I'm marrying a cheater :(

[mikem]

This is tough, but do cut your losses and not marry this guy. Everybody, with any sense, will understand. I know a lot of money has spent and invitations have been sent out, but it's not your fault and your personal sanity is at stake. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY AND CALL OFF THE WEDDING. There will be a better man for you down the road. This doesn't reflect on you and reflects on him. Bring this relationship to a close and move on.

[greywolf]

Oh, but I don't think telling them the truth is vengeful. It's honest. I suppose if it were me, I would be so hot, I would want them to know the truth about their son. I just wouldn't want to protect him, and I wouldn't trust him to tell them the truth on his own. He's a proven liar, so who knows what yarn he'd spin...

 

I do understand where you're coming from, but it's his family. I don't think the point of this is to come out of this making sure that everyone knows that she's the 'good guy' because I don't think it matters in the long run. The people that really care about her will support her regardless of whatever lies he tells them.

[Ariel85]

I do understand where you're coming from, but it's his family. I don't think the point of this is to come out of this making sure that everyone knows that she's the 'good guy' because I don't think it matters in the long run. The people that really care about her will support her regardless of whatever lies he tells them.

 

True, but she said they were like family to her, so I got the impression she was very close with them. In that case, I would think the truth would be a good thing. And I think he deserves to have his family be disappointed in him. Maybe that's petty Ariel talking, though. lol

[greywolf]

True, but she said they were like family to her, so I got the impression she was very close with them. In that case, I would think the truth would be a good thing. And I think he deserves to have his family be disappointed in him. Maybe that's petty Ariel talking, though. lol

 

I don't think it's the OP's job to punish him. He's the one that ruined something good that he had; He's the one that sabotaged it, and he's the one that has to live with it. But if the OP were really looking to make him regret what he did, handling it in a calm and rational manner, and showing him what he lost is a lot more effective IMO.

[Miss Firecracker]

Cilantro,

 

I believe if someone asks you why you changed your mind, you can tell the truth. There is no reason to lie if they ask you. If they don't ask, they don't want to know.

[Oneironaut]

Going to add into the, "should she tell his family" debate...no, I don't think she should. If/when they ask, she needs to politely say that they need to ask him. He's part of their family and they'll likely forgive him, whereas she'll only look petty for "tattling".

 

It's up to him to tell his own family what happened.

 

Just my opinion.

[track85]

DON'T.

 

Look I've been in your shoes, my ex fiance cheated on me 4 months before we were supposed to get married. I forgave her because I thought she was the one I was scared of being embarrassed etc., she said it was a one time thing she would never do it again. Keylogger installed and my heart broke even more as a few weeks later she was contacting the same guy agan saying she loves him etc.

 

TRUST ME DON'T DO IT. He banged this chick i'm guaranteed, and he's probably banged others. Marry him and this is the life you will be living, things will seem great at first you'll start to somewhat trust him, then he will be in the shower and his phone will glow and you will work and it will be from a female who will be saying "i had a great time last night". Or that feeling in your gut and you will check his email and boom. Is this the life you want to live?

 

 

Cheaters NEVER change with the person they cheated on rarely, why even take the chance no kids no house together, look I've been there I had to cancel the wedding and let everyone knew, yes it is embarrassing but 3 years later I'm over it and don't even think about it. Why get married and have kids and be attached to this scum for ever?

 

Get out now, count your blessings

[lavenderdove]

Some people have 'sliding scale' morals where they think something is wrong IF THEY GET CAUGHT, but otherwise they are entitled to do whatever they please, following an arrogant, 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' attitude. So he says he will quit smoking but keeps smoking and hides it. and he says he will be faithful but sees TWO women that you know of in order to engage in sexual activities, could be more that you don't know about.

