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dramallama last won the day on May 20 2011

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  1. Only contact them when you want nothing more than friendship. If you wouldn't mind if they had a new partner if you did contact them, then go right ahead. Friendships are a dime a dozen. Since that is so, why not find new friends - without any baggage? Unless deep down you want to reconcile? It's not even about giving the APPEARANCE of not expecting a relationship, but truly not expecting one in the first place. The thing is, when most dumpees truly get to that point, they feel no need to post about their ex on message boards or whether they should contact their ex for "friendship" because they have moved on and are spending time with true friends, and dating.
  2. There are some people that break up as soon as attraction and the honeymoon stage wears off, but if your ex is one of those people, what can you do? You really wouldn't know whether it just got "too hard" for them, or whether they have an unrealistic idea of love, or whether they truly didn't feel that you were The One. But still, at the end of the day, they've still done what they have felt was right for their own life, so all you can do is react from that and move on. And whether or not you judge whether the reason was good enough for them to leave is irrelevant because it has already been done and it just is.
  3. And what if you've been dating someone for six months but you know that the attraction has worn off and that you two simply aren't compatible? It sounds like a good reason to break up, if you ask me.
  4. A perfect example of if someone asks for space - if you love and respect both your ex AND yourself - you need to give them all the space in the world. Even if you ex invites YOU to contact them, ignore it. Because once your ex has had space to think, AND if they have decided they want to be with you, THEY will contact you if that is what they want.
  5. I can't really comment on whether it's a good or bad thing that there is such an increase in divorce. Perhaps it isn't a good OR bad thing... it just IS. One could also argue that perhaps many people got married even though they were incompatible, but now because divorce is very, very common, they feel less like they have to stick it out forever in a relationship that is unfulfilling. And as a child of separated parents, IMO, it's a much better option for children to have two sepearate, co-operative happy parents, than those that do not want to be together. But I suppose that is an argument for another day. Whether or not you or I think it is right that someone has left a relationship instead of working on it, is irrelevant though. All you can do is accept that it HAS happened - and if they other person doesn't want to work on things, you can't control them, even if you disagree with the relationship. And, like I said, if a dumper has left the relationship instead of trying to work things out, then what can you do? They know themselves best, and if they think it's the best option then they have done what is right for them. And see it like this - if your aim of dating someone is to marry and be in it for the long haul, then your ex has done you a favour by NOT marrying you, if they don't see themselves having a long future with you, and if they feel that it's not worth working out.
  6. But what makes you think that it was a mistake? What if a dumper fell out of love, genuinely, because they know their own feelings best, and they knew inside their heart that they couldn't go on anymore with the relationship - mostly because it's wasting their own time to find someone they truly could settle down with (the purpose of dating)? That could summarise most break-ups, apart from cheating and abuse. It sounds like a pretty good reason to dump someone, IMO, and not a mistake to me. The REAL mistake would be if they continued a relationship with you when they felt their heart wasn't in it. I understand what you are saying about not just giving up on a relationship, but if a dumper has thought things through (as they do), and decided that they don't want to consider that option, then if they want to up and leave, who are you to try and stop them? You can't make someone stay if they don't want to, and it's probably better that they do leave if they aren't in it for the long haul. Better for you to find out sooner rather than later. I'm not saying that you or I or even the dumpee has to necessarily agree with their decision, however, we are not in the dumper's shoes so we can't say what is best for them - only they can. And if they say they are done, then respect their opinion and stay away. I disagree that it's always a mistake for people to be dumped. It's only a mistake if the dumper turns around and says it was a mistake (ie they regret doing it and want to be together). But if they don't, then it's not. And perhaps even if the dumper didn't make a mistake, perhaps you could think, as the dumpee, that it wasn't a mistake either - because they have done YOU a favour by letting you go if they don't want to put effort into the relationship anymore, for whatever reason that they see fit, whether you feel it's justified or not. I know that you want to make dumpees feel better, but I think that it can be done in a way that also respects the dumpers decision-making process for their own lives, but also lets the dumpees know that everything happens for a reason and that they are still great people, even if the dumper didn't think they were great enough to have a relationship anymore - because it's just one person's opinion, after all. I think the focus should be more on that by dumping you, the dumper has opened up doors of opportunity for someone else to come along that does want to be with you.
