Taurean

Out of respect for you and your relationship, she should minimalise the calls from him. She should make it plain to him that its inappropiate as it makes you feel angry about it. Notice the wording "her" as in her responsibility, as a previous poster noted, its her right to choose her friends. However, you might want to ask yourself, why she indulges him when she knows it makes you uncomfortable? Is it because it makes her feel desirable in others eyes? Its easier for her to tolerate this "kid" as she knows that he has a crush on her. What if he didnt have a crush on her? Then the calls would seem "weird" and she'd feel uncomfortable. So imo, I'd say that her interaction with him is reaching an intolerable level on your emotions and she should care better for you than to indulge her own ego.

Watching porn is his own private affair. You honestly dont know what he feels whilst watching porn. The best way is for you, yourself, to grow more secure in who you are and about yourself and not be threatened by fictious women on a screen. That is just ridiculous and you could use your time on other things, like a hobby.

Hi all to those that have written so far, There are two distinct features to the similarities of what you have said. 1-Obsession=Unable to let go, they fill your mind, thoughts, dreams and imiaginery conversations take place. 2-Closure=feeling that you didnt get answers to 'why' the relationship has ended. These two unfortunate circumstances/traits, makes it much harder to move on. It prolongs time and in sevear forms can lead to physical detrimentis. Two elements can change/alter this state. Time and Attitude. Time works by itself ONLY if you cease contact with your ex's. By remaining in contact, time will not have its effect. Time distorts and loses memory-mappings you have of the other person. So, be sure to stop habits such as re-reading emails, calling them on the telephone, driving by their house. Its easier to stop driving by their house than to check emails, so make a list based on which is easier and work your way through that list. Attitude is based on your thoughts. Thoughts CAN change your emotional state. This technique involves telling yourself repeatedly a few trigger sentences, such as, "I am better off without this person, I wont succumb to wasting my energy on this person" "There are others whom I am able to develop just as deep feelings for later on, I must just remain patient" Again, make a list and tell yourself these sentences each time you feel the pangs of pain in your stomach or other upsetting moment. This attitude changing requires a bit of effort on your part and about 65% of people are too lazy to make a list and carry it out in practise. You can and will heal in a more 'natural' way, but it takes much much longer and if you're not careful it could be dragged out for unnecessary months or years. Start easy and develop yourself, human beings are wonderful mechanisms that endure incredible hardships, remember to be kind to yourself and if sometimes you make a mistake.......so what.......you just simply go back to being kind to yourself Good luck to you people, Taurean

Hello Babes, As far as I recall, there is no recollection in the Akaish records of anyone being doomed to being alone against their own wish, so rest assured, it will come to you in one form or another, as it has done in your past too. The trick is to recognise it Finito. Fin. End. Ps- "Tricking" won't help. Time will adjust you to when you 'feel' obliged to receive.

