I'm marrying a cheater :(

[Miss Firecracker]

I know if you have canceled the wedding, you are going through a rough time. But nothing as rough as a lifetime of suspicion.

[petite]

I’m still on vacation but after browsing through my cell I have to contribute because I don’t know if I’ll be able to get on the forum later. Sorry if there are any mistakes, Blackberry has a crappy browser.

 

One thing that people shouldn’t tell you is not to marry him because there is nothing worse than people convincing someone to not go ahead with a wedding - simply because it’s human nature to blame those people later and say “ they told me not to do it and influenced my decision”. * It’s entirely up to you whether you go ahead with marrying him (I personally got the feeling the wedding is still on early on in the first few pages) or not but the time before your wedding should be the happiest and you’ve just found out he cheated.What I don’t know is how did you find the e-mails from his ex unless you weren’t snooping? I realize you mentioned you were looking for something wedding related but people often would have to browse through pages to get back from March to January - and I speak as an ex-snooper. I only mention this because it will only get worse after you do find some evidence you will continue to snoop and it will just get worse, even if you end up getting married to him you’re going to want to snoop because there will be a lack of trust and trust is so hard to get back once it’s broken.What really rubs me the wrong way is him blaming his friends and saying they told him to give the work cell # to a stripped. I find this hard to believe because he should know that would not be okay and should have enough self control to not give his number but also tell his friends that is extremely disrespectful towards his fiane

 

 

This is one of the rare threads from the forum I have shared with my boyfriend we were driving for a few hours and had time to spare so I kept reading your posts on the thread because he once broke off an engagement. His advice was that the guy is still being dishonest, and he will not come clean about things you have no proof for. * My boyfriend backed out from going ahead with a wedding I a few months before they were to be married for various different reasons but not cheating related. He said it was very hard and they too lived together so there was a mortgage issue, a pet issue, and also a wedding that was very expensive. He knew if he had married her he wouldn’t be happy and sooner or later it would get worse and they would divorce. He tells me it’s the best and hardest decision he has had to make regarding the ex. It’s no easy task and even the person calling it off is hurt - despite what others might think. * Forget about what people will say about you or why you canceled it or even postponed. It’s not about them and all you really need to say is “I don’t want to talk about it” and if people have any decency they will understand. * It’s so much easier to lose $7000 than to loose double or triple that in a divorce.The way I see it is if he had any respect for you and your future wedding he wouldn’t have done what he did. I think there are more issues behind his infidelity and more reasons than he has chosen to share

 

 

 

I wont say don’t marry him because it’s not my place but I will say think about what kind of life you will have if you do marry him. Every little thing that makes little sense will have you worried, stressed and you will crave snooping to the point where he will feel he has no privacy. It will lead him to open new e-mail accounts, delete browsing history and feel like he is in jail. * It’s not going to get better any time soon and the first year or the marriage is supposed to be happiest, you’re starting on the wrong foot and if it isn’t right now, it ill be a struggle to make it right later.One thing my boyfriend said when I read your posts without even giving it much thought he said, “he doesn’t want to get married”. It’s also a vibe I feel in your posts simply because if he did want to marry you, he would have much more respect than he has shown, but also he wouldn’t have a need to have sexual encounters with other people even if it is just through e-mail. Most big affairs start via the internet because it’s so convenient.Take some time away from him because while you’re together he will promise to make it better and work on it and everything and you wont really have a chance to think about this rationally.Everyone that I know who has called off a wedding said it was the right thing to do, even though at the time it might not have felt like it.

 

 

Everyone that I know who has called off a wedding said it was the right thing to do, even though at the time it might not have felt like it.I see you mentioned your sister and one thing I will say is, people share very little about the relationships with anyone, unless exceptionally close. I look at it from my side and I know there are things in my relationship that no one besides the two of us knows or will ever know. * And a lot of people might seem really happy you only know the facade and not what is really going on behind wall, curtains, and doors.Another thing I want to mention is his family. You might be very, very close with them but they will choose their son over you any day even if he cheated on you in front of them. Blood is thicker than water and very few families take the side of the future in-law than their own blood. I say this from my own experiences, and experiences of those around me.With all this said, I still think you will go through with the wedding

 

 

If there are mistakes in paragraps can a mod please edit it because my phone won't allow me to see it all clearly.