  7. Why should the dumper even think "oh, well I dumped the love of my life and caused them immense confusion and pain - but THEY aren't calling ME, so I guess I shouldn't take the risk to see whether they want me back." Please.
  8. A more apt metaphor would be that someone has ALREADY employed you and they KNOW what it like to have you around and have you employed for them. But your boss has chosen to fire you. So that example of sending out resumes doesn't really work because when you are sending out resumes, the company has never heard of you before, but in the case being dumped, your ex HAS "employed" you and are no longer required of your services. I'm sure, like an employer, though, that if they feel that you were an asset to the company (the dumper) and you did leave with dignity without making a fool of yourself (much like if you were fired, you should act the same way), then your past employer/dumper has your details and are more than capable of giving you a call to see whether you're still looking for a job/single. Actually, it was your ex (the dumper) that has given up on YOU. So if anything, the onus is on THEIR shoulders to contact you should they want to try again and if they regret their decision of giving up. If you've been dumped, there is nothing for you to give up on because you weren't the one that gave up in the first place. However, perhaps to your ex, it wasn't giving up at all. It should probably be safely assumed that they were dumping you to give themselves a better opportunity for their own life, and not giving up at all - perhaps to figure out what they want, or to find someone more compatible, or someone that they can picture themselves marrying one day. So to contact the dumper to basically tell them that the opportunity is there for them is just sad (because you haven't taken the hint), but also insulting to the dumper because it is YOU that is assuming that they have made a mistake, when they have thought things through and probably have not made a mistake in their eyes (otherwise they'd swallow their pride and contact you, right? You are worth a simple text, aren't you?)
  9. If you want to read my story, you are more than welcome to read my past threads. It's all there. I am not hiding anything. Perhaps, you should stop reading the threads that are asking for advice, and then you won't read the advice that I give? It's pretty simple. I'm here to give advice and help people since they ASK for it. Every thread isn't there to be posted on? It's could a forum, honey. I'm welcome to post as much as I like. Anyone can get back together, but I don't really see it as successful if they break up a couple of months later.
  10. Well, as long as you don't feel that seeing her gives you false hope and stops you from moving on, then it's up to you whether you spend time with her as a group. But for a lot of dumpees it does hold them back or they look for excuses as to why they absolutely have to stay in touch, when really, it's just an excuse not to let go.
  11. So are you saying that your friends wouldn't be willing to hang out with you one on one? They would choose your ex over you?
  12. Well, given the fact that this thread is not swarming with accounts of people who have successfully reconciled with an ex in the past by contacting them first, I think that should be your answer about how "successful" that approach is. Most people who post in the "Getting Back Together" forum should actually be posting in the "Healing From Break-up and Divorce" section. Unless you and your ex are on the road to reconciliation and both of you have decided to work on things, then most of the time those threads are posted by dumpees in denial who don't want to move on, and want to stay in limbo, or try to manipulate their exes into coming back - and pretty much all dumpees that want to be in contact with their exes want to do so with the intention of being with them - which is a pretty disrespectful thing to do because you are not respecting your ex's decision-making process. Can you point out which threads I dominate or take over? Most of my responses are to people who are ASKING for help. And they end up being pretty grateful, most of the time, for the help that I give them. And has it ever occurred to you, kaboom, that the reason why I repeat myself so much is because we have so many NEW members posting here who haven't ever heard about NC - the best way to either heal or get an ex back? They have not heard of NC or what it means, so it's my job to let them know. It is a NEW concept to them. And perhaps if you don't want to read about NC over and over, you shouldn't read my posts to those NEW members. And once again, there is nothing more positive than walking away with dignity and self respect from someone that has chosen not to be with you. So that you can heal so that you are free to be with someone that WILL take action to be with you and let you know about it. And whether that happens to be an ex or someone new, there is nothing more positive and freeing than doing so. It's called facing the truth and moving forward, instead of living in denial.
  13. Only if they choose to have their ex in their lives.
  14. Is it really worth the pain, though? Also, one could argue that if you had to contact your ex first, they truly didn't want to reconcile. And anyone can reconcile for a month or two, only for the same issues to arise. A successful reconciliation (that lasts over a year, or leads to marriage) is pretty rare.
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