Dedicated to those that have been broken up with....venting/sharing my troubles. ....As day swells to night and you lay in your bed, doing your best to struggle into sleep. The dream starts.... You find yourself amongst a strange new world. A vivid, clear and articulate world for the first time. It could be anywhere familiar, or nowhere in particular. You find yourself feeling slightly numb, with little or no sensations. the surroundings unfold themselves as your mind chooses, always with a taste of control, that you somehow know that you are in a dream, yet not perceptive enough for it to be distinguished as one. Then comes the relapse of your day, as your mind transgresses the days thoughts and interprets them into the dream. Spontaneously, as free as your mind and thoughts are, creeps a little glimt of a mere thought of something that reminded you of your ex. It comes closer, this little thought, slowly and you are aware of it. Your curiosity welcomes it with a mixture of unsurity; You realise you've had this sort of dream before and it reeks of unscrutinising familiarity. Then it lunges and jumps at you, bringing with it, the nightmare that will ensue. It bites at your side, frightening you, your inner world rocks and shifts like an old tree having its roots mauled out of the ground. You know the pain of course, you recognised it from before, you've tasted it during the day. Now comes the full course meal. You see your ex in your dream, or you sense her presense, whichever it is; you are now not alone anymore. Your ex is by your side and you feel so comfortably close and warm. So snug with the richness of Love that edges out of you. The sensations rise, a bitter-sweet harvest of your heart. All your emotions erupt and seep their way through you. As the last hold of control frees itself from you, you are left with no escape. You lose your limbs and your soul is exposed to the gnashings of horrible torment, as touching your ex brings forth ecstatic pleasure and instant gratification; at the same time the trickles of touch from your ex paralyse your very desire for life. You know why you are here, you asked for it, it is your fault, you shouldn't have thought so much during the day, you shoudn't have missed your ex so much, as now in the night, the emotions come to haunt your flesh and to tear at it; in desperate search of your heart that is now stained with scratches from dirty claws that are your thoughts. Your ex is the most beautiful angel you ever pained your eyes upon; and the very sight dries your throat; your blood flows through your thirsty veins and you gasp; each glance and each token your ex makes in movement; is a direct assault on your naked sorrow. You yearn for peace and you yearn for Love and for things to be; you yearn and you desire and you wish and you plea; you beg and grovel until your body takes no more and folds itself into a ball and in the very end a little limp wind exhales itself from your lips, profusing words of "Whhhhhyyyyy????" You never get an answer, only gestures and be they waving you away or drawing you hither, the feeling is the same. Alone, desolate, bleak and barren lands that are your world within yourself. You've lost it; you lost your world that was your ex. Time so slow, you could almost see the wind trail off your hand as you reach out to touch her face. The wind that looks back and spits cogulated words of spite, before it follows your ex's face that turns away from you. When you thought you could contain no more pain, you exhale to an awakening, heaving your chest for breath, sweat grimed to your body and the day starts all over again; of demons that visit your mind and heart, preparing for yet another night of delightful torment. Sincerely, to those that are in this mess, my deepest compassion, Taurean

Hello again Titus, You are welcome I noticed that you had said, "The Other Side". That was a good phrase, one I hadn't thought of, but is a good short description of exactly what it is too. I'm not sure how long you are in such processes of letting go and moving on. I only hope you have tried things similiar and so know of the processes beforehand. The first-real time is the hardest and most poisonous of all. Getting through to the 'other side' takes a long time. For me it took almost 4 years to move on, but alas that was because of my guilt feelings and not so much because I missed her as a gf. Yes, there will come a time when you will have moved on and looking back you will also come to think, "I remember each step of the way". Try not to be angry at your ex or to harbour ill feelings, as that prolongs the pain. To truly forgive is also to forget, but this phase is farther down the road to recovery. I will stop here and perhaps in the future, when you tell of your steps again, I will tell more. Telling more now, only adds to the confusion of the terrible things you are now experiencing. You are never alone, you always have yourself, and that isnt so bad is it? Kind regards and really best wishes, Taurean

Mr.Jones, Thank you for the link. I read it all and was very interresting even if I could detect a little lop sided branding of the 'nice guy' role, but certainly many areas within the theory were covered. It was good, I enjoyed it, made me think of a few things, a little comparing too. Thanks for sharing Kind regards, Taurean