[ibu]

I get a feeling the wedding is on.

 

Yeah, same here. I guess we can "look forward to" more posts from the OP about how she married him and then found out he continued cheating on her.

[turnera]

Sign him up for a polygraph test to see if he's lying NOW about still contacting his ex (or anyone else). If he passes, you get married. If he fails, you don't.

[Applewhite]

I agree with this completely! Well said.

[Cilantro]

Thank you for this post, instead of posting about how you are looking forward to reading about our failure. I appreciate an unbiased opinion, rather than one of condemnation for any sort of decision that will be made.

 

Regarding the sent email folder that I saw, I went on to the email address he doesn't use often because I needed an email address of his aunt and I knew it'd be there. He rarely sends emails from that address but I knew that was the one I needed to access. I saw that the very last email he sent from there was actually January to his ex, so I didn't have to look for it at all. It was in plain view the second i clicked that folder open. The email to his aunt (the address I needed) was sent in December, those were the last two emails in that folder, if that tells you how much he uses it.

 

Some of my friends know, including 2 of my bridesmaids. I'm so grateful for my friends because they are really helping me through this. So far, not one of my friends who knows (some friends not in my wedding party as well as my bridesmaids) has given me any sort of advice to stay or go. Not one, and I'm very happy not to be receiving advice but to be receiving support. That's how I know i'm loved and have good friends.

 

My family doesn't know. I don't plan to tell them. Nothing healthy will come out of that conversation so it's best they don't know.

 

My fiance has told his parents. He actually changed his phone number (so that his ex couldn't contact again) and deleted that email address (the only one his ex knows) and when he called to give his parents his new number, he broke down and told them. I was in the room for this conversation. His parents are so disappointed in him. Blood may be thicker than water but they are fully supportive over what I decide. They are angry at him. They know we have a good thing and that he should know better. His parents' disappointment in him is almost as bad to him as our marriage ending before it starts. I've spoken with his parents and it's emotional for all of his. No one expected this out of him. Not my friend,s his friends, or his parents. It's so unexpected.

 

As it stands now, we're going through with teh wedding. But I wish you would all please stop making bets on our failure. It doesn't help.

[truegrit]

I completely agree with what Petite's bf said and I also said that a few posts back. This man does not want to get married, is not ready to get married and I think he knows it deep down but probably will not admit it. I also think the OP is planning on going thru with this and doing what myself has done many times and that is self deception which we all do at times when we want something so badly we can make ourselves believe that it will be fine. I hate to say it but at her age I would have gone thru with it, I know I would have

 

Another thing and I HOPE HOPE I am wrong, but if she does go thru with it I kinda think we won't hear from her again. She knows we are against it and she would feel quilt coming back. Again from my own thinking I probably wouldn't. I so wish she would tho and also for her to realize that we would support her and would love an update on how the wedding went. I know we all wish her the best and truly hope her decision either way turns out to be the best for her future.

[truegrit]

Well, that was bad timing on my part to say she wouldn't come back.........so glad to hear from her and it seems he is really trying to make this right for their relationship. Good luck Cilantro! Thanks for the update!

[dramallama]

Some of my friends know, including 2 of my bridesmaids. I'm so grateful for my friends because they are really helping me through this. So far, not one of my friends who knows (some friends not in my wedding party as well as my bridesmaids) has given me any sort of advice to stay or go. Not one, and I'm very happy not to be receiving advice but to be receiving support. That's how I know i'm loved and have good friends.

