I'm marrying a cheater :(

[FathomFear]

I have no doubt that he's probably a nice person, but by the sounds of it he's just not ready to settle down.

 

There's nothing particularly wrong with calling off the wedding. I mean, sure, you've invited 140 people. But I suspect a very, very high percentage of those people would recommend that you call it off if they knew the details.

 

Also, keep in mind that calling off the wedding doesn't mean you need to end the relationship. If you so desire you can work through the infidelty issues with him and reschedule the marriage if you ever get the point where you feel you can trust him.

[Cilantro]

Thank you for such a kind post.

[BellaDonna]

We got engaged rather quickly, just a couple months shy of a year of being together. People said it was fast but they were supportive. I am scared of people saying "I told you so".

His dad called me to speak with me about something this morning and I was so close to telling him what his son did. But I don't want anyone to know. I'm humiliated.

 

They were supportive then and they will be supportive now. They will love you unconditionally....some might even be relieved you are calling it off. So what if they say "I told you so"? They'll say it once and be done with it. You'd be far worse off if you have to say "I told you so" yourself down the line and have regrets if you marry this guy and he keeps cheating. There's no worse feeling than going against your own values and standards. That will hurt more than any outsider's opinion can.

[track85]

So no kids? Not married yet? run

Sorry to tell you but he probably banged this chick and probably others. Cheaters never tell you the full truth, he will tell you what you want to hear.

[Cilantro]

^^ This should be further warning and more reason to cancell the wedding. It makes you wonder what else has been going on in the past months. Without trust, you have nothing.

 

He said he never responded. I wrote the wrong thing. She sent him two pics but he never responded. I'm sorry for saying the wrong thing. My head is all over the place

 

He said his friends pressuered him to give her his number and even suggested he use the work number so I won't know. I wrote one of those friends and asked him that (since I'm good friends with him as well...he's in the wedding ) and he thought I was playing an April Fool's joke b/c that's tomorrow. I told him to ask my fiance, and they talked, and our friend is so angry with my fiance. I don't want him to join sides. I just wanted to know if my fiance was telling the truth. I still don't know. I never got an answer.

[jenny_mcs]

First of all- HUGE hugs to you. How awful.

 

I'm adding another vote to canceling or postponing the wedding. It is NOT a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. You have become privy to information that you cannot un-learn or un-see. You need to value yourself enough, and find the courage to do the right thing for yourself, even though there may be some social embarrassment involved.

 

It sounds like you think your family will be mean about it- can you expand on that? What do you think they will do or say that will be so terrible that it's worth it to walk down the aisle and pledge yourself to a man you know has cheated on you?

[Cilantro]

I asked him if I should get tested. He said they haven't slept together since before he and I even met. I don't know if I shoudl believe him. He said "If you feel you have to get tested for STDs, I'll go with you. I'll even pay for it to show you that I didn't sleep with her."

 

Um, thanks for the generosity?

[Cilantro]

First of all- HUGE hugs to you. How awful.

 

I'm adding another vote to canceling or postponing the wedding. It is NOT a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. You have become privy to information that you cannot un-learn or un-see. You need to value yourself enough, and find the courage to do the right thing for yourself, even though there may be some social embarrassment involved.

 

It sounds like you think your family will be mean about it- can you expand on that? What do you think they will do or say that will be so terrible that it's worth it to walk down the aisle and pledge yourself to a man you know has cheated on you?

 

I come from a bad family Alcoholism and drugs. My dad has never been faithful to a woman a day in his life. My dad is coming but will meet my fiance the day of the wedding. I don't even want most of my family there. They're great people in their own right, but at the same time, they're very toxic to me.

 

My friends are my family. I love them the most.

[OptomisticGirl]

He intended to keep it hidden from me. This whole time. He's sorry he got caught, I think. I don't know much now about his apologies. I feel like i cant trust him or believe him. He just "wanted the thrill" and even had the audacity to put it to cold feet, as cliched as that it.

 

I asked him if vows meant anything. We wrote our vows out just recently and it says in there "I vow to be faithful to you". I asked him what he thinks that means. All he can say is that he messed up.

 

I coudl really punch him hard right now.

 

He said he never responded. I wrote the wrong thing. She sent him two pics but he never responded. I'm sorry for saying the wrong thing. My head is all over the place

 

He said his friends pressuered him to give her his number and even suggested he use the work number so I won't know. I wrote one of those friends and asked him that (since I'm good friends with him as well...he's in the wedding ) and he thought I was playing an April Fool's joke b/c that's tomorrow. I told him to ask my fiance, and they talked, and our friend is so angry with my fiance. I don't want him to join sides. I just wanted to know if my fiance was telling the truth. I still don't know. I never got an answer.

 

Being pressured is not excuese though. You're in a committed relationship, he should have the balls to say no.

 

I have taken back a cheater it's... it's a road that I advise not many people to go down. As many have said, a cheater will only cope to what proof you have in front of them. Anything else, sadly, they will still deny.

[jenny_mcs]

I asked him if I should get tested. He said they haven't slept together since before he and I even met. I don't know if I shoudl believe him. He said "If you feel you have to get tested for STDs, I'll go with you. I'll even pay for it to show you that I didn't sleep with her."

 

Um, thanks for the generosity?

 

Seriously. Woo freaking hoo, buddy. Is he even showing true remorse? It kind of sounds like he is being a jerk about it!

