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lavenderdove

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Everything posted by lavenderdove

  1. Hi Farady... yes he does sound like an interesting guy... but the motif also seems to be that he is going to be gone a LOT and may only want to participate in 'part time' relationship and parenting activities because of the job he has chosen and the leisure activities he has chosen. Some women might be fine with a 'part-time' guy, and others not. But he seems to be making it clear that his activities will keep him away from full time family life. So i'd definitely take your time getting to know him and see whether you can adjust to someone who will be gone as much as he is, and someone who is also taking very big risks such as rock climbing in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure this guy is ready to settle down into a marriage/full time relationship anytime soon because he has way too many fish to fry that will exclude you and your daughter from being with him. btw, how long does it take to get to know someone? I think if you are in a 'part time' or LDR relationship, you need to be really cautious because your time with them is limited AND you don't know what they are really up to when they're not with you, and you need to make really sure that you understand exactly who they are and that you know what you are signing up for and can trust that when they are away from you they are also not seeing other people as well. I don't necessarily think it is bad that he has a job that takes him away a lot as long as you are happy with the 'part time' living together situation, BUT i did find it a bit of a red flag when you asked to go rock climbing with him and he told you no, he was 'catching up with friends.' That would give me pause because he may be a compartmentalizer, where he will have you tucked away in one box, and his rock climbing and buddies in another box, and potentially another woman you don't know about in a third box who either rock climbs with him as well as dating him, or just a third compartment with other women in it because he likes to have an exciting and varied life and needs the stimulation of multiple things and multiple women.
  2. >>I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him, It is perfectly OK to have 'brotherly' feelings about someone and some brothers are quite close without any romantic component to it at all. But the problem I see here is the obsessive quality you have for each other and the amount of time this is taking you away from your wife and family, and you seem to be replacing a close emotional bond with your wife with a close bond with this guy. Though you may not have romantic feelings for him, you can't be sure exactly what is going on in his head and he might be heading in that direction, especially if there is lots of jealousy involved. What you need to work on is the fact that all this batching around you are doing with him must be cutting into time and bonding with your wife and family. It's like the two of you are wanting to retreat into a world where you are kids again and brothers who do everything together. so you two are 'stuck' in an adolescent state of 'bro's before ho's' rather than acting like a couple of married men who are fully enmeshed and devoted to family life with your wife and kids. I think you should consider therapy to talk about this and how to establish healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong at all with having a close male friend but it is obsessive (as this has become) then needs to be about exploring why you are obsessed with him and getting that under control because eventually it could really damage your marriage and kids if your attention is going towards him rather than them. I suggest that if you know you are better when you don't see him a lot, then you just need to ramp back the contact. It can be as simple as telling him you need to devote more time to family life (as does he if he wife is getting disgusted by this). You're not kids anymore and have other responsibilities so focus on that and tell him that. Then start weaning off the contact with him. Perhaps seeing him only in group settings, or at set times (once a month for raquetball) where you don't text and interact between those times. Or make him a workout buddy, where you only see him when you work out, but cut out all the 'extra' games, concerts, bars, and lunches which have a more 'date-like' feel to them and take away from time with your family. So if you feel out of control, then start establishing some boundaries, and don't feel bad about telling him you need boundaries because you are having fun playing at being brothers, but you're adults and have family responsibilites and don't want your wives to feel shut out or weird about it. Meanwhile you might consider counseling. It's great that you have a friend, but the depth of this 'bromance' might need some investigation to understand why you suddenly want a return to childhood kind of situation with a a 'found' brother.
  3. btw, you need to confront him with his very addictive personality. As in, he needs to acknowledge that he cannot drink at all or use any kind of recreational drug and must stay totally clean of all substances if he wants to stay married to you. Lay it all out, that it is now or never for him to get his act together. And if he can't, then it is time to move on. Please don't bring any children into this if you can help it because you don't want them to have an addict for a father and all the disappointment and trouble that brings. He would need to show he has been clean for many years before you consider that. What if you'd had a child who discovered his meth stash rather than you, and OD'ed on it? this addiction is extremely serious, and you need to help him understand what danger he is putting himself in, and understand very clearly that you will leave if he doesn't knock it off.
