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lavenderdove

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lavenderdove last won the day on February 24 2014

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  1. Hi Farady... yes he does sound like an interesting guy... but the motif also seems to be that he is going to be gone a LOT and may only want to participate in 'part time' relationship and parenting activities because of the job he has chosen and the leisure activities he has chosen. Some women might be fine with a 'part-time' guy, and others not. But he seems to be making it clear that his activities will keep him away from full time family life. So i'd definitely take your time getting to know him and see whether you can adjust to someone who will be gone as much as he is, and someone who is also taking very big risks such as rock climbing in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure this guy is ready to settle down into a marriage/full time relationship anytime soon because he has way too many fish to fry that will exclude you and your daughter from being with him. btw, how long does it take to get to know someone? I think if you are in a 'part time' or LDR relationship, you need to be really cautious because your time with them is limited AND you don't know what they are really up to when they're not with you, and you need to make really sure that you understand exactly who they are and that you know what you are signing up for and can trust that when they are away from you they are also not seeing other people as well. I don't necessarily think it is bad that he has a job that takes him away a lot as long as you are happy with the 'part time' living together situation, BUT i did find it a bit of a red flag when you asked to go rock climbing with him and he told you no, he was 'catching up with friends.' That would give me pause because he may be a compartmentalizer, where he will have you tucked away in one box, and his rock climbing and buddies in another box, and potentially another woman you don't know about in a third box who either rock climbs with him as well as dating him, or just a third compartment with other women in it because he likes to have an exciting and varied life and needs the stimulation of multiple things and multiple women.
  2. >>I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him, It is perfectly OK to have 'brotherly' feelings about someone and some brothers are quite close without any romantic component to it at all. But the problem I see here is the obsessive quality you have for each other and the amount of time this is taking you away from your wife and family, and you seem to be replacing a close emotional bond with your wife with a close bond with this guy. Though you may not have romantic feelings for him, you can't be sure exactly what is going on in his head and he might be heading in that direction, especially if there is lots of jealousy involved. What you need to work on is the fact that all this batching around you are doing with him must be cutting into time and bonding with your wife and family. It's like the two of you are wanting to retreat into a world where you are kids again and brothers who do everything together. so you two are 'stuck' in an adolescent state of 'bro's before ho's' rather than acting like a couple of married men who are fully enmeshed and devoted to family life with your wife and kids. I think you should consider therapy to talk about this and how to establish healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong at all with having a close male friend but it is obsessive (as this has become) then needs to be about exploring why you are obsessed with him and getting that under control because eventually it could really damage your marriage and kids if your attention is going towards him rather than them. I suggest that if you know you are better when you don't see him a lot, then you just need to ramp back the contact. It can be as simple as telling him you need to devote more time to family life (as does he if he wife is getting disgusted by this). You're not kids anymore and have other responsibilities so focus on that and tell him that. Then start weaning off the contact with him. Perhaps seeing him only in group settings, or at set times (once a month for raquetball) where you don't text and interact between those times. Or make him a workout buddy, where you only see him when you work out, but cut out all the 'extra' games, concerts, bars, and lunches which have a more 'date-like' feel to them and take away from time with your family. So if you feel out of control, then start establishing some boundaries, and don't feel bad about telling him you need boundaries because you are having fun playing at being brothers, but you're adults and have family responsibilites and don't want your wives to feel shut out or weird about it. Meanwhile you might consider counseling. It's great that you have a friend, but the depth of this 'bromance' might need some investigation to understand why you suddenly want a return to childhood kind of situation with a a 'found' brother.
  3. btw, you need to confront him with his very addictive personality. As in, he needs to acknowledge that he cannot drink at all or use any kind of recreational drug and must stay totally clean of all substances if he wants to stay married to you. Lay it all out, that it is now or never for him to get his act together. And if he can't, then it is time to move on. Please don't bring any children into this if you can help it because you don't want them to have an addict for a father and all the disappointment and trouble that brings. He would need to show he has been clean for many years before you consider that. What if you'd had a child who discovered his meth stash rather than you, and OD'ed on it? this addiction is extremely serious, and you need to help him understand what danger he is putting himself in, and understand very clearly that you will leave if he doesn't knock it off.