 

Or... it could be that they know that if they DO tell you what is really best (that you postpone the wedding at LEAST until next year so you can both go to counselling) it might make things awkward on the big day, since you've pretty much decided to go through with it anyway. They probably didn't want to rock the boat. If they really loved you they WOULD be giving you advice even if it meant that they'd be kicked out of the wedding party or it would ruin the friendship. And they knew that you had made your mind up so it was no use. I feel sorry for you, as well as your bridal party, who have to look that man in the eyes and congratulate him on the day.

 

 

My family doesn't know. I don't plan to tell them. Nothing healthy will come out of that conversation so it's best they don't know.

By "healthy" do you really mean "advice I don't want to hear?" I think they would support you in calling off, or indefinately postponing you marrying someone that does NOT think that you are The One.

 

 

But I wish you would all please stop making bets on our failure. It doesn't help.

We weren't trying to place bets... what we were doing was trying to let you know the CONSEQUENCE of CHOOSING to marry a cheater (as your title says). Some of these other members have been there before, and your situation will be no different. I don't know how you can get married and not have a sinking feeling in your stomach honestly. It's not too late. This man is not committed, and you seem to be more worried about the wedding, than the marriage. Even if he does go to counselling, you are going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

[Ariel85]

So far, not one of my friends who knows (some friends not in my wedding party as well as my bridesmaids) has given me any sort of advice to stay or go. Not one, and I'm very happy not to be receiving advice but to be receiving support. That's how I know i'm loved and have good friends.

 

Personally, I don't consider that a good friend. A good friend is someone who stops you from harming yourself when you don't realize what you're doing. I would actually think anyone in my life who sat by and said nothing when I was screwing up to be a crap friend. But, that's me. And my friends and I don't humor each other when danger is looming.

 

Regardless, no one is delighting in your pain nor are we betting on your failure, Cilantro. It's a horrible situation to be in, and I would be completely heartbroken. But, for those of us who have been betrayed and cheated on, we know these situations don't disappear with a few tears and an apology. In fact, they often don't even resolve with therapy and good intent. As someone else said - he's only admitting to what you can prove. Be certain there is a whole lot more fire than just the smoke you've seen. He has shown you who he is, and you are choosing to ignore it. That's cool and fine. I mean, it's your life to lead.

 

Wish you the best with your wedding and beyond...

[penelope13]

ok, let's try this: if (as it sounds like) you want to go through with the wedding, what gives you the confidence that you both will be able to work this out and have a loving, fulfilling, happy life with each other?

[DrKitten]

By "healthy" do you really mean "advice I don't want to hear?" I think they would support you in calling off, or indefinately postponing you marrying someone that does NOT think that you are The One.

She said earlier in the thread that she does not have a good relationship with her family, and that her friends are her true family.

[annie24]

She said earlier in the thread that she does not have a good relationship with her family, and that her friends are her true family.

 

personally, i don't think it matters if her friends or family don't support her decision (although I think they would). it's all about cilantro and her fiance. If they marry, after the wedding and the honeymoon - it's just going to be the two of them, in their apartment, left to deal with their own problems. no one else. it's a matter of what she can deal with, what kind of life she wants, what kind of marriage she wants, etc... she's the one who has to live with the consequences of either going through with or cancelling or postponing the wedding. I hope cilantro is thinking ahead to "future cilantro" in 3 months, after the wedding and all the hoopla has died down - will she be happy? what is the fiance doing to assure her this will not happen again if she marries him?

[dramallama]

I don't think her friends are true friends/family if they aren't telling her the truth. A true friend would yell out so you are not hit by a bus, instead of staying silent. I'm pretty appalled that her friends could sit by and let her get married without even SUGGESTING that she postpone the wedding so the couple can go to counselling. Even if the OP ends up refusing that suggestion, which is sounds like she would have, the friend can say "well, I respect your decision" but at least they would have spoken their piece. But it sounds like her friends were more concerned about not making things awkward, or perhaps the friend picked up on the fact that the OP had made her mind up and wouldn't have any suggestion otherwise. I'm not saying they aren't good friends, but there are tests in life, and I think at least one of them should have spoken up.