  4. >>This is not the life I want to lead. That is your bottom line and don't stray from that. Whether he makes the choice to clean up or not, you KNOW you don't want to live with a meth head, so if he is going to use, then he cannot live with you. Meth really destroys lives, and very quickly. And it does permanent physical damage and brain damage when used over time. The first thing i suggest you do is do some googling, including 'effects of meth' and 'meth mouth' and print out a bunch of information on how it destroys people's body's and lives. And sit him down and confront him and how him the info and pictures. Then you tell him your bottom line. That you do not intend to be married to someone who uses meth or live with them while they do. And that he has two choices, stopping immediately and preferably going into at least a month of rehab, and if you can't afford that or don't have insurance, then he needs to immediately start attending Narc-Anon and instantly give up the drug. You also may need to have him get another job to get away from his dealers and people who do the drug. The way you have to look at things, you are trying to save his life here, and it is that serious whether he knows it or not, so extreme measures are required when you learn someone is on meth. and i understand you have sympathy for his loss with his father dying. But that and meth use are two different things, and you need NO sympathy for the meth use. There is no excuse good enough for using meth. So you need to immediately get him into some kind of a program to kick the habit. And you need to have a ZERO TOLERANCE policy and let him know it. As in, if he uses it again, he is out and you are proceeding with divorce. And you need to follow thru. If he refuses to save himself, then you need to make sure he doesn't take you down the drain with him. Meth is a horrible horrible drug, and he needs to detox and get clean, or you need to get divorced rather than watch that downward spiral and have him impact and ruin your lie from it.
  5. >> but being a house wife isn't an acceptable career choice for a woman anymore. I feel really stuck and lost in this world of career go getting women. I feel really guilty that I'm not like that as well. Actually i think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if both husband and wife agree to it and can afford it and are happy with it. But I do believe that if you are in that role, it is vulnerable from the standpoint if you have no career, you need to make sure that your husband is very well insured such that if he dies unexpectedly and before you are able to get retirement income from his pension/govt. assitance, that the insurance pays out enough money to pay off the house and carry you until you are able to find a career. And the reality is that many couples are totally besotted and in love when they marry, but more then 50% eventually divorce for any number of reasons, so it is also not the best idea to have no career to fall back on if you get left in middle age by your husband. So my concern isn't that you can't be a happy person working part time and focusing on your marriage, but that you are already expressing feelings that you're in the doldrums and are having a bit of a let down about your life after devoting yourself intensely to wedding planning and now you've lost focus because you're just in a boring part time office job and not enough to do to keep your mind engaged. If you are artistic by nature, there are lots of careers that you could follow. For example, you could study dancing (legit. dancing, not stripping) and get a teaching degree at the same time, and teach dancing to kids or older people (dancing, not stripping). Or get a degree or training that allows you to work as a personal trainer. Or express your artistic side in other ways. Study art history and work in an art gallery around other artistic types. You are actually in a wonderful position if your husband is willing to support you and allow you the time and money to re-invent your life into a career that is both fulfilling and provides more money than a boring office job. re: the 'seductive velvet underground,' i know it is obviously appealing to you know and you have had some success there which makes you feel good. However, your success in that industry is based on being youthful, and it could be demoralizing and depressing for you when you will no longer get the approval from men because you're seen as too old to appeal to the clientele (and 'old' there is 30+) when younger/newer girls come onto the scene. So if you are still young enough to do it and find it exciting and lucrative, then nothing wrong with pursuing it as long as it is a 'safe' profession for you and you don't fall into the criminal element and worsening drug use or hooking on the side as many of the girls who get into that profession do. And would your husband approve of a switch back into the profession? That would need to be a consideration of course. So my suggestion is that although you find that velvet underground seductive, it is a very limited time option, and it won't be nearly as fun when the approval stops coming, which it will because the appeal to men in stripping is heavily based on your looks and youth. You may have great talent, but nobody really wants an old stripper and many people find them pathetic and the applause could switch to cat-calls when you go onstage. So your short term goals might be earning money thru stripping, but your long term goals need to focus on getting some kind of career now that will support you in 5+ years when you have to leave stripping. Unless of course you do believe you'll be content to be a housewife and have other 'little' jobs like the one you have now. There is nothing wrong at all with that if you and your husband are happy with that, but i suspect you will get very bored and need to find some long-term goals rather than just daydreaming.