  4. >>This is not the life I want to lead. That is your bottom line and don't stray from that. Whether he makes the choice to clean up or not, you KNOW you don't want to live with a meth head, so if he is going to use, then he cannot live with you. Meth really destroys lives, and very quickly. And it does permanent physical damage and brain damage when used over time. The first thing i suggest you do is do some googling, including 'effects of meth' and 'meth mouth' and print out a bunch of information on how it destroys people's body's and lives. And sit him down and confront him and how him the info and pictures. Then you tell him your bottom line. That you do not intend to be married to someone who uses meth or live with them while they do. And that he has two choices, stopping immediately and preferably going into at least a month of rehab, and if you can't afford that or don't have insurance, then he needs to immediately start attending Narc-Anon and instantly give up the drug. You also may need to have him get another job to get away from his dealers and people who do the drug. The way you have to look at things, you are trying to save his life here, and it is that serious whether he knows it or not, so extreme measures are required when you learn someone is on meth. and i understand you have sympathy for his loss with his father dying. But that and meth use are two different things, and you need NO sympathy for the meth use. There is no excuse good enough for using meth. So you need to immediately get him into some kind of a program to kick the habit. And you need to have a ZERO TOLERANCE policy and let him know it. As in, if he uses it again, he is out and you are proceeding with divorce. And you need to follow thru. If he refuses to save himself, then you need to make sure he doesn't take you down the drain with him. Meth is a horrible horrible drug, and he needs to detox and get clean, or you need to get divorced rather than watch that downward spiral and have him impact and ruin your lie from it.
  5. >> but being a house wife isn't an acceptable career choice for a woman anymore. I feel really stuck and lost in this world of career go getting women. I feel really guilty that I'm not like that as well. Actually i think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if both husband and wife agree to it and can afford it and are happy with it. But I do believe that if you are in that role, it is vulnerable from the standpoint if you have no career, you need to make sure that your husband is very well insured such that if he dies unexpectedly and before you are able to get retirement income from his pension/govt. assitance, that the insurance pays out enough money to pay off the house and carry you until you are able to find a career. And the reality is that many couples are totally besotted and in love when they marry, but more then 50% eventually divorce for any number of reasons, so it is also not the best idea to have no career to fall back on if you get left in middle age by your husband. So my concern isn't that you can't be a happy person working part time and focusing on your marriage, but that you are already expressing feelings that you're in the doldrums and are having a bit of a let down about your life after devoting yourself intensely to wedding planning and now you've lost focus because you're just in a boring part time office job and not enough to do to keep your mind engaged. If you are artistic by nature, there are lots of careers that you could follow. For example, you could study dancing (legit. dancing, not stripping) and get a teaching degree at the same time, and teach dancing to kids or older people (dancing, not stripping). Or get a degree or training that allows you to work as a personal trainer. Or express your artistic side in other ways. Study art history and work in an art gallery around other artistic types. You are actually in a wonderful position if your husband is willing to support you and allow you the time and money to re-invent your life into a career that is both fulfilling and provides more money than a boring office job. re: the 'seductive velvet underground,' i know it is obviously appealing to you know and you have had some success there which makes you feel good. However, your success in that industry is based on being youthful, and it could be demoralizing and depressing for you when you will no longer get the approval from men because you're seen as too old to appeal to the clientele (and 'old' there is 30+) when younger/newer girls come onto the scene. So if you are still young enough to do it and find it exciting and lucrative, then nothing wrong with pursuing it as long as it is a 'safe' profession for you and you don't fall into the criminal element and worsening drug use or hooking on the side as many of the girls who get into that profession do. And would your husband approve of a switch back into the profession? That would need to be a consideration of course. So my suggestion is that although you find that velvet underground seductive, it is a very limited time option, and it won't be nearly as fun when the approval stops coming, which it will because the appeal to men in stripping is heavily based on your looks and youth. You may have great talent, but nobody really wants an old stripper and many people find them pathetic and the applause could switch to cat-calls when you go onstage. So your short term goals might be earning money thru stripping, but your long term goals need to focus on getting some kind of career now that will support you in 5+ years when you have to leave stripping. Unless of course you do believe you'll be content to be a housewife and have other 'little' jobs like the one you have now. There is nothing wrong at all with that if you and your husband are happy with that, but i suspect you will get very bored and need to find some long-term goals rather than just daydreaming.