 

I suspect that he probably did actually cheat with them. Cheaters by default are liars, living a double life, the one they tell you about and represent themselves to be, and their actual life with various women who don't know about each other until caught. So if he says he 'only' texted her or 'only' talked dirty but didn't see her, odds are very good that is a lie and a coverup too. He probably only confessed the 2nd women because he was worried you'd already see the photos/texts and wanted to offer you a bone, like 'see i'm coming clean about all this, you can trust me,' but the truth is he isn't 'clean' at all, he's just trying to do damage control to cover up what most likely is a far worse scenario, that he loves living a double life and pursuing multiple women for variety and excitement. Cheating is as much about the excitement of getting away with something forbidden as it is about the sex.

 

So you have learned his true character, and sadly, he isn't the man you thought he was... it's as simple as that. He is not a trustworthy man, in fact a WEAK and selfish man who will lie to your face so that he can pursue anything he pleases, whether it is smoking or other women, and have the thrill of putting one over on you. Perhaps this is nothing more than he is just not the good man, and has been playing that role becuase he knows that is what you require.

 

But you can't ignore that a man who genuinely loved you and intended to devote himself to fidelity and your happiness, would not sneak around like this behind your back. This is not like sneaking a cookie when he's on a diet, it is about betraying a fundamental trust and showing that he is willing to go outside the relationship for anything he feels he needs. He just doesn't have character enough to stand up to you if he really wants something (whether that is to say, yes, i smoke and will keep doing it or I'd like to have more frequent sex to be happy). Instead, he just goes underground, lies, and does whatever he pleases. That is just not someone you'll ever be able to trust.

 

So you can dress him up in a tux and he can say pretty words, but he's already shown you he's a hollow man when it comes to his word, and his actions prove unsavory. I guarantee if you go thru with this, you will be KICKING yourself when you discover he's cheating when you're pregnant, or cheating when you have a health crisis and can't give him sex, or cheating when he's bored, or cheating when ??? People like this are capable of anything because they feel entitled to get what they want, and have no good excuse for cheating other than i felt like it so i did it.

 

Right now, he is going to promise the moon because he doesn't want to lose you. But remember, once the wedding is over, the game changes. He will wait a while until he feels you won't notice, then do it again and again. You'll have taught him it is OK to cheat and all he has to do is pacify you and wait a while, but you'll put up with it. Sad to say, but the wedding is already ruined, and so is the marriage, and you haven't even gotten to the altar yet. But consider yourself lucky you found out before you had a couple of kids in the mix and a future full of doubt and pain. Yes, it wll be a rough few months if you break it off now, but you will save DECADES of agony and distress and worry if you cancel.

 

btw, cheaters who stay married and cheat heap neverending pain on their spouses. And frequently what they do is stay for a while, until they meet some new woman they really like better (or who is different and they are bored with their spouse) then they walk out and you're left middle aged, with kids to raise or alone, and the sadness/pain you feel now would be nothing compared to the bitterness you'll feel when you're 45 and he swans out the door with a 25 year old and dumps the responsibility of raising the kids on you so he can start a 'fresh' life with his affair partner.

 

So you have to think this thru all the way. think about the consequences of marrying someone you KNOW lies and cheats, and the possible outcomes. Yes, he is desperate now because he doesn't want to 'lose' or be embarassed, but once you settle into the marriage, he's still the same lying cheat and marrying him won't 'fix' that, in fact cheaters usually redouble their efforts to cheat when married because they feel trapped and eventually bored with the marital routine.

 

My brother called off his wedding one day before it happened, after everyone had flown out to Hawaii to see the marriage... And trust me, people will be far more supportive of you than you think. My brother and father didn't really get along well, but my father was the strongest in defense of my brother, and the most outraged when he discovered the circumstances, but his anger was aimed at my brother's fiance, NOT my brother. Family will stay loyal to you and be on your side. You might hear, 'I knew there was something wrong with him and i couldn't place it', but that's not the same as 'you are a stupid idiot for being with him'... your friends and loved ones will be outraged, but not because you're cancelling the wedding, but because he turned out to be a cheating rat. You will have their support, and they will rush to help you get over it.