  6. >>Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway. You know, I've achieved a lot in my life, and most of my hopes/goals so far. But i don't do it by expecting the universe to just hand it to me. I am no more deserving of having something handed to me than someone else. Sometimes you get handed good things, and sometimes bad things happen, but the MOST good things will happen if you realize you make plans, set goals, and you might have to work for them. So you want a nice house and to have a lot of money. What can you do NOW to break your life into small goals that will get you there? For example, you talk about wanting to be a stripper/dancer. How about instead of that (which is a short term career and will 'expire' by the time you're 30), you instead use your spare time to go back to school and get a career that you know will pay off in 5 or 10 years and let you and your husband buy that nice house? Or return to stripping for only one year, saving every dime so that you can support yourself long enough in school to get a really well paying career that will pay you for life. There are so many ways to go to school these days where you can work and go to school, and frequently totally online so you don't even have to attend classes, but can study on your lunch hour and anytime you have a free moment, rather than sitting at home just daydreaming and waiting for your husband to come home. I think this is a wonderful time in your life (being a newlywed), but you will get bored and dissatisfied very quickly if you don't start setting reasonable goals (small goals that will lead to bigger goals like getting your house) and using your time wisely. Because the reality is that MANY people dream of things that will never happen for them if they don't set themselves on the right path to setting goals and meeting goals that will take them closer to the larger end goals. i think it makes you feel special to remember you dreamed of a Prince Charming and got one, and you think that must be some evidence that all your other wishes will come true, but honestly, 95% of the population meets their Prince/Princess Charming and marries them, so it doesn't reflect any special power that you have to attract a husband in a special way. Only 5% of the population doesn't eventually marry, and most of them because they don't want to. Success is about 'doing' special and not just 'feeling' special. How about you spend some time working on a budget, determining how much money you'll need to buy that house, looking a careers and schools that will be able to pay you well for a lifetime rather than just for a few more years as a stripper. That will be a more sure road to success than just assuming you'll be rich because you dream about it and want to be.
  7. Oh, it's always so hard on the trees when the first snowfall hits while the leaves are all still on the trees... they just can't handle the weight of the snow piling up on the leaves without breaking. Ugh, i think they are predicting a bad winter here in the U.S. as well. Last year was horrendous... I feel like all i did was shovel, shovel, shovel!
  8. >>I had one bad day...and I'm never going to hear the end of it on here. Ah, never post something and ask what people think about it or they will tell you! Just keep in mind that there was no attempt to judge, just to help you. We all lose perspective sometimes.
