Stu147

Fair point, well articulated. Thanks papalazarou. It's quite possible I'm getting fear and gut feeling muddled a little in my mind, it's been a long day at work! I get what everyone is trying to say, about when you just KNOW something deep down inside. Everyone has felt that at some time or another. Just really trying to distinguish it from all the other instincts we have each day. I'm still doubtful as to whether even the strongest of gut instincts will always be right. But there has been some good debate on the subject so far and I'm taking it all in. Hope the original poster has found some of this useful also. Wish you all the best...

But how do you distinguish the little voice of gut instinct from the little voices of anxiety, of irrational fear, of phobia? Ask any long term anxiety sufferers and they will tell you that these voices don't go away, they are ever present. Some of these voices severely restrict peoples lives and stop them from fulfilling their ambitions or taking a risk to find happiness. Yes, we are basically animals who sense danger but we also possess the ability to rationlise, to apply logic, to assess situations. This is what differentiates us from other animals. You seem to be saying we should disregard these other abilities and go purely with our gut feelings? I apologise if I am misreading what you are saying. I agree that you should at least pay heed to your instincts, but they do not always guide you to the most beneficial outcome. Avoidance of anything you fear is not always practical, nor is avoidance of anything that might hurt you emotionally or physically. Letting someone into your life is not inherently dangerous if you do so with your eyes open and without wearing your heart on your sleeve. If you have inner strength you can survive the setbacks and often you are stronger for them. It is often through these negative experiences that you learn the most. I hope you understand that I am not trying to argue with you, I'm just putting down my own thoughts on the matter. But I'm always open to other opinions and I'm always willing to learn new schools of thought. So if I've misquoted you in any way or I'm missing what you are trying to put accross then please say so and I will respect your views. I don't claim to know it all, if I did I wouldn't be here. Take care...

Yeah, do it! Make him squirm!

Will this guy be at work when he receives this email? Could prompt a trouser incident of the 'pitching a tent' variety! Hope he has understanding colleagues! On a serious note, yes that email would do the trick. It is clear, provocative, sexy and playful. If he has the slightest bit of sexual interest in you he will be thinking of you like crazy for the rest of the day. And may feel the need to use the nearest cubicle for a bit of 'private time'! All the best, take care...

This inner voice in your case sounds more like a kind of fear. It is your self-protection mechanism kicking in and making you aware of the risks you might face. But whether to always follow this voice is a point to debate. I mean, many great people have achieved great things by ignoring that little voice that told them it probably wasn't the best idea. Athletes who ignore the voice telling them they are too tired to go on, mouintaneers whose little voice told them that climbing Everest was really too dangerous, etc. The voice more often than not has a point worth listening to but can tend to be over cautious sometimes. Relationships, like life, involve elements of risk and the need for trust. Sometimes you will get screwed over, sometimes you won't. If you seek to avoid all risk you will never achieve anything. The main thing, in my opinion, is not to avoid doing things (within reason) purely for fear of getting hurt. Zero risk often equals zero reward. Have faith that if you do get wronged you will recover and come back even stronger. Don't stop taking chances because one or two went wrong. p.s. I'm not talking about jumping off mountains here. If that went wrong the first time then it's probably because it was a stupid idea in the first place! That was definitely a time you should have listened to that little voice! p.p.s. Negativity breeds negativity. There is a school of thought that suggests that if you expect a negative outcome you will almost subconsciously bring it about. Always hope for the best in the knowledge that you are strong enough to deal with the worst. All the best, take care...

Maybe it's because you have already dealt with this before. Maybe because you are a stronger person now than you were then. Maybe because you feel more in control of your own life than you did in the past, and you are more comfortable in yourself. Or maybe simply because the relationship had run it's course and you were naturally ready to move on. Whichever of these maybes it may or may not be I wouldn't give it a second's thought. By analysing it you are just reliving it. If you feel neither one way or another about it then just accept that and be grateful for it. Be happy that you're not going through all that pain again. Emotions are funny things, they are not necessarily in endless supply. Every now and again the well just dries up, and you are just not affected in the same way as you once were. Consider it a blessing. With regards to being 'happy go jolly', I think sometimes too much emphasis is put on being happy where simply being content is a good start! And it sounds as if you are content with where you are right now. I wish you all the best....

