that simple though, and you know it. You know what you need to do..

[WildChild]

This is horrible, I am so sorry! I have to agree that this wedding needs to be called off, and someone needs to leave the house. The relationship needs to end now, and if you can work through it enough, talk about reconciling later. YOU need time away from him for yourself, to sort through everything. Let him figure out what he's going to do, right now your problem is taking care of yourself and your well-being.

 

My marriage ended in divorce due to infidelity. What I could prove, he admitted. What I couldn't prove, he denied. But a person knows in their gut, it is God's blessing of a 7th sense. I tried to reconcile, we went to counseling, she would not leave him alone, and although he told her it was over eventually he caved back to her. He couldn't have the balls or the strength to stay away, even though he promised me, his WIFE, that he would. I filed for divorce, and went through with it even after he asked me not to the night before the divorce was to be finalized. I told him I was going through with it, because I wasn't going to live my life like this and just because of the divorce did not mean it was forever. He has yet to remain faithful in any of his relationships since. My ex boyfriend of 4.5 years, same thing. I always suspected he cheated but I couldn't prove it, but because I couldn't prove he actually was with someone, he denied, denied, denied. Told me the night we broke up if I didn't apologize he was going with a woman who wanted him, I told him to go. He did. Best friend, miserable and didn't want to get married. She too was worried about the cost, what people would say, etc. Told me the day of her wedding she wanted to cancel it, but couldn't bare the embarassment of people sitting there waiting. I told her who cares who's sitting at the church, it's the rest of your life...til death do you part. Is this how you want to live your life, she said no. She went through with it, they've been estranged the last 6 years of their 7 year marriage.

 

Right now no one else matters honey but YOU. I doubt people are going to say "I told you so." And for many reasons. Everything happens for a reason, everything. Whether we understand it at the moment or not, eventually that reason proves or shows itself. This is your precursor to what your life could be like, you've been given a HUGE red flag, and one that shouldn't be ignored. He may be sorry, and he very well should be. Your trust in him is broken. Trust is HUGE, more than love. If you can't trust someone, then you have nothing. If this was your best friend, what would you be telling her. Or your sister. In no two weeks, if ever, is that trust going to be the same. If you decide to keep this relationship, or end it but want to reconcile, you both need to go to counseling seperately, and also for couple's counseling. He needs to be prepared for everything you're going to feel at any given moment, and if he can't man-up to it then that in itself will say a lot about him. And as for this other girl, who or how do you know that she won't respect his wishes, or your wishes to stay the hell away. You may control what can happen with you, but you can't control her.

 

The biggest message you can send him is by ending the wedding, and ending the relationship right now. If he loves you enough, he will move mountains to prove how much he loves you, how sorry he is, and will want to prove everything to you that he wants to be the man and husband he should be.

[Cilantro]

I'm going crazy. I just found the girl from the club who sent him a pic of herself but I can't figure out how to work his work phone. I accidentally called his boss twice. I'm going crazy. This is what I've been reduced to.

 

She's so not cute. Not that it matters.

 

I'm shaking. I can't handle this.

 

And he deleted his phone's browser history. All of it.

[BellaDonna]

I don't want to make you feel worse here but you have to think this through.

 

The e-mails in which they talked about exactly what they want to do to one another and trying to arrange a meeting stopped in January. Chances are he saved those messages for his own masterbation file....Unless you also saw something in his "sent" messages where he backed out of meeting and ended it with her once and for all....chances are they have met and they communicate via text messages which are conveniently deleted.

 

I am very sorry to say that I think the probability is high that they took it to the next level. You mentioned you have sex 1-2 times a week....if he has ever said he has a high sex drive that will be his excuse and you may be dealing with a sex addict in the making and a philanderer. Exchanging pics with random girls and composing pornographic writing over e-mail to an ex demonstrates a constant need for sexual stimulation and excitement, regardless of the consequences. It's a very destructive path. Don't go along for that ride.

[jd438]

I'm going crazy. I just found the girl from the club who sent him a pic of herself but I can't figure out how to work his work phone. I accidentally called his boss twice. I'm going crazy. This is what I've been reduced to.

 

She's so not cute. Not that it matters.

 

I'm shaking. I can't handle this.

 

And he deleted his phone's browser history. All of it.

 

Hun, do you have any close friends, anyone you can turn to right now? Get out of the house and go vent, eat ice cream, don't sit in that house torturing yourself

[BellaDonna]

I'm shaking. I can't handle this.

 

Can you call someone to come over ? You really shouldn't be alone right now.

[Cilantro]

I thought we had a good sex life. I really did. I always enjoyed it for the most part.

[Cilantro]

He's here but asleep. The dog is here. She's sitting next to me trying to give me her bone. I love dogs for simple things like that.

[jd438]

He's here but asleep. The dog is here. She's sitting next to me trying to give me her bone. I love dogs for simple things like that.

 

Awww, animals are good company, but not the ideal company you need right now. You should REALLY go out, you'll feel so much better... I promise!

[Cilantro]

I have to work at 8am. I'm exhausted.

[BellaDonna]

I thought we had a good sex life. I really did. I always enjoyed it for the most part.

 

If you are dealing with someone with sexual issues, even if your sex life is indeed good, it will never be good enough for him. He will always need the thrill of the chase and will see sexual intimacy in a selfish, disposable way.

[Ariel85]

If you are dealing with someone with sexual issues, even if your sex life is indeed good, it will never be good enough for him. He will always need the thrill of the chase and will see sexual intimacy in a selfish, disposable way.

 

This is exactly what he admitted to her in his text today. That he was flattered by her attention.

 

He's weak. Weak people make bad and selfish decisions, then use the "I got caught up in it" excuse.

[OptomisticGirl]

He's here but asleep. The dog is here. She's sitting next to me trying to give me her bone. I love dogs for simple things like that.

 

They always know when their mummies aren't okay.