  9. Ah, kittens and puppies... instant happiness. i caught up on this thread a bit... re: your letter (a couple weeks ago), those are the kind of things you want to discuss with your therapist and not a BF, especially not when only dating for 6 months. If you have insecurities, bad experiences from your past etc. that need to be worked out emotionally, those are best handled by a counselor rather than expecting a BF to 'shrink' you and jolly you out of your insecurities and issues. You're trying to dump a heavy load on him there, that unless he's a professional he may feel overwhelmed and confused (and possibily scared) as to what you expect from him in terms of nurturing your emotional state and issues. When dating, you need to really just try to relax and really get to know a person for quite a while before deciding if they're a keeper. And 6 months is not long enough to do that. If he's waffling after a couple of years, that would warrant a talk about goals and whether you are both interested in taking things permanent with a potential engagement/marriage, but definitely not at 6 months. And the tone of your letter was really casting him in a 'savior' role for yourself and your life, and a 'Daddy' role with your daughter and how you want a man just like him, i.e., it was very 'broody' and sounding like you are expecting a commitment from him and soon as a father figure for your child, which you shouldn't be at 6 months. So i agree with everyone else. Just have fun at this point, keep it light and don't dump all your heavy issues in his lap. If you want to send him anything, send him cookies and funny/happy letters and drawings from your child and talk about fun things you might want to do together when he is back in town.. that will make him feel happy and connected and to want to continue to see more of you. If you feel that kind of need to spill and/or deal with insecurities or neediness, it would argue you might consider getting counseling and bringing those emotions there so they don't interfere with what sounds like a nice budding relationship, but too early to lock him down or expect too much from him or it might overwhelm him. And you should never look to your partner to be your shrink. If you have heavy issues from your past or feel the need to keep bringing the past up, time to go to a therapist for a while and let them deal with those issues. also, re: PMSing, i always tell young women though you may know you are feeling that way, it doesn't give you an excuse to emote all over your BF, tears, tantrums, etc. As an adult, you need to learn to modulate those emotions and not use your partner as a dumping ground for them. Read up on ways to reduce PMS symptoms (there are many), and if you are feeling hormonal, and something he does sets you off, be very aware that you are PMSing, and tell youself, 'nope, not gonna indulge that impulse to vomit my emotions all over him because I'm cranky/moody/teary/bloaty.' And if you feel REALLY horrible, just be honest and tell him you feel really horrible and today is not a good day to do x, y, or z because you're feeling cranky and not feeling well and need a little alone time. When i was young, i noticed that i'd always want to fight with my BF on one day a month, and one day only, when everything he did made me mad, though he was doing nothing wrong and nothing different than he did any other day... and i realized the pattern, that it was me being hormonal and he was doing absolutely nothing wrong at all and it was me needing to get a grip and bite my tongue and not engage or dump on him if i was feeling that way. the good news is that that gets better as you age, and when you learn methods to mitigate PMS systems and not indulge your inner witch when you feel hormonal. It is not right to use it is an excuse or just say 'oh, women are like that and you have to deal with it when i feel that way.' that is like a man saying it is OK to slap a woman around when she makes him angry because men are more physical and they are like that. That's an excuse for bad behavior, not a valid reason. So work on that and your relationships will go better and you won't get into those negative situations (or give in to the impulse to send a letter that might damage your relationship because you are feeling overly moody/insecure/cranky that day). I learned to control those PMS-y impulses, and everyone can.
  10. >>The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'. It's not too late to get a good education and career and you're an adult, so why not accept that offer from your uncle? Doesn't matter what your father says.
  11. Crocodile tears!!! Baby wants ALL his favorite toys around him and cries when he has to leave one behind because he can't have them all at once. Don't fall for it! Cut him out of your life and move forward. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens more often than people realize. Some people have no character and are selfish enough to just take what they want with no reference to how their choices and actions will affect other people. He has no moral center. It's all about what feels good for him at the moment, and that will change from moment to moment.
  12. Oh, I'm really sorry... something similar happened to me as i posted above. Really, RUN don't walk away from this guy... he has shown you that he is a betrayer and capable of living a double life and lying and cheating. You can't believe a single thing that he says, and he may do this to you again and again and most likely will NOT divorce her at all, though he may lie and say he divorced her. Men with 'bigamist' leanings like this are extremely narcissistic and frequently sociopaths, so you need to get totally away from him. He probably married her because she had money or assets or else he got her pregnant and married her to pacify her. He is also giving you clues.. by saying things like 'she will never come here' and 'you shouldn't have unpacked and found it' he is just letting you know how his mind works. He's not SORRY he did this and doesn't see how wrong this all is, instead he just sees it as a 'compartmentalization' issue where he has to keep you in one location and her in another and hence in that circumstance can have his cake and eat it too! You can't un-know what you know, and what you know about this guy is devastating and scary! He's at best a narcissist and at worst a sociopath, so you need to save yourself and get away from him.