Hello PrincessLuXLu, Your boyfriend, in all probability, lied to you from the very beginning of your relationship about porn. The debate about porn, its effects or uses and its almost inevitable presense at one time or another is a tricky issue that is better defined by WHO you are and WHO your boyfriend is. The ideal would be for you to be with a man/boy that dosen't watch porn or uses it very seldomly when he is single. The ideal for your boyfriend, is if he was with a girl that was more carefree and didn't personalise it against herself. However, this dosen't change the fact that so long as he 'scolds' you for discovering porn, means that he is feeling guilty. He feels guilty, probably because he is a young boy and so is insecure about the things that he likes and also that you have a problem with him watching porn. The fairest move he could make, was to admit to you that he watches porn (without blaming you, ie using it because you leave him horny) and that he TRIES to actively lessen watching it and to eventually stop using it. Porn steals the spirituality away from making love in a relationship. Not all relationships are built on a spiritual sense, these relationships are the ones that are more tolerant and carefree about porn. What IS important however and don't forget this, is that porn IS an issue to you! You should never have to feel guilty about the way YOU feel about porn. I think that porn means something to your boyfriend, if you break up with him because of porn, that would be tormenting him as he would want you and porn in his life for the time being. Better to try to work with him in getting him to stop watching porn. If he refuses to meet YOUR needs for security and well being, then ask yourself if him watching porn is such a big issue for you. If it is, then you can warn him that you are unhappy about it and what happens after that (an eventual break up) would be his 'choice' as he is being stubborn about it. There is no such thing as "the male instinct" to watch porn, as if it is something that males are inherently born with. A boyfriend that cares about you and your feelings would be willing to try to better himself for the sake of the relationship. Meeting ½ way or making some sort of plan with him could also help, so that he also feels that you too are making an effort in trying to understand his sexual urges. Kind regards, Taurean

Dear Titus, Thank you for sharing your post. You were together with this girl for 4½ years of your life. Its been 2 weeks only. Do not worry about losing the 'feeling of being hurt' to go away, because it will remain with you for a long time yet. You probably are referring to your pain as a measure of how much you care for this girl. That is not only unnecessary, but also unhealthy. You are still in the shock phase and anything is allowed, so do not feel ashamed if you have some moments of weakness, such as driving past her house. Try to see it as a luxury, that you have the ABILITY to do so, though choose not to out of choice. She could have lived a days worth of driving away from you, yet she is within 1 hours drive of you. As for crying and living in another place, I can relate to that. I too had a gf for almost 5 years and had to move out to a little hole. I know where you are right now and its not fun to say the least. Wallow and be miserable, be anything that you want, that'll make you feel better. In the phase that you are now, it feels that things are beyond your control, that you are merely reacting to the disturbances within yourself. Its not easy, its not hard either, its misery and that is a mix of everything. I wish I could help you more, but this phase is the hardest of them all and its not until a few days pass when you are able to not cry or feel the knots in your stomach, that you can begin to help yourself, develop and rebuild yourself. Write down the things you feel, each day, maybe that wont help you much now, but in the near future, you will have it with you for reflection and that WILL help as you will then be able to compare yourself from the immediate time. Also, important, do not blame yourself or be so hard on yourself, believe in things that are out of your control that your emotions will play defensive-tricks on you. Its natural to blame yourself. Save these thoughts for a little later down the road. Right now, just keep surviving the days. The most difficult thing too, is to not talk to her. Doing so, as you already say, is that you just get reconfirmation that its over and that she is happy the way it is, that dosen't help you right now. Call your friends each time you feel like talking to her. Do whatever it takes of your strength left over to resist the urge to call her. I wish for you that the days pass faster and the nights do not swallow you. Kind regards, Taurean