You did not see through him in the beginning because he did not display his insecurities to you at that stage. He has become an expert at projecting to people what he thinks they want to see, or what he feels is acceptable to be. He has developed a persona for the outside world. But inside he is someone completely different, someone he does not like, does not respect, someone he is ashamed of. He is needy, he is insecure, he hates that about himself. He hates that people can affect him, can hurt him, he wishes that he could really be the person he wants to be, cool and detached. He is in constant conflict with himself. His weakenesses only appear to you when he feels he is losing control, and then all his insecurities flood through and he becomes manipulative. He is an expert at being able to justify his behaviour, and he will twist your mind until you almost believe his bizarre manipulative logic. You say you have left him, and this is the best thing you could possibly have done for him. Sure he is taking it hard, he will. But sometimes you need a really big wake up call to confront yourself and deal with your issues. As long as people accept then there is no motivation to change. In terms of whether you have anything to fear my instinct would tell me that this man is essentially a coward, despite any aggression he may project. But still I would suggest you keep distance between you and him for a time until he has had time to deal with your seperation. In the midst of high emotion he is not likely to be at his most rational and could resort to further emotional blackmail and manipulation to try and win you back, because that's all he knows how to do. And if that fails he may become aggressive as his last resort. I really should clarify that I don't think this guy is a bad guy, he is just a guy with a lot of issues. I don't think he is bad, I don't think he is evil. He has clearly shown you that he aspires to be a nice guy, with his gestures of affection. He is just not ready for a relationship, he really needs to be happy with himself before he can make anyone else happy. These are just my thoughts. Maybe I am way off track and have got him all wrong, but his behaviour as you described it is so familiar to me that I could have written your story myself! Take care... x

Hi pip, Wow, so you were a lucky girl yesterday, that's nice! Sounds like you've got a good guy there! I will throw in a couple of gift ideas for you but please feel free to disregard them, I'm no expert! My first thought was maybe you could buy him a really nice aftershave/scent, preferrably one that you like (for men). And when you give it to him you could tell him that you find this smell totally hot, in which case he is bound to wear it! My second thought is you could buy him a new wallet and put a little photo of you inside. Perhaps the photo could be something a little playful like you blowing him a kiss or something. Something that would make him smile whenever he goes to pay for something. Hope these have given you some food for thought! If I have any more I will get back to you. All the best, you lucky girl you!

I would say that groomed would be my minimum preference. Bare is fine, trimmed is fine, as long as it looks well maintained one way or another. If a girl turned up to our first date with her hair, or her clothes, looking like she'd been dragged backwards through a hedge then I would be less than impressed. So why should the state of 'down there' be any different. Of course, if a woman's natural state was quite tidy then there would be no need to do anything with it. These are just my own preferences though. I would also add that a man should equally be well groomed for his partner. It's not all one way. Would the state of a woman's pubic hair make me feel less about her, of course no. If I love her it ain't gonna make a bit of difference! All the best...

That's quite a sad story, tinged with a touch of inspiration with your brother turning his life around. It's a shame he hasn't acknowledged the support you gave him, but you have plenty reason to feel good about what you did and perhaps one day he will realise how much he owes you. With regards to how you feel, you say you feel indifferent right now and if I were you I would just go with that. If it isn't upsetting you greatly then don't feel that it necessarily should. There is no appropriate response, just feel how you feel and don't apologise for how you feel. It's also a great shame that your father doesn't acknowledge your achievements but that does not diminish from what you have achieved with your business and you should feel proud of yourself. I think the fact that you have managed to run your own business for 10 years in such a competitive field is quite a feat and you should feel really good about that. If I could say the same I would be more than pleased. It sounds like you are a strong independent woman who does not rely on anyone for anything, and I wouldn't be surprised if your brother admires you from afar and possible even resents how together you are and always have been. This may explain his competitive behaviour with your father. Either way, you have nothing to apologise for. I give you my sincere congratulations on what you have achieved and my admiration for what you tried to do for your brother. The world needs more people like you! Take care...

Sorry, forgot to add... If you choose to be more aloof with this girl then you must have the courage of your convictions. If you are stand-offish and she backs away then don't fold and revert to your original behaviour. That's the only problem with trying to be something you're not. As an author once put it you are then just 'standing on a sugar pedestal waiting for the rain to come', i.e. you are heading for a fall. Most people who try to project what they are not get found out at some time or another. Like in cards, when you bluff you risk getting called. Again, just more of my ramblings so don't take offence at anything I say. It's just supposed to give you some things to consider. Take care....

You make an interesting point, and I can't say I'd thought of it in that way. Perhaps my referring to it as 'playing games' is a bit misleading in terms of what I meant to get accross. My point is more that the original poster is acting in a way that is out of character for him and thereforeeee is not being himself or genuine in his actions. But I would also accept that being his usual self was not working hence the change of approach. Anyway, I like your way of thinking and it's given me a different viewpoint to consider. I never claim to have all the answers, just try to speak from the benefit of my own mistakes and experiences. And I've made a few mistakes! All the best...

You have a snow day today? Grrrrr, no fair, why can't I get one of those! I will be seeing my dear wife at home tonight and we will be doing the gift exchanges then! At least that was the plan until she slipped her V.Card into my bag this morning without me noticing, the cheeky girl! So I've been out lunchtime and bought her a whole load of stuff! Valentines day one-upmanship, that's what it's all about! I am with you completely when you say that midweek is not the best time though. After a hard days work, then getting home, ironing my shirt for tomorrow, cooking dinner, feeling shattered! Not really the right build-up is it? Oh well, got to be done. Keep the romance alive and all that! Enjoy the rest of your day at home, I'm not jealous.....honest.......grrrrrrrrrr!

