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Everything posted by penelope13

  1. I think a lot of women have the conviction that they have to do "everything and anything" to make a relationship work, that it's up to them to give one chance after the other. While I don't think one should bail any relationship at the first sign of challenges, it needs to be balanced: if effort is only made from one person, it's not going to work long term. If one is worried about 'what if I had given him/her another chance' ask yourself at the same time 'did the other person invest the same/similar amount of effort into me as I into him/her' - if the answer is no, there is no need to worry a
  2. Maybe it's moot to analyze him further, but I think it's useful to learn from every relationship what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. However, the more important lesson (IMHO) is about what YOU (general you) can do differently in the next relationship, because that is something under your own control. Recognizing if someone is not suitable is a huge skill set to develop while dating and trying to find the right person for a long term relationship. It's not a simple waste of time being too long in the wrong relationship, but I think the emotional burden is just too high the long
  3. Why waste energy on trying to predict if me may or may not not contact you in the future. - When he does you have ample of time to decide if you want to react or not. For now just focus on feeling better
  4. Better to be alone, than to be alone with the wrong guy
  5. it's probably about the disappointment that you will have to start over, finding someone knew - that's totally understandable! Go out and have fun this weekend; things will start to look better with a bit of distance. Keeping busy by either socializing or even working will hopefully help with distracting your mind and thus lesson the sadness.
  6. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Can you identify what the sadness is really about? Is it fear of not finding someone? Of being alone? Or is it really about him specifically??
  7. You miss being in a relationship, having someone to share your life with - that is separate and independent from him. The more you talk and write about him (maybe it's a way for you to work through this faster?), the more obvious it is that he was not the right one for you. no matter how much you would have tried or wanted it - he was not able to turn into the person you would have liked him to be. One person trying to make it work is not sufficient. You can't will someone or earn the right to make someone fall in love with you and wanting to make it work as well. It's unfortunately not how
  8. And in those instances he may have meant it. But he seems to be a "right now" person and was focusing on if he wanted you in his life right in that particular moment, unlike you who was trying to figure out if you could make the relationship last. He benefited having someone in his life who kept challenging him to be an adult when he really needed it since he doesn't seem to have the inner motivation and drive to do so himself, thus of course he wanted to be with you at the time. It's not that uncommon (unfortunately) that people will themselves into a relationship with someone they are
  9. Yes, remind yourself that while you wanted a serious relationship, he simply was incompatible in many aspects with what you are looking for in a partner.
  10. I'm sorry you have to go through this. However, in the long run I think this is best for you. You are not wasting your time and energy anymore on someone who was at best lukewarm with his feelings towards you. Only when you voiced your concerns he said the necessary words to keep feeding you hope, but he actually (only based on what you have written in your journal) hasn't 'walked the walk', but rather only made promises for future 'improvements'. You really deserve better than him! Someone who is crazy about you and who is consistent with this both in words and actions. I don't think
  11. I know this is easier said than done: don't focus on the fear of breaking up and everything that comes with this, but focus on: "I will have more clarity after this talk".
  12. I agree: try not to get freaked out about what he may want to talk about. It could be a lot of different things. Considering how often you have questioned him and the relationship, even a break up - although painful - is not necessarily a 'bad' thing as such if it is something that is unavoidable in the long run (due to some of the incompatibilities you have discussed here) and knowing this sooner rather than later is a good thing, not a bad thing.
  13. Ok, great. you know what you want - now accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be. Let go of pushing your expectations and timeline on him. Growing up really is a personal process and people need to do it in their own timeframe. If you can't accept it, you are just going to make yourself and him unhappy. As to staying in a relationship until a new opportunity presents itself: would you be able to look for a potentially new partner while you are in a relationship (i'm not judging, just asking)? Yes, for the people who are able to do this it seems they can simply skip the being
  14. He is being a good "for now" boyfriend. But after all the time you have been with him and still not saying "I love you" I wouldn't consider being there for you emotionally. Maybe look at this with your science point of view: if you would perform quality controls to figure out if a sample can be included/excluded, you would only include a sample if it passes ALL requirements, not just a few. If being financially responsible is something that you require in a long term partner he may not be the one. If you want to give him the chance to change/learn - ask yourself how much time will yo
  15. Just another perspective: you can't wait for ever for L taking the decision out of your hand if he is the right long term partner for you or not. People don't change magically overnight, but when they invest the energy and work that is required and when they don't give up when things get rough and so far he hasn't provided enough 'data' to give you any confidence that this will happen. So don't be passive about your life either. If he is not the kind of adult you want for a long term partner and you are looking for one, then start investing your time and your energy into finding someone mor
  16. what do you mean by 'you have to hit your breaking point'? how would that look like?
  17. this is not about having a particular rough night with him, but you having different ideas about how to be an adult with adult responsibilities. you have to decide for yourself if you can accept that he is not like you in terms of planning ahead and taking active measures towards his own future or if this is a deal breaker for you in a long term partner. I think the best for you would be to have a deadline for yourself by when you want to see specific changes in him and when you will call it quits. Until then you back off and let him do his thing. It's up to him to show you he has what y
  18. Would you be more upset about him getting caught again and the legal implications, or that he really doesn't drink to the point where he is risking being over the legal limit?
  19. Did you say anything to him about it or are you just filing it away for now?
  20. Glad things are going well on all fronts. Especially work. Enjoy those moments where everyone is excited about science, they come rarely enough!
  21. I'm just going to put it a bit more blunt: "I love you in the sense that ...." just translates for me that the romantic love that doesn't require explanation between adults is just not there. his explanations are all about him and what you are contributing to his life. "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't see a future with you" are words only if they are not backed up by his actions. Making social plans for an event in the future don't necessarily mean that he is planning a future with you where making YOU happy is part of a priority for him. it's entirely possible that he didn't mean to sou
  22. Consider it a good thing. He/she may help you with some pointers for your interview (how to relax etc)
  23. focus on the preparation of the report and the interview and let Logan take initiative about his sister's wedding
  24. how do you think he would act if the situation was reversed?
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