 

One other comment, if his friend is outraged at him, there is a good chance he also LIED about the friend encouraging him to cheat. That sounds VERY fishy, like just another excuse to blame someone else other than himself for his bad behavior, in hopes you'll be angry at that other person rather than him... he was trying to do nothing more than find a scapegoat for his own really bad behavior, and his friend is FURIOUS about that as it puts him in a horrible position, to be forced to lie to cover up for his buddy's cheating, or to just passively be a scapegoat.

 

So this fiance of yours is a piece of work... how dare he claim 'i did it because my buddy told me to...' i mean, how weak and disgusting is that to try to paint his buddy as the reason for his own lack of character. The guy is weak, weak, weak and has no morals, and nothing good will come of that. You cannot build a strong marriage on a hollow, weak man... he will crumble under the pressures of normal life, and his edges are already fraying as you have discovered.

 

Please don't make this mistake. Call a counselor if you need to for some emergency sessions to talk through this.

 

btw, my brother went ahead and had a whopping fun party with his friends and family in lieu of the wedding so the money was totally wasted. And a few years later, he met someone else, married, had a couple of kids, and they're still together and happy 20 years later. This seems like a big deal to you now, but i don't even remember his first fiance's name! It was just a little speed bump in his life, and he moved on to a fulfilling life with someone else. You can do the same, UNLESS you go ahead and marry him, and have those next 40 years be misery and doubt and trying to build a life on a hollow man... So don't let a little short term pain or embarassment cause you to make a mistake that wrecks your whole life and future.

[browney2]

You also have to think about what signals you send. If you forgive him now without any repercussions he will think he can do it again and get away with it. You have said you love him ... but can you live with him?

[agent1607307371]

@BlueSpiral - he didn't offer to get tested, he offered to pay for the OP to get tested.

 

OP - I have been there. When the trust is gone, it is gone. In it's place come paranoiad and pain. If you want to make him hurt, cancel the wedding and don't protect him when people ask why. Don't lash out physically because then that puts you in an indefensible spot as well (physical violence is not the answer here.)

 

By marrying him, you will be placing as much value on yourself as he does - which is not a lot.

 

Do you do sports or martial arts? Because punching something that isn't a person will be a great release right now.

[civilservant]

I cant offer anymore than anyone else has, suffice to say I wish you the best, and that im sorry the rug has been pulled our from under you.

[FreedomRing]

I hope you're doing ok today....this is all very tragic. But you really need to end this, for your own sanity, and also get out of that apartment. Is there anywhere else you can lay your head for a few days?

 

My wedding is in October, and I would definitely be hurt if I found any of this nonsense, BUT, I would have NOOOOOOOO Problem whatsoever, ending things with my fiancee...honeymoon, save the dates, invitations, deposits, etc down the drain and all....I would not care! I don't tolerate cheaters, never have never will.

 

On another note, I would not be trusting any of what his friend says....who can you trust right now? Guys and their buddies stick together more times then not..you really have no idea what happened that night and with whom.

[Ronke12]

Hi Cilantro,

 

I just read your post and all the ones following it. Everyone gave really helpful advice. I really hope you are doing ok. Please don't marry this guy. Dont worry about people saying 'I told you so', or being embarrased about cancelling the wedding - look how much support you have from this site alone. I'm sure you will have tons of support from your friends & family. From my experiences, and many people on this board, he will continue to cheat once you take him back, even if he begged & cried & got councelling & promised you the moon.

 

Please, I beg you, don't go down that road. Its a very dark road once you take a cheater back, with added complications since you will now be married. Take care sweetie. Remember that you come first

[TouchNastY]

Two things:

 

i. About people saying, "I told you so": did they, and you ignored them out of pride?

 

It's easy to point the finger, painting others the enemy [people don't just say, "I told you so" - they say it because they did, out of concern for you, and someone thought they knew better, despite the facts. So in reality, you're trespassing against them through prideful and willful ignorance of their advice for you - there's a new paradigm on "I told you so."]. Pride seems to be a big struggle (the main obstacle, in fact, to canceling this wedding). If you stay in this relationship, be prepared for I-told-you-so 2.0; it won't be to put you down - it'll be out of genuine concern that was, yet again, ignored. [if "I told you so" stirs you emotionally, really think about why.]

