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I'm marrying a cheater :(

Cilantro

By Cilantro
in Infidelity

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HeartGoesOn Grand Master

HeartGoesOn

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PLEASE give yourself more than two weeks to decide whether or not you still want to marry him. You will not be clear of mind over such a major incident in that amount of time.

 

I agree with this.

 

You can't possibly begin to rebuild trust in a matter of two weeks, and with that said, keep in mind that trust is the glue that holds a marriage together.

 

I can't begin to imagine how devastating this is, and I'm wishing you all the best.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

Posted
Posted
I wish I didn't have to face judgment from anyone as a result of any decision I make at all.

 

judgement is something you will have to let roll off your back. people judge all the time - people judge you on what you are wearing, how much you weigh, what job you do, etc..... but YOU are the one who has to live with yourself and YOU are the one who decides whom to marry. Honestly, whether you marry him or not doesn't affect anyone other than you or him. It doesn't affect us posters on ENA and it doesn't affect your family or friends. It's about you and him and making a serious life decision.

 

i think you will actually find most people supportive of you.

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truegrit Newbie

truegrit

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Considering that it has been established that at the very least this guy has a pretty high sex drive...........do you think it is possible that waaaaaaay deep down he knows that one woman is not going to be enough for him for the rest of his life (as the vows say). He may not want to admit it to himself and will probably never admit it to you, but way down inside he knows he won't be able to keep the rules of this up coming contract. I think secretly he would like his freedom but is trying to go along with the norm and be the good guy/husband and start a family which will please relatives and society, and make him appear to be this upstanding person that he has so far portrayed at least to most everyone but you.

Just a thought......

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SayWhen Enthusiast

SayWhen

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Posted

Let him break the news to your guests as to why the wedding is off. That is NOT your responsibility since, as you said, you really had no choice in the matter...he is the one who made the decision to be unfaithful. You need to be away from him and away from thoughts of marriage. You deserve it.

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Lonewing Enthusiast

Lonewing

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Posted

What you do is up to you, and ultimately none of us know the entirity of what transpires between you and him. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I do believe it will be you and him who make those decisions. This I do know: there are no certainties in life.

 

How you and him come to terms with this is entirely up to you. You might actually want to talk to your sister and her husband about this; they might be terrific counsel.

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Staple Enthusiast

Staple

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Posted

Honestly you would be INSANE to marry him. INSANE. You will ruin your life, I'm telling you now, take it from people who have been cheated on. Cheaters are BAD people. They don't love you, and they do things like this and keep you on the side for emotional support. Even if you're his wife, he'll do it. If he does it now, he'll do it then. Break it off now.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

Posted
Posted
I hope this works out for you...I would only ask you to not let the cost and planning of the wedding affect your decision. True story, I once knew a couple who were mere weeks away from a $20,000 wedding that her parents were paying for, when she found out he'd been seeing an ex-girlfriend behind her back. He apologized and seemed remorseful, so against the advice of all her friends, she went through with the wedding.

 

I agree. My friend's brother found out that his fiance was cheating on him, but she promised to change. Well, they had their $50,000 grand wedding and they were divorced 6 months later. She never changed. ulk.

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Moontiger Community Regular

Moontiger

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My brother got married after dating a girl for ten years. Less then 6 months into the marriage he found out she was cheating on him with his married boss. I found out later that there had been major red flags throughout their relationship but after such a long period of time my brother simple does not know how to be without her. You need a good weeks, maybe even months to get your mind wrapped around everything and to be able to make a rational decision.

 

It honestly sounds to me that the only reason you are going to go ahead with the wedding is because you don't know what else to do. Is that really a reason to get married? Is that a solid foundation?

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted

Cilantro,

 

I have read through the last few pages and am glad that you talked to your officiant. I do think it is very wise to recognize that you have feelings of always being second. I encourage you to seek counseling - for yourself - not just relationship counseling. Get inside your own head and work through these deep feelings. Do not marry until you have worked through these things sufficiently - either to this man you have but later, or someone else down the road. Don't be second in your life. I do not imply that your mother or your fiance doesn't/didn't love you, but I agree - that "one little thing" that people let you down on - to not pick up the bottle because a child is right there (there are a lot of parents who drink but won't get drunk in front of a child) or to not sext or give your number to a stripper because you are in a relationship.

 

Postponing says that you are a strong woman, and won't allow yourself to be second ever again. Sometimes you have to leave a relationship for awhile to get strong. Sometimes you don't, but if you marry NOW under these pretenses, he realizes that he "has" you - your relationship doesn't depend on him behaving himself. You won't walk away since you are his wife, or that will be his perception and he might get "comfortable" again. If you take a stand now, you can alleviate heartbreak when the honeymoon period is over.

 

Cheating, exchanging suggestive fantasies with other women )which is cheating), is something that is considered a big "deal breaker" for most women. Don't let the allure of seeing yourself in a pretty dress let you forget that. He may realize his mistakes, but you are not being true to yourself if you go through with this right now.

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Oneironaut Explorer

Oneironaut

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The most important thing for you is to dump your fiance ASAP. You're still young and you can meet someone else. Don't be stuck with a loser, then get divorced when you're 40 and that's when you'll REALLY be screwed.

 

Heh...well, as much as I don't think she should go through with the wedding, I have to take exception to this comment, lol...as if 40-somethings and up are too old to find true love.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Posted
Heh...well, as much as I don't think she should go through with the wedding, I have to take exception to this comment, lol...as if 40-somethings and up are too old to find true love.

 

Nah, anyone can find love at any age. I still think it would be very difficult to get married to this jerk and then leave when you're 40ish because a) You're probably stuck with a big mortgage and/or kids that would make it difficult to leave and b) if you've been unhappy all that time and waited til you were 40 to leave, then you're probably extremely resentful and bitter with things, perhaps mad at yourself too. Which is FAR, FAR worse than any money issue or looking a tad older.

 

People at any age can find love. My boyfriend was 56 when he met me.

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dramallama Enthusiast

dramallama

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Posted

That's a shame because basically everyone here is saying to cancel, or at least postpone the wedding for a significant amount of time. I suppose the "shame" of cancelling the wedding outweighs the fact that she should be getting married to this person at all. I don't know how the OP could truly look into her partner's eyes on her wedding day, say those vows, and be truly happy. Oh well. The consequence of this will catch up with her sooner or later. I don't think her husband considers her The One.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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Posted
That's a shame because basically everyone here is saying to cancel, or at least postpone the wedding for a significant amount of time. I suppose the "shame" of cancelling the wedding outweighs the fact that she should be getting married to this person at all. I don't know how the OP could truly look into her partner's eyes on her wedding day, say those vows, and be truly happy. Oh well. The consequence of this will catch up with her sooner or later. I don't think her husband considers her The One.

 

Like I said before, my ex contemplated just standing me up on our wedding day but he was thinking of how he would hurt my grandparents or because a few people traveled. It soured things for me when I found that out after. I wish my ex would have just broken my heart instead of having a marriage where I knew I wasn't the "one", and breaking my heart bigger a few years later in the way he left. And btw, I found a picture of him and another woman in his wallet during our marriage, too. i wasn't snooping. I had to go into his wallet for a good reason and was asked/permitted to do it.

 

I really hope we are wrong and Cilantro has just had a few computer free days but maybe I am just wishing that she would just wait to marry him.

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