  13. Honey, she married someone else. End of story, end of game. You need to not be thinking about your ex at all. Doesn't matter if she gives birth to a baby with 3 heads or their house burns down or she wins the lottery or anything else. Her life, issues, problems, triumphs, failures etc. are none of your concern and none of your business. She is a married woman now, and married to someone else, so it is time to totally cut contact with her and any sources of information about her. If anyone else tries to start talking to you about her, you just cut them off. You can be polite and say you'd prefer not to discuss it because it is old news and water over the dam and you wish her well, but she is someone else's wife now and not your concern. Then work on letting go. And find an available girl for yourself. Also, never underestimate how much people like to gossip, especially if it is 'juicy' or scandalous information like teen pregnancies, misfortunes etc. So don't read anything at all into these women talking to you about your ex. They're just having a good gossip, and probably thinking you might enjoy hearing about her troubles since she tossed you over in the mode of sweet revenge/what goes around comes around.
  14. btw, start investigating those resources now... you want to be prepared for any outcome in the divorce, not just expect your preferred outcome to happen. If you've done your research on what it will take to get you a job in the quickest way possible, and to find resources to care for your children after school while you work, you will be ready for both the best and worst case scenarios in the divorce.
  15. >>Remember this is not just about me, my beautiful boys will most likely be with me well into adulthood and possibly longer. And this, I do understand and feel for you, but there are lots of alternatives these days that offer resources to help care for special needs children (and adults) that don't involve your husband continuing to support you while you don't work because you prefer to stay home with the boys rather than taking advantage of the alternatives. I know you want to be a stay at home Mom with them, but that most likely will be something the judge will not allow for another 10+ years if there are other govt./school resources available to help you work and take care of your sons for the couple hours between when you leave work and when you arrive home.
  16. I know you have a list of things you want, but I think what will be most helpful to you is recognizing what is realistic from a legal perspective. The reality is that most people's lives post-divorce are not the same as they were pre-divorce. By that I mean, your life doesn't get to stay the same just because you want it to or feel it would be most advantageous to stay the same. So you will have to look at things the way the judge will look at things and be willing/able to accept compromise with your husband. Most people do not continue to live in the marital home forever after a divorce unless the couple has significant financial resources already and one can afford to buy the other one out. So as much as you'd like to keep the house, if you are not wanting to get a job where you can re-finance the house and afford it, you most likely will be ordered to sell the house and to move into something you can afford based on being divorced vs. being married. So that might involve moving into a smaller house or apt., and renting for a while rather than owning. Now if you can afford to keep the house with the payments refinanced, then that is what you should do, even if it means getting a job to do so. It is very rare that a judge will force the husband to stay on the note forever (or a decade) just because you don't want to leave that house or don't want to work and want to continue being a stay at home Mom with your husband paying for that. They will usually give you a couple years where he will have to pay, but not usually longer than that, and you will be ordered to sell if you don't agree to get a job and refinance the house. And it is usual to have temporary alimony for a couple years so that you can go to school to get a career to support yourself, rather than alimony for life or for another 10 years. The way the court would look at it is that as an adult, you should support yourself, and if your children have special needs the judge may well issue additional child support to your husband to help pay for that, but he will expect you to earn your portion as well and take advantage of any govt./insurance programs offered to help with your children if they have special needs, such as after school care to take care of the children until get home from work. re: the debt, if he can prove the money was spent on the family and not just 'personal' toys, you may be ordered to pay half of it regardless of whose name is on the credit card. And I am going to be very honest hear and tell you why I think your lawyer won't go any further with you without you paying his bill. You've pretty much outlined a 'plan' that you want that basically shows your expectation is that you don't want your life to change at all financially with him leaving, i.e., he continues to pay just as much as he did when you were married, and you hang onto the house and all your possessions while selling his (motorcycle etc.), and you don't want to work and have already made statements you don't intend to get a job for at least 10 more years. That is unrealistic from a legal perspective because you don't divorce and end up with exactly what you had before the divorce, and hence you will have no way to pay your lawyers if you are not working and your husband isn't forced to pay your legal fees. I have seen many people divorce and fight over assets, and what usually happens if the couple can't agree is that the judge just splits the assets down the middle, orders whatever is