 

Call it cold, but this is simple. Unless there's amelioration of your behavior (regarding dealbreakers), the status quo will persist. Things will stay the same. If you have one I-told-you-so situation, you'll continue to have more, unless things change on your end. You can back your car into a pole because you didn't check your mirrors, and no amount of cooing and "compassion" will change the fact that you'll back into a pole a second, third, fourth, fifth, tenth time unless something changes. You heard it from friends and pride resented it, and now you've heard here personal anecdotes; what you choose to do with this knowledge is up to you. You hit one pole; how many more are next? I look forward to the resolution.

 

 

 

ii. Not sure what the deal is regarding the family; one can't assume they don't know the nature of their son, and aren't in on the deception.

 

This is not your fault, but what can be your fault (or, rather, your wise choice) is how to respond from this point.

[BellaDonna]

I couldn't agree more. Especially with the part that I bolded. That is great advice, please read it over and over. If cheating and straying (whether physcial, emotional, or both) is happening NOW, in the early honeymoon stages of the relationship, with a regular sex life, what will happen when things are not as great? Because as you know, marriage vows are "for better or for worse" and there are times in a marriage where giving your spouse sex and attention on demand may not be feasible. For example: if you have a complicated pregnancy and your doc tells you no intercourse, for 6-8 weeks after a the birth of a baby you can't safely have intercourse (without risking infection), during times when either spouse is very ill, etc.

 

Do you really think he can be loyal to you through the ups and downs that life inevitably brings? He is already cheating and lying and being disloyal and this is probably part of the best and most fun years of your relationship- 2 years in, and engaged everything is still new and exciting and you are supposed to be happy about building a new lift together. Instead he is contacting his ex, if not more.

[abitbroken]

Cilantro,

 

I know you are probably at work or coming home. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. hang in there.

I am so glad you are talking about this instead of deciding to be the wife who just turns a blind eye or is silently hurting. I am glad you confronted him.

There is no shame in postponing indefinitely or canceling. You deserve straight answers and honesty.

[SayWhen]

I'm sure you feel like your life has ended in a sense...when you think everything is good and then something like this happens it really pulls the rug out from under you. From reading your posts it sounds like you're still living together...ask him to leave. Or, if he won't, you need to stay somewhere away from him. Being around him at this point will cloud your mind and you need to find clarity and peace at this point. Ultimately, as painful as it will be at first, you need to leave him. He's betrayed you already and the hurt from that betrayal and the possibility of further incidences of infidelity will be a lot more hurtful in the long run than ending the relationship. Consider it a blessing that you found out prior to the wedding. Stay close with friends and family at this time, and far from him so you can get back on your feet. I saw a story once of a woman who was in a similar situation and had already set up the wedding and reception and paid for it...she still threw the reception but instead turned it into a huge party for herself and her friends. I'm just mentioning this as a potential option though I'm sure it's the last thing you want to think about right now. Good luck...we are all hoping for the best for you.

[Cilantro]

I appreciate a male perspective. There hasn't raelly been that on this thread thus far.

 

I admit I can be controlling, but he is very good about calling me out on that and staving it away. I am fully able to admit when I'm wrong in something, so we always get through those sorts of conflicts easily. He does not bow down to me when i get controlling and instead tries to get me to work through everything together and create compromise. So the controlling behaviour I have at times is more easily winded b/c of his reactions to it all.

[Oneironaut]

So how are you feeling today? Any ideas which direction you're going to go with this?

[Cilantro]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I wish i coudl respond to them all, but that'd take all night and I'm still so tired.

 

Today wasn't much better, and I've been putting on a brave face in front of everyone, acting as though nothing is wrong. I actually went to our officiant's house today to give him our ceremony things and go over it all with him, and he and I got to talking. He's my best friend's father, nearly 60 years old. He and I have a very close and honest relationship, and I consider him not only a friend but a father figure also. I came clean about everything actually, though I wasn't planning to tell him and was keeping a brave face b/c we were talking wedding things and I still don't know what to do.

