I'm marrying a cheater :(

[OptomisticGirl]

I would have to disagree with the assumption of the OP's mother as well. Alcohol is a sickness, cheating is just a sympton of who someone is. My mother chose the man that molested me over me - as in, she still married him after I told her - but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me, value me, or hasn't bent over backwards to help me since I literally had no were to go when my ex and I broke up.

 

I think you should def. take the friend up on their offer, if nothing else to give you a day or two to clear you head and think. I will say don't be shocked when in a few days you come back down emotionally. Finding out you were cheated on is a roller coaster just like a break up - you can feel really in control and in power and then something happens and you just plumete right back down.

 

It's hard to leave someone who has cheated on you. I took a cheater back twice. Having hindsight to look back on it I did it because I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of starting over and frankly, I thought it was what I deserverd in life. Not every relationship is like that though - people do make honest to God mistakes BUT it's still a very, very, very huge mistake.

[90_hour_sleep]

He said he'll do what he has to do to show me how sorry he is and how I mean everything to him. He's said that before, once when I caught him lying to me about smoking (this was in December). He had to quit smoking for health/dental reasons and he kept smoking, and he stupidly left the cigarettes on the dresser. He had been lying to me about it for months. I never knew. I'm so stupid.

 

If I only knew how trivial smoking was then.

 

I love him so much, even in spite of this. I just wish I could show him how much I am hurting right now.

 

i wouldn't let smoking influence your decision making process here. it's drug addiction...and lying is a normal and natural part of that. the most fantastic, honest, loyal people on the planet will deceive themselves and those closest to them to keep nicotine addiction alive. it's slavery. it's far more complicated than ''lying'' in this instance.

 

not that it really matters in this case. does seem a bit trivial by comparison.

 

sucky situation.

[Lonewing]

I've been very hesitant to make any statement on this thread, primarily not because of the first string of events but becasue of the second string. Two separate strings, same issue; the boy has a lust for things of the sexual nature. I don't ever see the boy not engaging in this behavior either - the kind of behavior where he goes out with his friends and meets other girls and gets them to send pictures and play with him. He's comfortable with strippers, which is an underscoring property I find disconcerting - one has to be a bit more involved to actually date one as opposed to simply look at one.

 

If you and him were able to come to that understanding of where the realistic line is and not just you to him, but also him to you and vice versa, whereas right now there seems to be two idealistic lines separated by a gulf, HE might be able to work things out with you. At this point he's pretty much had mental flings of a sexual nature; I don't see or hear much emotional flinging nor physical flinging. Which is both good and bad, if you had to look at the whole picture. I mean, yes, he is textsexting someone else, and drooling over their naked pictures - and I know guys who do this as a little game they like to play [watch how much I can get her to send me!] - but at the same time, he hasn't been with others physically...at least, from what you can prove. And that's a bit disconcerting too, now that I think about it. No proof does not mean it does not exist...dammit.

 

Ok, so in those emails, was there anything he said about his Feelings for her or his Feelings towards you? Or was it purely of a sexual nature? granted, tiger Woods got in trouble for somehting ismilar, but he went a Lot further with his affairs to the physical part.

 

If you do get married, may this serve as a wakeup call to both of you - perhaps him more than you - on what the other expects and how the other may act. But I'm not sure if that will ever happen - his pornography has gotten a little too raw. You might so much as ask him if he would be comfortable with you doing what he was doing - if yes, that tells you a lot, if no, that tells you a lot more.

 

I don't think he was ever doing any of this with you in mind - it was a game he was playing to satisfy whatever side he doesn't get from you. I mean, do you send him naked pictures on his phone? I presume not!!! Or talk dirty to him via email? Probably not! If anything, there's somethign to be said about his "free time" he has to get invovled in these sorts of games. Hence, I don't see his games ever stopping - and if one was ever so hot so as to burn his eyebals out, I don;t think he would be able to say "no if she said "lets hook up - NOW!" nor do we know if he HAS hooked up or not.

 

Ultimately, it will be between you and him what comes of this. You are also going to have to determine precisely what you want to come of this, and you will have to be the one who makes that decision. This is my idealistic side speaking - it rarely speaks, Rarely - that says if he makes the effort this can work, even though the realistic side of me sides with the statistics which say more often than not, the problem repeats and cascades into something bigger.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Cilantro]

Um, you wrote yourself you felt your mother chose drinking over you.