Hello, "Nice guys finish last"......if "nice" is defined as "non-egoistical", then they finish last because they live relationships with the notion of "do it together" and not "follow me". Living with the "do it together" philosophy, means that the 'nice guy' will automatically sacrifice some of himself to better accommodate his partner. If this is for a prolonged period of time, the partner will take it for granted about the same time that the 'nice guy' begins to lose something within himself. (Namely his sense of "self") Usually (unless the nice-guy has a good deal of self awarness) the partner is the one to call it off because the nice-guy is too "easy" and the partner will begin to lose some of the interrest. (That is usually referred to as 'play-resistance') A greater percentage of 'nice guys' are older than their more self-centered counterparts. The reason for this is because, sometimes (not always), some nice-guys were very egoistical earlier in other relationships and have been taught lessons about how to treat people better. There is a good deal more coverage over this seemingly simple and very common statement "why do nice guys finish last", but I don't think here is the place to write 20 A4 page theories As for Clyde411, losing out to freedom rather than to losing out to another guy could be a consolidation, although it dosent feel that way. You are now faced with a choice: A) Wait B) Move On C) 'Win' her back If you (A) wait for her, you run the risk of her meeting others romantically and this will hurt you. Depending on your patience and understanding, you could opt to wait for a good deal of time until she is 'ready' or otherwise 'falls back to you', although these are usually slim chances. If you (B) move on, you can free yourself some emotional turmoil, have the oportunity for YOURSELF to acquire new people into your life (not necessarily romantically) and you also don't run the risk of more emotional 'shocks' If you © try to win her back, be honest with yourself and your desires, because if you try any underhanded techniques to win her, they will backfire because at a later stage, she will once again long for her 'freedom'. An example of an underhanded technique is to quickly find another girl to be with, that will really set off a few sparks in your ex, but you will pay a price, as the new girl is just being used for your own selfishness and once your ex wants you back and you accept, then once she has you back, she will again begin to wonder about her 'freedom'. Personally, I feel you would be better off in trying (B) moving on with your own life and doing some things that you enjoy to keep yourself occupied. Tell her you need some space for yourself and your emotions. Try to develop a sense of detachment and take things easy and casually, then at a future time, the two of you could meet up again, either intentionally or coincidentally and see how YOU feel at that time. Moving on is the hardest too, because the emotions hold a force that is stronger than logic&sense. Trying to adjust to a way that incorporates all 3 factors is probably the healthiest, but only you can be the judge of that. Good luck with whatever you try to do Kind regards, Taurean PS- Excuse me if I oversimplified everything in this post, am trying to make it concise

Hello Melatonin, Oh you are very welcome I wish you good luck and keep your head high. Kind regards, Taurean

Hello Knctrnl22, The debate about the functionality or applicability of astrology is a never ending dilemma of opinions. If you find that after 6 years of 'reading' about astrology, that you still aren't convinced about its accuracy, then I wonder why it took you 6 years to reach such a conclusion and not a weekend, or else you only read whats written in the columns of newspapers? Then yes, what you described, as astrology humbling itself to just a 'taste of who you are' would fit snuggly. Why should you spend money on it, if you are able or viable to do your own research? Astrology is free and works, not because of peoples opinions or beliefs, but because it speaks for itself, if you are willing to listen Thats my opinion and I hope you appreciated it Kind regards, Taurean

Hello Melatonin, You are welcome, I am happy that you read my reply. Now, as in usual instances, when there is a void or a loss, there is a desire to have that void filled. The void creates pain, or a sense of being 'lost' coupled along with sad emotions. That would explain your wish to go out and get some materialistical things to compensate for the void you may be feeling about your life's direction. As you yourself are aware, true fulfillment of that void comes not from external sources but from within. I however think more that you are using these materialistical things as a 'means' to occupy your thoughts with something else and that is completely OK. In this way, the external sources, are not 'sources' but rather a channel that you can use to divert your focus onto something NEW. You said, "....i don't want to have to rely on outside forces for my wellbeing, that's not how it should be. I may not have a choice in the end, however...." Its OK to rely on whatever and whomever friend to better enable you to feel better during this time. You will notice that with time, your dependancy on materialistic hardware or friends will lessen. You have the gift of idealism, it is a gift because, being realistical is too easy, its a prescribed formula for whatever actions exist in the world. Being idealistical is following something that is without formulas but relies on the heart. Your heart is damaged currently and so it is harder for you to go back to the idealism, thus better for you to revert to realistical objects temporarily. I think that within yourself, you already know what is better for you, the hurting of your heart is only temporarily deafening you to your inner voice. In the meantime, you have a few months to 'kill'. I suggest that you use that time for yourself, as going to uni will require some efforts from yourself, probably not leaving you much time to yourself in the same way you have now. Be around people, read a little and dont consciously wallow in music that reminds you of her, you have enough of dreams that do that for you, so you might as well use your waking moments being occupied. Good luck to you, your scenario is not a life-death one and be thankful for that, even if now it may hurt the better sides of yourself Kind Regards, Taurean