the state's mandatory child support guidelines, orders the house sold or for one or the other to buy the other out/refinance if they are able, and offers a couple to few years of what is called rehabilitative alimony for the wife if she was not working. So I think you need to shift your thinking from trying to maintain your life exactly as it was prior to the divorce, to what is the LIKELY outcome based on the legal guidelines for divorce in your jurisdiction. You can do online research on divorce in your state/area, and it might be a good question to ask your lawyer what he thinks you will be awarded (regardless of what you want to ask for). Then make your plans based on that. Also, doing things like not showing up for mediation when it is scheduled only annoys the judge. It makes you look uncooperative, and like you are dragging your feet and not trying to resolve this. EVERYONE who gets left in a divorce wants their lives to stay the same and feels they deserve a bigger piece of the pie in the divorce and that they 'deserve' to not have their finances change for the worse in any way, but that is just not how divorce works. You are splitting everything in half, so by default you can only expect to have half of what you did before, as in half as nice a house, half as much monthly income, the requirement to work and support yourself since you're no longer married etc. So you need to make every effort to move this forward as efficiently and quickly as you can and show that you are cooperating in the divorce rather than trying to hold onto everything as if you were still married, because it just doesn't work that way. You can get a temporary period of time where your lifestyle gets maintained exactly as it was before, but after that, the expectation is that you will work and support yourself and will live within your means of what you can afford while you are working combined with the child support you will receive. So that involves getting a job, investigating resources to get your children into a program after school until you can get home from work, and finding a place to live that you can afford (or re-financing the house in your name and getting your husband off that note).
  17. There may be a public face to grief that is handled in funerals and memorials etc., but grief itself is such a private and personal journey and everyone handles it differently. It can be such an intense blow that the grieving person literally has nothing left to give anyone else because they are so consumed with the pain of their grief. And it is very common for people to either cling to others and obsess about the loss and want to go over and over it wtih those around them, or the reverse, to take the 'wounded animal' approach where they just turn inward and want to go off and lick their wounds alone until they feel better. So you need to try to be sensitive to what she feels like she needs here. Offer to be there for her, but don't push or demand that she be there for you while he is going thru grief. Grief takes its own time, and he will eventually come out of it, but your chances are better if you try to not demand she be/act any different than she what she feels she can handle right now.
  18. Well, when you stay in relationships like this, it is like death by a thousand cuts. You just take it and take it and cry and hope and dream but then the next cut always comes. Why do you stay? Because you haven't had 'enough' yet. Or you are still stuck in fantasy and dreaming that he'll mutate into someone he is not, and hanging fiercely onto the dream. One day those cuts will be enough to make you feel totally dead and empty inside and a switch will flip and you will go. It may be when he knocks someone else up, or does something or does the same horrible thing for the 250th time and you just get sick of it. But make no mistake that what is holding you there is FANTASY if you see what he is and what he is doing and still hang on. The problem with staying with someone like this is he kills your soul a little at a time, until perhaps you can barely crawl away. And you have no self esteem, no self respect, no hope left. Please go to a counselor to talk about this. He can siphon away your mental health a day at a time until you snap. So you need to try to get strong and see the reality of the situation before he cuts you to pieces and drains you dry emotionally until your perspective on life is bleak and feels hopeless. The world is full of decent people who who never do what he does, but if you stay with him, you will lose perspective and start to believe all men are like this or that you deserve it. So there is far more damage he can do you than just cheating if you stick around and let him do this to you. Going to a couselor is the answer if you can't figure out how to get out of this and save yourself and your children's mental health.
  19. I think some very successful career driven men want that 'wife at home' thing where she handles all their homelife and domestic issues and doesn't challenge him or demand more from him in terms of participation with her and the family's homelife than that he drop a paycheck and show up for major holiday celebrations like Christmas. A highly educated woman will want more from the relationship and will probably resent that he does the 'i'm a superstar and your job is to bask in my glow' thing... there are many men who want an equal and/or are not threatened by a woman who 'challenges' them with her intelligence, but lots of them don't like it either (just like some women only want a man who makes enough to let her be a stay at home Mom). I do believe that if people are really mis-matched in terms of intelligence/IQ, it can lead to problems, but having similar IQs/educations doesn't guarantee happiness either if the man wants a partner who locks into traditional gender-based roles and is 'less than' him.