  6. >>Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway. You know, I've achieved a lot in my life, and most of my hopes/goals so far. But i don't do it by expecting the universe to just hand it to me. I am no more deserving of having something handed to me than someone else. Sometimes you get handed good things, and sometimes bad things happen, but the MOST good things will happen if you realize you make plans, set goals, and you might have to work for them. So you want a nice house and to have a lot of money. What can you do NOW to break your life into small goals that will get you there? For example, you talk about wanting to be a stripper/dancer. How about instead of that (which is a short term career and will 'expire' by the time you're 30), you instead use your spare time to go back to school and get a career that you know will pay off in 5 or 10 years and let you and your husband buy that nice house? Or return to stripping for only one year, saving every dime so that you can support yourself long enough in school to get a really well paying career that will pay you for life. There are so many ways to go to school these days where you can work and go to school, and frequently totally online so you don't even have to attend classes, but can study on your lunch hour and anytime you have a free moment, rather than sitting at home just daydreaming and waiting for your husband to come home. I think this is a wonderful time in your life (being a newlywed), but you will get bored and dissatisfied very quickly if you don't start setting reasonable goals (small goals that will lead to bigger goals like getting your house) and using your time wisely. Because the reality is that MANY people dream of things that will never happen for them if they don't set themselves on the right path to setting goals and meeting goals that will take them closer to the larger end goals. i think it makes you feel special to remember you dreamed of a Prince Charming and got one, and you think that must be some evidence that all your other wishes will come true, but honestly, 95% of the population meets their Prince/Princess Charming and marries them, so it doesn't reflect any special power that you have to attract a husband in a special way. Only 5% of the population doesn't eventually marry, and most of them because they don't want to. Success is about 'doing' special and not just 'feeling' special. How about you spend some time working on a budget, determining how much money you'll need to buy that house, looking a careers and schools that will be able to pay you well for a lifetime rather than just for a few more years as a stripper. That will be a more sure road to success than just assuming you'll be rich because you dream about it and want to be.
  7. Oh, it's always so hard on the trees when the first snowfall hits while the leaves are all still on the trees... they just can't handle the weight of the snow piling up on the leaves without breaking. Ugh, i think they are predicting a bad winter here in the U.S. as well. Last year was horrendous... I feel like all i did was shovel, shovel, shovel!
  8. >>I had one bad day...and I'm never going to hear the end of it on here. Ah, never post something and ask what people think about it or they will tell you! Just keep in mind that there was no attempt to judge, just to help you. We all lose perspective sometimes.
  9. Ah, kittens and puppies... instant happiness. i caught up on this thread a bit... re: your letter (a couple weeks ago), those are the kind of things you want to discuss with your therapist and not a BF, especially not when only dating for 6 months. If you have insecurities, bad experiences from your past etc. that need to be worked out emotionally, those are best handled by a counselor rather than expecting a BF to 'shrink' you and jolly you out of your insecurities and issues. You're trying to dump a heavy load on him there, that unless he's a professional he may feel overwhelmed and confused (and possibily scared) as to what you expect from him in terms of nurturing your emotional state and issues. When dating, you need to really just try to relax and really get to know a person for quite a while before deciding if they're a keeper. And 6 months is not long enough to do that. If he's waffling after a couple of years, that would warrant a talk about goals and whether you are both interested in taking things permanent with a potential engagement/marriage, but definitely not at 6 months. And the tone of your letter was really casting him in a 'savior' role for yourself and your life, and a 'Daddy' role with your daughter and how you want a man just like him, i.e., it was very 'broody' and sounding like you are expecting a commitment from him and soon as a father figure for your child, which you shouldn't be at 6 months. So i agree with everyone else. Just have fun at this point, keep it light and don't dump all your heavy issues in his lap. If you want to send him anything, send him cookies and funny/happy letters and drawings from your child and talk about fun things you might want to do together when he is back in town.. that will make him feel happy and connected and to want to continue to see more of you. If you feel that kind of need to spill and/or deal with insecurities or neediness, it would argue you might consider getting counseling and bringing those emotions there so they don't interfere with what sounds like a nice budding relationship, but too early to lock him down or expect too much from him or it might overwhelm him. And you should never look to your partner to be your shrink. If you have heavy issues from your past or feel the need to keep bringing the past up, time to go to a therapist for a while and let them deal with those issues. also, re: PMSing, i always tell young women though you may know you are feeling that way, it doesn't give you an excuse to emote all over your BF, tears, tantrums, etc. As an adult, you need to learn to modulate those emotions and not use your partner as a dumping ground for them. Read up on ways to reduce PMS symptoms (there are many), and if you are feeling hormonal, and something he does sets you off, be very aware that you are PMSing, and tell youself, 'nope, not gonna indulge that impulse to vomit my emotions all over him because I'm cranky/moody/teary/bloaty.' And if you feel REALLY horrible, just be honest and tell him you feel really horrible and today is not a good day to do x, y, or z because you're feeling cranky and not feeling well and need a little alone time. When i was young, i noticed that i'd always want to fight with my BF on one day a month, and one day only, when everything he did made me mad, though he was doing nothing wrong and nothing different than he did any other day... and i realized the pattern, that it was me being hormonal and he was doing absolutely nothing wrong at all and it was me needing to get a grip and bite my tongue and not engage or dump on him if i was feeling that way. the good news is that that gets better as you age, and when you learn methods to mitigate PMS systems and not indulge your inner witch when you feel hormonal. It is not right to use it is an excuse or just say 'oh, women are like that and you have to deal with it when i feel that way.' that is like a man saying it is OK to slap a woman around when she makes him angry because men are more physical and they are like that. That's an excuse for bad behavior, not a valid reason. So work on that and your relationships will go better and you won't get into those negative situations (or give in to the impulse to send a letter that might damage your relationship because you are feeling overly moody/insecure/cranky that day). I learned to control those PMS-y impulses, and everyone can.