 

(Not a rant directed at you, DrKitten, btw)

[abitbroken]

Cilantro, I don't think we are wanting you to fail. We have just seen a lot of different stories unfold here on the forum. The best thing about this place is that you find out you are not alone - that other people have been through similar things. I would be disappointed for you if your wedding night was not one of joy, but was bittersweet due to the apprehension.

 

 

 

dramallama, the trouble is that they all have their own expectations. They want to be bridesmaids or have done so much to plan for this too. I think its important, Cilantro, that your friends are supportive and a shoulder to cry on, but I am really surprised that no one has suggested counseling even if not canceling the wedding. I think some friends just don't want to rock the boat.

 

Some of the things here may have been upsetting, but sometimes you have to rock the boat to get things moving and make things better - something has to tear down to rebuild.

 

Glad that he admitted things to his family because now you have more support versus quietly suffering.

[lavenderdove]

You know, i find your attitude discouraging as well, because you came onto this board asking for advice, and when you choose to ignore what almost everyone is telling you and go ahead and marry him, you suddenly start attacking the posters as 'not being supportive' or somehow raining on your parade.

 

Frankly, is it your FIANCE who rained on your parade, not anyone here, and if a decent person saw another person about to step off a cliff, or give all their money to a con man, it wouldn't be 'supportive' for us to say, 'sure, go ahead, throw all your money away, or sure, walk right off that cliff and break your neck.'

 

So you have to acknowledge you are making a CHOICE, and that choice is to stay with a man who has shown serious evidence of cheating and potential to do so in future. If you want to jump off that cliff, fine, maybe you'll make a soft landing half way down, or maybe you'll break you neck. But please don't attack or blame posters on this board who try to warn you that perhaps that ride down is going to be bumpy, or not turn out the way you hope.

 

It's kind of insulting for you to insult people who are trying to help you by giving you their best advice based on the circumstances you present to them. It's also kind of clear that you want to just pretend you never discovered what you did about him and forge forward as if it didn't happen, and of course that is your choice, but it doesn't make it wise nor does it make people wrong to try to help you and warn you.

 

Nobody here wishes you ill, and in fact wishes you well, but they do wish you were more cautious FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, not anybody's sake on this board. If he turns out to ruin your life with cheating and misery, that doesn't affect us any, but it does affect you, so caution on your part rather than blind faith that everything will work out because you want it to is warranted. You can choose to ignore that advice, but don't assume it is bad advice and not supportive just because you've decided to go ahead and marry him. That really smacks of shooting the messenger because you've decided to fling yourself into a massive case of denial and marry him because you want to marry him, but that is indeed your choice, and we all wish you well.

[dramallama]

this!!!!!!

[Moontiger]

 

We weren't trying to place bets... what we were doing was trying to let you know the CONSEQUENCE of CHOOSING to marry a cheater (as your title says). Some of these other members have been there before, and your situation will be no different. I don't know how you can get married and not have a sinking feeling in your stomach honestly. It's not too late. This man is not committed, and you seem to be more worried about the wedding, than the marriage. Even if he does go to counselling, you are going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

 

I agree with with dramallama. All of your reasons for not putting of the wedding have not been about the marriage but about the wedding itself. There is life after a wedding when you have to look at that person and realize you are going to wake up every day and have to look at their face, smell their morning breath, watch them get crumbs all over the kitchen when making breakfast, watch them go out with friends and wonder what they are doing etc.

 

No one on here wants you to fail or to have to go through the emotionally and financially draining process of a divorce. What is happening is an intense frustration that all signs are pointing to you getting hurt and yet you seem unwilling to actually DO anything about it.

 

Realistically, what has change so dramatically is the last couple days with your SO? So he has a new phone number, that will not stop him from contacting his ex again, so his parents know now, what does that prove? He can still start affairs if he wishes to. The problems you are faceing with this man need long term intense attention. I posted a story a few pages about about God giving peoples signs. Please go back and read it over a few times.

[DN]

Closed at user request.