[BellaDonna]

I asked him if I should get tested. He said they haven't slept together since before he and I even met. I don't know if I shoudl believe him. He said "If you feel you have to get tested for STDs, I'll go with you. I'll even pay for it to show you that I didn't sleep with her."

 

A negative STD test wouldn't automatically mean he didn't cheat, of course. It could just mean he got lucky and didn't contract a disease from cheating.

[Ariel85]

Wow. How heartbreaking. You must be in total shock.

 

BUT, you're not the one who should feel humiliated here. It's HIM.

 

There is no way you can walk down that aisle. He has been cheating and lying for a good portion of your relationship. If you marry him, you will be sending him the message that you will turn your head every time he screws up, and you will accept his lies and betrayals.

 

End it now. It will hurt like hell, but a lot less than what it would be like to be married to him. You'd spend your whole life checking up on him, as there is no trust left.

 

SO sorry.

[Capricorn3]

by the sounds of it he's just not ready to settle down..

I got this impression too.

 

OP: It also sounds like he's getting cold feet and if that's the case, he'll probably be relieved if the wedding IS called off.

[Cilantro]

I broke down today and told a girl at work. She's been with her boyfriend for 10 years, 2 kids. She told me the reason they have never married is b/c eh cheated on her 7 years ago when she was pregnant with their son. I never knew that. She said that you never get over it. Ever. You'll always wonder.

 

I thought she was so strong. Always had amazing things to say about her little family. I never knew she goes through the same thing I'm feeling ona daily basis. Is that my future?

[Cilantro]

Seriously. Woo freaking hoo, buddy. Is he even showing true remorse? It kind of sounds like he is being a jerk about it!

 

He was crying earlier. I told him to stop crying, that that wasn't getting him out of anything. He told me how sorry he is, he knows he messedup.

 

 

Likely story.

[Ariel85]

And I fear if you had access to his cell phone records, personal and work, you'd find a whole lot more of his "truths".

[Cilantro]

Even if the test came back negative it doesn't prove they didn't sleep together. He's acting really condescending and almost insulting your intelligence with some of the things he has said to you after you caught him, and not saying or doing much to restore your confidence in him. He doesn't seem to be saying much if anything about how you must feel, and the shock, and the humiliation, and the betrayal you are struggling with, it's all about him, and how "he wont do it again" and he'll prove it and blah bla blah. This is not the sort of guy who gives himself to a long term committed relationship and assures that your needs will be met, he's in it for what he can get out of it, nothing more.

 

I told him all of this. It's all about him, how he'll fix it, how he'll show me how sorry he is, how he'll do whatever it takes.

 

I don't think he gets it.

 

I punched him so hard last night when I started crying. he was trying to grab me to hug me to say he was sorry, and I just started wailing on him. I coudln't stop. I want him to feel how bad I am hurting right now.

[Cilantro]

I don't get why you're even talking to this guy at this point? Why is he still there with you? Do you not own any suitcases?

 

Because it's not taht easy.

[Cilantro]

Even if we go through with this joke of a wedding, does anyone deserve to know waht happened?

[rocio]

Nothing is easy. Getting a divorce isn't easy. Splitting custody of children isn't easy.

 

Get out while you still can.

[rocio]

You're not the first woman to call off a wedding and you won't be the last. People won't care nearly as much as you think.

[OptomisticGirl]

I broke down today and told a girl at work. She's been with her boyfriend for 10 years, 2 kids. She told me the reason they have never married is b/c eh cheated on her 7 years ago when she was pregnant with their son. I never knew that. She said that you never get over it. Ever. You'll always wonder.

 

I thought she was so strong. Always had amazing things to say about her little family. I never knew she goes through the same thing I'm feeling ona daily basis. Is that my future?

 

She's right. In the back of your mind you will always wonder when he goes out is he giving a girl his number, or if he tries hiding an email from you who he is messaging. If you go through the wedding without resolving this issue - if it can be resolved - yes, that is your future.

[BellaDonna]

Is that my future?

 

No honey. It doesn't have to be.

 

You deserve nothing LESS than a partner who can be honest and failthful to you. Don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise. "Cheating" is not standard in relationships. Cheaters may like it when people believe that, but it isn't the case. You have the right to insist that anyone that shares a life and a bed with you be 100% honest about what they do, who they are with, and their commitment to you. Anything less is selling yourself short. For what? -To enable a cheater or appease relatives that plan to attend a wedding? Think about it. What is more important? This is YOUR life. You only have one.

[Cilantro]

If you go through with the wedding, you deserve everything you're going to get.

 

Your unkindness is unnecessary.

[jenny_mcs]

I never knew she goes through the same thing I'm feeling ona daily basis. Is that my future?

 

Unfortunately, yes, I think it is, if you go through with this wedding in 2 weeks. Being married can be wonderful, but it can also be difficult. I honestly can't imagine being married and on top of that, having to wonder every day if I am being cheated on. If the ex is sending dirty pics again. If, every time he goes out with the boys, he is giving his number to other women. I really don't see how getting married to this guy in 2 weeks will work. You are angry, humiliated and devastated. That is not the right state to enter into marriage in. How could you even look him in the eye as he vowed to be faithful to you?

 

I'm so glad to hear you have good, close friends. This is the time to draw them near to you and gather strength from them. They would not want this for you. I wouldn't wish marrying a cheater on my worst enemy, let alone a friend I loved.