  20. >>"Strong-willed"? That is the most subjective and situation dependent assessment ever, and usually a more socially acceptable way of calling someone selfish. Strong-willed is just that and what i meant.. she has an opinion and even though a reasonable person would understand what a bad idea her 'career' choice to work in the flesh trade is, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, she wants to do it so she does. Pure definition of strong-willed. So i'm not sure why you are offended by that word or post... she very clearly is ignoring input from other people and going on her merry way, which is usually an end in destruction and drug abuse and a higher probability of AIDS in that industry. And selfish is as selfish does... she wants/expects money from her mother even though she's an adult, and then laughs at her and blows her off. Another textbook definition of both strong-willed and selfish. Anyway, I'm glad the OP is getting some counseling to deal with this because it is indeed extremely traumatic to have a child go into the flesh industry in any facet of that because all mothers want their children to be safe and out of harm's way, and that is an incredibly destructive profession in so many ways, destroys people's lives, health, families, etc.
  21. >>Again, I don't think it is always caused by abuse but by a parent not being flexible or wise enough to see what their particular child needs. Actually people have their own personalities that they are born with. And research has shown that once people get past the age of 11-12, it doesn't matter much what the parents do, children and young adults are more influenced by their peers and the social groups they get themselves into (i.e., who they meet, hang out with, fall in love with, etc.). The parents of serial killers can be perfectly normal, loving parents, and give birth to a sociopath due to genetics. And the sociopath has wide access to the internet and other influences these days from an early age, to identify with the wrong crowd of people. So the parents may be normal, fine, and loving, and the person will still be a sociopath, and dangerous if they discover the wonders of the twisted influences/people they encounter along the way. So this young girl sounds like she has always been strong willed and self centered, which indulgent grandparents didn't help, and she probably fell in with the wrong crowd and learned she could make a lot of money doing this and is excited by the attention she gets from this. So i don't think it is fair to say it is the mother's 'fault' that this woman is making wrong choices.
  22. Oh, i'm really sorry.. how painful a discovery... There is a another thread on this board right now, that i'd like you to read that is written by a young girl your daughter's age who is thinking about giving up a professional job to go back to being a lapdancer. This will give you perspective on where your own daughter's head is right now: What you'll notice about this is some common themes in girls who get into this: They want to make a lot of money for little effort. Rather than doing things the 'hard' way, they want it easy and instantly. So they don't want to suffer thru part-time jobs, years spend getting an education, working a full 8 hour day etc. They want lots of money and quick and fast and easy. They are frivolous and inconstant in their thinking. Today they want to be taken seriously as a professional, but tomorrow they want to party, party, party. So they may consider other work, but not for long, because it interferes with their FUN and is hard and tedious whereas the sex trade of any kind (porn/strippers/lap dancers) is about a party atmosphere and brings them a lot more instant cash than an entry level young person's 'normal' job would bring them. They enjoy power and control over men, and use their sexuality to do it. It makes them feel POWERFUL and VALUED to have some man lusting over them. They LIKE feeling like this man is their puppet and all the attention that they get from it. And on the flip side, they may fall under the spell of an older man who ENCOURAGES this kind of behavior/profession, either to get money or because he gets off on watching women be degraded by random strangers pawing on them and treating them like meat. So that BF will encourage her to do these kinds of things because he gets off on it and probably has LOTS of issues with women and is using this young girl to play them out. Young girls can be notoriously naive and think their older pimps/BFs really love them, when the man is most likely more interested in feeling powerful/sexual from degrading women and/or watching them be degraded. He'll tell her it is liberated and free and etc. trying to convince her it is someone a great thing when she really dancing around or laying around on floors and beds sticky and covered in some random man's ejaculation. So the men are manipulating them to get them to ignore the reality of their own situation. They can be quite arrogant/rebellious and silly girls. And by that i mean, they don't think things thru, and they can be headstrong and just want to chase whatever fun sensation crops up and offers it to them and they don't want anyone else to try to stop them or to listen to reason or logic. They also may be of less than normal intelligence to think