I agree with Kellbell, ditch the games and just be upfront with each other. The aloofness thing is really all about control. While she was being aloof and you were chasing she had the control. Now it seems like you have switched roles. But it can all switch back, and can also backfire if she reads too much into your aloofness and just moves on. Do you guys really want to be playing puppet-master with each other or do you want to be with her? Ok, so you don't have to be obsessive either and plague her with calls, but maybe find a middle ground. Forget the games, just be real and be genuine. Try to find out where her feelings lie and if all is good then move forward. If not then move on. Wish you the best of luck... p.s. I should add that some of the changes in your behaviour with her are good, such as fighting your impulse to plead with her to stay on the phone. Neediness is rarely attractive. But don't deliberately end calls on the pretext of needing to do something, that's called 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

I think the more you push your girlfriend to have sex more often, the more pressure it puts on her and the less she will actually feel like it. I am in a situation where my wife has a high sex drive and mine has been somewhat diminished by taking anti-depressants. The only difference between my situation and yours is that I have an excuse why my drive is low, but that doesn't necessarily matter when feelings come into play. But what I can say is that I feel under pressure to have sex even though my wife doesn't verbally apply pressure to me. You still feel like you should be having sex more often, and this creates pressure. The more pressure you feel the more your sex drive decreases. It's like a vicious circle. It's not easy for either party, and if your partner really cares for you she will be feeling this too. Don't assume that she is not suffering as well, because I'm sure she would love to have a sex drive that matched yours. But we do not all have compatible sex drives, and even if two people are compatible in this way there are still times that one partner's drive will diminish due to stress, tiredness, worry, medication, etc. Perhaps it is your perception that she refuses to budge an inch that is troubling you? I think you guys need a frank and open discussion about this issue, and maybe a compromise can be reached, but the topic needs to be approached carefully with her because if you guys have already rowed about this on numerous occasions she may feel a bit cornered and become defensive. Perhaps your approaching line to her should be a bit more submissive, accepting that any faults are are joint problem and not just her fault. That way she might open up to you a bit more. Hope this makes sense, and I really hope everything works out for you. If this relationship is as good as you say then please don't let it all go to waste over an issue like this.

I assume you two have exchanged photos so you both know who you're talking to? I get the impression you have, so I'll assume that. If you want the conversations to go in a certain direction then you should try pushing things a little futher each time you chat. Keep it subtle of course, like don't go from 'your cute' to 'let's f**k' in 5 minutes, but just make little moves towards where you want the conversation to be. If she moves closer each time you do then keep advancing. If you push the conversation a little and she seems to withdraw then back off. Personally I would set your conversation goal at you two meeting up in the flesh, so try to push the conversation to that aim. Don't even think about getting physical at this stage, that is way too presumptious! Online flirting is a world of difference from physical interaction. Only meeting in the flesh will confirm where things can go. If she is just toying with you then she will be very non-committal about meeting up. If she is genuinely interested then she will also have the aim of meeting you so it should be no problem to get this sorted out. Wish you all the best, hope I have made sense!

Hi Sweetheart607, I have no experience to draw upon so please feel free to ignore my thoughts and listen to those with experience of threesomes. But every piece of advice I have read on the subject suggests that more often than not the fantasy of a threesome and the reality are completely different. There is the scenario where two members of the threesome might be a little too engrossed in each other leaving the third party twiddling their thumbs (so to speak). You really wouldn't feel an ounce of jealousy if your boyfriend is ignoring you while going crazy on some random girl? Ok, so maybe it wouldn't pan out like this, maybe everyone would get equal attention and satisfaction, but it's unlikely I would have thought. My personal opinion is that if a guy asks his girl to engage in a threesome he is really saying that he wants to get it on with someone else. But as he can't just go out and do that then instead he can involve his girlfriend and get a bit of girl-on-girl action thrown in for free. Your scenario might be completely different, I don't know. Maybe you even suggested it, not him. And some people have very open relationships so they wouldn't have these issues. My advice is to leave this as fantasy, where it is exciting and sexually inspiring but without all the complications! Whatever you choose to do I wish you all the best, take care...

Hi, I would say that you need to back off a little, for your own good as much as hers, and let her sort out which way she wants to go. Getting involved in someone else's relationship, however badly it has been painted, is never a good idea. It really is her call to make. Tell her that she needs to sort things out and that you don't want to unfairly influence her decision. Tell her that, while you hope so much that she chooses you, you will understand and respect her decision whatever it may be. Don't make it sound like an ultimatum of course. But make sure she knows that she can't keep coming on so strong until she has made a decision, because it's not fair to keep you dangling and it upsets you. Sorry you have found yourself in such a situation. I really hope it works out for the best for you. But even if it doesn't, you will get over it and be stronger for it. Take care...

You're right what you say about SSRI medications. Minute-man? Sheesh, I should be so lucky! Some nights it can take me forever! Damned medication! p.s. I was never a 'minute-man' before the meds either, but at least I wasn't the 'hours and hours' man I am now!