 

And I think if you're willing to make such excuses for how she (apparently) treated you, then you'll make the same excuses for your fiance cheating on you.

 

I also said my mother is an alcoholic.

 

That doesn't mean she made teh choice to love alcohol more than me.

[rocio]

It's not helpful to have someone tell u your mother doesn't love or value you. You shouldn't even feel the need to defend yourself on this one. Anyone who has had an addict parent knows exactly what u mean.

[Cilantro]

This is exactly the male perspective I was seeking. It's good insight, and I appreciate it. The bolded part, to me, is exactly what he said to me, in a nutshell. And you're right, it can be both good and bad that it (presumably) never got past just the technology-based fling.

 

Regarding his feelings for her or me, nothing was ever said. Just a lot of "I wanna do this to your (disgusting term for a vagina)" and "I'm going to blank your face till I blank blank blank" and then what tehir schedules are (which she actually never responded to, at least in the emails, from what I coudl tell).

 

Either way, though, the fact that this type of pornography has a face and a name...that's the issue I have with it. Looking at porn, jerking off to girls who put on webcam shows, whatever...that's not cheating to me. It's a sexual release. I can understand it. But when that webcam girl performs for just one person, when there is personal contact (email, phone, text, etc), when there are names involved, that's where I have to draw the line for the distinction. At least for me personally. Not saying it's like that for everyone.

 

Jealousy is not a comfortable thing for me. It's a foreign feeling, it's not fun. I don't know how to be jealous. Even at dinner, I said about our waitress that she has nice legs. I say things like that in passing, as we've always talked like that to each other. He looked at them and agreed and that was that. That's a common conversation with us, just observing people and women mostly. Then it occurred to me, wait, does his thoughts on her legs mean somethiing different now? Does that mean I have crossed my own boundary? Does that mean I'm giving him permission to consider other girls? Did I cause this?

 

My mind went all over the place, and then I realized that I never cared about thsoe types of remarks, but this situation has put my mind in a differnt place. And what is acceptable now? I can't stop him from being a man and glancing at other women, jerking off, seeing girls in his day to day life. But how do we determine what is acceptable in this relationship?

 

I told him I ran into my former fling today and that I told him (well, rather, I used it as a means to make angry jabs at him) that I could possibly take this chance to get back in touch with that guy and sleep with him again, and how would he feel? Of course he didn't like that comment, as it was meant to be hurtful, but I took that time to remind him that that guy HAD written me months ago lookign to get together, and I turned him down, telling him I was engaged and happy and that that was that. And I told my fiance he could've very well done the same but chose not to, and that in the end, it comes down to choices, and now he's left me with a choice to make that I shoudl've never had to consider at all.

 

So we're still in limbo, at least now, Friday night, 2 weeks before the wedding.

 

At this time in 2 weeks, I should be sitting in our hotel, giggling with my girlfriends and bridesmaids about the next day, giving each other manicures, and being too antsy to sleep b/c of waht will be happening the next day. But now there is an "or" involved. At this time in 2 weeks, i could be sitting there, giggling with my girlfriends, OR I coudl be sitting there questioning my motives and his motives and wondering if he'll show up, OR I coudl be sitting there in a hotel room, crying, staring at my unused wedding dress, trying to pick up the pieces of my life, and dodging texts and calls from guests and family and friends looking to see if I'm ok or whatever.

 

There shouldn't be that OR there. Not at all.

[Cilantro]

It's not helpful to have someone tell u your mother doesn't love or value you. You shouldn't even feel the need to defend yourself on this one. Anyone who has had an addict parent knows exactly what u mean.

 

Thank you. I agree.

[Cilantro]

LOL, just found this on a random site online.

 

Pretty fitting I suppose.

 

link removed

[Moontiger]

Get him one of these as a wedding gift: link removed

[Capricorn3]

Regarding his feelings for her or me, nothing was ever said. Just a lot of "I wanna do this to your (disgusting term for a vagina)" and "I'm going to blank your face till I blank blank blank" and then what tehir schedules are (which she actually never responded to, at least in the emails, from what I coudl tell).