this is a good choice for themselves and their lives, or immature or with other learning disabilities or psychiatric conditions (ADD, bi-polar, etc.) hindering normal thought processes. And most sadly, many of them are drug addicted and fall into these professions because it offers quick money and doesn't require them to be sober/straight to do the job. And equally sadly, many of them are girls who were sexually abused as children or teenagers, and they are acting out and repeating their trauma and really need psychiatric help to overcome this and stop degrading themselves in repeating these sexual scenarios. So the summary there is that they are usually immature, self centered, not willing to postpone short term gratification to learn a career that will pay them as well, like the money, like the attention and feeling in control, under the spell of older greedy or kinky men, not very educated or desiring of being educated etc. So what do you do about this? Sadly, if she is in the first flush of cash and people stroking her and convincing her it is a good profession, or feeding her drugs or flattery, she will absolutely not listen to anything at all that you say. Most girls will only leave it when they see the negative side and the sordidness of it, and that takes time and disappointment to soften them up, or finding their BF who is pimping them is seeing other girls or dumping her etc. So i think you should talk to her and tell her that anytime she wants to stop this, you will help her. And helping her will not be about sending her cash whenever she asks for it, but about bringing her home again and working a normal job or enrolled in school and taking it seriously. But as long as she is willing to do this and is in the early infatuation stage at all the cash and attention this is generating, she is on her own and you won't be involved with her. When she's in the first flush of making good money and getting a lot of attention or pleasing an older BF, she'll just think you are un-cool or old-fashioned or judgmental. These young girls don't get that they haven't invented anything new and free and progressive, because prostitution and the sex-trade are the oldest professions, and they have destroyed so many lives (and WILL destroy many more, including their own) though they just now in the first flush of cash and attention and don't know it yet. So you're there is she wants to change, but if she's not changing, you're not going to enable her by giving her cash or letting her run all over you. The one case where you might be able to do something is if you know your daugther has mental illness (bi-polar etc.) and can document it and have her placed in a conservatorship and put into in-patient therapy to get her to take medication to straighten her out. But if you can't document that, you just have to apply tough love and be willing to help her if she is willing to cooperate with you and leave that business, but if she isn't, you just have to let her go because you can't force her out of it when she's on a new high over the money and the attention it brings, or attached to a BF who encourages this in her and she is naive enough to think that he loves her rather than using her for money or to satisfy his kink.
  23. >>but unfortunately he is always reprimanding the cat for doing far less. yes, but this is the same as parents who love their own children and spoil them, but get angry when someone else's kids do the exact same thing! so love is blind! if the dog is really old, i would just pick one or two of the things that absolutely drive you crazy, and ask if he can refrain from the one or two things, but ignore the rest. the dog will probably not be around too much longer. If you get a new puppy together, then you can both raise the dog with better manners.
  24. >>my boyfriend says Fido is like his child. Therein lies the problem. He is perfectly happy with Fido and his behavior. Your BF actually treats this dog the way many people treat their dogs and the dog is not doing anything that 50 million other dogs don't do in people's homes. So this issue here isn't 'bad dog', it is that he views pets in a very different framework than you do. You would not banish and restrict a child the way you want to do with this dog, and he sees it as a child and hence worthy of 'riding up front', being in his lap, being in the kitchen, being spoiled with treats etc. And you have a larger problem... you BF is extremely lenient with his 'child', and if you ever have human children of your own, you will be in a constant and neverending battle with him for how to treat and how to raise the children. If he spoils a dog like this, he will spoil his own children 10 times more! So i would not get serious with him if you want children because your home will be a miserable war zone and power struggle if you do... you're already doing it over the dog, and it will be worse with kids. My one suggestion is to ask him if you, he and the dog can attend an obediance class together or work to get a 'companion dog' certification. If he will agree to that, you might be able to work it out. If not, oh well, don't even bother getting serious with him if you want to have children or it will most likely end in a bitter divorce and custody fight for the kids.
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