 

He gave me a very good perspective on it all, a male's perspective, and I feel much better after talkign to him b/c he completely lacks bias and doesn't take one side or the other, even though he and I are so close and he's not as close with my fiance (though they know each other too). But what he said shined some light on it all, and it helped very much. Actually, after I left his house, I didn't play my fiance's emails to his ex over and over in my head like I've been doing almost every few minutes since I found out, and I was glad for that.

 

Anyway, he offered his guest room to me for a couple of days if I need it, and I know he was sincere about it. He said all I have to do is just send him a text saying "I'm on my way" at any time, day or night, and he'd have the room ready instantly (I already ahve a key). I told him I may take him up on that. I still may.

 

My fiance and I had dinner tonight, and we discussed everything. He's of course seeming remorseful and saddened by it all, making promises and all of that.

 

My mom is an alcoholic, and I have always felt that she chose drinking over me. I mean, it can't be that hard to put a beer down when your daughter asks you to, right? I sort of feel this way with my fiance. I've had exes contact me to get together, I've had guys hit on me since we've been together. Even today, I ran into a guy I used to see (perfect timing, right?), and my response was always the same: "I'm in a relationship" or "I'm getting married". So how hard can it be for my fiance to do the same? That's how I'm feeling, like I'm being replaced by something "better" than me. Beer > me. Ex-stripper/redhead/girl with 36DDD breasts > me. I keep doing some comparisons with both situations, and quite frankly, I feel replaceable, disposable, expendable, abandoned, whichever the better word is. And I don't like that I keep doing that b/c I know it's not about that. There's something else in my mom and my fiance that has made them do this, and it's not about "me" necessarily. It's about something in them and I'm not responsible for it.

 

Regardless, though, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. My "gut" is undecided. Part of me wants to stay in anger and call it off b/c I'm angry and i want to try to predict the future, but the other part of me wants to look to the last nearly 2 years of being together and the happiness we've had. And then I'm torn...which one do I listen to? I have no idea. I know the logical choice, but the emotional choice is calling me just as loudly.

 

I'm still undecided. I'm not sure.

 

Thank you all for your words. I very much appreciate them and the fact that you guys have thought about me throughout your day.

[Ariel85]

I think you have some very good insight there, Cilantro.

 

You couldn't stop your mother from drinking and choosing that over you, but you sure can stop yourself from being in another relationship where you wil always be second, or third choice.

 

This is a pivotal moment when you can take your power back, and end this cycle of abusive relationships in which you're discarded and marginalized. I really hope you find the strength to make the right choice for your future.

 

Remember - you mother didn't value you, and neither does your fiance. Now is the time for YOU to value yourself in ways these people never will...

[Cilantro]

I do beg to differ about my mother's not valuing me. An alcoholic has a sickness, and alcohol gets in the way of any other important thing. It's not their choice to put alcohol first. Most of them can't see what their problem does to others. It doesn't mean she didn't love me or value me. It was nothing against me at all.

[Ariel85]

Um, you wrote yourself you felt your mother chose drinking over you.

 

And I think if you're willing to make such excuses for how she (apparently) treated you, then you'll make the same excuses for your fiance cheating on you.

[Moontiger]

I'm glad to here that you are doing a little better Cilantro.

 

I think it would be a good idea to get some distance from you BF right now. Take up your friend's offer and just stay away for a few days to clear your head.

 

Remember, any d-bag can say, "I love you" or "I'm sorry" but it takes a real man to show these things. Your BF has failed here.

[velvette]

so you're saying perhaps he loves you despite cheating on you, and cheating is just a sickness. perhaps, yes, he does love despite cheating. so what? that doesn't change the fact that he cheated. and *most likely* will again. and again. because nothing's changed, except that you caught him. you can't choose your mother, but you CAN choose your spouse. why, given all the eligible men in the world, would you choose a cheater?? even if he loves you? unless you can live with an open relationship, I suppose!

 

I hope you will find your happiness, whichever path that is. don't just take the easy path though, it'll effect a great portion of your life.