 

the fact that this type of pornography has a face and a name...that's the issue I have with it. But when that webcam girl performs for just one person, when there is personal contact (email, phone, text, etc), when there are names involved, that's where I have to draw the line for the distinction

^^ THIS. This is what you should use to remind you WHY you should cancel the wedding. Read your own words above many many times. You have 2 weeks left - not much time at all. The sooner you take action, the better. This is not going to be something that you can sort out before the wedding. This will take a lot of time (if ever), to sort out and regain trust. You should not marry when you have this hanging over your head. This is not the way to start such a huge chapter in your life. To be honest, he doesn't sound ready for such a huge committment at all (imo). I get the impression he still wants some freedom. I also can't help feeling he's got cold feet and would probably be relieved if the wedding was called off.

 

Also, I think it would be really good for you to take up the offer of your friend and stay over at his place. You need some time away, on your own, to get through this very tough, emotionally draining time.

 

Wish you well.

[Lonewing]

At strip clubs, though, every girl in there has a face and a name, and they get quite close. I've heard second hand how some stripeprs aren't exactly observant of the rules, either, once things get to the back rooms.

 

I'm still not comfortable with where the correspondance broke off - and there's that work cell. I can see where the jump could occur, and he's just too unoccupied from time to time for me to be comfortable making any call.

 

It really is entirely in your hands. You might consider taking up that room for at least a couple days, though, to sort things out. If you want the whole story, you might contact his ex and get it from her straight.

 

If you do stick with him, this is a perhaps gray area where now there will be a far more clarity than there ever was before. I'm not going to say if this boundaryneeded to be laid out so plainly, but then again, from what you describe - benefit versus doubt, well, I cannot say how far this goes. Has he ever chatted with the camsex girls? I don't ever see this part of him disappearing, though - the part that's just a little too smooth with ladies. ugh.

 

You determine what is acceptable in this relationship by very openly discussing it. Granted, some things should be common sense. But then Common sense seems to be generally lacking.

 

There is of course the story of my ex. She likes to get emotionally caught up with people ont he dance floor - she's usually ALWAYS dancing long after anyone else wants to continue. And she's very attractive with lots of friends - male friends who like to dance with her - and she's happy to go to first, second? base too...which is kind of accross the line!! Russian Greetings are one thing, but French Romaniticism is another entirely!!! She did it I think twice while I was with her...I'm very bad with jealousy too, in my case recognizing if and when I should be jealous - particularly since me and her had a bit of an unspoken line that was a bit generous. But we both knew the line existed - the kiss was where my line was - crossing that kiss was No good.

 

I saw her over the new years or so - with her new guy. Guess what, she still dances the same way. The dance still ends the same way too, with him interrupting, them making up, and then leaving immediatley afterwards. I was there once, you know? She ultimately decided to end it, which was a great service to me, as much as it hurt, but there's no changing who she is as an animal. Yes, I say animal, because people like her refuse to control their inner urges, even though they know they have been taught right and otherwise. And in her case, she's ripe for being in open relationships. Not for me.

 

I don't know him, so I cannot say much further about him or what he may or may not do in the future. If he did indeed want to have sex with these people, or did, then there is a bigger problem that may not be resolved by staying together. If it happened, he's been very good hiding the proof.

[OptomisticGirl]

At strip clubs, though, every girl in there has a face and a name, and they get quite close. I've heard second hand how some stripeprs aren't exactly observant of the rules, either, once things get to the back rooms.

 

.

 

I have no porblem with strip clubs as long as L doesn't get a lap dance. To me, that is what crosses the line. That's something intimate and private only I should be doing for my fiance and he completely agrees. Of course his stance is why go to a strip club if he can't get a lap dance? So he just doesn't go but I def. would have no problem with him going and looking - I know he does that already.

[Cilantro]

The webcam thing was an example. I know he watches that stuff, but it's where they're performing for the camera, not conversing directly with the users (b/c there are so many). THat's what I can tell from the internet history (and I've known about his preferred type of internet porn long before this happened).

[bulletproof]

At this time in 2 weeks, i could be sitting there, giggling with my girlfriends, OR I coudl be sitting there questioning my motives and his motives and wondering if he'll show up, OR I coudl be sitting there in a hotel room, crying, staring at my unused wedding dress, trying to pick up the pieces of my life, and dodging texts and calls from guests and family and friends looking to see if I'm ok or whatever.

 

There shouldn't be that OR there. Not at all.

 

I think this is an important point. I think that you should add another "or". Maybe you choose not to be there crying and staring your wedding dress. Maybe you choose to be on an island taking a vacation with your friends, or having a spa day. I know this sounds trite to some degree, but if I could change one thing about my life, it would be to make better choices in how I dealt with hard times. You are stronger than you think, just remember that.