  10. >>The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'. It's not too late to get a good education and career and you're an adult, so why not accept that offer from your uncle? Doesn't matter what your father says.
  11. Crocodile tears!!! Baby wants ALL his favorite toys around him and cries when he has to leave one behind because he can't have them all at once. Don't fall for it! Cut him out of your life and move forward. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens more often than people realize. Some people have no character and are selfish enough to just take what they want with no reference to how their choices and actions will affect other people. He has no moral center. It's all about what feels good for him at the moment, and that will change from moment to moment.
  12. Oh, I'm really sorry... something similar happened to me as i posted above. Really, RUN don't walk away from this guy... he has shown you that he is a betrayer and capable of living a double life and lying and cheating. You can't believe a single thing that he says, and he may do this to you again and again and most likely will NOT divorce her at all, though he may lie and say he divorced her. Men with 'bigamist' leanings like this are extremely narcissistic and frequently sociopaths, so you need to get totally away from him. He probably married her because she had money or assets or else he got her pregnant and married her to pacify her. He is also giving you clues.. by saying things like 'she will never come here' and 'you shouldn't have unpacked and found it' he is just letting you know how his mind works. He's not SORRY he did this and doesn't see how wrong this all is, instead he just sees it as a 'compartmentalization' issue where he has to keep you in one location and her in another and hence in that circumstance can have his cake and eat it too! You can't un-know what you know, and what you know about this guy is devastating and scary! He's at best a narcissist and at worst a sociopath, so you need to save yourself and get away from him.
  13. Honey, she married someone else. End of story, end of game. You need to not be thinking about your ex at all. Doesn't matter if she gives birth to a baby with 3 heads or their house burns down or she wins the lottery or anything else. Her life, issues, problems, triumphs, failures etc. are none of your concern and none of your business. She is a married woman now, and married to someone else, so it is time to totally cut contact with her and any sources of information about her. If anyone else tries to start talking to you about her, you just cut them off. You can be polite and say you'd prefer not to discuss it because it is old news and water over the dam and you wish her well, but she is someone else's wife now and not your concern. Then work on letting go. And find an available girl for yourself. Also, never underestimate how much people like to gossip, especially if it is 'juicy' or scandalous information like teen pregnancies, misfortunes etc. So don't read anything at all into these women talking to you about your ex. They're just having a good gossip, and probably thinking you might enjoy hearing about her troubles since she tossed you over in the mode of sweet revenge/what goes around comes around.
  14. btw, start investigating those resources now... you want to be prepared for any outcome in the divorce, not just expect your preferred outcome to happen. If you've done your research on what it will take to get you a job in the quickest way possible, and to find resources to care for your children after school while you work, you will be ready for both the best and worst case scenarios in the divorce.
  15. >>Remember this is not just about me, my beautiful boys will most likely be with me well into adulthood and possibly longer. And this, I do understand and feel for you, but there are lots of alternatives these days that offer resources to help care for special needs children (and adults) that don't involve your husband continuing to support you while you don't work because you prefer to stay home with the boys rather than taking advantage of the alternatives. I know you want to be a stay at home Mom with them, but that most likely will be something the judge will not allow for another 10+ years if there are other govt./school resources available to help you work and take care of your sons for the couple hours between when you leave work and when you arrive home.
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