Hi all, The deeper meaning of friendships is to have freedom from being possesive or ownership of those friendships. No-one has the right or the audacity to ask from another, to stay away from your ex he/she may be interrested in. Its tough to accept, I agree, but keep in mind, you never gave that gift to your friend, that he/she would be attracted to your ex, so you also don't have the right to take it away from them. Kind regards, Taurean

Hello Melatonin, Where you are (in your state) and the thoughts you described, is something I and many others have been before. Thank you for your post and for writing it, just putting words on emotions and thoughts is sometimes for some people an easier way of altruising emotions that run deeper than the conscious-thought-abiding ones. I don't know the details of your age, but from your post, I gather that there could be some issues that you haven't fully delt with. Issues that run deeper than being merely nostalgic. Obviously this girl has had a profound effect/influence on you. I am not sure how often you have these dreams, but they are also an indication of which issues and in what state of mind/heart you are when you have them. From your one description, I can see that beyond your own ego of being, there is a wish or a desire to be with her again. This desire, if prolonged (in its unconscious state) could turn into a belief or an embodiement of the values that you hold dear. What happens farther in the dreams? Does she show as much enthusiasm as you do? Does she initiate the getting-back-together? These questions, and more, if you ask them and try to work out the answers, will help you get more clarification on which point or 'location' you need to deal with. Whichever they are, the theme seems to be that of 'acceptance' in the way that your mind has accepted that its over, but your heart, still toned down with memories, has not fully accepted it. If this is your first serious relationship that has ended, then it is a special learning one. Special in the sense, that everything is new to you and so you can't recognise the different stages of 'loss' that you are going through. Give it time, you are living each day and there is no rush to heal. Not everything in life is fit for the microwave. So as long as you feel ready to concentrate on 'why' you feel this way, you will be more better able to negotiate a plan for yourself on the 'how' to recuperate. I wish I could tell you that the shine, as you call it, will return and that life is again filled with colours and sensations beyond a state of 'being'. However, life after such an experience, will never change. You will never get the purity back. I know that sounds harsh on first reading it, but realise also, that life is not only 'green', it is filled with hues and tones and nuances that make it more rich, viable and livable. You will be stronger once all the sadness of emotions has passed and you WILL keep the faith of your idealism within yourself. So do not despair if now, you feel vulnerable, hurt, even cheated (on/by life). You are hurting and that dosen't mean you are weak, nor cold. Although very hard to do and takes a good deal of self awarness and training, your thoughts CAN change your emotions. Dwelling on your loss is the easiest thing, because it is how you currently feel. Thinking positive thoughts, requires effort, because its removed from your current emotions. I can only say that you will have to try to push your thoughts away from the dwelling and try to focus on some positive aspect. You can also get a piece of paper and write down a few goals in the next 3 months. Something new that you never tried before. Such as a new hobby, something with a challenge that requires thought to keep your mind focused. If that is something you don't wish to do or feel that its not 'necessary' (as often people neglect conscious effort to help themselves) then you only have the comfort of time to help you. With time comes many things. Time brings understanding of yourself, how you feel and how you act/react. Time soothes and time also distorts things. Memories fade but the essense or the flavour of a memory remains because of the amount of emotion laid onto them. So again, do not despair, you have gone through the toughest stages of a breakup so far, there is nothing worse to come, there is only improvement! Last thing, never give up on your sensitivity, never give in to the intolerances of others. Don't resort to being egoistical in the future. If you feel you make a few mistakes, dont worry, you just simply go back to being kind to yourself I hope this post helped a little, but I wish/hope that you yourself will be your own healer, with time, effort and compassion. Kind regards, Taurean