 

I also disagree with those saying you need to tell everyone what happened should you choose to cancel or postpone the wedding. I think your relationship is between you and your boyfriend and that you don't owe anyone any explanation. You can simply say it's off and that you've changed your minds. They can speculate all they want.

 

Here's something to look at in the meantime:

link removed

[Cilantro]

I actually read "Honeymoon with my brother" sometime last year and loved it

 

I don't know. I'm just so undecided. As it stands today, I'm going through with it. tomorrow? Not sure. Next week? Not sure. Day of wedding? Not sure. B/c I only have today....

[OptomisticGirl]

I think it could be worse if you get to the day of the wedding and then deceide not to go through with it though.

[Lonewing]

I have no porblem with strip clubs as long as L doesn't get a lap dance. To me, that is what crosses the line. That's something intimate and private only I should be doing for my fiance and he completely agrees. Of course his stance is why go to a strip club if he can't get a lap dance? So he just doesn't go but I def. would have no problem with him going and looking - I know he does that already.

 

Level 1, Dancing on stage [they can get quite close for $1!], Level 2 lap dance [$20?], Level 3 back room [???]

 

I agree with his reasoning for not going in the first place; while the show out front may be the face of the strip club, the big show is...the backroom...

 

$10-$20 for cover, a new dancer to tip every 5-10 minutes? So that means an hour costs $12, plus drinks, and that's if he tips every dancer and every dancer only takes 5 minutes...I have a buddy who went and blew through $180 in one night and he still has no idea how he went through it so fast, but he says he had a lot of fun doing it.

 

I've only been in one once. I'm proud to say I took home a DVD player that night...aha...oh me oh my...

[Cilantro]

I don't mind strip clubs. Not at all. Even if he did meet this particular ex WHILE she was working. IE, he met her while she was dancing/after/whatever, and then they somehow started a relationship.

 

Still don't mind strip clubs, but I do mind this girl.

[Oneironaut]

Cilantro, just curious...if the wedding weren't impending, and you were just dating still, how would you handle this situation?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't mind strip clubs. Not at all. Even if he did meet this particular ex WHILE she was working. IE, he met her while she was dancing/after/whatever, and then they somehow started a relationship.

 

Still don't mind strip clubs, but I do mind this girl.

 

And that's reasonable.

 

I remember one time my ex and I went out to eat and the first girl he cheated on me with - which was an ex gf also - started to walk toward us as our waitress. I stood up, told the host she could move me because I was not being served but the 4 letter word, and proceeded to move to another table. My ex was so afraid to look up from his plate the entire night.

 

Def. can understand it.

[Cilantro]

Cilantro, just curious...if the wedding weren't impending, and you were just dating still, how would you handle this situation?

 

I really don't know. I trust until given reason not to trust. And then I react. I don't really think things through. I just react. I never know how I will, but I just know I do.

 

That's what I'm doing now. Reacting.

[Lonewing]

I don't mind strip clubs. Not at all. Even if he did meet this particular ex WHILE she was working. IE, he met her while she was dancing/after/whatever, and then they somehow started a relationship.

 

Still don't mind strip clubs, but I do mind this girl.

 

I would too. And while we're at it, I mind all strippers. They're not below taking their clothes off or feeling someone up for for money, so what would they not be willing to do for themselves??! Larceny is a powerful drug/tool/play.

[Miss Firecracker]

I have a sinking feeling you will go ahead with this wedding. If you were going to cancel it, I think you would have already.

 

Good luck in this marriage.

 

The type of notes he was sending sounds more like harassment than love. I am not surprised she didn't respond. He sounds like a man I've known for many years. He said some similar things to me, and I found out later not just to me but also to his only son's wife. He is a sick man.

[Cilantro]

I guess I've just always seen it as a job. Sellign your sexuality for money is the world's oldest profession, I've read. It's here to stay, no matter who minds it and who doesn't. That said, I'd never do it, not ina second, but I don't judge those who do.

[Cilantro]

I have a sinking feeling you will go ahead with this wedding. If you were going to cancel it, I think you would have already.

 

Good luck in this marriage.

 

The type of notes he was sending sounds more like harassment than love. I am not surprised she didn't respond. He sounds like a man I've known for many years. He said some similar things to me, and I found out later not just to me but also to his only son's wife. He is a sick man.

 

Oh no, she definitely responded, that much is sure, just never responded on email about actually meeting up.